Thursday, April 19, 2012

Well what do you know about that?

I had therapy this morning. And it was a kind of low morning, I had eyes brimming with tears when she came in the room to get me. She said I see you're feeling sad and lonely - ya think? So we started talking, I said the first few days were not too bad, then I just went flat. That's how I've dealt with emotional pain all my life. And actually why I think I am a spanko. I would rather be spanked 16 ways to Sunday than to have to feel emotional pain. And spanking takes the emotional pain transfers it to flesh, and then like magic it's gone. Then yesterday and today, tears.

Now the funny thing about my therapist, when I first talked about Daddy with her, she was totally non-judgmental, but I could see her jaw muscles flex and every now and then her eyes would narrow ever so slightly. I don't know if she was even aware, but I was aware of it. Over all this time, she has said that she has learned so much about this lifestyle from me, and she has made peace with it. It's not the barbarous thing she thought it was. She is genuinely interested. And her face bears no shadows or tension. She has remarked on several occasions as to what exceptional communication, respect and consideration exists between us.

She asked me today what could I do to feel him while he is gone. I said I bought a special folder, colored papers and pens, envelopes, and I carry it around all day, and keep a running dialog with him. So it feels like there is an immediacy of communication, and I am still able to share the day with him. At the end of each day, I seal it and date it on the outside, so that when he gets a drop and a pile of mail, he knows the chronology, and if he wants he can parse them out till the next mail drop. I also got a call from the unit phone tree with a very special message from him that was like receiving a hug across the miles.

She said she was amazed at the level of intimacy that we have developed. She is amazed at how very in tune to each other we are, and how we care about and provide care for each other. She said that of all her clients she has never seen this level of commitment between two people. And she said....and here is the - What do you know about that moment - we have the healthiest, most intimate relationship she has every seen. That made me smile. For all the people that think TTWD is harmful or abusive,  we actually have above average intimacy. We're doing something right. I knew that, but it's nice to have that affirmation from someone outside our little sphere. And it's nice to know that others actually perceive us to have what we feel we have.

I don't know why that helped, but it did, and the ache is still there, but not as urgent. I miss him, my God, I don't think I could ever express how deeply I miss him. Just like I can never adequately express how very much I love him. They are emotions that are bigger than me. Maybe the point of it all is to remind us that we just can't live without each other. You know the saying, don't find the person you can live with, find the person that you simply cannot live without. Ward is my person. And you know what? As I typed that line a peace fell over me. True love waits, so do I.


  1. This was a beautiful post. I am so sorry that you have to be without Ward right now, and I am glad that you have some external support helping you through.

    I love your letter ideas... so great.

    1. Thanks very much, Kitty. Sometimes it helps getting it down on 'paper'. And thanks, it's hard, but he is so very worth it. If I'm very lucky, we only have to do this once more. And as much as I want that, if that's not the route our path takes, well I trust in Ward enough to know he's made the best decision for our future. I'm glad, too. The sun is out today, both physically and figuratively, and today we're one week closer to being together again.

      Thanks! You know - it's weird writing letters in the electronic age - the worst part is no spell check!But it really does make me feel closer.

    2. I thought about the fact that you were writing letters when it seems to be a lost art and I thought it was nice, not weird. There is so much we know from people's letters in the past and I have been worried that our present will just vaporize on a server somewhere (both pictures and notes) without the written word.

      Glad the sun shines on today. :)

    3. Hi, Kitty, it is a lost art, I remember having tons and tons of pen-pals. The excitement is lost, too. I remember checking the mail every day to see who wrote, and estimating how long it should take to receive a response from each of them. Yes, that is true, there are whole volumes devoted to people's correspondence.

      Oh & the server thing is so very true. I had several voice mails from Ward, that I saved for just this reason, so I could still hear his voice every day. Well I went in to listen & it said I had no voicemails!But my carrier never said they purged after a period of time, it was supposed to be indefinite storage. So until we get a drop & he gets mail in & mail out, I've been rereading his notes and the cards he has given me to feel him, and smelling the things that weren't washed. (I know, I'm sappy - I freely admit it :"> )

  2. June,

    I can't even imagine how you deal with Ward being away for so long. I couldn't do it. I have only been away from Musicman over night during times of illness when one of us was hospitalized. When it was him in the hospital, I basically moved in and stayed 24/7 with him. Will Ward keep your letters? You could have them bound into a book for him when he comes back.

    I always do better when the sun is shines too.

  3. Hi faerie,

    It's devastatingly hard, but it's hard for him, too, so I have to buck up. Believe me, if I coulda stowed away in that seabag, I'd've done it! I keep asking him to mail himself home, but well, I think they'd wonder where that HUGE package came from.

    He will, he is as much a romantic as I am. I am so very blessed in so very many ways.

  4. Awww, so beautiful. Isn't nice when your relationship gets commented on it's level of commitment. Even though you're just being who you are, that is a wonderful compliment.

    I love the "book of letters" idea. That would be such a treasure to have and look at whenever you wanted.

    1. Yeah, I like that very well, and I am going to do it.

      Yes it is so very nice. Especially from someone who teaches people how to have better relationships to say our communication verbal and non-verbal is close to the ideal, is amazing.


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