Perfectionism

This post comes from a conversation I had with Grace. She posed a question to me that really got me thinking, and became a very long answer that I said would make a great post....so I made it one :)
                                                         
I have a question for you.  I know that you (and Ward too, but we're talking about you right now) hold yourself to a high standard.  You have certain expectations of yourself and Ward has certain expectations of you.  What I'm wondering is, how do you avoid falling into the trap of perfectionism?  Because it doesn't seem like you struggle with that...or do you?




Oh gosh - this is a loaded question for me, lol. I do hold myself to a very high standard, because I feel that he and the boys deserve no less. I agree that perfectionism stems from insecurity and sometimes fear, I have been afraid all my life that my best efforts are not good enough, that I am not good enough. If you consider perfectionism as: Perfectionism, in psychology, is a personality disposition characterized by an individual striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations. - then yes, I suffer from perfectionism BIG TIME! The one thing is I am always sure that I will never be able to attain perfection, because I am inherently imperfect, I try to accept that with humility. Daddy, bless him, says that perfection does not matter, but that I constantly put in effort to be more, do more, even if I don't succeed, I tried to give him my best.

 

I used to beat myself up over that quite a lot. I don't so much with Daddy, because he will not allow me to do so. Most of the time he is very patient, and I am learning from that to be more patient with myself. Honestly looking to examine if I truly did give the best of myself to the task. If I did, I try to accept that I did, and that I can try to do better next time. Sometimes I am less successful, and those are the times that land me otk - not correction, more like get-your-head-straight/stop-spinning/stress-relief kind of discipline.
 

I was talking to my therapist about it, and she said because of how ingrained that fear, and that need to be loved and accepted is, that it is something that may never go away. But she says she sees improvement with it since I'm with Ward. So how do I cope? Well, when I start feeling it, I ask myself if I did my best, if there was a way I could have done better, and then I offer it to him with my whole heart. He has never rejected anything I have given him. I try to see how it affects him and take that inside, seeing that it touches him and that the efforts are appreciated and treasured. It's a work in progress. I have never had the positive feedback I get from him. I try to realize that his reaction is kind of like his gift to me, as much as my actions to him, and realize that when I doubt myself it is the same as questioning his sincerity, so I try to accept his genuine gratitude with a heart as open as that with which he accepts my offerings to him.


HIS POV:  

 I must remain vigilant in the expression of my love and acceptance of June. More than that I recognize the heartfelt effort that June puts forth in all things... In our relationship, in being a wife and a mother, indeed in all things. I recognize that her upbringing was harsh, desolate, cold and void of acceptance. My love for her is unconditional just as I know that hers is for me.  Patience despite humanity is a gift that I long to bring June. Her heart needs it, and I know how much she struggles with this particular issue.

The truth is, I've learned so much from June and I owe her a debt of gratitude... She's very patient with me as well and she has taught me much about what a Father and Husband are all about.  She and the boys love me, and more than any amount of  fear or perfection (yes I can be a bit of a perfectionist) their love for me, in spite of the things I struggle with, speak volumes.

I am a blessed man to be able to give my all to a beautiful lady and two beautiful children who  allow me to make a mistake... I must have the mind process that we can all learn to accept our humanity just as much as learn from our mistakes.  Giving from a loving heart is also one of the things I strive to do every single day!




                                     

Personalization In Your Dynamic

The time has come to approach and illuminate a topic that has the potential to effect a large percentage of the folks in DD/TTWD marriages as well as resound throughout blogland. This is a topic that June and I both very strongly about and while we understand that some people have differing opinions, we feel that speaking out about the potential pifalls and dangers of single minded, insensitive, approaches to DD/TTWD and some of the potentially disastrous consequences that can befall even seasoned couples in an otherwise healthy relationship.  We do not seek to proclaim ourselves experts, and would not dare deign to tell others that our way is "The Way" or disrespect any established couples. We hope that you will share in this journey to the heart and health of DD/TTWD and we freely encourage people to ask questions.

Have you ever stopped and considered what makes your relationship special and unique? Is it the things you say to each other? Is it how you treat each other? Is it how you interpretation of the intricacies of  your dynamic? We ask that you keep these questions in mind as we discuss and speak out about something that has been eating at us.  There are several entities and resources in the DD/TTWD world that claim that they are "experts" or that their way is "the way" to go. We will speak out against this and denounce this as dangerous and somewhat reckless. I'm sure some of you have heard of several "books" or have heard of  Domestic Discipline "bootcamps" or "bootcamp" style relationship training.  Some see this as a way to condition or indoctrinate their spouse to the concepts of "leadership", "punishment"  and the general foundation, and day to day concepts of the DD/TTWD lifestyle.  It is our opinion that an "all encompassing" or  formulaic approach to something as precious and important as the DD lifestyle is reckless at best and dangerous at it's worst. We believe that for a couple to get the most  out of this lifestyle,  that a great dear of care must be exercised when dealing with each others emotions,  ideas, expressions, affections etc... In simpler terms it is paramount that we know and understand each other in order to best serve each other's needs even and especially the need for order, discipline and structure.

One of the things that we've seen with the "bootcamp" principal is the idea of punishment to introduce the concept of submission or "to get used to it."  The idea of punishment without a good reason is an idea that is destructive, harmful and absolutely without merit. We expressly admit that we do believe in spanking as a submission exercise, as well as spankings for role reinforcement, but the idea of arbitrary punishment is nothing less than detrimental to the mental and spiritual state of the TiH and the state of the relationship.  Regrettably, June and I have both also seen the negative impact that the bootcamp experience can offer... Sometimes it sends the wrong message to both HoH and TiH... A misguided HoH can become disconnected from his TiH and may not be aware of the real emotions, fears, and true honesty... If punishment or correction occurs without merit? How can we expect real honesty? In the wrong situations, a TiH  may feel various feelings of negativity, resentment, fear or inadequacy at the prospect of unwarranted punishment...This in conjunction with several other factors could easily cause hard feelings, and difficulty in communication.  We should also express that  there may be merit in the idea of bootcamp...open communication about the expectations of the house, what a couple is striving for, open and honest discussions about  the impact that you both expect and desire,  healthy and considerate introductions to healthy forms of spankings that have a purpose... These are all things that can benefit a healthy happy relationship and we would entreat people to explore these concepts  in a "them" centric manner that speaks to their own unique considerations, needs, and requirements.

One of the other concepts that we would express at this time is the need for consistent care, awareness, and  respect to both people in the relationship.  I may be the HoH in our relationship, but I am also cognizant of the fact that June needs me to demonstrate not only a fierce love but a deep and uncompromising respect for her as my wife, the mother of my children, and the voice and life of our home.  We have learned that in our relationship, we must make the time to develop and perfect a process that speaks to the decisions we make and the importance that we hold for each other, and that is our suggestion to you... Work together to discover something that you can develop a blueprint for a healthy happy relationship that puts a sharp and clear focus on healthy and pure unity.

June here - I believe that as a start to DD, having a dedicated time with no interruptions to outline the specifics of the relationship, such as rules and expectations of both partners is a constructive, foundation-building thing. I believe that one of those expectations should be time set aside every single day to connect and affirm our roles, rather than have periodic bootcamps to realign or redefine.

It is no secret that Daddy and I do daily maintenance. So please do not take this to mean that I am speaking against spanking, or other methods of correction as tools in a DD relationship, or that I am speaking out of both sides of my mouth. When Daddy spanks for role affirmation, for discipline, just because he can, or for correction, he takes the time to see me. He knows me well enough to understand what I need, to understand what it takes to get through to me. You can see this kind of leadership all over blogland, HoH's who understand their women and lead instinctively, like Jim, Jake, Ian, Michael, Dragon, Omega and Steven to name a few.  To not cultivate that kind of environment, that kind of interaction can result in more unwanted behaviors that it prevents. I believe that submission should come from a place of wanting to give respect and deference to our HoH, a place of desiring to be pleasing, a place of service, and not a fear of punishment.

I think it is dangerous to take someone hungry for the closeness that DD brings, and trepidatious about what it takes to lead, and give them a checklist of how to conduct a spanking or corrective action. I think the formulaic approach can lead some to think there is no other way, does not encourage them to see how things fit into their relationships and how to make it their own. I believe the approach can teach an HoH to close himself off to his TiH. For example in our case because of my background, corner time or time in our room would create panic in me, I would feel abandoned. I need his reassurance that he is there and that the things he does, even correction, come from a place of love. When correction is over I need his arms, and his assurances that his love is unconditional, that I am forgiven, and that we are moving forward with growth and a better understanding, and the transgression won't be brought up again by either of us. He won't allow me to beat myself up over something we have resolved.

I think the bootcamp experience can be emotionally draining, and then to heap a long evening of causeless punishments can be emotionally damaging. This kind of thing can break one's spirit. For us the idea of DD is never to diminish each other, and Daddy would never, ever break my spirit. I think that there needs to be a purge in that establishment period, something like Roz's beautiful ceremony detailed in her post "Collared". For Daddy and myself there was something similar, yes a very long, firm spanking, with lots of love and pride expressed as a sign of the things we were letting go, and the things we choose to embrace. This has to be what speaks to and serves your relationship, not from a checklist or chart.

As I stated above, for me submission come from a desire to serve, a desire to be pleasing, not because I fear the consequences if I displease him in breaking one of our rules. I think that both Dominance and submission call us to be mindful of our partners, and to take the time to reaffirm our roles and commitment to them daily. Yes, we spank daily. We also affirm our roles within our relationship and to each other in small ways every day. Much as mouse beautifully illustrates again and again of her dynamic with Omega, Daddy understands my need to feel his Dominance, and his devotion to me is to provide submission exercises. These can be spankings, writing assignments, or tasks. And I try to be mindful of his needs and provide things in service and deference to him, like meeting him at the door with a drink or removing his shoes and socks after a long day and refreshing and massaging his feet.

As Daddy said, none of this is to say that we have all the answers. We have worked very hard to have the answers for us. Sometimes we see something that someone else shares that speaks to a struggle we have had. We discuss it and see how it applies to us. We are grateful for the mentorship provided by the experienced couples in this community. We believe the opportunities to speak with others in this lifestyle through our blogs, and the various chatrooms are invaluable. We believe that everyone can only speak with authority to their own relationship.  And no one can or should speak as an authority on this lifestyle in general. 

Ward again - We would like to finish this post by expressing that in addition to understanding the way your process works for you, you may also find some deep and unexpected benefits of a enriched, personalized DD/TTWD relationship. Taking the time to develop, nourish, and evolve an ideology and lifestyle that is right for you and your partner....No this isn't always easy, fair, or fun, and yes, you will be tested....sometimes it's going to hurt, but knowing that we matter to each other, really matter, enough to effect a positive culture of awareness and responsibility says that this love is unconditional, indubitable and transcendent.

We also have to admit that we have both made a few mistakes and suffered a few setbacks, neither one of us is perfect. The beauty of mistake-making though is in the growth and knowledge that this begets. When we learn, we grow and when we grow we see the positive effect that change can have in our relationships.  Establishing these changes allows us to tweak and further refine the policies and expectations that benefit our relationships the most. It all starts with a mindset that teaches us to develop our own unique ideas, needs, and thoughts... We would suggest this might be a great starting point for the uninitiated, or a great vantage point for the established. Either way, there is much wealth to be mined in investing our own time and energy in the way we approach DD/TTWD.
June again -  The essence of DD/TTWD relationships is mutual mindfulness and respect. When we undertake activities we want them to enrich our dynamics, not potentially break our spirits or damage us or our relationships. Ward and I often look at our children and think - Lord they didn't come with an instruction manual. Truth be told, when I was pregnant with my first I read every single book because I wanted to be the best I could be. When I was handed that little person I reaffirmed my undying commitment to him. And when I sat on the living room floor crying because those books didn't answer the questions I had, and nothing was working for THIS child, I realized even the author can only speak from their own personal experience. They didn't know MY child. I had to open my heart and reach out with my spirit and my soul to his, and find the ways that I could best benefit him.

The truth is, we are humans, and we are different, and our experiences, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, psyches and reactions are all influenced by our personality and our personal experiences. There is no one size fits all answer. And there are no manuals. We would encourage you to read, to seek, but we would also encourage you to take whatever you find and make it your own, with the well-being of your partner's heart, mind, body and being in the forefront of your mind. 

Self-Image

                          

                                                  

 The media tells us one thing... our lovers tell us another... Body image? What is it? How does it define us as individuals and as a couple? One of the things I have to be vigilant about with June is that she doesn't always have a positive self-image. From day one I have found her to be beautiful inside and out and when she tells me that she doesn't see what I see, it becomes clear that I must show her every day that she is beautiful, strong, and beloved.                                      

                                                                                                                                       

                                                                                              

 

I am sure that I am not the only HoH that has particular rules about a positive self-image as well as negative self-expression. June knows that any self-loathing or detraction can only end with a very red bottom and a stern lecture about the importance of  being positive and how I am personally insulted by such self-derision. Honestly though I know it's hardly as simple as that.  We as a culture are constantly bombarded with media images, ideas, commentary and imagery. Much of this imagery serves no healthy purpose, and after many years of being force fed  an unrealistic, unhealthy standard of beauty

                                                           

That puts the ball in our court, guys.  I guess in my mind, it is my job to reaffirm and reassure my lady of her beauty every single day. It is a labor of love and a wonderful chance to prove that she is beautiful.  Prove that she is beautiful? What do I mean by that?  It's very simple.  Caress her curves with your hands and give her your eyes... let your eyes lock and give her the kind of slow soft kiss that you both craved since the day you knew that you where made for each other.  Take the time to appreciate every inch of her skin and show her that you wouldn't dare design to change a single thing.  You will both find and appreciate not only the warmth and bliss that love brings, you will also both see the strength of curves, and find the beauty in the design of a real woman's body. 

                                                     

Skinny, thick, tall,short  we are all a testament to the beautiful variation and design of humanity.  Everything that makes us different is exactly what makes all of us beautiful. Over the years I've learned that  not only must I be vigilant about stamping out insecurities, but that a positive self-image begins at home. A kind word, one small thing can lead to big changes.  In our journey together, I have also confronted my own insecurities  and fought through them with June's help to finally know and feel true acceptance and  warmth. There is a wonderful vibrancy to it and it is that which all but illuminates the beauty of June's mind and the splendor of her body. Given it is a bit more of a challenge to get her to see her own beauty.  I guess after a lifetime of verbal and physical abuse it makes it more difficult to hear words of praise. That is why I am constantly showing her light and warmth, even if sometimes it means that I have to discipline and correct self-deprecating or harmful language or gestures.  It is a job that last a life time. Helping our partners feel good about themselves when the world says that they aren't is an important skill that every man should develop.  A healthy self-image starts with love, passion, and showing each other, just how beautiful we are.  Sometimes that means a soft word, sometimes a firm, slow hand, sometimes... it's better to just let our bodies do the talking ;)   In any case we are sure that by showing each other your appreciation for each others mind and bodies, your relationship will surely grow!

                                       

Her POV:

I won't lie, this is probably one of the things I get strenuously disciplined for most often - not quite correction, surely not fun... I have been taught that I am not beautiful for my whole life. I know that Ward thinks I am, I have offered to drive him to the doctor for new glasses....yeah, THAT went over big.

When I am with him, when I feel insular, I feel beautiful, I feel feminine. When I go too far past that circle, or for too long, that little voice that tells me all my defects just gets louder. Boy.... have to tell you that this is a hard POV to write, and I;m in tears trying .... it's not about thoughts, it's not about resistance. It's a longstanding belief in what I have been taught to perceive as the truth about me, for almost 50 years.

He tells me - everyday. I know he gets frustrated - not just at me - at those who taught me that I don't really have very much to offer at all. I don't doubt him, he is the truest person in my whole life. Ward's message is genuine, good Lord I feel it in his touch, in my heart, see it in his eyes. It's just hard to make it stick long-term yet.

Healthy Tears and Emotional Expression

                                                                                                                                                                           

                                                     

 Crying is a natural and healthy part of life.  I must admit that like many men from my particular demographic, I was taught, and even conditioned not to display much in the way of emotion.  Emotional expression can manifest itself in a variety of ways and it is to the benefit of any relationship to not only observe and recognize these expressions of emotion, but to nurture and respond to them in an appropriate manner. Many emotions can take many different and even varied forms that might change from day to day, hour to hour and even minute to minute. The best thing we can do sometimes is really quite simple.... listen and be there for your lover. 

                                                           

Happiness is more than a smile, sometimes happiness is the contented sigh that comes from a hot meal and a full cup at the end of a long cold day. Sometimes happiness is cuddling up on a couch watching a favorite movie and sharing a bowl of popcorn. Happiness is not always soft or quiet. Sometimes happiness is tackling each other to the ground, belly laughing and  tumbling head over feet in a riotous, raucous expression of warmth and mutual delight. Sometimes happiness goes deeper, and when we accomplish something major, or we see those we love elevated, sometimes happiness means soft, sweet tears that express an inner triumph or is the culmination of a challenge met and overcome. 

                                                                                                              

                                                                                                           

Anger is a word that inspires intensity of both word and deed. Anger is not always negative, and indeed sometimes a bit of healthy anger is the catalyst to communication, true change and the betterment of the processes that make a couple effective, engaged and in love. Anger can also be destructive, irrational, and very much like emotional napalm. I've often described anger to June as a lot like "fear with more enthusiasm" and if one is not careful, it is very possible to cause or open up deep emotional wounds that are very difficult to resolve in a timely, healthy fashion. Tears of rage  are often an expression of deep frustration, pain and loss

                                                

Fear as said above, is a lot like toned down anger.  Like a wall that separates, fear can halt progress, and create distance if it is allowed to exist and lay in your partner's mind.  This is where being an HoH is especially significant. Soothing a partner's heart and knocking down those walls can be a process that takes quite a bit of time and effort, but in so doing we reveal the depth of our love and we express our own confidence and affection at a time when they need to see that most.  Fear is a tricky one, folks and it is our opinion that  fear should be dealt with early and not allowed to become unmanageable due to inactivity.

 We now see that tears come for many reasons and in many forms. Tears can be a beautiful outward expression of relief  or they can be anger, fear, hostility and pent up frustration that demand attention and in some instances not just words but action. We all know that actions speak louder than words, and sometimes in the midst of tension there is no greater comfort than knowing without a shadow of a doubt that our partners remain, thoughtful, cognizant and engaged even when things are chaotic, even when things are not easy or simple or fun. 

   

Many people have asked or wondered what the true impact of tears is in a TTWD/DD/spanking oriented relationship. My response is that, as an HoH even during the rare times that it was necessary for June to receive correction I never set my hands to task with the mindset that tears were desired or required. The intention was to improve the communication, right the ship, and correct poor behaviors. That being said, if I saw tears, I didn't necessarily stop either. Sometimes tears during a spanking tell us that a point is being made and that the lesson is in fact being learned.

                                                    

   

Through it all, I've learned that I CAN and MUST express my emotions in order to be effective. I've also learned that by being attentive to my lady's emotional needs, that a new level of love can be obtained and that both people in any kind of relationship must learn to recognize and respond to emotional output and prepared to do the labor of love that is managing and supporting their partner in all emotional expressions!

Her POV:

Tears for me have always been something to hide. When I was a child to show vulnerability/sadness/pain  was to encourage more abuse, it was a sport. As I grew, with partners, my tears were met with disgust, and again as a sign of weakness to be exploited.

With Ward, my tears are gently accepted as expressions of my heart. When I apologize for being weak, he gently shushes me, and gives me the freedom to purge. When he sees me trying to choke them down, he extends his arms and tells me to let it go. He has never run from my fears, my frustration, my weariness. For that I am so very grateful.

When Daddy must correct me, I rarely cry during. What he gives to me is what I have earned, it is what must come not as retribution, but to clean my heart - I hate having disappointed him, and I need the purge - but for our relationship, so that we can move forward clean with no stamps collected. I do cry after, heartily, in his arms. These are not tears of pain or fear, they come from feeling all the love and forgiveness that he gifts to me; feeling loved and accepted totally and unconditionally by a very good man.

Sometimes during discipline there are tears. These come from the delicious feeling of being held firmly and loving in his hands. They are tears of gratitude for having my truest self accepted and treasured and our love and devotion reinforced in this way. There are tears sometimes when we make love, when the overwhelmingly wonderful feeling of being loved and treasured. There are tears when I cook and I feel my blessings all around me. There are tears in the most mundane of things, that speak of who I am and who he is and what we have and the family we make for our children.

Every one of those he catches in his hands, and holds to the light so that I can see the beauty in them, when I might feel shame. He shows me that they are the gift of my vulnerability, of my truest self to him.

What is Discipline?

In a post a while back Blue Bird asked what was discipline to us. I haven't forgotten, I promised  to expand on it in a future post. It just took some time to get here :)



We've outlined the kinds of spankings we employ, but I guess never really went into lots of depth about them. So I guess I need to describe how Ward administers each, a little. In the event that I have broken one of our rules Ward will administer a correction spanking. Correction is given hard and fast, with a greater level of intensity for longer periods of time. He will pause and lecture, so that I can hear what he is saying. He will tell me he is proud of me for taking my correction like a good girl. It is correction, but the message that it comes from a place of love is very clear. During the pauses he will rub my bottom in the pauses, but there will be no sexual touch. There will be no sexual intimacy immediately after, but we do cuddle and snuggle and talk to affirm forgiveness and the clean slate, and then sometimes nap. It is all emotional reconnection.





I don't think I have to tell anyone the purpose of a good girl/pleasure spanking. This is given slowly, luxuriously. Every spanking starts and ends with discipline, but in a GG, it's not quite as vigorous,  nor is it quite as long, and as soon as Daddy breaks out the Angel Maker, it's almost forgotten....okay, the owww, is almost forgotten. but not the message. I am his. I belong to him. My pain and my pleasure belong to him. Even in the vigorous part, Daddy talks sweetly, and say the things that make even the most intense of sensations bearable. There are lots of pauses, for rubs, sensual touch, intimate touch and other attentions (ahem).





Discipline, that's kind of our catch all. It generally means that one of us needs to feel my submission, or his Dominance, I'm toeing the line of breaking a rule and he is reigning me in before I cross it, one of us is stressed beyond belief, I'm premenstrual (okay, I hate to admit that, but hey, we're all being honest here), and again quite frankly, perhaps because one of us has a deeply visceral, primal need for intensity. I guess you could say that for us discipline is a no-reason-necessary balancer.






Discipline is much more intense than a good girl. It does not preclude the use of my GG toys, they will just be used much more vigorously. The stretches between touch are longer, but the touches are a definite and delicious claiming. There will be very sensual connections made during and after the spanking. Sometimes the spanking will be paused for love-making, and then resume. The entire message of this is that he owns me, and that I belong to him in every sense of the word.



Even though discipline for us might appear as severe as correction to some others, it is something that is necessary in our dynamic to allow me to be who I am, and allow him to be who he is, allow us both to blossom and grow in the depth of our devotion to one another. It is something that connects us at a very deep level.





 HIS POV: 

Discipline for us is a very nourishing and sensuous experience that puts an emphasis on my dominance, her submission and the unified dynamic that we share. At the heart of it all is love, regardless of when or why June is over my knee, love is the chiefest and greatest reason for spanking and the many motivations that we use it for.

Pleasure, correction, affirmation, nourishment and understanding are all worthy and excellent reasons to share spanking with the ones we love.  DD/TTWD, love, affection are all beautiful and vital to our process!

The No-Shutdown Rule

                                                      

    There are times in a DD/TTWD relationship that discipline and correction will be a dreaded but  necessary action that  requires a clear mind, a firm hand, and an open, honest heart.  I've talked about discipline and correction in other posts before, but in this post I'd like to illustrate the importance of connectivity, even during correction, unmet expectations, or hurt feelings.

Sometimes it can be difficult to express the let-down that we feel in our partner's actions, non-actions and potentially careless words or deeds. That's why June and I feel that communication and expression are vital to us and our interpretation of this lifestyle. Sometimes irritation, disappointments, hurt feelings, etc. can cloud  the effectiveness of  what we are really trying to communicate. I know that I can be fairly adamant about my expectations and when they should be met. In most instances June and I are very much on the same page, but there have been a few occasions where she or I were off the mark and needed to take a few min to get emotion out of the picture, think clearly and not let hurt or anger get the best of us.

                                                      

 

We also believe that taking time is one thing, but drawing out an unresolved problem is unhealthy and unnecessary.  Shutting down is never acceptable in our house. I mean I have to think that if I am the HoH and I am to effectively lead and guide my family, that it is even LESS acceptable for me to start shutting down and be non-communicative. In the beginning this was something that I struggled with and no, I'm not proud of that. June got me thinking and talking and for me that was a major, major step, even outside DD/TTWD. I've never been in a relationship that made communication so easy, so fluid, and so welcome and even despite my attempts to clam-up and keep to myself, our love won out and I found my voice.  We think that it is far better to put things on the table, refine our thoughts, and turn towards the relationship in order to clear the air and move forwards before the sun sets.  Letting an issue stagnate can only lead to hard feelings, and cracks in the armor of our relationships and our own interaction.

                                            


  When  June and I discussed the foundation of our relationship we realized that one of the things that makes BOTH of us better is accountability and while I may not be the one on the receiving end of a good spanking, the standards of our relationship must, do and in fact apply to a higher standard for me. We often tell our youngest to "use your words" and that's something that I do in fact have to tell myself.... I'll be honest in that regard.  I'm like a lot of men, I don't want to talk about it... but being the man, the man my wife and children look to for answers, the head of our home, has taught me that I can't afford to do that anymore... That and June will, and in fact should, call me on that.  If it came down to it, she would place herself across my lap and have me spank her until I could communicate the emotions that I was feeling and how we can get to a better place.



                                                   

 Harmony can be disrupted fairly easily, sometimes we don't take notice of the small things our partners do to enrich our lives and our families. Sometimes it seems as if our partners don't care, or like what is important to us isn't important to them and that can and does hurt. Nobody likes to have their thoughts or feelings marginalized and I think that puts the onus on the HoH to ensure that there is no shut-down, no loss of communication and no distances that can hurt the relationship in either the long or short-term.  Take the time to put your emphasis on getting to a shared place of comfort that  has the strength and conviction to move forward despite discomfort, hurt feelings and/or anger.... The relationship benefits and let's be honest, folks, there are way better things to be doing at the end of the day than fighting or not talking to each other... just sayin!

                                                     

                                                         

Her POV:

This has been my greatest challenge. Because of my life, it has always been safer to shut-down. If you let them see how you were affected, or that you were hurt or bothered, it only got worse. I was very good at stuffing things down. Daddy does not allow this...not in the very least. The first time, during a conversation about the necessity of communicating what I felt, he used the phrase - passive-aggressive.....just cut me to the very core. He's right...he always is (sighs....schnoots to Daddy ALWAYS being right!....jk). It is passive aggressive. I wasn't aware of it. My tone was clipped, my answers short. "Yes, Daddy" became an eyes down "yes" .... shudders. But those were just the motions of our dynamic, it was not authentic.

Then we got to a different place. I would communicate... not right away. Sometimes I needed that moment to stuff down that eye roll, or that sarcastic remark and think about how I really felt and filter my emotions. It got me spanked. Why? I didn't communicate that I needed a moment to process, that I wasn't distancing myself from him, from us, but that I was using a minute to work things out in the framework of our relationship and be able to bring it to him respectfully. So I got spanked. Then we talked. He apologized. And I said if I need that moment, how about if I saw, "Daddy, I need a minute to process, please." Then he knows I am not shutting down.

It works. It lets us both know that we are present for each other, and for our relationship. He can do this too... and he has, "Daddy needs a moment to sort this out, lovey. We'll talk about this later (or tonight)." This space gives us the opportunity to enumerate our points, make sure we understand what we need, and frame them in the best possible way to serve our relationship.

I will call him on it. In TTWD I am very much accountable to him. But he is also accountable to me, to our God, and to our family as the head of our home, Distancing is so damaging. There is nothing in the world wrong with holding him accountable....respectfully. I did it wrong in the beginning..."You know what would happen to me if I did what you're doing?" YIKES! But as soft hand on his shoulder, or his leg, or just curling up beside him and winding my fingers with his, a soft kiss and a,"Daddy, distance is against our rules. I think we need to talk about what's on your mind.", or yes, laying across his lap... sometimes both. If the air needs to be cleared, this is the mechanism we have established to do so. No, not correction, discipline, we all need it... it goes hand in hand with accountability.

And the bottom line - heck yeah, there are better things we can be doing :)

Dun-dun-dun - Correction and Discipline Implements - Part 1

Okay, you asked about implements that we use for discipline and correction. This post is titled part one, because other implements could well enter this...errrrr...arsenal. Some are bought meant to be toys, but on use it becomes quite clear that they are not as enjoyable as was thought when looking at the pretty pictures, lol. So, with that in mind.....

Meet Mr. Studly (YIKES!). Before Daddy's last deployment we talked about getting more leather, most of what we had was wood (Daddy's a wood man). We had some delrin, and lexan , but no real leather toys. I perused Cane-iac, because as GORGEOUS as the things at London Tanners are, they are at this stage, a major investment for us. Mr. Studly, as his name indicates is a stud weighted strap. He is gorgeous, and very well made, rounded corners, no sharp edges, nicely weighted in Daddy's hand (the phone is there strictly for scale)....and by golly Ned - he HURTS! He was intended as a play toy, but Daddy said my reaction to him was less than favorable, so he is now a correction/discipline only implement....GULP!













The Lexan paddle makes me twitchy just seeing it. Thin, flexible...owie! It has a large surface area, and the composition of the acrylic gives it.....quite an impact. I suppose you could use this for fun, but it takes a metered hand, and for us it's one of those things used to make a definitive statement.

This is a fairly thick silicone loop called The Howler. Holy crow that's aptly named. This is one of those implements for those of you who ask about quiet implements. The implement is quiet...you may not be.

This one doesn't have a name, and Daddy would have to tell you where it came from. It is my "sad Panda" implement because when it comes out there is no question that I have disappointed Daddy...not something I ever want to do.

This is a padauk Naughty Stick (we have a purple heart as well). This again was a toy brought for fun, but after trying it out, Daddy said that it would be correction and discipline only, it makes me winge:"> This is especially useful (so Daddy says) for paying special attention to a naughty girl's sit spots... he has been known to use a wooden ruler and wooden spoon - quite vigorously - for that task - sigh....




This is a delrin loop. This is another super OWWWWW! And another very quiet implement....except for perhaps the recipient


When we discover other toys that fall into this category, we'll add an update :) But they'll never be used *shakes head vigorously* nope, nope...cause I'm just a lil

 

HIS POV:

Sometimes a good hard discipline session or a bun toasting corrective spanking is necessary. These implements are tools to be used in the pursuit of a happy, healthy relationship. I don't enjoy giving June correction but she also means enough to me that I will do whatever is necessary to make sure our relationship remains on course and in harmony!