Tested

 

The life of a submissive woman is full of tests. There are the conscious tests that our men present us with to help us learn to bend,  to help us stretch our limits, our horizons, our trust. These come as expectations of deference, expectations of obedience, expectations of grace. We are expected to follow the rules we establish for our relationships. As we all know sometimes just everyday life makes simple compliance a test all in itself. And we are tested to take that moment to compose ourselves and not reply with that knee-jerk snappy response, or eye-roll. There are the tests designed to deepen our submission - those calls or texts, with instructions, so that we can feel ourselves under their hands. There are those deepening tests that call us to make more public displays of our submission, wearing some symbol of his control or our submission in public, be it visible or invisible, it is there and we are acutely aware. There are the tests in discipline, a hated implement, a more vigorous than normal spanking, and our efforts to yield gracefully.




There are the tests we give ourselves, in submitting gracefully,  even when it's hard. We try to be anticipatory in service. We try to provide those things that make home refuge without being asked, to provide extraordinary comfort before he knows what he needs. We test ourselves when given the choice to choose an implement and we choose perhaps not our favorite, but his - or one that presents a challenge to us, because doing so signifies our trust and our desire to give him that. We test ourselves when we sense that he needs to feel our submission and we offer ourselves freely to him. We test ourselves in giving our willing hearts, and our softest demeanor.


And there are the tests that life throws our way. These may be the hardest of all because maybe they shake our men as well - the ones that are our anchors, the ones we lean on, the ones we depend on. And it's disconcerting to see them struggle - we want to think that they have all the answers...right now. What happens when they have career decisions to make? What happens when you are in financial negotiations? What happens when someone else holds the future of your family in their hands? This is where you must put your trust in the hands of your HoH. This is his job to handle the negotiations to the best of his ability and steer the ship in the best direction for your family. It is hard, and when you worry and obsess it is the same as saying you do not have confidence in your man.



I can speak on this with confidence because this is where we have been. I give Ward my deference in all things. It is my place to do so, and I relish the giving. There is talk periodically in blogland about layers. I've spoken before about being dismayed to feel I have given my complete submission, and finding another layer... finding a place of resistance... finding a place where I fail. This is my latest layer. People who administrate the process make promises and drag their heels, change the offerings, put things on the table that would cause our family to be separated. And instead of handing my worries to him, I allow distance to grow... so he cannot see my worry, don't you know.

Except that's not what is happening. I'm not shielding him. I am depriving him of comfort and support. I am not being his soft place to land. He needs to know I am in his corner. He needs to know that I trust him to make the right decision. He needs my confidence in his vision for our family. So my darling, I unclamp my fist, and I put this in your hands. I trust you to lead us. I open my heart and give you the love and the need that fed this fear. I acknowledge that this fear was unfounded, because you will always have this family in the fore of your mind. I submit my fear to you.

Worries are nothing more than little puffs of nothings when we are together, when we love and support each other, when we have each other's backs and the best interest of each other, our relationship and our family at heart.

HIS POV: 

June's trust and faith in me shake me to the very core. The thoughts of an HoH, the thoughts of a future more blessed are heavy and browsome indeed. Practicing and honing the art of deference, submission when it is not an easy thing to do is a crown of light unto June and a wreath of stars around her neck.  She is the apple of my eye and again my greatest blessing. The life I lead is not an easy one and I am not always such a easy man to know. Even on the hard days I recognize the effort that she places in her emotion and reaction to things that aren't always easy to hear or when perhaps fatigue has gotten the better of me.  She is always there, always trying, always deepening her submission and always quenching the rampant thirst of my dominance.

Layers of thoughts, dreams, worries, fears are only natural, especially when the sum of the future is held by a larger entity.  But that's it! In this I have found that with June's love, confidence, submission, deference, input, and energy and my determination, strength, dedication and commitment there is no wrong path... As long as she has my back, and as long as I can show her that I have the best interest of our family in mind. The future brings many questions but one thing that is not in question is our love... it grows bright and hot like a curling flame devouring kindling, it swells like a cresting wave, and quenches like cold water on a hot day. Responsibility is a burden, yes, but one that I bear with joy in my heart and determination to see my family lifted and blessed the best way I can.  I may yet continue in service to this country, I may exit and focus on education and the future while working to provide in many other ways...either way this is for my family, all of us, and I will not falter...

"Oh love! Where you are close, I'd hear the beating of your heart... My ear would hear the soft whispers of your heart... your worries, your dreams, I must demand them... I will take them and I will not fail you. I will guard your heart, as you would guard mine and in our love we will shake the very heavens." ~BTL

Dominance and Submission Exercises

                                                      

Submission is a valuable and wonderful gift that must be nurtured, developed, maintained and recognized every day to obtain the most worth.  Understanding the lady of the house, what she values and what makes her feel connected and valued most is invaluable to receiving and maintaining her submission.  It could be as simple as a request. It could be as complicated as regular maintenance spankings that are designed and centered around what makes her feel submissive.  The impact that freely given and well maintained submission can bring to a DD/TTWD relationship is substantial, and speaking as a HoH, extremely rewarding.  June and I spend a portion of every day connecting to our  (My dominant, her submissive) sides and nurturing it in ways that provide an immediate and obvious benefit.  "Sweety can you bring me a glass of water?"  "Here let me do that, you go and sit down, rest for a while"   These things are simple, cost nothing and keep the focus on the relationship and the people in it.

                                                    

I recommend finding or making a time in your evening routine to connect.  Spend some time talking, and working on your dominant and submissive roles. Sometimes this might mean working hard to find the grace necessary to submit with a gentle and grateful heart despite the first thoughts and comments that may pop into one's head. It is also important that a HoH recognize and praise the effort. It isn't always easy to submit. Pain, exposure, and being outside one's comfort zone can makes submission a challenge. Improving communication is the goal here.  I'd also like to emphasize the importance of the individuality that belongs to each couple and the suggestions that June and I offer here can be easily reworked to fit your needs.

                                                 


Here are a couple of  dominance and submission exercises.

- Spanking - Well you knew this one was going to be here. Ladies, this is the time to show him that you can gracefully accept and yield to being under his hand. Take a hot bath, have a cup of warm tea, unwind or read for a little while before approaching him. Find something that stings... something that might not be your favorite, or something you don't enjoy. Bring it to him and place yourself right over his lap. Have him spank you a slow to moderate pace and let yourself feel it, embrace the heat and find your grace and submission.

I realize that this can be difficult to do, but that's why we do it. Building grace and accepting dominance when it is difficult is a hallmark of a strong  submissive.

                                                     

For the dominant partner, I recommend giving her praise and grace. It is important for you to let her know that this is in fact, a exercise in submission and that you very much appreciate it's difficulty.

                                                     

For HoH's - Take the lead, take  over when she needs you to.  Walk up behind her, whisper your appreciation in her ear and finish dinner or the dishes,  speaking of dinner, if you both need to decompress, turn dinner down on low, and go to your room and spend some time giving her your full attention and awareness.

                                                        

-Romance - It might sound odd, but a healthy well groomed sense of romance is a very good way to remind ourselves of our place in the relationship.  Write each other letters (pen and paper guys),  take her kisses  and give her the strength and warmth of your body.  We recommend the use of blindfolds, scented candles, molten wax, soft music, restraints  (I know, I know, I sound like a freak, but try it, it works...I promise). Make love like a man and a woman and do so with an unselfish hungry fashion... It will be a delicious experience.


                                               




Finding and nurturing submission leads to ease of communication, increased intimacy, a full and intimate understanding of each other and each other's dreams, ideas, fantasies, wishes and how best to fulfill them. We would encourage you to find and use what works for you to deepen your relationship roles, and greater contribute to the strength of your relationship!




                                            

Her POV:

We've said it before, and I will say it again - TTWD is not one-size-fits-all. You may already have an idea of the things that turn you into girl goo. And there may be others that you learn as you grow together as a couple. Don't be afraid to tell him when something makes you go weak in the knees, or gives you those delicious brain tickles..."I liked when you did ..." All I have to tell Ward is...mmm, that gave me brain tickles, Daddy. Generally, though, he is more than well aware of the effect he has on me by my reaction, and he is not afraid to capitalize on that.

Observe your partner, watch for what makes her softer and turn into you...watch what makes his eyes burn a little brighter, his verbal and physical response become clearer, surer, more confident...sometimes even take on that delicious dark little edge. Show your mindfulness, when you know he has had a hard day, slide behind him on the sofa, massage his neck and shoulders as he reads or watches TV (chances are he won't be doing either for very long), sit at his feet, remove his shoes and socks and massage his weary feet and legs.

We had a conversation after a very seemingly ordinary moment that cranked my gears...I could feel it wash over me, and I could feel myself bending to him. When I told him, he smiled and said that he knew because he could feel my voice turn inward and could see my submission surge in my eyes, in my manner, he could feel me bend. It is pleasurable to serve him.

One thing that I do is try to always be mindful that the things I do for him are a service in my submission... be it that glass of water, or stopping whatever it is I was doing to give him my attention... everything that I do, every look that I give, every response that I utter is an opportunity to express my submission to his leadership.

Worries, Dreams and Ideas

  Sometimes life inspires me.  Not always in ways that I would expect or seek.. and in that there is a certain kind of magic.  Of course there are the things that never fail to inspire or amaze, but sometimes the world around us, our children,  June, or just a pretty song can bring me clarity in the midst of an admittedly stressful life.  Our lifestyle aside, we are like a lot of working class American families and in today's world there is a lot a man has to consider.

I try to be thankful for the things that we have and not take for granted the small comforts and blessings that modern life affords. I try to remember that my family has indeed been blessed and we are light years ahead of where we were last year at this time.  Still even considering our numerous blessings, and how far we have come as a family and as a couple... Sometimes I worry that I don't quite measure up as a father.... (Yes, HoHs can have insecurities)  June has often reassured that I generally do a good job as father and husband,  but sometimes I guess that's just it, I want to give my family the best of everything, I know that that's perhaps not the most logical or even pragmatic view,  but in light of the recent tragedies and it being the holiday season, family has become even more important than ever.

 June and I have both often talked about our childhood experiences and we both agree that we want to give our children a better experience than either of us had. We try to give the kids the kind of positive environment that encourages and inspires growth and communication.

"Children have the right to dream, what will they become?  Where will they grow?  Will they know peace and satisfaction? When a child becomes an adult they learn what they where able to become and no matter how they wish they can no longer claim childhood innocence... No matter what let it be said that children have the right to dream." ~ BTL


We have also talked about our own future and many a lights-out conversation has included sharing our own romantic vision of life after the military, life after finishing school and of course the daunting task of relocating to new quarters.  We won't share all of our ideas but the discussions have in fact illuminated several interesting ideas and possibilities. This kind of soft, intimate conversation is something that I never had even in previous relationships and I never grow tired of it. The quiet hours when we share, communicate and inspire each other are a vital element of our interpretation of TTWD and D/s.

 Normally in my post I share a theme or idea with you, and I guess this post is not so very different. I would encourage you all to find or make a special time of day for you to share your worries, dreams and ideas.  Who knows what you might discover or learn.  Much of what I have learned and shared with June has come from this very special time of day. There is a wonderful warmth that comes from observing the beauty of her inspiration and the sparkle of her eyes when a new and wonderful idea illuminates her mind and lights the wick of her imagination.

Her POV: 

I don't think that Ward understands how simple are my needs, or the needs of our children. Tonight, we were all in the kitchen, making cookies, Daddy participating, sitting at the table with the boys, forming and decorating cookies, me hands in cookie dough, mixing...and weeping. I brought a tray to the table and wrapped my sticky arms around him and kissed him, and thanked him for giving me what I always wanted. Who could want more than that single, gorgeous, poignant moment of family togetherness.

In the living room, the boys playing video games with him, while I made the pizza for dinner, and once I popped it in the oven, came to join them till the buzzer rang. The youngest came and hugged me and said "Thanks for choosing him, mom. I love him, and I'm glad he's here with us." How much more perfect? He worries that he does... who knows what kind of magic...but he has performed the greatest of magics in healing three hearts, in giving us what we never thought we would have... someone to love us like that.

I love that time of night, it's the time that is just ours, no phone calls,no door bells, no  TV, no raucous laughter and play from the boys and their friends. Just he and I, touching, talking, kissing - yum - then spooning, his arm tight around me, our fingers intertwined. The dark can give that extra bit of courage for the difficult subjects. But it always ends well and sweetly, closer for the moment, the touch, the tenderness, the time we devote to being us.

Long before I knew him, I loved the idea of him. Now, he's here, and I love him with the fullness of my being, in a way that words can never express. I always will. 

Lesson learned, fear shed

Part of our relationships are about growth and learning. Sometimes that is not a painless process. I have had several great revelations throughout my relationship with Ward. I just had another one... it shook me with it's magnitude and it shook him, at first negatively, thinking that I doubted him. Then, when I reached the conclusion, we began to rebuild with a new understanding.

It started with a question..."Daddy, do you think I'm real?" No, that wasn't like, do you think I'm too good to be true, that was, do you think I am genuine or a faker? "I'm afraid that the mask will fall away and that I will be ugly underneath." And it was met with the words that cut me to the core and make me bleed my faithlessness. "Why are you afraid to see the positive? Is not my love good? Does blessing not find you?"

Why would I think such a thing? I came from a woman with a dark heart. She could love no one but her self. My father...very distant... I think.... still do, though he denies it, that there is a distance because I was born from that darkness. I spent most of my life not knowing how to be, but having a vivid example of what not to be, how not to do things, how not to treat people. I have a recurring dream of her, one that wakes me up screaming, her head on the body of a viper, that sly, portentous smile that harbored the most impure of intents. She was mistress of disguise to entrap, then she attacked and destroyed.






I, myself, in this life have borne many masks. They were the masks I wore when I was told that I was not enough, to keep a love that did not really exist. My fingers curled from the burden of carrying these masks throughout my life. When I found this man who loved me in a genuine way, in an ever-growing, deep and abiding way, I waited to be not enough. We got past that hurdle. Then I began to fear that I was full of guile, that I would shed a mask one day and he would see the 'real me' and be disgusted.






And as we talked, and his words braided into the lifeline that I have come to rely on, I saw that my hands were empty...for the first time ever, my fingers are unfurled and unburdened. I carry no mask, I hold no guile...with him, I am an open heart. I have always stood naked before him, because for him, I have always been enough. And the realization that struck me like thunder? I'm afraid to be her. I'm afraid that having come from her, she will slither out of my soul. But he has taught me, enough that I can feel it, enough that I can see it, enough that I can believe it....I am not her. My heart is not dark. I will not break open and spill venom on those that I love because I bear none.




And this man, whom I love with all that I am and all that I have gives me the gift of freedom. He reaches beyond the wounds that my fear and insecurity cause to him to heal me.

Thank you, Daddy. I don’t have to be afraid anymore. I AM naked before you, there is nothing to fall away. You have always given me the freedom, the gift of being my true self for the first time ever. There were burdens I bore and masks I wore before in vain attempts to be loved. But you long ago stripped me of artifice. I feel lighter, and I have shed another fear. 

No other love in all of the world... in all of my life, there's been no other love. 

HIS POV:
June, came to me damaged in a deep and profound way. The impact that this negative person she speaks of is obvious sometimes even during joy.  I am so thankful that you have learned to let me in and let me show you the light which that person tried to hide from the world.. I saw it right away and even when you struggled... it was there.  You are my true love and greatest blessing and I thank God so much for you! Thank you for letting me take the burden from your shoulders and lead you to a place of light and love. It is a true blessing to love you!

I need your grace

We struggle, my Darling, under the weight of all these fears. And like the song exhorts, I would wish that I could just lay down here, have you lie with me and we could just forget the world, duty, and submarines, and distance.

I promised you long ago that I would be your safe place to land. I hope that I do that, you deserve that, and I need to give you that. In these days, with their interminable waiting, and trepidation of the possible news, I try to be supportive. I pray for the grace that I need to serve us and to support you in your duty. And I am afraid that in trying to protect you from the rawness of my fear, that I have not been that soft place.

"I need your grace to remind me to find my own" - and I tell you that I am afraid of the distance and that I don't understand why I am pushing away, and the soft fingers on my face and the gentle voice, "I think I understand, lovey" and you speak my heart, and I cry. I cry because I have been blessed with grace beyond measure. I have been blessed with you. And I find my belief in all that is good, and I find my faith that this is meant to be, and I find that God has given me all the grace that I will ever need in you.

I love you, and I thank you for your faith, your patience, your love, your strength,your guidance, gentle. And I thank God every single second of every single day for you.



HIS POV: 
God grant me the strength to be the man that you deserve. His grace is unquestionable and I am only his instrument. I pray for that nightly and my blessing in you is manifest and undeniable. Grace is there even through the difficult times, even when it isn't easy, even when it hurts. What we have is always beautiful, always powerful and I think even when you are quiet, even when the distance is there, you can feel it.... I love you... and I thank the Lord for blessing me beyond my wildest of dreams.

Beauty and Self-Image



  I see beauty everywhere, I see it in the sky, blue and full of clouds, I see it  in the forests so full of trees and green.  I see it on the smiling face of children and in my lover's voluptuous form.  Sometimes June has trouble seeing herself as I do.  As I am sure you know, June's past  has a lot to do with that.  She is as beautiful and radiant as the sun and I am working hard to change her perception of what beauty is. I won't say it's the whole reason, but I think the media has significantly contributed to what I believe is an unrealistic and unobtainable standard of beauty for both men and women.   I guess I've always had a unique and different mindset, but the beauty of human form is undeniable.  The differences between us all are to be celebrated.   Tall or short, light or dark,  we are all a testament to design and shape.

 She knows that I don't tolerate any self-disparaging remarks or down talk about herself.  I think that a positive self-image is a important part of any healthy relationship, and even more so when that relationship contains elements of Domestic Discipline.  I celebrate her beauty and grace in my life daily. The impact of her beautiful spirit, her kindness, her wisdom and grace are as potent and delightful as the sensual gift that her curvy form is. Every inch of her skin  from head to toe speaks of my delight and the warmth that radiates (sometimes literally) from within. 



 We want to be the couple walking down the street that everyone notices... Not for the clothes we wear or the car we drive but  the relationship. We want the beauty and light of our relationship to speak for itself.  Being rich in family and spirit is something that we all delight in and we love to let it shine.

As for physical beauty,  with everything else I guess there is just no accounting for tastes. June knows that I love her body, and that her body type is what calls to me.. I like curves,  always have always will and as she gains confidence, I've noticed that June is becoming less afraid to use them on me! I find her increasing confidence sexy and marvel at how anybody ever found her less than beautiful.  My tastes tend to run toward what was once considered classic.  My tastes tend to run towards the curvy and the rubenesque...

                                                  

A positive self-image is more than sexy, it's the foundation of confidence and pride.  The beauty we carry inside is stronger and deeper than the world around us!

Her POV:

I have to tell you that I am sitting here with a raging blush, first for Daddy's effusive praise, and secondly because my boldness has been noted (of course I know he notes it, but to have it pointed out that I'm not necessarily as demure as I like to be....oh my). I am Daddy's girl, I am Ward's woman, and I enjoy expressing my love of and my desire for him in many ways. 

When I am with him, this mundane world disappears, and the world we inhabit is a beautiful place - the landscape is verdant, the sky is azure in day, and a velvet midnight blue painted riotously with stars at night, beauty abounds and the air is fresh and sweet with botanical scents. When I am with him, my body sings, and I feel as elegant and beautiful and full of grace as any dancer that lights a stage afire with her passion. When I am with him I am who I always dreamed I could be. I am free and unfettered, and without limits.

When he is not here, when he is floating beneath the jeweled sea, I ache for the things that are but pale ghosts without him - and I work with all my might to remain worthy of our life and his esteem. 

I don't know if I will ever feel beautiful to the world, but I feel beautiful to him, and that is all that really matters, isn't it? I love you, mo Rí.

Dependence

I've been thinking - again - told you I was dangerous. In Change, Growth, Trust and Submission I asked, "The only worry that I have - and I ask him all the time - is this too much? Do I lean too much? Is the burden too heavy? Because having to do that, to carry that wears on me. But my man - he thrives on it."

I know that when he is away, when he cannot be here, when I cannot lean, it is daunting. I know that by the end of the day I feel like I've been run over a cheese grater a couple of thousand times, I'm numb and tired. I know there are a lot of us whose spouses travel, myself, Stormy, mouse, Grace, Riley. And as seems to happen so often, there is a vein of thought running through the community, and not necessarily in posts, but in our conversations with each other in the comments.

I need Ward. And it seems that needs grows proportionally with the growth of my submission. All of the bloggers I mentioned above have made similar observations, as well as faerie and Susie. The longer we do TTWD, the more I lean. In a world where it seems women are considered weak when they are dependent, we thrive as we become more dependent. That statement would outrage feminists everywhere.

Like so many of the words that have relevance to submissive women, the word dependent seems to bear a negative meaning. As defined in the dictionary, dependence is a noun meaning:

1. The state of being dependent, as for support.
2.  Subordination to someone or something needed or greatly desired.
3. The state of being determined, influenced, or controlled by something else. 
4. A compulsive or chronic need; an addiction.

Well that IS kind of bristly, isn't it? I personally dislike the word subordinate. And the rest of those are just not very much better. Ahhh, but wait...

     5. Trust; reliance. (reliance is defined as: The faith, confidence, or trust felt by one who relies)

Well, there we are. That sounds much more like us. I don't depend on Ward because I must. I depend on Ward because I trust him. I depend on Ward because he is honorable. I depend on Ward because I trust him more than anyone on this earth. I trust Ward with my life. I trust Ward with the children I brought into our relationship. I have faith in his leadership.

So, no, I don't feel less because I depend on my man. I feel blessed that I can. I enjoy it. And that seems purely selfish. So my worry, remains, not that I am dependent, but that it will exhaust my Ward, because it is not my aim to take away from him, but to fill him, to support him, to serve him, to love him with all that I am.


HIS POV:
June honors me with her trust and faith.  Every day that we are together, we live for each other and her sentiments in this regard reflect that.  She often ask me if it's too much, to which I smile and reassure her that it is in fact not too much at all, and that it is my greatest privilege to be the head of our family. To guide, protect, nurture, love and discipline is my job and she enables me to do this so very well... even when I am away from home for long periods of time. Our dependence on each other is a beautiful piece of our life together and I wouldn't have it any other way.