Personalization In Your Dynamic

The time has come to approach and illuminate a topic that has the potential to effect a large percentage of the folks in DD/TTWD marriages as well as resound throughout blogland. This is a topic that June and I both very strongly about and while we understand that some people have differing opinions, we feel that speaking out about the potential pifalls and dangers of single minded, insensitive, approaches to DD/TTWD and some of the potentially disastrous consequences that can befall even seasoned couples in an otherwise healthy relationship.  We do not seek to proclaim ourselves experts, and would not dare deign to tell others that our way is "The Way" or disrespect any established couples. We hope that you will share in this journey to the heart and health of DD/TTWD and we freely encourage people to ask questions.

Have you ever stopped and considered what makes your relationship special and unique? Is it the things you say to each other? Is it how you treat each other? Is it how you interpretation of the intricacies of  your dynamic? We ask that you keep these questions in mind as we discuss and speak out about something that has been eating at us.  There are several entities and resources in the DD/TTWD world that claim that they are "experts" or that their way is "the way" to go. We will speak out against this and denounce this as dangerous and somewhat reckless. I'm sure some of you have heard of several "books" or have heard of  Domestic Discipline "bootcamps" or "bootcamp" style relationship training.  Some see this as a way to condition or indoctrinate their spouse to the concepts of "leadership", "punishment"  and the general foundation, and day to day concepts of the DD/TTWD lifestyle.  It is our opinion that an "all encompassing" or  formulaic approach to something as precious and important as the DD lifestyle is reckless at best and dangerous at it's worst. We believe that for a couple to get the most  out of this lifestyle,  that a great dear of care must be exercised when dealing with each others emotions,  ideas, expressions, affections etc... In simpler terms it is paramount that we know and understand each other in order to best serve each other's needs even and especially the need for order, discipline and structure.

One of the things that we've seen with the "bootcamp" principal is the idea of punishment to introduce the concept of submission or "to get used to it."  The idea of punishment without a good reason is an idea that is destructive, harmful and absolutely without merit. We expressly admit that we do believe in spanking as a submission exercise, as well as spankings for role reinforcement, but the idea of arbitrary punishment is nothing less than detrimental to the mental and spiritual state of the TiH and the state of the relationship.  Regrettably, June and I have both also seen the negative impact that the bootcamp experience can offer... Sometimes it sends the wrong message to both HoH and TiH... A misguided HoH can become disconnected from his TiH and may not be aware of the real emotions, fears, and true honesty... If punishment or correction occurs without merit? How can we expect real honesty? In the wrong situations, a TiH  may feel various feelings of negativity, resentment, fear or inadequacy at the prospect of unwarranted punishment...This in conjunction with several other factors could easily cause hard feelings, and difficulty in communication.  We should also express that  there may be merit in the idea of bootcamp...open communication about the expectations of the house, what a couple is striving for, open and honest discussions about  the impact that you both expect and desire,  healthy and considerate introductions to healthy forms of spankings that have a purpose... These are all things that can benefit a healthy happy relationship and we would entreat people to explore these concepts  in a "them" centric manner that speaks to their own unique considerations, needs, and requirements.

One of the other concepts that we would express at this time is the need for consistent care, awareness, and  respect to both people in the relationship.  I may be the HoH in our relationship, but I am also cognizant of the fact that June needs me to demonstrate not only a fierce love but a deep and uncompromising respect for her as my wife, the mother of my children, and the voice and life of our home.  We have learned that in our relationship, we must make the time to develop and perfect a process that speaks to the decisions we make and the importance that we hold for each other, and that is our suggestion to you... Work together to discover something that you can develop a blueprint for a healthy happy relationship that puts a sharp and clear focus on healthy and pure unity.

June here - I believe that as a start to DD, having a dedicated time with no interruptions to outline the specifics of the relationship, such as rules and expectations of both partners is a constructive, foundation-building thing. I believe that one of those expectations should be time set aside every single day to connect and affirm our roles, rather than have periodic bootcamps to realign or redefine.

It is no secret that Daddy and I do daily maintenance. So please do not take this to mean that I am speaking against spanking, or other methods of correction as tools in a DD relationship, or that I am speaking out of both sides of my mouth. When Daddy spanks for role affirmation, for discipline, just because he can, or for correction, he takes the time to see me. He knows me well enough to understand what I need, to understand what it takes to get through to me. You can see this kind of leadership all over blogland, HoH's who understand their women and lead instinctively, like Jim, Jake, Ian, Michael, Dragon, Omega and Steven to name a few.  To not cultivate that kind of environment, that kind of interaction can result in more unwanted behaviors that it prevents. I believe that submission should come from a place of wanting to give respect and deference to our HoH, a place of desiring to be pleasing, a place of service, and not a fear of punishment.

I think it is dangerous to take someone hungry for the closeness that DD brings, and trepidatious about what it takes to lead, and give them a checklist of how to conduct a spanking or corrective action. I think the formulaic approach can lead some to think there is no other way, does not encourage them to see how things fit into their relationships and how to make it their own. I believe the approach can teach an HoH to close himself off to his TiH. For example in our case because of my background, corner time or time in our room would create panic in me, I would feel abandoned. I need his reassurance that he is there and that the things he does, even correction, come from a place of love. When correction is over I need his arms, and his assurances that his love is unconditional, that I am forgiven, and that we are moving forward with growth and a better understanding, and the transgression won't be brought up again by either of us. He won't allow me to beat myself up over something we have resolved.

I think the bootcamp experience can be emotionally draining, and then to heap a long evening of causeless punishments can be emotionally damaging. This kind of thing can break one's spirit. For us the idea of DD is never to diminish each other, and Daddy would never, ever break my spirit. I think that there needs to be a purge in that establishment period, something like Roz's beautiful ceremony detailed in her post "Collared". For Daddy and myself there was something similar, yes a very long, firm spanking, with lots of love and pride expressed as a sign of the things we were letting go, and the things we choose to embrace. This has to be what speaks to and serves your relationship, not from a checklist or chart.

As I stated above, for me submission come from a desire to serve, a desire to be pleasing, not because I fear the consequences if I displease him in breaking one of our rules. I think that both Dominance and submission call us to be mindful of our partners, and to take the time to reaffirm our roles and commitment to them daily. Yes, we spank daily. We also affirm our roles within our relationship and to each other in small ways every day. Much as mouse beautifully illustrates again and again of her dynamic with Omega, Daddy understands my need to feel his Dominance, and his devotion to me is to provide submission exercises. These can be spankings, writing assignments, or tasks. And I try to be mindful of his needs and provide things in service and deference to him, like meeting him at the door with a drink or removing his shoes and socks after a long day and refreshing and massaging his feet.

As Daddy said, none of this is to say that we have all the answers. We have worked very hard to have the answers for us. Sometimes we see something that someone else shares that speaks to a struggle we have had. We discuss it and see how it applies to us. We are grateful for the mentorship provided by the experienced couples in this community. We believe the opportunities to speak with others in this lifestyle through our blogs, and the various chatrooms are invaluable. We believe that everyone can only speak with authority to their own relationship.  And no one can or should speak as an authority on this lifestyle in general. 

Ward again - We would like to finish this post by expressing that in addition to understanding the way your process works for you, you may also find some deep and unexpected benefits of a enriched, personalized DD/TTWD relationship. Taking the time to develop, nourish, and evolve an ideology and lifestyle that is right for you and your partner....No this isn't always easy, fair, or fun, and yes, you will be tested....sometimes it's going to hurt, but knowing that we matter to each other, really matter, enough to effect a positive culture of awareness and responsibility says that this love is unconditional, indubitable and transcendent.

We also have to admit that we have both made a few mistakes and suffered a few setbacks, neither one of us is perfect. The beauty of mistake-making though is in the growth and knowledge that this begets. When we learn, we grow and when we grow we see the positive effect that change can have in our relationships.  Establishing these changes allows us to tweak and further refine the policies and expectations that benefit our relationships the most. It all starts with a mindset that teaches us to develop our own unique ideas, needs, and thoughts... We would suggest this might be a great starting point for the uninitiated, or a great vantage point for the established. Either way, there is much wealth to be mined in investing our own time and energy in the way we approach DD/TTWD.
June again -  The essence of DD/TTWD relationships is mutual mindfulness and respect. When we undertake activities we want them to enrich our dynamics, not potentially break our spirits or damage us or our relationships. Ward and I often look at our children and think - Lord they didn't come with an instruction manual. Truth be told, when I was pregnant with my first I read every single book because I wanted to be the best I could be. When I was handed that little person I reaffirmed my undying commitment to him. And when I sat on the living room floor crying because those books didn't answer the questions I had, and nothing was working for THIS child, I realized even the author can only speak from their own personal experience. They didn't know MY child. I had to open my heart and reach out with my spirit and my soul to his, and find the ways that I could best benefit him.

The truth is, we are humans, and we are different, and our experiences, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, psyches and reactions are all influenced by our personality and our personal experiences. There is no one size fits all answer. And there are no manuals. We would encourage you to read, to seek, but we would also encourage you to take whatever you find and make it your own, with the well-being of your partner's heart, mind, body and being in the forefront of your mind. 

Expectations

                                            




 Expectations.  Little word, big implications! 

 It's more than just my ideas of how our happy little home should be run.  It's more than just me flexing my muscles as a dominant.  Expectations are the actualization of clear, open communication. I think as the Head of my Home, giving clear, unobstructed expectations clears away confusion and gives us all (myself included) the way ahead. I also think that as long as there are standards, that I have to hold myself to the highest among them, after all how can I make a rule if I myself cannot abide by it? 

                                                   

 I think in today's world expectations almost become even more important. Raising our children into strong successful, positive men is definitely a feat in today's world. Clarity, respect, love and accountability are a vital part of any family structure, but in our home it becomes an integral part of our day to day life.  Having two young boys with SPD makes clear communication extremely important. They need and depend on June's and my consistent love, reinforcement and patience to learn and thrive in a world that isn't always so patient or easy. They respond in kind and give us the honor of loving them with a fastness and surety that brings comfort to us all. Occasionally, this brings us out of our comfort zone but ultimately, that's a good thing!


                                                    


In TTWD, expectations are also of the utmost importance,  She submits with grace and deference, I attempt to honor her by being the kind of man that she deserves and needs.  I don't always feel like I succeed, but she bolsters me and gives me the strength to give her my best and to become better. I expect her submission. I expect her respect. I expect her obedience and I expect in turn to give her comfort. I expect to give her grace, and kindness. I expect to give her my best, even when it isn't always easy or I find myself  conflicted by personal interests. No, our love is greater and I hold myself to this standard because she deserves no less than a man who protects, guides, teaches, disciplines, and loves her to the fullest. Yes, sometimes these expectations are high, but I feel that they need to be.  I am not prepared to settle for good, when great is there to be taken, I am not going to settle for low hanging fruit when the sweetest can be had higher up. I am not part of a generation that expects participation trophies.

Here are some of the Expectations of Our House

-  Communication early and often
-  Maximum Effort
-  Obedience
-  Grace in Dominance and Submission
-   Positive Attitude Always


Of course patience is required and so is a firm hand.  I am sure I am not alone  in understanding the value of being kind and patient. Also of deep value is the security and comfort that comes with knowing that we have each other's backs.  If we slip up or make a mistake, it's not time wasted as long as we come away from the experience with a healthy respect for each other and appreciation of the knowledge that we have gained along the way.  Sometimes being patient doesn't always come as naturally as I'd like to say it does, but understanding each other, and giving each other support is often the surest path to harmony.

Sometimes a firm hand (or hairbrush or strap or... well I'm sure you get the point) are integral to our process,  not necessarily correction but the reinforcement of our love and expectations of one and other.... We know we are different, but really sometimes nothing does the trick quite like a trip upstairs and over the knee.

                                           

We learn from each other every day and value the wisdom and clarity that expectations can bring into our life.  We would not be who we are if we did not have the patience, and drive to expect the best of each other and hold each other to a standard of excellence in love and life.

There are expectations... and they are indeed great!

                                             

Her POV

Like Ward, I think my expectations are higher for myself as an individual than for him. That may seem inequitable, but in our time together, he has proven to exceed every single expectation and or hope that I had, every dream/fantasy/desire that I ever constructed. He is a reward to my heart, and my life of which I hope that I prove worthy.

I have expectations more for our relationship, than for us as individuals. I expect that we will be honest. I expect that we will be caring. I expect that we will hold each other's needs paramount. I expect that we will love each other and give each other and our children our very best. I expect that he will hold me accountable for the standards that we have set. I expect that when I come to him, feeling like I have failed, he will give me the truth, and absolution or relief. I expect that when I come with any burden, he will raise me up. I expect that I will lift any burden that he bears.

I expect that I will give him my very best. I expect that he will give me his very best. I expect that we will make our family our priority. I expect that we will learn and grow and love each other more with every tomorrow.

Define "Fair"

No...really,  what does fair mean to you? I ask, because it's  a conversation that Daddy and I have all the time. Sometimes, we'll be wrestling, or tickle-fighting and Daddy, who is a gorgeous behemoth (a mythological beast mentioned in Job 40:15-24. Metaphorically, the name has come to be used for any extremely large or powerful entity.) of a man, will win (do ya think?) and I'll jokingly say to him..."Well, that's not fair!" and he'll say, "I never said it would be fair, I said it would be worth it."

When I first joined blogland, and before we started this blog, I came across Stormy's post - What About Unfair Spankings?, and shortly after, Christina's post When the HoH Makes An Unfair Decision - Final Lessons. I'm sure most of you understand the phenomenon, we see things in blogland that give us talking points in our own relationships, and that helps us to grow and develop our own dynamics. So Daddy and I had, and sometimes continue to have a discussion based on the topic of fairness. The latest round of this discussion was spurred by Pocahontas' post It's Just Not Fair!




My view on the issue surprised Daddy, and continues to surprise him. I actually find him debating with his feet in the "it can be unfair" camp. Again, I will preface this by saying that I'm a bit of an odd bird, and I hope that I do not alienate my friends by saying this, I don't see how, in the kind of relationships we are in, that there can be an 'unfair'. (ducks)


As defined, Fair means:

Adjective In accordance with the rules or standards; legitimate.

Adverb Without cheating or trying to achieve unjust advantage: "he played fair".

When we decide to live our lives under domestic discipline, we sit down with our partners and define what that means within the sphere of our relationship. We define our relationships, and then spend the rest of our lives together refining them.

Each and every one of us has a different dynamic, that's necessary, one size DOES NOT fit all here. We define our rules, many of us have them posted on our blogs, and we define the consequences for not keeping faith with those rules. So, if we break those rules, and he keeps faith within the definition of our relationship, how can we call them unfair?

 





Once, not too long ago, on our terrible, very bad 
weekend, I received a correction. The next day, I got another one...YIKES, June! *Hangs head in shame* - As should be, we discussed the situation that led us there and how to avoid it in the future. In that discussion, Daddy got the idea that the first spanking was unfair, and he apologized. I didn't see why he apologized,  because, as my Daddy... my HoH, he has the right to spank me when he chooses, whether for correction, or simply to remind me of my place in our relationship and reinforce submission. I told him that it was okay, I needed it anyway, as I was stressed. When I told him all of this he said, well yes, perhaps I did NEED to be spanked, but I did not DESERVE to be spanked for the reason he spanked. That brings up another point, as much as they need and deserve our grace in submission, sometimes they need our grace in forgiveness as much as we need theirs.



When we give our men authority over us, we give them authority to spank (well most of us anyway) for correction/punishment and discipline/role-affirmation/stress-relief at the very least (some of us, more reasons). When we do that, we acknowledge their leadership and their right to take us in hand, for the betterment and benefit of our well-being and of our relationships. We acknowledge that authority by virtue of our trust that they have the best interests of us and our relationships at heart.If we question their fairness, or question their right to lead us, is that not calling our trust into question? If we look at the definition above, They are not trying to achieve unfair advantage, they are simply holding both of us to the rules and standards we have established together.

Pocahontas raised many good points in her post. Yes, we are expected to bend, to submit, to accept their decisions with grace. They are expected to shoulder the lion's share of responsibility for our families, all of our well-being, and our interpersonal relationships. Each one of us could say of our own share of the equation that it is unfair. But if we consider the big picture, it is balanced....

Adjective

Keeping or showing a balance; arranged in good proportions. Taking everything into account; fairly judged or presented.

HIS POV:  
As the head of our home, it is my belief that I must act with the deepest prudence and always in the best interest of our relationship. That being said, I know that I don't always get things right, but I also know that giving her what she needs has to take priority over my own desires and ideas sometimes harmony, consistency and a desire to be a source of good govern our house. As it's keeper I must maintain this attitude.  Fairness is a nice concept, but I think it's more important to have clear communications about the expectations of the dynamic.

June is absolutely correct in her explanation of agreed rules and the roles in our dynamic, I am the head of our home and she is my voice, therefore, it falls on my shoulders to ensure that I am not histrionic, too emotionally invested, or blinded by impure motives. It's not always easy and like the rest of us I, too, make mistakes.  Mistakes can teach us a lot of things if we but have the wisdom to learn from them. 

I will also say that I think there is still a world of difference between what is right and what is fair. I strive to do what is right by my family. I strive to do what is right by our children and our home... This is not always easy or comfortable and sometimes I do have to make unpopular decisions or make unpopular rules, but I do so with the best interest of my loved ones in mind... Oh.. and one other thing,  June will tell you, I never ever once promised that I would be fair  (a bit HoHy aren't I?)

Seeking Perfection

I have a friend (do you, June, do you really? - yes I really do) - a DD friend. She says sometimes that she feels inferior. I tell her that she shouldn't everyone has their own path, that Ward and I started our relationship this way, not like her and her Daddy who changed after 14 years of marriage, and that I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I am just blessed with a strong Daddy, who is capable of handling my imperfections, and loving me still more and deeper when we come out on the other side. So, I thought I should share a tale that shows just how very human I am.

Daddy and I had a rough weekend.I've only been corrected twice in our time together. I was corrected twice this weekend. The first time for distancing....*head shaking* oh, June, not again...yes, again - sigh - it's a process....yes it is my greatest struggle. And because this is not the first time, Ward wanted to make a point, and he did...strenuously.






Yesterday, Daddy said something that struck that both feet down, brakes in the dirt kind of reaction.So thinking back to the Saturday, I thought, okay, no hesitation, immediate response, and I bypassed my filters, crossed my arms, put my nose in the air and said 'Fine!' (I see you all cringing...I did too, but I was going for broke here...it was a test of the Unfiltered Broadcast System which apparently is in no way connected to any system of survival...you see where this is going right?) Daddy said, "When a lady says fine it is most certainly anything but."






Just a little background. Because of my background, I have a fear that one day he will wake up and see 'the real me' the one that seems so easy to walk away from, that there is something inside of me that surfaces at some point, less than the sum of who I am. So, snarky June (yes, June can be snarky - sighs ashamedly) said, "Well, you may as well see the real me." And Daddy replied, "Perhaps I should see the real you, but be prepared for a real reaction." I was, I knew what would happen, I certainly didn't expect him to back down from disrespect because of hurt feelings or anything. Believe it or not, I knew exactly what I was doing (just maybe not why in that moment) and I knew exactly what he would do. He did not disappoint.


Many spanks, many implements, and some baby oil later, a very emotionally rung out little girl lay in her Daddy's arms. I apologized for my disrespect, I told him that I expected no less than what had happened, and that it wasn't the real me...but it was the unfiltered me. I am not always immediately the sweet, sunny June. It takes work. I have to suppress all kinds of....unworthy emotions sometimes. I explained that I may sometimes hesitate, or pull back just a little, but it's not trying to shut him out, it's me trying to process, running a gut check, and running knee jerk responses through my filters trying to be his good girl.

Daddy said he understood that and he owed me an apology for spanking me the day before. I said he didn't, I needed it anyway. He said he did owe me an apology, while I did need it, it was not for the reason it was given. I don't think it was unjust, and I don't think it was unfair. I broke one of our fundamental rules in the way it was established and defined. We've done a lot of talking, and we've refined that rule. Daddy will allow me time to process, and I will try to let him know that's what's going on so he's knows I'm not drifting away.

So it was a very not very good, bad, terrible, emotionally draining weekend, BUT, we gained new insight, and tons of new understanding and closeness. And I faced one of my deepest fears, that Daddy would see me at my worst and find me untenable. But he didn't. Daddy always said, don't make me chase you, little one, I'll only love you harder. And he did. Sometimes our worst, most fearful moments turn into the most successful trust-building exercises.

HIS POV: 
June is my greatest achievements in life, and yes, sometimes the growing and learning process can be a painful one.  This weekend taught both of us many valuable lessons to remember and use on our journey. Sometimes an HoH has to recognize when he has been wrong, and own it. I also think Ms. June learned that I will never, never stop loving her. No matter what she says or does, she has me as her biggest fan and I love her more every day.  With discipline, patience and  a dedication to not just me, not just her, but us, I think it is possible for us to reach new levels of love and communication.

A woman owned

I am a woman, born in 1960, three years before Betty Friedman penned The Feminine Mystique. This was the dawn of a movement of women away from traditional roles, inspired by the civil rights movement, and further fueled by Ms. Friedman and her contemporaries formation of NOW in 1968.





I am a woman born of a woman who seduced, used and abused the people around her. One who had a chain of men all of whom served her and were debased by her, who came away from her less than when they came to her.

I am a woman with the heart of a little girl. I am a woman who emerged from my past with a delicate grace and fragile wings. I am a woman who through some random act of cosmic kindness found a man who fills me, who loves me for who I am, exactly as I am and supports me on the breath of his love, letting me soar for the first time in my life. I am a woman who treasures her family above all else. I am a woman who finds my happiness in being shelter, peace and comfort for the ones I love. 

I am a woman who needs a strong man, one who can lead, and on whom I can depend. I am a woman who enjoys the feeling of his control. I am a woman who thrives expressing my submission in my response to his, "This is what I want you to do..." I am a woman who loves the feel of his hand in my hair, pulling my face to his, that look, that voice, low and sweet, "Who do you belong to, little girl?" I am a woman who enjoys the 'good girl' when I yield to him.

I am a woman who enjoys feeling my place, across his lap, his hands on my body, warm caressing strokes, squeezes, stinging spanks and exquisite pleasure that send me to lovely, floaty places that only he can bring me to, and hearing his voice, "Do you feel owned, little one?" And the sigh that floats in my head, like dandelion puffs, and I wonder if the words ever get formed, "Yes, Daddy, I'm yours." But somehow he knows, and he smiles, and the warmth radiates from his 'good girl, mine' through his hands and wraps me like a blanket as I'm pulled into his arms.

I am a woman out of time.

I am a woman deliriously happy.

I am a woman in love.

I am a woman owned.

(the photos in this post are reblogged from Dominant.tumblr.com, blushredtail.tumblr.com and breathingwhispers.tumblr.com)


HIS POV:  The lovely Ms. June strikes at the heart of what is real and vibrant. The gift of your unquestioning devotion.  From the way the light catches your form in the middle of the day to the way your body moves in time to the cadence of our love, I am a blessed man to know you, to share a life with you, that is gift beyond anything I have received and I wear the mantle of "Daddy" as a crown with you beside me as my queen. I love you deep and I speak to the beauty in that woman that I call mine.

Want - VS - Need - VS - Deserve

Daddy and I are both great big honking poster children for spankos. It's something that we need in our lives. But we also have DD as part of our dynamic, and I know some people do not believe that you can correct someone who enjoys being spanked with a spanking. But I'm here to tell you that it works for us. I guess that you would have to consider the three basic kinds of spankings in our relationship. There are the kind I want, the kind we need, and the kind I deserve.

Want

These are those absolutely delicious, slow, long leisurely, intimate spankings that are..... well just really sexy. There is lots of touching, and rubbing, neck kissing, back kissing, delicious whispers of what is yet in store or that shiver-inducing, brain-melting "Mine" in my ear. Good girl spankings - yum! These usually dissolve into some beautiful soul-melding love making. Who doesn't want some of that?

Need

This is a funny one, and you notice I didn't say "I" need, I said "we". Daddy always says "They won't always be the kind of spankings that you like. But they will always be the kind that you need." Sounds rather like Daddy-double-speak, doesn't it? But it's not really. These spankings are long and firm. They likely end in tears, they're designed for emotional release. The very strange thing is, while I may not enjoy them in the process, I enjoy what they bring and I am grateful that we have that.

There are times when I am stressed and like everyone else, I act out, generally by beating myself up - which is against our rules. I'm supposed to stop myself before I say something negative about myself and try to think of something positive instead. There are times I am feeling just a bit distant, for whatever reason, and I need that pulling back.

What about that "we", June? Well, there are the ones that we need, just to reaffirm our roles, to center us and remind us of who we are and what our roles are. And because our relationship is built on reciprocity, there are times when Ward is stressed, and I will offer myself to him. I'm still not sure I can explain what he gets from it, but I know that he does he benefits from it as well, not just how it affects our dynamic and interaction, but from the physical act itself. If he is in a bad place, I can lay across his lap and I know that he will feel release. And because I love him, I try to meet his needs as fully as he does mine, it pleases me to be able to give him that.

Deserve

Oh good golly, this is the only one I seek to avoid with all my might. That's not saying that I will ever resist him, if I earn it I will accept it. For us, spankings for correction are effective. There is knowing that I have disappointed him, and that is worse than anything that could happen after. And while I don't want to deserve them, if I have done something that is detrimental to our relationship, this is what allows us to clear the air. So maybe correction spankings are really a hybrid deserve/need. If I transgress, I need to surrender to his correction to release the guilt. I think it would not work without a deep emotional connection.

In all of the different types, Daddy is loving and supportive and lets me know that he is proud that I submit myself to him. That makes it easier, I thrive on making him proud.



HIS POV: 
I think June has done a great job highlighting the different forms of spanking in our relationship. June is such a good, sweet girl that we both usually have the desire and urge to share spanking in many different splendid forms. Her beautiful, sweet nature appeals to me both on a physical and intellectual level, and she makes it very easy for me to want to touch and caress, and yes spank her, on a very regular basis. 

Sometimes what we want is not the same thing as what we need.  We both try to go above and beyond in the facilitation of each other's needs.  As good as it is, life is often quite stressful and I find that lady June is my anchor and my source of inspiration in the midst of a very hectic life. 

Correction is something that does exist in our dynamic, but I would be remiss if I didn't share how wonderfully rare this is for us. She knows that I will always keep our relationship at the top of the list of my priorities, and  when it is called for I think there is something nice about being able to clear the air, learn from our mistakes and grow stronger for it!

Dancing With the One You Love - book review

  

I've said elsewhere on the blog that I - well both of us are - spiritual, though not necessarily religious. We both have a belief and a deep connection with God, we pray, we pray together. We both believe that we have a responsibility to live with honor and grace. But we're not big church goers.

Which brings me to the idea of biblical submission. The way that biblical submission was presented to me by some people that I worked with, who were fundamentalist Christians, and by the predominant religion when I moved down here, Baptist, it was not something that was appealing. Of course, I had not fully embraced my submissive nature at that point either. Once I had, and once it developed to a fuller expression, with Daddy, the idea of biblical submission still bristled me a little bit. Then I started reading....educating yourself is never a bad thing. 

Guess what? The biblical model of submission is closer to what I feel, and closer to what we have than anything else I have seen. I researched some books, and this is the first of them based on biblical submission that I have finished reading (I have more in the works, as you can see from our GoodReads). 

Cindy Easley raises some great points, that spoke to my particular beliefs, and to conversations that Ward & I have had. She talks of a 'complementarian marriage in which the husband is the leader, the wife the helper, and that although they stand equal, they have specific roles and being faithful to their roles, they empower the other in their role. She further states that if you wanted to bristle at the term 'helper' believing it to be subservient or wish to use the designation to subordinate your partner, God also refers to himself as OUR helper (Ps 30:10, Ps 54:4, Gen 2:18). That puts things in a different light, doesn't it?

She defines submission as a spirit of voluntary cooperation, and I like that a lot. I choose to follow Ward with a cooperative spirit because I trust and respect his leadership. She also has an interesting perspective about why submission works, she writes that God has hardwired our husbands to NEED our respect, and us with the need to be loved. When we willingly submit to their leadership they stand taller, feel prouder, and take the role of leader more seriously. Ward has corroborated this in many places on the blog. He says that my submission makes him want to be a better man (Not, possible, love, you are the very best man I have ever known). 

She speaks of another of my favorite concepts, humility. When we choose to humble ourselves and place ourselves under our husband's authority willingly and cheerfully we receive grace (James 4:6). When we sulk or pout, we are compromising our submission. She notes that most of our popular cultural references portray husbands as buffoons married to beautiful women, giving us no positive images of submission and headship, which she asserts can make maintaining a submissive attitude difficult. I disagree with that last part to a certain extent. I tell our boys, you have to use your own moral compass. I see those bad examples, too, and it doesn't make me think it's okay to disrespect my Ward, it makes me more mindful of how I interact with him. 

She stresses the importance of communication, and that communicating honestly and respectfully is a way to be a blessing to our husbands. Sometimes the dance if submission is difficult because we don't know where our husbands are going. We need to ask them to communicate their vision. Ward and I enjoy wonderful communication, if I don't understand, I ask. If I don't ask and he feels the question, he initiates a discussion. Either way, we don't let misunderstanding stand between us, and the simple act and care of clearing it up strengthens us and our commitment to each other. 

She speaks of Proverbs 31:10, 23. This was a favorite passage for me for a long time, since a friend who was a pastoral counselor applied that passage to me when I was going through a very difficult time. It is not something that I considered with a vanity, but something to which I aspired. The actual passage is "A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds... Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers." This is something else you have seen around our blog, I seek to bring honor to Ward, and to represent him well in our community.

One passage was particularly pertinent to me. It spoke of a Navy wife. And that my attitude toward the Navy could help or hinder Daddy in doing what he is called to do. I support him in anything he does, and I respect and support his decision to serve. He knows this, and also that I long for the day he detaches. But for me to make that the focus of our every conversation about his career inhibits him, and makes him feel conflicted. I have a responsibility to surrender my feelings, and ask him to make the best decisions for our family. 

 I found this overall to be an affirming book, with a lot of pertinent points that would bolster and support any relationship regardless of dynamic.


HIS POV:   
 I think  Ms. Easly brings up several valid points throughout the course of her book. The concept of humility as it relates to our relationship brings to light my need as the head of the household to remain humble, receptive and supportive.  My June's gift of submission and her attitude towards it have always been a source of pride and honor for me.  She really does go out of her way to please me, but more importantly her honesty and her support have often been the difference when times got hard.  Some of the affirmations of this book bring a unique perspective on the dynamic between a hoh and his lady, I think Ms. Easly uses Bible verses effectively and in a non heavy-handed way. Communication, Clarity, Humility (not humiliation) and a basic desire to want to live for each other is our way of life!

More Than Just Words

WORDS

Every now and then it occurs to me that there is high value in the words that we use to communicate. Sometimes it's finding just the words that bring comfort  or clarity in times of stress.  Sometimes it's taking the time to show someone that you are there for them.  I find that in our relationship, June and I communicate on a fluid and natural level.  I actually am learning for the first time that it's more than okay to open up and share things, even the things that are not easy to talk about.




Like a lot of guys, when there is something on my mind, I'm not exactly forthcoming... I'm sure you know what I mean, sometimes when asked what is on my mind, I give out the classic answers "Stuff"  and "nothing" ... Trouble with all those is besides the obvious, June knows my heart and knows me better even at times than I know myself,  not to mention the fact that it would create an unacceptable double standard.... We don't do distancing, it's just not allowed and I can't ask my June to do something when I am not capable of it myself.  

                                                              ACTIONS

Sometimes it's more than words though, sometimes it's about our actions. More than thought, our deeds can give our thoughts and words form, substance and in the case of discipline, teeth.  A warm hug, a shoulder to cry on, a firm but loving hand... all of these things can be very powerful tools that not only bring us comfort, but in fact prove our love and dedication to each other. I've tried to reach some of my guy friends (with limited success).  Taking the time to show our love and care for each other is one of the most beautiful ways to reaffirm and strengthen our bond, and I wouldn't miss those opportunities for the world.  Even when actions are difficult, they are worthy of our time and we always grow from them.

                                                             THOUGHTS

 I think of June so often that if I told you how many times a day she crosses my mind, you would probably laugh at me. I take pride in taking care of my lady, my lover, my best friend and my everything, sometimes I try to think of simple things that make her days brighter. I am not always the man I should be for her but I have grown so much with her and love taking care of her and spoiling her as much as I can.  I also will tell you that I am the luckiest man alive.  June takes such very good care of me, she is always there for me when I need her in every way.  She seems to know just what I need and desire and she goes out of her way to please me.  Her body and her mind sing to me and her thoughtfulness is one of the greatest gifts that I have ever received




Our words thoughts and deeds are powerful things, and can make the difference between a regular day and a marvelous one!

 Her POV
Well, it is my turn to be humbled by Daddy's words. Ward is always conscientious, present, supportive and loving.  I am working on releasing the fear. Daddy's kind, gentle, attentive manner pulls me out of that dark place, and his light suffuses those things that weigh heavy. He lightens me. It's not only words, words can be a lie. It is the way in which I know that he thinks of me, what his friends tell me he says about us. It's the things that he does, and the way that he does them, never impatient, always timely, always giving his full attention. Communication is one of the most important thing that we do. And it is not simply the things that we speak, it is the things we do and the way we treat each other, not ony to the other person, but how we present them and our relationship to the world.

What it's like....

I thought I'd spend a little time today talking about what it's like for me....





To be:

- June's Daddy
- A spanko
- A old fashioned man in a modern time







Being June's Daddy is like no other gift  that I have ever received.  Our hearts and minds are so in tune at times it's almost uncanny.  She is my support system, my inspiration and the warmth and light of comfort at the end of long and wearisome days.   I support her, guide her, give her the support, love, respect, discipline and attention that she needs to thrive in the warmth of our love.











When our relationship began Ms. June and I spent a lot time discussing and comparing notes on life, spanking lifestyles and many other things. As time went on it was very clear that we shared something that is rare, profound and timeless.  Indeed, being her daddy, her man, her best friend has brought out the best in me and made me a better man





Being a spanko is like....  A cold drink on a hot day, soft music, making love on a rainy day, dancing beneath a full moon... it's amazing...

It has also come to our attention that perhaps we aren't like some DD couples. In addition to using spanking for discipline and correction (June really is a very good girl) [Thank you, Daddy :)]  We also love spanking for any of a bunch of other reasons.  In addition to being a great stress reliever,  it hones our libidos, and generally connects us at a very close and special level.  I think it's also advantageous for us on a one to one basis because both of us are true blue spankos and came this way, nobody got converted so to speak, it was 100% natural and that's how we love it.

Being Old Fashioned is a bit like:



Being a gentleman.  I try to carry myself like a gentleman, just how my mother and father raised me.  It kind of stands out in stark contrast to what the media portrays as the quintessential modern man - you know the clueless buffoon that is more childish than his children... I try to be a man that Ms. June can be proud of... She deserves the best I can give her and I try to carry myself that way. 






It's a beautiful thing to share this relationship...this life with a wonderful lady like mine.  I bid you all a great weekend!

Her POV:

We talked endlessly, and easily, and openly, like I have never talked with anyone else before. And it was unassuming. We had no expectations. Ward had a little trick that served as both a conversation starter and a deflection technique, lol - "random question", but it helped us to learn all manner of things about each other.

He is charming and very much old-fashioned and courtly. He is a breath of fresh air. He possess a strength of character that is quite uncommon, and extraordinarily attractive. He is absolutely magnetic.

I have always, because of my life till Ward, been cards to my chest, but he reads me well, things that I think I conceal and no one has ever understood, he sees and understands and responds in ways that make me open and fold myself into him.

I am indeed proud of my man. I am proud of who he is. I am proud to belong to him. I am proud of who we are together. I am proud of the kind of family we are building for our children. He is yummy :)

Spanking and humiliation

I see a lot on a lot of different blogs about feelings of humiliation from being spanked. The only ones who have said they don't feel humiliated were Kitty and Conina and faerie (thank you, Conina:) ). I wonder how much of that has to do with their particular dynamics, which are more on the kinky side, than the DD side, and in fact they don't have a discipline dynamic.

Daddy and I do have discipline as part of our dynamic. As I said in a previous post, we're a little bit of this and a little bit of that. We are spankos, through and through. We enjoy spanking for fun. But we also use it for discipline (stress relief, role reinforcement, testing submission). And when necessary, yes, for correction.

Let's talk about what humiliation is. By definition: hu·mil·i·ate (hy -m l - t ). tr.v.  To lower the pride, dignity, or self-respect of. Daddy and I do not enjoy humiliation/objectification in any form. It is not Daddy's aim to undermine my self-image, or my concept of my place in our relationship. I am his. He supports me, guides me, holds me in his hands, elevates me and teaches me to love myself.





With spanking for play. it's all about the good pain. It's all about that intoxicating feeling of control, of being in the palm of his hand, of being breathless and floaty and exquisitely happy. It is a feeling of complete and utter joy.






When it's for discipline, all of those same things, and add the emotional release that comes from complete and total surrender, from putting my needs in his hands and knowing that he will make everything alright. It is about him taking those feelings of inadequacy and fear and stripping them away, leaving me raw, and planting the seeds...I am his. He loves me. It is a feeling of release, relief, and renewal.





When it is for correction, I guess that is where it could well be humiliating. I guess this is the part of our dynamic that is closest to the DD dynamic. I have seen it written that it is humiliating to feel like a child. But he is my Dominant, my leader, my Daddy. it is his right - his duty really - to enforce the rules of our partnership. I have surrendered this to him, and in so doing I acknowledge his right. I am not going to say that it is not humbling, it is, but not humiliating. Perhaps this is the way that Ward handles correction.

We talk about nothing, just feel our connection. I get to see that no matter what I may have done, he still loves me. Then we discuss what went wrong and how we are going to go about clearing the air and restoring equilibrium. He doesn't denigrate me. He tells me that I'm still his good girl, just my actions were bad, but we're taking care of it. He tells me he is proud of me for accepting the correction. When it's over, it's over. We move past it, with a clean slate. He is extra nurturing. It is transformative in a positive way. I am never diminished. It is a feeling of releasing guilt, absolution, cleansing.

In all parts of our dynamic spanking is a feeling of deep connection and trust, it is a reaffirmation of our commitment each to the other. In all parts of our dynamic, I am honored to be his, and pleased that he leads and allows me to express my submission to him in the many forms that our flavor allows. I'm one lucky girl.

HIS POV:

I am truley and magnificently blessed to call  Ms. June my own, and I would echo much of what she has said.  I try to be a uplifting influence in her life and I would never...ever try to reduce her or humiliate her... June is my greatest blessing in life and to see  her shine brightest I would use my life and energies to see her elevated to happiness and true satisfaction.  Through Love, Discipline, and erotic intrigue, humiliation has no place for us, dedication, patience, love, and kindness are what we delight in!