June's Journey and What Spanking Means to Her

You've seen in some previous posts that Daddy will often give me submission exercises to help me feel my place, to expand and understand my submission. These can be physical tasks, or they can be to investigate starting a blog, or to write an essay. Recently he texted me from work and instructed me to write an essay detailing how I feel about spanking, what it feels like, what it does for me and what it means to me.

What emerged was something of my road-map to our dynamic, my road-map home. I asked Daddy if I could share this here.

         

We've talked about how I came into being a spanko before. I just came this way. From my earliest memories, I was fascinated by it, read and cut out all the Dear Abby & Anne Landers posts about it (I can still remember one of them by heart - how weird is that?). As a young adult, I sought stories about spanking. No Internet then, so harder to find people to connect with, or articles, forums - anything where I could have discovered more about myself and my desires. 

Then came the Internet and access to videos - and really? - . Not those crazy contrived scenes, naughty school girls,  or really heavy BDSM  There was a small percentage of them that appealed to me, and most of them had to do with discipline. And not those crazy guys who bill themselves as disciplinarians, bringing all the recalcitrant girls of the world to toe. And not the ones where girls bratted to get spanked, being deliberately disrespectful and defiant - shudders. The ones that appealed to me were the ones that addressed discipline within a relationship, where there was calmness and talking, not anger and yelling and cruel words.

When my ex left and I decided to go in search of what I wanted - needed - I had come to a basic understanding about what spanking did for my emotional state. You already know that I tend to assume responsibility for everything that goes wrong.... hence our newest rule. But I discovered that for me spanking was a way to take that intensity of emotion that I felt pretty regularly, all the stress, all the feelings of having wronged, anxiety, all those negative things, that pain inside and allowed me to transfer it to flesh and - poof - magic. I didn't know yet about DD/TTWD. Where did one go looking for someone willing to spank them?

So I started in the place I thought was the only place to start, with various BDSM 'dating' sites. Everyone just looking for a hook-up & I'm not a hook-up kinda girl. Then I found some spanking dating sites, and pretty much more of the same - I'm  going through your town, can I stop by and spank you? Excuse me? But ummmmm, NO! Then I found Fetlife, not quite as creepy, more like a social network. I found a local group and found someone I could engage with, and do a little exploring, with lots and lots of limits, and it being somewhat of a learning experience, but missing the spiritual component. It gave me some of what I was looking for, but it did not feed my soul. I found some groups with people that I could identify with, and learn more about myself and my desire to submit. I found a mentor, a very nice gentleman, who had a girl, but was willing to answer my questions, and help me understand what and who I was, and to redirect me when people tried to tell me that I was something different.

That niche from the videos, and stories -where could I find that? I kept seeking, and following leads off Fetlife, and came across the concept of DD. There was that thing that I was looking for. There were some factions that were just not for me, I'm not into the whole regimented, formulaic mode, I wanted something organic, something as easy as breathing. There I found another mentor, a woman who identified as a little, and who told me that just because I was submissive didn't mean I had to be an open book for everyone, but only for my one, when I found someone worthy of me. Worthy of me? What a foreign concept.

Then I found you, because the cosmos aligned and because I believe in an attitude of gratitude. I thought you were taken, but you weren't. And all the while I thought you were too good to be true, and certainly too good for the likes of me. And here we are. And you are perfect for me...my puzzle piece. And for the first time, everything is as it always should have been, different than I have ever known, and what I have always dreamed of. You asked me to write what spanking feels like to me, what it does for me, what I think about it. But I had to tell you all of that first, and if you didn't know, if by some chance I have not communicated well enough what you mean to me - you're very different, you're what I have waited for all my life. And everything with you is like nothing ever before. With you I have the spiritual depth that I craved. The first time we spoke, your voice was a key that reached deep down into my belly, into some visceral place that no one ever imagined  and I felt the first turn of the key in what would be the release of my truest self. You gave me the gift of being who I was meant to be.

So for us, it is something deep that we share. For me, spanking is a very deep expression of my submission to you. It is my saying that I trust you with my body, but also with my heart, my mind, my emotions. It is saying that I trust you to understand what I need, and to be diligent in giving it,even if it might be hard, even if you might be tired. I trust that you will put us ahead of everything else, to clear away the barriers, and to ensure that we both feel our places.  I do feel safe in your hands. I feel loved and treasured that you would take the time to give me relief, take the time to establish our roles and allow me to feel soft and submitted, value us enough to clear the air of resentment and petulance and give us the gift of a clean slate, or just engage in this most intimate of acts with me. I feel honored in your acceptance of my humility, and that you lift me and show me that in your eyes, this makes me radiant and beautiful.

In terms of my submission, I don't fear any implement, they are only extensions of the hand of my love. I  lay willingly across your lap, or at your side, and even if I have transgressed, your touch is soft and full of love, your words are soft, sweet, affirming, comforting, and I would take anything that you choose to give me. I relish those little moments of intensity when I feel I might crack, and am able to breathe out that resistance and offer that to you.  I relish that you will feel that intensity, and choose that moment to extend your hand and whisper - Daddy's right here, love, here's my hand - or stop to rub and stroke my bottom, my back, my hair, to stop and speak soft words, to encourage me and speak of your love and pride.

In terms of the physicality, does it hurt? Yes, it does. It's deep stripped-down, nitty-gritty, pain, but it is pure and it is purifying, and I can offer that to you. I love you enough to bear any pain...you know that, and that knowledge is enough. Under the pain, there is the luxury of that deepest of connections. There are the moments, even in the midst of correction that speak to love, devotion, unconditionality, and forgiveness. In discipline, I feel the safety of your Dominance and control, I feel the security of my place, I feel your guardianship, I feel the pleasure that only you can bring. The pleasure is you inside my head, I feel us, pure energy, it's intoxicating and I want more. 

In terms of my emotions, I still believe it takes conflicts and anxieties inside of me and delivers them to flesh where they evaporate. It is a cleansing of all that does not belong inside me, or between us. It is the tool by which we become closer, share more, and by which I become the strongest, best person that I can be.

For us, spanking is part of the thing that defines and continues to refine us. For us it is devotion - your Dominance is your devotion unto me, and my submission is my devotion unto you. For us it is our sacrament.


HIS POV: 

As perfectly stated above, spanking is an engrained and analogous part of our DD/TTWD as well as our life as a fully functioning and communicative couple with a deeply intense bond that is further enhanced by something that is truly, uniquely and totally ours.  June and I both had the unique advantage of having not only a deep understanding and need of dominance, submission and spanking, but also a thirst to affect each other in the deepest and most heartfelt ways.

Spanking itself is a many splendored thing that even now after all of the exploration that June and I have done continues to delight and find new relevance and true comfort in the face of the chaotic world around us. Spanking unlocks June's submission and reveals the tenderest thoughts, brings emotion to surface and purifies both of our hearts.

June m'lady, I am humbled to call you mine and it is a true pleasure to be the facilitator of pleasure, pain, passion and growth in our relationship. I relish the gifts of submission and control that you honor and entrust me with. It is a true honor and the deepest of pleasures to fulfill your desires and needs... Even in correction you know my deepest love and affection. When given in pleasure my body  sings to yours and yours echos pleasure in the deepest.... it is a beauty that I've never known and don't deserve. I will guard your heart and plumb the depths of our love and because of this... this beauty within us, we will grow ever stronger in love and life.

Submission (From a Dominant's Point of View)

 Submission is the sweet intoxicating liquor that pours from her vessel.  It cannot be bought, it cannot be forcibly taken, it is not a right.  I must earn it every day of our life together. She bows before me in polite deference and I know in my heart I am not worthy of this deepest display of love and devotion.  Everyday even the hard days she shows me such effort, so much grace and dignity... she never fails to make every waking moment sweet and momentous in it's brightness and fluidity.  These are not mere words from a mere man who merely loves his woman. I am Dominant, I am proud and as fierce and wild as the wind and the sea... and so is my love for her, unstoppable and undaunted lasting long before and long after we are stripped from this mortal coil. I offer her my heart and she offers me her heart. All for all, each matching the other's heart in perfect reciprocity.








It's more than merely being  her HoH it's more than just telling her what to do or expecting things done a certain way at a certain time.  It's the sweet, soft voice and the warm comfort in her sparkling eyes that she saves just for me.  The level of interaction, the level of devotion, the level of dominance and submission would not be possible if we were with other people or if we did not have the level of vigilance and dedication to each other and the mutual cause of our relationship. 





 The depth of her willing submission to me is like the unsung treasures of old... like King Solomon's mines, like the hoard of Midas. Sweeter than the finest wine, amber like honey and bracing like the finest spirited tonic...



She is mine to love, mine to guide, mine to discipline... she is mine and in acknowledging this, I also acknowledge that I am hers  I am hers to support, her to love, hers to look to, hers to obey... She is my truest inspiration my truest vine and my support network.






Submission lifts a dominant man's spirit and gives him a candle unto the darkness of the world
Submission defers and the truth and light of D/s shines in a cold world. We the chosen few, we shine bright and the difference is visible even in the simple act of walking through Target hand in hand.
Submission feeds my dominance, and assuages my thirst for the wild, physical love that my soul has for this magnificent woman.  Submission and Dominance go hand in hand and in our quest for something greater than common we have found that this particular flavor, our brand of TTWD/DD gives us not just leadership and followership, but a way forward, clear direction and a desire for both of us to be better as a couple as well as being a better man and a better woman..

Her submission is mine  to guard and protect,  she is my flower and I would never deliberately abuse my privileges as her Dominant or HoH. She deserves my best and in giving her my dominance I see that I feed her and give her submission it's due. It is my truest treasure and one that I will savor with a fierce love and protection all the days that follow.

Her POV

 My Daddy honors me with his love. I have never been loved as fully and without condition as he loves me. I draw my strength from him. His Dominance, in the many subtle ways he expresses it, from the simple request for a glass of water, or a piece of pie, or to put the laundry aside....they fill me with warmth, it's intoxicating, spreads through my veins - it fills me with pleasure, makes me feel soft,  makes me smile that small satisfied smile that I can serve him in those ways.

His touch, draws me to him, makes me want to please him, bids my deference, my obedience, fills me to overflowing with the desire to blanket him with my love. His kiss on my forehead, and I am wrapped in love so fierce and pure and awed - eyes lower but he pulls them back to his - and I melt into this man who is my sun, my center. Lips on my neck, I bare my throat to him, my trust, my submission, my love, my essence...I belong to him....I thrive.

In the world, he anchors me, centers me, I hold his hand and revel in being his. I revel in the quietness of our love, I revel in his soft voice, and am pleased to give him my "Yes, Daddy" and the smile that tells me that I have pleased him.

 To serve him is my pleasure and my honor. It's as simple as greeting him at the door, a refreshment ready, my attention to his presence. It's as complex as laying my heart and soul bare to him, or offering my body for his pleasure, which make no mistake is my deepest pleasure. He is my man. He is my Daddy. He is my Dominant. He is my lover. I am his submissive woman....and there is nothing better than that. I love you, Daddy.

Seeking Perfection

I have a friend (do you, June, do you really? - yes I really do) - a DD friend. She says sometimes that she feels inferior. I tell her that she shouldn't everyone has their own path, that Ward and I started our relationship this way, not like her and her Daddy who changed after 14 years of marriage, and that I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I am just blessed with a strong Daddy, who is capable of handling my imperfections, and loving me still more and deeper when we come out on the other side. So, I thought I should share a tale that shows just how very human I am.

Daddy and I had a rough weekend.I've only been corrected twice in our time together. I was corrected twice this weekend. The first time for distancing....*head shaking* oh, June, not again...yes, again - sigh - it's a process....yes it is my greatest struggle. And because this is not the first time, Ward wanted to make a point, and he did...strenuously.






Yesterday, Daddy said something that struck that both feet down, brakes in the dirt kind of reaction.So thinking back to the Saturday, I thought, okay, no hesitation, immediate response, and I bypassed my filters, crossed my arms, put my nose in the air and said 'Fine!' (I see you all cringing...I did too, but I was going for broke here...it was a test of the Unfiltered Broadcast System which apparently is in no way connected to any system of survival...you see where this is going right?) Daddy said, "When a lady says fine it is most certainly anything but."






Just a little background. Because of my background, I have a fear that one day he will wake up and see 'the real me' the one that seems so easy to walk away from, that there is something inside of me that surfaces at some point, less than the sum of who I am. So, snarky June (yes, June can be snarky - sighs ashamedly) said, "Well, you may as well see the real me." And Daddy replied, "Perhaps I should see the real you, but be prepared for a real reaction." I was, I knew what would happen, I certainly didn't expect him to back down from disrespect because of hurt feelings or anything. Believe it or not, I knew exactly what I was doing (just maybe not why in that moment) and I knew exactly what he would do. He did not disappoint.


Many spanks, many implements, and some baby oil later, a very emotionally rung out little girl lay in her Daddy's arms. I apologized for my disrespect, I told him that I expected no less than what had happened, and that it wasn't the real me...but it was the unfiltered me. I am not always immediately the sweet, sunny June. It takes work. I have to suppress all kinds of....unworthy emotions sometimes. I explained that I may sometimes hesitate, or pull back just a little, but it's not trying to shut him out, it's me trying to process, running a gut check, and running knee jerk responses through my filters trying to be his good girl.

Daddy said he understood that and he owed me an apology for spanking me the day before. I said he didn't, I needed it anyway. He said he did owe me an apology, while I did need it, it was not for the reason it was given. I don't think it was unjust, and I don't think it was unfair. I broke one of our fundamental rules in the way it was established and defined. We've done a lot of talking, and we've refined that rule. Daddy will allow me time to process, and I will try to let him know that's what's going on so he's knows I'm not drifting away.

So it was a very not very good, bad, terrible, emotionally draining weekend, BUT, we gained new insight, and tons of new understanding and closeness. And I faced one of my deepest fears, that Daddy would see me at my worst and find me untenable. But he didn't. Daddy always said, don't make me chase you, little one, I'll only love you harder. And he did. Sometimes our worst, most fearful moments turn into the most successful trust-building exercises.

HIS POV: 
June is my greatest achievements in life, and yes, sometimes the growing and learning process can be a painful one.  This weekend taught both of us many valuable lessons to remember and use on our journey. Sometimes an HoH has to recognize when he has been wrong, and own it. I also think Ms. June learned that I will never, never stop loving her. No matter what she says or does, she has me as her biggest fan and I love her more every day.  With discipline, patience and  a dedication to not just me, not just her, but us, I think it is possible for us to reach new levels of love and communication.

Want - VS - Need - VS - Deserve

Daddy and I are both great big honking poster children for spankos. It's something that we need in our lives. But we also have DD as part of our dynamic, and I know some people do not believe that you can correct someone who enjoys being spanked with a spanking. But I'm here to tell you that it works for us. I guess that you would have to consider the three basic kinds of spankings in our relationship. There are the kind I want, the kind we need, and the kind I deserve.

Want

These are those absolutely delicious, slow, long leisurely, intimate spankings that are..... well just really sexy. There is lots of touching, and rubbing, neck kissing, back kissing, delicious whispers of what is yet in store or that shiver-inducing, brain-melting "Mine" in my ear. Good girl spankings - yum! These usually dissolve into some beautiful soul-melding love making. Who doesn't want some of that?

Need

This is a funny one, and you notice I didn't say "I" need, I said "we". Daddy always says "They won't always be the kind of spankings that you like. But they will always be the kind that you need." Sounds rather like Daddy-double-speak, doesn't it? But it's not really. These spankings are long and firm. They likely end in tears, they're designed for emotional release. The very strange thing is, while I may not enjoy them in the process, I enjoy what they bring and I am grateful that we have that.

There are times when I am stressed and like everyone else, I act out, generally by beating myself up - which is against our rules. I'm supposed to stop myself before I say something negative about myself and try to think of something positive instead. There are times I am feeling just a bit distant, for whatever reason, and I need that pulling back.

What about that "we", June? Well, there are the ones that we need, just to reaffirm our roles, to center us and remind us of who we are and what our roles are. And because our relationship is built on reciprocity, there are times when Ward is stressed, and I will offer myself to him. I'm still not sure I can explain what he gets from it, but I know that he does he benefits from it as well, not just how it affects our dynamic and interaction, but from the physical act itself. If he is in a bad place, I can lay across his lap and I know that he will feel release. And because I love him, I try to meet his needs as fully as he does mine, it pleases me to be able to give him that.

Deserve

Oh good golly, this is the only one I seek to avoid with all my might. That's not saying that I will ever resist him, if I earn it I will accept it. For us, spankings for correction are effective. There is knowing that I have disappointed him, and that is worse than anything that could happen after. And while I don't want to deserve them, if I have done something that is detrimental to our relationship, this is what allows us to clear the air. So maybe correction spankings are really a hybrid deserve/need. If I transgress, I need to surrender to his correction to release the guilt. I think it would not work without a deep emotional connection.

In all of the different types, Daddy is loving and supportive and lets me know that he is proud that I submit myself to him. That makes it easier, I thrive on making him proud.



HIS POV: 
I think June has done a great job highlighting the different forms of spanking in our relationship. June is such a good, sweet girl that we both usually have the desire and urge to share spanking in many different splendid forms. Her beautiful, sweet nature appeals to me both on a physical and intellectual level, and she makes it very easy for me to want to touch and caress, and yes spank her, on a very regular basis. 

Sometimes what we want is not the same thing as what we need.  We both try to go above and beyond in the facilitation of each other's needs.  As good as it is, life is often quite stressful and I find that lady June is my anchor and my source of inspiration in the midst of a very hectic life. 

Correction is something that does exist in our dynamic, but I would be remiss if I didn't share how wonderfully rare this is for us. She knows that I will always keep our relationship at the top of the list of my priorities, and  when it is called for I think there is something nice about being able to clear the air, learn from our mistakes and grow stronger for it!

Being Daddy's little girl

So we know how Ward became Daddy. He said when he came back he wanted post about his experience of being Daddy, and we in fact talked about that the other evening. This is about what it feels like being little, what it feels like being his little girl.

He is my everything. He is every prayer I ever uttered answered, and every dream I never dared. He is my best friend. He is my leader. He is my man. He is my hero. He is my lover. He is my guide. He is my heart. He is m'anumchara. He is my King. He is every good thing that ever is or will be in one word - Daddy.

I've spoken briefly here and there about us having a D/lg dynamic in our mix. And we've established that we are not age-play. When we are intimate, I am not a little girl. I am all woman (just ask Ward, lol). I don't dress in frilly clothes, there are no hair bows, pacifiers, diapers. When Daddy spanks, he spanks his partner, not an errant child, though my childlike side often reacts if I feel I have wronged him, or been less than I want to be for him. It is not something we step into and step out of for play or for short periods of time.

Those are a bunch of things it's not. So what is it? It is who we are every moment of every day. It's loving sparkly, shiny, jingly things, and having Daddy indulge that, admiring the things that catch my eye. It's his being tickled when I am distractable. It's enjoying blowing bubbles and water gun fights and tickle fights. It's about never hearing "Oh, grow up!"





It's about sharing the joy of those simple things. It's giggling with abandon, and his chuckle further fueling my giggle. It's eating with your fingers and feeding Daddy with your fingers, and him licking you clean. It's being scared or sad and having arms wrapped around you and never hearing, "You're being ridiculous", but hearing, "It's all right, darling, Daddy's here." It's about Daddy listening to your broken heart and fixing the things that are wrong.



It's about being me, perfectly imperfect just me, and being loved unconditionally. It's about Daddy looking into my heart and showing me how beautiful I am, over and over again, even when I resist that idea. It's about him showing me that even when I make a mistake, I am loved, and I am good, just my actions are sometimes in error.






It is the freedom to be exactly who I am, never holding back any small part of myself, completely laid bare, completely vulnerable and unvarnished before him, and being protected and treasured and safe.

The Power of Words

My last post was about power exchange. And it was kind of funny that the comments were a bit reticent. That brought me back to a thought that I think quite a bit...the power of words.




When I first started exploring I was loathe to use the word submissive. It was scary, the connotation of the word, to someone raised in the kind of environment I was. I was subjugated regularly, by people who were supposed to care about me. I came from a time and in a society where Gloria Steinem talked about dissolving sex-roles stereotypes, and Helen Reddy sang about not being kept down on the floor.




Well, I'm not the fist raised kind of girl. I was very content to use my easy-bake oven and a Betty Crocker cookbook I got for my 8th birthday. It's not that I don't believe in equality for all people - I do - regardless of sex, color, sexual orientation or lifestyle kink. But don't tell me that I'm wrong because I'm comfortable cooking and cleaning and nesting. When you give someone a freedom, it should really include a judgement-free freedom of choice.





But I digress...I grew with a head-full of images and some kind of perverse aversion to the idea of submission. When I started exploring my core, what I wanted needed and desired, I struggled with the idea of submission. That word...but the reality, and the feeling are very much different. And the word became not something to fear, and not a label, but a way to express a very deep dimension of my soul.

Then I was confronted with the word slave. Oh good Lord are we serious? What a negative connotation does that have? But ask me now, I am Ward's little girl, but there is nothing that I would deny him. There is nothing I would not do for him. There is no limit to what I would do for him, out of trust and love and because he would never diminish me. He lifts me up. He honors me. I honor him.

One I still struggle with is masochist....Hello, my name is June and I am a spanko. Ward and I enjoy spanking as play, as an assertion of his dominance, and an acknowledgement of my submission, what some might call maintenance. We also use it for discipline. I dislike labels - we are a lovely mix of different dynamics. I feel like Donny and Marie - we're a little bit DD. a little bit D/s, a little bit spanko. We are us. I like us quite a lot.

I am a spanko, I do indeed crave pain sometimes. I know that when I feel I have done something that is detrimental to us, I need his absolution. I need the purging. When I am stressed, the pain takes the unbearable emotional pain, transfers it to flesh and poof...does that make me a masochist? That word still holds power over me.

When I heard about Daddies and babygirls, I thought, especially in light of the sexually abusive childhood I had that that was just not me, that was sick. I had the impression that many have, it's about age-play, incest-play. And that's not it at all, not for us. Certainly there is an age-play fetish, that is scene-dependant. It's something you put on and take off. We are who we are to the depths of our souls, it is 24/7, it is fluid. Sometimes I am little me, sometimes I am big me - but that's a chat for another post. Having a Daddy and being his little girl doesn't frighten me anymore.

There are some in the DD world that would deny that they are in a D/s relationship. But when one party takes a leadership role and another follows, it is a Dominant/submissive relationship. And Daddy and I, being who and what we are think most must like/want/need/desire spanking even if they don't want to admit it.Which brings us back to power exchange. Another scary concept. Wikipedia defines a power exchange relationship as "refers to a relationship or activity in which the submissive gives to the dominant partner power and authority over the submissive's body in exchange for the submissive's happiness and health".

Well, that's kinda of what we all do, whether we're DD, D/s, D/lg, M/s, isn't it? So I'm kind of curious as to what image the term evoked for the commenters on the Power exchange post. Is that a term or a concept that you found jarring or scary? Are there words or terms that you have trouble embracing, but keep coming back to you?

How Ward became Daddy

Ward and I had been talking for several months. It was after the deployment I spoke of in the last post. And honestly we were still 'friends' (who talked several hours every day...yeah, yeah, I'm a lil slow) and before we were Ward and June.

We had actually talked about littles. A friend had told me that I had a little, that she saw it. And I immediately rejected that concept. To me that was like a mark of mental illness, I immediately thought DID (dissociative identity disorder). Ward and I talked about it, and he assured me that he didn't see anything alarming in who I was, and did see some childlike qualities. I talked to my therapist about it, and called it my little piece of arrested development. She said she thought it was just a very vulnerable piece of me that I had never trusted anyone with. Well that felt better.

I had talked to Ward about it and he said that seemed a logical conclusion, especially in light of my childhood. So I started researching littles. And It seemed at first that it was all about ageplay and incest play, and that was a big no-no with my childhood. Ward and I talked about that, too. He agreed that he was not interested in ageplay. And it just kind of settled. I still researched, like I do with many things I need to understand. But neither of us considered it a factor in our .... friendship.

One night, we were talking and I had had a particularly stressful day, and he said something very comforting and Ward-like. And I started crying. Ward said, "If I were with you right now, this is where I would take you in my arms, kiss away your tears, calm your heart, tuck you into bed and tell you a fairy tale, especially for you." And even though  he was not there in that exact moment, I felt cradled, and comforted, and I said, without a thought, "Kinda story, Daddy? With princesses and magick?" And he said, "Yes, love, with a very special little princess, and magick and faeries. Hush now and listen."

And he wove me the most wondrous story, off the top of his head, that lulled me, soothed me and gave me the most delicious brain tickles. It wasn't strange, and it wasn't icky, and it felt extraordinarily good. It was organic, and kind of symbolic of our relationship, very amoebic, we stretch to encompass, consume and satisfy the needs of the other.

He says that I awoke a part of him that he thought was gone forever. And with him I can be that which I have never been able to be, small, vulnerable, trusting and unbetrayed and totally genuine.

And now I'm crying.... I love you, Daddy, and I miss you so.

Yielding

I was talking to a friend who is new to the DD lifestyle. And she was talking about difficulties and conditional obedience. And I responded that submission it is not a gate, opening & closing, it is a bending, a yielding, there is gentleness and grace implied. When I said it, I got this amazing image in my head.

Firstly, lets talk about the word,  I've said it before, submission conjures up negative images for lots of people. And help me out here guys, someone recently made a post about "What's wrong with the word submission?" but I can't find it to link it.

For many the word submission and the concept of D/s conjures up images like this. Words have an incredible power. Words are often misunderstood.

I have said before that I have gone beyond submission to Daddy, I have surrendered to him. I kind of like that better. But the word I am growing enamored of is yielding. I yield to Daddy. What amazingly beautiful images that conjures!  We bend without breaking. This shows the inherent strength in submission, in the act of yielding. We retain our integrity and we are stretched and made stronger.

Then I thought that most of us know a passion that is uncommon in this world. We burn for our partners. We need to see them, touch them, feel them. We need to yield to them. The dance is intricate and the rewards are... indescribable. We wrap ourselves around each other. We 'fit' like very few others. Our movements are in concert with our partner. There is an almost exquisite coordination.

Yes, we bend. Yes, we yield. Yes, we may make sacrifices that other women are not willing to make, or cannot even conceive of making. But we do not bend without support. We do not expose our vulnerability without being covered by a love so great that it makes the heart ache. We are supported. We are protected. We are valued. We are cherished. We are made beautiful. We receive a gift of grace. We experience a profound unity.

I would not trade being Ward's June, Daddy's little girl for anything in this world. 

Come home soon, Daddy. I love you big and I miss you profoundly.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 15

Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

We went from just D/s to the level of trust that allowed him to become Daddy, my absolute authority. I know I've said it before, we're not age-play. And that is hard to explain. For us it is an outward expression of the absolute devotion, care, respect,and trust that exists between us. It lets us interact at times on a more innocent, playful, magical level, seeing wonder in glitter, and rainstorms, and leaves and snowball fights. There are no bottles, diapers, frilly dresses, or pacifiers. There is no sexually intimate activity when we are in that space. There are lots of hugs, cuddles, squeezes, kisses and - YUM - forehead  kisses - sigh.

Then more or less as an extension of that trust it evolved from simple submission to total surrender. I trust him with my life, my mind, my heart, my body and soul. There is not a single thing I would refuse, because he fills me and lifts me up. He sees me as good, and he makes it so that I can begin to see myself in the same way.

I don't know how it could change. I perceive it as complete. I can see it becoming richer. I can see our connection deepening.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 14

Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

 Religion is not the basis for my submission. I was always put off by the concept of religious submission because the only example I had was contact with members a fundamental religious group. The men I knew were arrogant and domineering. My viewpoint was incredibly slanted because of this experience.

My submission is inherent, it is just my nature, I am service oriented, and defer. However with Daddy, I am completely surrendered. There is an incredibly high level of trust and respect. I want to give him everything. I need to give him everything. I pour myself out on him and he fills me back up.

I've been reading books on submission, because I am an avid researcher, I love to learn, especially when the subject is important to me. There's not many factual books on submission, mostly erotica, but I did find a few. And a couple of those are based on biblical submission. And that model seems to fit Daddy & I very well. It is pretty well how we work, throw in the DD component, and the Daddy/little girl dynamic. That pretty well surprised me, how similar we were to that model.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 10

Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

Well now that's a question. I dunno. When I started exploring things, that's the place I started exploring. There are things that I am curious about, but would never had done with anyone, and thought were hard limits. Like, having my hands immobilized - say in Daddy's hands, or rope.I never trusted anyone enough. The idea of having Daddy do those things is very seductive. Another thing - I saw lots of pictures with men's hands on women's throats, that was another big no-no, but it's something I told Daddy not long before he was deployed, that I would not mind if he tried.

Other than the things above that I would like to try, and in the practice of our lives - I guess more of the D/s, part, but I don't necessarily see that as exclusively BDSM. I see it as an independent element that many lifestyles have in common. That being said, my submission to Ward is not just in scene, not just in the bedroom, it is in every thing we do. Again, spanking is not exclusively BDSM, but also an independent element that is D/s, but can belong in D/lg, BDSM, DD - all across the alternative spectrum.

BDSM is certainly not the core of my submission. I don't submit solely for sensation play, I submit to his leadership. And as I said somewhere before on this blog - if I had to put the core of my submission somewhere, it would have to be more based on the biblical model of submission.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 8

Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

Yes, Daddy and I have talked about this, and we're not sure how you can have this kind of relationship without having a correction dynamic. If he is my authority he has to have some way to make corrections. Yes, we're both huge spankos. Yes spanking is still an effective consequence.

Correction is much different than either maintenance/reassurance/stress relief (which have all the nice fuzzies, gentle strokes, words, kisses), and good-girls. I've only been corrected once. It started for me as soon as Daddy expressed displeasure. I was immediately remorseful, because I dislike disappointing him. That put me in the frame to accept correction, to actually need it to feel like the air between us is cleared.

The common thread in all the different kinds of spanking is that it allows me to express and to feel my submission to him. And it allows him to express and to feel his Dominance. It makes me feel safe, secure, loved, and grounded.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 1

I found this journaling exercise, and decided to work this on the blog. Both because I think it will be an interesting examination of my submission, and can maybe deepen over this deployment, and also to help me when I can't motivate my brain to do anything cause I miss Ward so much I want to lay on the floor, stare into the rain like a turkey and...well....if you know turkeys, you know what I mean.

Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

I don't really like labels. They are confining. I've also said on a couple of responses on others' blogs that they kind of make me feel we are out in left field somewhere.  There are lots of aspects to our relationship. Daddy is a Dominant. I am a submissive, so yes we are in a D/s relationship. He is Daddy, and I am his little girl. So we are D/lg. We incorporate discipline and correction into our dynamic, so we are DD. Daddy is the absolute authority, and makes all final decisions, controls the finances etc, so we are a '50s-style household.

We are not Taken-in-Hand, that implies a more assertive  non-Dominant partner. We're not M/s, though I have moved beyond submission to Daddy. There is nothing I would refuse him. But both of us dislike the term slave because of the negative connotations to us personally, though we do not judge anyone else to whom that dynamic speaks.

In all actuality, we dislike labels, because we are a lot of things, but we are mostly just ourselves, and it fits us and it feels good.

Affirmations

I had a really bad day yesterday. It started off okay. Then I read something that took me back to a very bad place in my life, to the place I talked about in a previous post about abuse. I was full out little, totally regressed to my 6-year-old self. And a really strange thing happened - the thing I read made me afraid of someone - a friend's Daddy, and I didn't know why. I didn't really understand what I was feeling, I just knew I was feeling it.

Then came that magic time of the day, and talking to Daddy. Daddy is seamless, he saw little me, and he went full out Daddy. He asked why I was afraid of my friend's Daddy. I said I didn't know, but what if he didn't like me and then didn't want my friend to be my friend any more, cause I was bad or weird or _____ (fill in the blank). Daddy said, anyone who knows me knows I am a good girl. Any one who knows me knows I am a respectful girl. And that is why I am his girl. Yup....he made it all better.


I talked to another "little" friend this morning and told her some of the lovely things Daddy had said. And I told her I had actually cried over the things that had happened so long ago - I never had cried about them before. And I guess that was because for the first time I felt safe. For the first time I knew someone would catch me when I fell....because surely I would fall. She said she was jealous of the affirmations Daddy gives me. So I asked  if she could tell her Daddy that that was important to her. And she thought that was something she could try to do.

 
Then I thought a few moments, and sent another text. I told her not to forget that Daddies (Tops/Doms/Masters) need affirmations, too. I tell Daddy all the time, how important he is to me, how much I love him, that he is my hero. I tell him how he helps me. I thank him....for everything...he does so much for me. When he knows things are important to me, he goes out of his way to do them. It delights me, I thank him.






I think he is devastatingly handsome. Sometimes I'll see a picture and smile and my heart will flutter. I'll send him a text to tell him, "Dang, Daddy, just caught a glimpse of a picture and got the vapors!" One of my personal fears is not being enough. Sometimes Daddy worries that he can't give me all the things he thinks I need. So I tell him, all I need is him. He is home. Doesn't matter if we're in a cardboard box, a trailer or a nice modest house (don't need a mansion....too much to clean), if he is there it is perfect.

 

All I need is someone to walk in the door and smile and have 'home' show on their face just because I'm there. Or wrap their arms around me while I cook, or do laundry, or garden. I need someone whose voice will be full of delight, simply because they are talking to me. I need someone who will sit on the floor and play a game or watch a movie with me and the boys. I need someone who loves us, just because. He smiled and said then I'll just keep doing that, I'll just keep showing you. And I smiled and said that's all that I need.

We have to remember, no matter what role our partner fulfills, they are human. They need, too. They need to be filled and feel appreciated. They need to know how very important their presence in our lives is. Just because he is a dominant doesn't mean he is bottomless. Lots of times they experience  things in their day that they try to shield us from. They need those soft, sweet words and gentle touches as much as we do. We have to keep the energy flowing, if we don't we stagnate.

So the next time you look at your partner and feel that flutter, or your breath catches in your throat, or your blood rushes, or you sadness or anxiety disappears, the next time he touches you and you bite your lip, and get goosebumps, tell him, and thank him for being there.