Tuesday, February 5, 2013

June's Journey and What Spanking Means to Her

You've seen in some previous posts that Daddy will often give me submission exercises to help me feel my place, to expand and understand my submission. These can be physical tasks, or they can be to investigate starting a blog, or to write an essay. Recently he texted me from work and instructed me to write an essay detailing how I feel about spanking, what it feels like, what it does for me and what it means to me.

What emerged was something of my road-map to our dynamic, my road-map home. I asked Daddy if I could share this here.


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We've talked about how I came into being a spanko before. I just came this way. From my earliest memories, I was fascinated by it, read and cut out all the Dear Abby & Anne Landers posts about it (I can still remember one of them by heart - how weird is that?). As a young adult, I sought stories about spanking. No Internet then, so harder to find people to connect with, or articles, forums - anything where I could have discovered more about myself and my desires. 

Then came the Internet and access to videos - and really? - . Not those crazy contrived scenes, naughty school girls,  or really heavy BDSM  There was a small percentage of them that appealed to me, and most of them had to do with discipline. And not those crazy guys who bill themselves as disciplinarians, bringing all the recalcitrant girls of the world to toe. And not the ones where girls bratted to get spanked, being deliberately disrespectful and defiant - shudders. The ones that appealed to me were the ones that addressed discipline within a relationship, where there was calmness and talking, not anger and yelling and cruel words.

When my ex left and I decided to go in search of what I wanted - needed - I had come to a basic understanding about what spanking did for my emotional state. You already know that I tend to assume responsibility for everything that goes wrong.... hence our newest rule. But I discovered that for me spanking was a way to take that intensity of emotion that I felt pretty regularly, all the stress, all the feelings of having wronged, anxiety, all those negative things, that pain inside and allowed me to transfer it to flesh and - poof - magic. I didn't know yet about DD/TTWD. Where did one go looking for someone willing to spank them?

So I started in the place I thought was the only place to start, with various BDSM 'dating' sites. Everyone just looking for a hook-up & I'm not a hook-up kinda girl. Then I found some spanking dating sites, and pretty much more of the same - I'm  going through your town, can I stop by and spank you? Excuse me? But ummmmm, NO! Then I found Fetlife, not quite as creepy, more like a social network. I found a local group and found someone I could engage with, and do a little exploring, with lots and lots of limits, and it being somewhat of a learning experience, but missing the spiritual component. It gave me some of what I was looking for, but it did not feed my soul. I found some groups with people that I could identify with, and learn more about myself and my desire to submit. I found a mentor, a very nice gentleman, who had a girl, but was willing to answer my questions, and help me understand what and who I was, and to redirect me when people tried to tell me that I was something different.

That niche from the videos, and stories -where could I find that? I kept seeking, and following leads off Fetlife, and came across the concept of DD. There was that thing that I was looking for. There were some factions that were just not for me, I'm not into the whole regimented, formulaic mode, I wanted something organic, something as easy as breathing. There I found another mentor, a woman who identified as a little, and who told me that just because I was submissive didn't mean I had to be an open book for everyone, but only for my one, when I found someone worthy of me. Worthy of me? What a foreign concept.

Then I found you, because the cosmos aligned and because I believe in an attitude of gratitude. I thought you were taken, but you weren't. And all the while I thought you were too good to be true, and certainly too good for the likes of me. And here we are. And you are perfect for me...my puzzle piece. And for the first time, everything is as it always should have been, different than I have ever known, and what I have always dreamed of. You asked me to write what spanking feels like to me, what it does for me, what I think about it. But I had to tell you all of that first, and if you didn't know, if by some chance I have not communicated well enough what you mean to me - you're very different, you're what I have waited for all my life. And everything with you is like nothing ever before. With you I have the spiritual depth that I craved. The first time we spoke, your voice was a key that reached deep down into my belly, into some visceral place that no one ever imagined  and I felt the first turn of the key in what would be the release of my truest self. You gave me the gift of being who I was meant to be.

So for us, it is something deep that we share. For me, spanking is a very deep expression of my submission to you. It is my saying that I trust you with my body, but also with my heart, my mind, my emotions. It is saying that I trust you to understand what I need, and to be diligent in giving it,even if it might be hard, even if you might be tired. I trust that you will put us ahead of everything else, to clear away the barriers, and to ensure that we both feel our places.  I do feel safe in your hands. I feel loved and treasured that you would take the time to give me relief, take the time to establish our roles and allow me to feel soft and submitted, value us enough to clear the air of resentment and petulance and give us the gift of a clean slate, or just engage in this most intimate of acts with me. I feel honored in your acceptance of my humility, and that you lift me and show me that in your eyes, this makes me radiant and beautiful.

In terms of my submission, I don't fear any implement, they are only extensions of the hand of my love. I  lay willingly across your lap, or at your side, and even if I have transgressed, your touch is soft and full of love, your words are soft, sweet, affirming, comforting, and I would take anything that you choose to give me. I relish those little moments of intensity when I feel I might crack, and am able to breathe out that resistance and offer that to you.  I relish that you will feel that intensity, and choose that moment to extend your hand and whisper - Daddy's right here, love, here's my hand - or stop to rub and stroke my bottom, my back, my hair, to stop and speak soft words, to encourage me and speak of your love and pride.

In terms of the physicality, does it hurt? Yes, it does. It's deep stripped-down, nitty-gritty, pain, but it is pure and it is purifying, and I can offer that to you. I love you enough to bear any pain...you know that, and that knowledge is enough. Under the pain, there is the luxury of that deepest of connections. There are the moments, even in the midst of correction that speak to love, devotion, unconditionality, and forgiveness. In discipline, I feel the safety of your Dominance and control, I feel the security of my place, I feel your guardianship, I feel the pleasure that only you can bring. The pleasure is you inside my head, I feel us, pure energy, it's intoxicating and I want more. 

In terms of my emotions, I still believe it takes conflicts and anxieties inside of me and delivers them to flesh where they evaporate. It is a cleansing of all that does not belong inside me, or between us. It is the tool by which we become closer, share more, and by which I become the strongest, best person that I can be.

For us, spanking is part of the thing that defines and continues to refine us. For us it is devotion - your Dominance is your devotion unto me, and my submission is my devotion unto you. For us it is our sacrament.


HIS POV: 

As perfectly stated above, spanking is an engrained and analogous part of our DD/TTWD as well as our life as a fully functioning and communicative couple with a deeply intense bond that is further enhanced by something that is truly, uniquely and totally ours.  June and I both had the unique advantage of having not only a deep understanding and need of dominance, submission and spanking, but also a thirst to affect each other in the deepest and most heartfelt ways.

Spanking itself is a many splendored thing that even now after all of the exploration that June and I have done continues to delight and find new relevance and true comfort in the face of the chaotic world around us. Spanking unlocks June's submission and reveals the tenderest thoughts, brings emotion to surface and purifies both of our hearts.

June m'lady, I am humbled to call you mine and it is a true pleasure to be the facilitator of pleasure, pain, passion and growth in our relationship. I relish the gifts of submission and control that you honor and entrust me with. It is a true honor and the deepest of pleasures to fulfill your desires and needs... Even in correction you know my deepest love and affection. When given in pleasure my body  sings to yours and yours echos pleasure in the deepest.... it is a beauty that I've never known and don't deserve. I will guard your heart and plumb the depths of our love and because of this... this beauty within us, we will grow ever stronger in love and life.

26 comments:

  1. WOW, this post really spoke to me. I really like this one.

    Thank you!
    fiona

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  2. Ok Junie - ya got me in tears (good ones I promise). Ward brings out the you that you were always meant to be and you bring out the him he was always meant to be. Together, you are an awesome, loving couple and a shining example to all of us!

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Awwww, I'm sorry, Cat :) He does bring out the best in me. I cannot remember life before him, and I can't imagine life without him.

      (((hugs)))

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  3. This is so beautiful. Such an amazing expression of your submission, love and devotion June and of your leadership Ward.

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It is truly inspirational to the rest of us, as is the wonderful, deeply connected relationship you share.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thanks so much, Roz. He is a most amazing leader, and I would not be who I am without him. I've never imagined it could be so good :)

      (((hugs)))

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  4. June thank you for sharing your heart. That was so beautifully described, you can almost feel the Love you share. As for the spanking right about now I would take the hardest one on record. haha need that stress relief you spoke of that peace. Ward after reading your post I think I understand my husband more. Hes always so peaceful and calm he says its because he knows he has me at home. I pray to be more like him. Hugs

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    1. Aww, thank you for your sweet words, Annie. Thanks you. I know! When I am stressed, boy I have even asked for the dreaded Mr. Studly, just anything to get me to that point of surrender.

      He is always so calm, even when I am spinning wildly. I am grateful for his calming force in my life.

      (((Hugs)))

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  5. This was beautiful June. I love how you share your heart with Ward so openly. I read this and then I thought, what would I do if MM asked me to write an essay. LOL...I think I'd have a ton of attitude for some time before I got down to work. I have much to learn...so I'll keep reading! :)

    Thanks to you both, as usual.

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    1. Thanks most kindly, Susie. He makes it so, I have never been so fearless in a relationship.

      Don't kick me now, but it never occurred to me to be upset or resistant to his requests for essays, lol. He asked and he's Daddy. I kind of like when he does things like that. For me it's no different to his asking for something special for dinner, or to do something physically submissive. It's his right to ask, and my duty to comply. *ducks* But don't worry - I make up for it in other areas, lol...like talking poorly about myself - sigh - someday I'll get it.

      (((hugs)))

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  6. Like Susie, it made me wonder how I'd react if Michael wanted me to write him an essay. I don't really know, other than I'd be in shock. lol Often when reading your posts I wonder how things would've been different in my marriage over the years if we'd started off with this dynamic. But I try to remember that everything Michael and I have been through is what's brought us to where we are today. Anyway, thanks for sharing this! :)

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    1. That's something that we talk about quite a bit, Grace, how our life might be different if we had to change up our dynamic instead of having the benefit of coming into it like this. It's actually a post I'm working on :)

      Yes, as you know, I haven't had a typical life. But I understand somewhere deep inside that everything that happened for a reason. And everything that happened, and every choice I made put me right here. And right here with Ward, well there's nowhere else I'd rather be. We all have our own journeys. And each experience is necessary to put us in the path we need to follow, and to help us appreciate the things that we have.

      (((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks so much, Bea :) (((hugs)))

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  8. What a sincere and heartfelt post

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  9. Such a beautifully written, sweet post! I love it :)

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    1. Thank so much, elle :) It was from my heart :)

      (((hugs)))

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  10. "Such things that dreams are made of..."

    Inspirational post June. Thank you for sharing. Whilst I realise that your life and mine have been continents apart, we are now in similar places. I've always loved, and always will love, making a home for my family. Cooking, fresh flowers, ironing with lavender water. Starman and I even fold the 'sheets' together chatting about everyday things as we do so.

    It's a great thing to be able to "share". Folk miss a lot if they don't want to share. If we share the events of our lives, like birthdays and anniversaries, then surely we should also share the small things?

    I wasn't brought up with spanking. In fact, my dad had a bit of a temper, and what I got were hard hits across the face. So to me spanking was a little scary when I first read about it, and indeed, I wondered why on earth anyone would want such a thing. But gradually my curiosity got the better of me, I started to read blogs, and learn about Dd, and the rest has become history. However, I am happy to move very slowly, gradually learning this thing together. I am still nervous of the thought of discipline and punishment. Starman has learned to warm me up gently and carefully, before using any form of implement. And I suppose what we use is for 'kittens'. I really want to please him. I was so horrid, for so long, that even now I don't know how he stood it. I am just loving the closeness we are now sharing. Our home is such a peaceful place, that even members of the family are beginning to comment on our new way with each other. We just smile knowingly.

    I so enjoy reading your blogs, June and Ward. I learn a lot from them, and from your relationship with one another.

    Many hugs,

    Ami

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    1. Thank you so much, Ami, for your very sweet message. Mmmm, I love the smell of lavender...as you can tell, lol. I love doing things with Ward and the boys and I love doing things for them. I am hopelessly old-fashioned. Sharing the small things... it's amazing, a kiss or hug for no reason... just because I love you... just because I'm grateful you are here in my life.

      The womb donor, she was a puncher and a kicker. There was no discipline, there were beatings, and just because the coffee wasn't hot, or she was mad at a boyfriend. *Shrugs* I think I went the other way. There was no spankings, no loving discipline, and that is what I craved, unconditional love, loving discipline and consistency, surety and safety. I know what you mean, and I'm sorry for what happened to you. (((hugs)))

      The effects on our life are just amazing. The happiness and contentment shine, it shows in us and in our children. I know some people don't understand, but I wish that could just see and accept all the positives it brings to our lives. I'm so happy that you found your stride, and your peaceful place. Everyone should experience this kind of love :)

      (((hugs))) and you guys are still in our prayers!

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  11. June,
    I wanted to comment earlier, but wanted Dave to read it first. You've beautifully put into words what I have been trying to explain to him about what spankings mean to me, what they do for me. I love the way you described it. It's funny that this has been difficult for me to explain to him, but it has. Thank you for helping me show Dave. Perhaps if he were to assign me an essay such as Ward did for you, then having to sit and think it out would have caused me to have to search myself more and perhaps find words similar to what you wrote. Like you, I wouldn't have a problem with writing it, it would be just as him asking me to complete any task. Like you also, I have the most difficulty with talking poorly about myself. It's something I've been working on alot of late; I'd like to say I've made progress but that would depend on when I'm asked about it what my answer would be. If I were to have an attitude with the assignment of an essay it would be one on the subject of personal positive attributes that would give me the most difficulty. It's still a work in progress. Perhaps down the road I will be at a point where I could write one for Dave that reads as beautifully as the words you shared above. I know that would please him immensely, and it would give me great joy to bring that to him.
    Thank you to both of you for being an example and an inspiration for me on my own journey, and to help me have the words for Dave to understand how I look at and feel the world around me. ((hugs))

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    1. Jacquie,
      I cannot tell you how very moved I was by your comment. I am glad that my humble thoughts helped you to express your heart to Dave. It helps me, too, you know, to know that I'm not a freak. Sometimes I think that no one else could ever feel the way I feel... that no one would ever understand.

      Like you, I can deny him nothing, an essay is an easy task. If I had to write one about personal positive attitude, well, I might end up getting corrected over that. No, not that I would balk, but I might have a hard time coming up with anything worth saying before the time limit was up. Though I did actually say something good about my self the other day..... twice, even if it was kind of backhanded, it was positive, and it was about me. So I'll take it, lol, little victories!

      Thank you again, you warmed my heart tonight.

      (((hugs)))

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  12. This was really beautiful June and Ward. It speaks from your heart and it touches mine. I feel much the same on so many levels. Thank you for sharing this!

    Sara

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    1. Thanks most kindly, Sara. It's a very spiritual experience for us... we find all of life to be that way with each other. That's an amazing thing that I never thought I would find :)

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  13. I am late to the party. I feel the same as several here June. You very simply expressed what becomes very convoluted in my mind when I try to find a way to describe why I want this life. "it takes conflicts and anxieties inside of me and delivers them to flesh where they evaporate", this is what I want. I can carry anxiety from a plethora of things that leave me sleepless and at times shaking with it. It does no good to tell me it wasn't my fault or responsibility. It does no good to tell me to let it go....I don't know how.
    Thank you June!
    Blue Bird

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    1. You're most welcome, Blue Bird. I am the same way. Ward understands that now, but the first time was rough. I needed it to purge my own guilt, and he was ready to move on and hurt, asking if his grace was not enough... which made me cry more.

      I'm glad I'm not alone :) Looking up, you'll see we have some very good company.

      (((hugs)))

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