Perfectionism

This post comes from a conversation I had with Grace. She posed a question to me that really got me thinking, and became a very long answer that I said would make a great post....so I made it one :)
                                                         
I have a question for you.  I know that you (and Ward too, but we're talking about you right now) hold yourself to a high standard.  You have certain expectations of yourself and Ward has certain expectations of you.  What I'm wondering is, how do you avoid falling into the trap of perfectionism?  Because it doesn't seem like you struggle with that...or do you?




Oh gosh - this is a loaded question for me, lol. I do hold myself to a very high standard, because I feel that he and the boys deserve no less. I agree that perfectionism stems from insecurity and sometimes fear, I have been afraid all my life that my best efforts are not good enough, that I am not good enough. If you consider perfectionism as: Perfectionism, in psychology, is a personality disposition characterized by an individual striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations. - then yes, I suffer from perfectionism BIG TIME! The one thing is I am always sure that I will never be able to attain perfection, because I am inherently imperfect, I try to accept that with humility. Daddy, bless him, says that perfection does not matter, but that I constantly put in effort to be more, do more, even if I don't succeed, I tried to give him my best.

 

I used to beat myself up over that quite a lot. I don't so much with Daddy, because he will not allow me to do so. Most of the time he is very patient, and I am learning from that to be more patient with myself. Honestly looking to examine if I truly did give the best of myself to the task. If I did, I try to accept that I did, and that I can try to do better next time. Sometimes I am less successful, and those are the times that land me otk - not correction, more like get-your-head-straight/stop-spinning/stress-relief kind of discipline.
 

I was talking to my therapist about it, and she said because of how ingrained that fear, and that need to be loved and accepted is, that it is something that may never go away. But she says she sees improvement with it since I'm with Ward. So how do I cope? Well, when I start feeling it, I ask myself if I did my best, if there was a way I could have done better, and then I offer it to him with my whole heart. He has never rejected anything I have given him. I try to see how it affects him and take that inside, seeing that it touches him and that the efforts are appreciated and treasured. It's a work in progress. I have never had the positive feedback I get from him. I try to realize that his reaction is kind of like his gift to me, as much as my actions to him, and realize that when I doubt myself it is the same as questioning his sincerity, so I try to accept his genuine gratitude with a heart as open as that with which he accepts my offerings to him.


HIS POV:  

 I must remain vigilant in the expression of my love and acceptance of June. More than that I recognize the heartfelt effort that June puts forth in all things... In our relationship, in being a wife and a mother, indeed in all things. I recognize that her upbringing was harsh, desolate, cold and void of acceptance. My love for her is unconditional just as I know that hers is for me.  Patience despite humanity is a gift that I long to bring June. Her heart needs it, and I know how much she struggles with this particular issue.

The truth is, I've learned so much from June and I owe her a debt of gratitude... She's very patient with me as well and she has taught me much about what a Father and Husband are all about.  She and the boys love me, and more than any amount of  fear or perfection (yes I can be a bit of a perfectionist) their love for me, in spite of the things I struggle with, speak volumes.

I am a blessed man to be able to give my all to a beautiful lady and two beautiful children who  allow me to make a mistake... I must have the mind process that we can all learn to accept our humanity just as much as learn from our mistakes.  Giving from a loving heart is also one of the things I strive to do every single day!




                                     

The No-Shutdown Rule

                                                      

    There are times in a DD/TTWD relationship that discipline and correction will be a dreaded but  necessary action that  requires a clear mind, a firm hand, and an open, honest heart.  I've talked about discipline and correction in other posts before, but in this post I'd like to illustrate the importance of connectivity, even during correction, unmet expectations, or hurt feelings.

Sometimes it can be difficult to express the let-down that we feel in our partner's actions, non-actions and potentially careless words or deeds. That's why June and I feel that communication and expression are vital to us and our interpretation of this lifestyle. Sometimes irritation, disappointments, hurt feelings, etc. can cloud  the effectiveness of  what we are really trying to communicate. I know that I can be fairly adamant about my expectations and when they should be met. In most instances June and I are very much on the same page, but there have been a few occasions where she or I were off the mark and needed to take a few min to get emotion out of the picture, think clearly and not let hurt or anger get the best of us.

                                                      

 

We also believe that taking time is one thing, but drawing out an unresolved problem is unhealthy and unnecessary.  Shutting down is never acceptable in our house. I mean I have to think that if I am the HoH and I am to effectively lead and guide my family, that it is even LESS acceptable for me to start shutting down and be non-communicative. In the beginning this was something that I struggled with and no, I'm not proud of that. June got me thinking and talking and for me that was a major, major step, even outside DD/TTWD. I've never been in a relationship that made communication so easy, so fluid, and so welcome and even despite my attempts to clam-up and keep to myself, our love won out and I found my voice.  We think that it is far better to put things on the table, refine our thoughts, and turn towards the relationship in order to clear the air and move forwards before the sun sets.  Letting an issue stagnate can only lead to hard feelings, and cracks in the armor of our relationships and our own interaction.

                                            


  When  June and I discussed the foundation of our relationship we realized that one of the things that makes BOTH of us better is accountability and while I may not be the one on the receiving end of a good spanking, the standards of our relationship must, do and in fact apply to a higher standard for me. We often tell our youngest to "use your words" and that's something that I do in fact have to tell myself.... I'll be honest in that regard.  I'm like a lot of men, I don't want to talk about it... but being the man, the man my wife and children look to for answers, the head of our home, has taught me that I can't afford to do that anymore... That and June will, and in fact should, call me on that.  If it came down to it, she would place herself across my lap and have me spank her until I could communicate the emotions that I was feeling and how we can get to a better place.



                                                   

 Harmony can be disrupted fairly easily, sometimes we don't take notice of the small things our partners do to enrich our lives and our families. Sometimes it seems as if our partners don't care, or like what is important to us isn't important to them and that can and does hurt. Nobody likes to have their thoughts or feelings marginalized and I think that puts the onus on the HoH to ensure that there is no shut-down, no loss of communication and no distances that can hurt the relationship in either the long or short-term.  Take the time to put your emphasis on getting to a shared place of comfort that  has the strength and conviction to move forward despite discomfort, hurt feelings and/or anger.... The relationship benefits and let's be honest, folks, there are way better things to be doing at the end of the day than fighting or not talking to each other... just sayin!

                                                     

                                                         

Her POV:

This has been my greatest challenge. Because of my life, it has always been safer to shut-down. If you let them see how you were affected, or that you were hurt or bothered, it only got worse. I was very good at stuffing things down. Daddy does not allow this...not in the very least. The first time, during a conversation about the necessity of communicating what I felt, he used the phrase - passive-aggressive.....just cut me to the very core. He's right...he always is (sighs....schnoots to Daddy ALWAYS being right!....jk). It is passive aggressive. I wasn't aware of it. My tone was clipped, my answers short. "Yes, Daddy" became an eyes down "yes" .... shudders. But those were just the motions of our dynamic, it was not authentic.

Then we got to a different place. I would communicate... not right away. Sometimes I needed that moment to stuff down that eye roll, or that sarcastic remark and think about how I really felt and filter my emotions. It got me spanked. Why? I didn't communicate that I needed a moment to process, that I wasn't distancing myself from him, from us, but that I was using a minute to work things out in the framework of our relationship and be able to bring it to him respectfully. So I got spanked. Then we talked. He apologized. And I said if I need that moment, how about if I saw, "Daddy, I need a minute to process, please." Then he knows I am not shutting down.

It works. It lets us both know that we are present for each other, and for our relationship. He can do this too... and he has, "Daddy needs a moment to sort this out, lovey. We'll talk about this later (or tonight)." This space gives us the opportunity to enumerate our points, make sure we understand what we need, and frame them in the best possible way to serve our relationship.

I will call him on it. In TTWD I am very much accountable to him. But he is also accountable to me, to our God, and to our family as the head of our home, Distancing is so damaging. There is nothing in the world wrong with holding him accountable....respectfully. I did it wrong in the beginning..."You know what would happen to me if I did what you're doing?" YIKES! But as soft hand on his shoulder, or his leg, or just curling up beside him and winding my fingers with his, a soft kiss and a,"Daddy, distance is against our rules. I think we need to talk about what's on your mind.", or yes, laying across his lap... sometimes both. If the air needs to be cleared, this is the mechanism we have established to do so. No, not correction, discipline, we all need it... it goes hand in hand with accountability.

And the bottom line - heck yeah, there are better things we can be doing :)

Butthurt

                                                                                                             

                                                            

No, I don't mean a bottom that is actually hurting.... or what might lead to a bottom hurting...

I'm talking about hurt feelings.  I think that it goes without saying that anyone that is or has ever been in a relationship has either said something hurtful or been told something that perhaps didn't agree with their ideas or emotional state.  I think both parties in a relationship need to be aware that the words they use have the power to affect their partner's attitude and response to those words.

Sometimes situations are difficult. Sometimes there are truths that we need to hear. Sometimes difficult choices have to be made and  in these situations it is easy to miscommunicate and hurt someone's feelings. I think open honest communication can in many cases prevent or minimize emotional damage. I think it is important for both people to make a strong and significant effort to listen and not marginalize.  A good partner finds a way, even when it is difficult to take the time to truly listen.

                                                                                
                                               

We can never really take words back once they leave our mouths. Now having said that, I realize that it is definitely possible to hurt somone's feelings unintentionally. So now what? Do we have a nervous laugh? Do we just say "They'll get over it"? No, even when we accidently harm with our words, the onus is on us to make it right.

Making it right is more than just a simple apology. Making it right means not just saying, but showing our partner that what is important to them is important to us. HoH's need to be especially attentive to this...guys, make every effort to show your lady that you are man enough to admit when you made a mistake, apologize earnestly. Ladies, ensure your guy understands that you support him, even through the difficult choices and be aware of the impact of your words as well.  We all have busy lives, but making time to make things right isn't just the sign of someone who cares, it is the cleansing of the slate and an opportunity to learn and become stronger as individuals, as a couple and as a family unit.

                                                       

Here are a few things that I believe make the apology process easier:

- Eye Contact - This one is a make or break... Eye contact is critical

- The time to do it - If there isn't time... Make time, this is somthing that needs to be done sooner rather than later.

- A quiet place - If need be, go to your room and close the door, turn off your phone, turn off the tv... make sure that you won't be interupted

- Sincerity - understand what is on your partners mind and show them that you understand what they need from you here and now.

Learning from these experiences is actually a very valuable tool. We must seize the opportunities we are given to become stronger, and we must never let something - even something seemingly small come between us. I've said it before, but it bears repeating... simply put as vibrant and beautiful couples we just don't have time for the butthurt.

                                                      

Showing your partner that you can put aside your pride and admit that you are wrong is more than just valuable, it can enhance your time together and put you both right in the place where you need to be.

                                                            

Her POV:

The first time Ward apologized to me I was like a deer in the headlights. That just never happened to me before. I wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to do with that. I have always been the one who apologized... even when it wasn't my fault. I was not used to anyone else accepting responsibility in the relationship.

Our job when they come to us in this way is to accept with grace, and let them know that it is behind us...the slate is clean. Is that not the gift that they give to us - the gift of forgiveness and a clean slate?
We need to be able to put ourselves in their shoes and understand that it was not easy to come to us. We need to ask ourselves what we seek from them when we are in the wrong. We need to see that their apology is their way of expressing their love, and their dedication to our relationships over self.

They are just as human as we are. They make mistakes. And when they apologize they make themselves vulnerable, too. They need that feeling of absolution as much as we do. Imagine what it would feel like if you offered your heart and were rejected... the walls would be flying up, and we would be moving away from each other, instead of towards each other. When we have wrong our partner, no matter if you are the HoH or the TiH, we need the forgiveness and grace of our partner.

And as Ward said, I can't emphasize how important it is to stop and  listen to each other. Turn off all distractions, if there are other people around do go to your room. This is a huge opportunity to connect with our partners, to create intimacy, and to build our relationships even stronger.