The Price of Selfishness

                                                        
I'm sure the title seems rather ominous to folks, but June and I felt that it was important to talk about the high price of selfishness in DD/TTWD relationships. What is selfishness? Well, it is our belief that selfishness is something that can manifest itself in a number of different ways, but before we get to all of that let us see if we can define it.


                                                


sel.fish
adjective  - Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's on interests, welfare etc.

                                                    

 It becomes easy to see why this is a negative, but it also paints a clear, honest picture of the need for both HoH and TiH to be cognizant of their actions and motivations. Words spoken offhand, doing some of the same old things we've always done, or just dismissively not hearing the words that our partners speak are not just dismissive, but clearly selfish, and in this discovery we must determine the course(s) of action to grow closer, stronger and more affirmative to the needs and desires of our partners.  As an HoH I realize that my life and the direction of all of those under my roof must be positive, and this positivity must be catalyzed by a fair amount of love and sacrifice.  Turning off the tv, following a conversation (even when I am tired), spending time teaching and playing with my sons, and giving her an opportunity to be heard... I said sacrifice before but honestly it really isn't for me, by being unselfish and attending I gain so much more than I would have by napping on Saturday afternoon, or by watching hours and hours of sports. No, I can be better than that for my family and I can be better than that for my June.  I guess when I think about it that way it's not so much of a choice, it is the right thing to do and I honestly find that when I make the right choice the day goes so much smoother.

                                                              


Selfishness is also a two way dance and as surely as an HoH can be dismissive and ignorant of fruitful communication and familial growth, so can a TiH.  Talking over her HoH, being unconcerned about things that are important to him, being dismissive or downplaying his words, or by saying nothing and later being resentful that something wasn't handled just the way they would do it... these are all small examples of selfishness that can cause a great deal of harm and slow or damage growth within a healthy relationship. Encouraging open honest dialogue, and giving her my undivided attention, making eye contact, having an open, but solid posture, these things, and my own personal demonstrations of love, attentiveness, and tenacity allow June to see me for who I am and what I desire, need, and crave from our relationship and these same ideas also allow me to see to my June's needs with a happy, engaged heart.

                                          

We find as we do these things, the desire to give of ourselves to each other only grows greater with time.  There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of ways that we can improve our service to each other and our relationship.  As a man, I find it pleasurable to find ways to give my wife, my lady,  the attention, care and effort that she needs and deserves. It also thrills me that she never fails to give me the kind of care and love that I have needed for the longest time.. It is a true privilege to call her mine and a true honor to be hers.






                                              

                                            
Her POV: 

My Daddy honors me with his words. And he honors me every single day, in every single look, every touch, in the seemingly small considerations, that to me, are immense. I have never been important to anyone before. I have never had the reciprocity that he shares with me. I have always given, thinking that someday it would be returned, some day someone would see the heart in my service and I would become important. That never happened till the day I sent an email to tell a man that his words touched me. From that very moment I have been treated with the most extraordinary care and kindness that I have ever known.

I love him. Purely and honestly love him. It is at once simple and as profound as anything I have ever experienced. I pour myself out on him, but I am never depleted he is continuously filling my heart. It is my joy to be of service and in service to him. I try to always be conscious that he is my heart, and he is committed to being my soft place, my safe harbor. I try to give him the same, with every ounce of intent. I try hard to remember that things do go wrong, but he is not my enemy, he is the one I can always turn to. He is the one that will always have my hand. He is the one that will always do what it takes to make it right. Even when it isn't easy. No matter how hard it is. No matter how tired he is. No matter if there is a program on tv that he has been waiting months to see. He is there, and he is my leader. He stands before me, fighting for us. Do I owe him any less?

He makes his efforts strong and committed and consistent. We hear a lot in blogland about problems caused when our HoH's are not consistent. But I would challenge: How consistent are you in your submission? How consistent are you in showing him your respect? We are equally charged with giving our best and most consistent efforts.

Is that always easy? No, it's darn difficult sometimes. Sometimes we are are the end of a stressful day with children, work, house, laundry, school problems. Sometimes he is tired. Sometimes he says things that may be irritating, or hit you the wrong way. Those are the times I take a breath, close my eyes and see with my heart who this man is to me and what is his due as my husband, as my man, as my leader, as my partner. He used to get frustrated with that moment, now he understands that I may be challenged and working through to my best self. And he gives me that grace. And I remember to give him that grace when he has a moment as well, perhaps gently sharing that he was a bit short. And then we grab hold of each other's hands and give each other the grace of forgiveness. And with that we grow and flourish. That's pretty awesome.

Dual Post Number 1 (Struggling in your Role)

Hello ladies and gentlemen, We would like to invite you to come and explore a few very important issues in the first of a long line of posts that we will both be writing together.  You are used to both of us  giving our Points of View, but we thought that it might be nice for us to to collaborate on a topic.  We hope that you find this particular post to be a valuable tool in your own relationship.

Sometimes  it's hard to maintain one's role.  Sometimes It's even harder to fight down the seemingly small urges that we may develop to pull away from our partners and put up walls.  Distance doesn't work and the longer we maintain a distance, the deeper the strain on our relationships become.  So then what is the answer?

If you guessed communication, I am suitably impressed by your insight, and commend your  wisdom and prudence!  In all seriousness, from this HoH's perspective, I value when June comes to me and communicates exactly what she needs, and when she needs it.  I must also appreciate the effort that it takes to come forward with an issue as well as understanding the newness of this feeling. In many instances, June didn't have the opportunity to talk openly and honestly about what she needed. Sometimes it would be easier to be stand-offish, distant, snappy, or outright rude to each other, but I think we all know, that that isn't the answer.

It would seem that the best thing to do is talk openly and honestly about what we need without expecting the other person to be psychic or perfect and to do so without being manipulative or overly expectant without fully vocalizing what we truly need.  Honesty, and effort count for a lot, especially when we are already tired from day to day life... Listening intently is a big first step, but honest and realistic communication are also important.  I have many skills, but I'll be the first to admit that I am not a mind reader, knowing this I also know that I have to make myself available and admit my own errors... Nobody is perfect, but we must all keep ourselves accountable and act accordingly.

(June here) What do you mean you're not psychic?  You know me very well, and sometimes it does seem that you're psychic. But as much as we keep each other center and the most important thing to each other, I have to acknowledge that you need transition time, that after a long day at a job that wears on you that you may not have all your faculties at their sharpest

At those times I could communicate that I need something, or I could get short and stroppy and all in a snit - and then I don't get the gg I may be seeking and instead get one of those spankings I don't want, and that really takes away from our evening. It never really gets in the way, you don't let it. You take us past the point that there are any secrets or unspoken feelings or slights, nothing to take root and fester. I appreciate that - though at the time I may be holding tightly onto whatever insecurities or needs that I have thinking I am saving you....from what??? I have to ask when my mind is far more rational....from a peaceful night? From a soft, submitted woman?

I truly don't understand why I sometimes hold with a death grip to those walls and vestiges of distance - they feel horrid. Sometimes it is hard to get past that point, and as much as I may be ambivalent about the "we have all night, little one, let me in" when it is spoken, I am grateful that you push me to the place that I am most comfortable. I'm not perfect, I am far from perfect. The thing I appreciate most is that you understand that, don't demand that, and help me even those times that I will not ask.

The other times, most times, I will ask. You are my man, you are my Daddy....if our dynamic was different I would be comfortable calling you my Master.... you are master of my heart and soul - you are my lover, you are my leader, you are my world. If I cannot trust you to help me, even if it takes time, even if it is painful, who can I trust?  I trust no one more. So I come, with an implement, or a weight on my shoulders and lay myself across your lap, or into your arms and lay my wet cheeks into the crook of your neck, and I know that I am home, and I know that the pain is transitory, and I know that your love will permeate my heart, and push out all that does not belong.  I lay myself in your hands, and that is home.

June love, you know me as well as I do and I know you need time for yourself, with two active boys that demand attention and care you routinely impress me with your "Mom skills" and make the time and effort to ensure that our home is clean, and comfortable and for that I thank you.

You are my woman, my love, my mate,  my heart, my submissive and I would call you  my slave where it so. You are my lover, my best friend, my universe and I am so very grateful that you allow me to guide and lead you. You have given me the privilege and responsibility of guarding your heart. Your confidence in my leadership and your warmth even when you are tired, and I am not at my best warms my heart and when you are wrapped up in Daddy's embrace... that is indeed home.

Sometimes the death grip is evidence of your need for my love, even when it hurts you know that I am not going anywhere and if it takes me proving that everyday of forever you know that despite fatigue and frustration, despite the fears that need to be overcome, that you have my deepest love and that I will give you my whole heart, kiss away the tears, and reach out through the darkness to bring you home.

As evidenced by the unity displayed, let us design to entreat each other with love and fullness. When we struggle we can only learn from our mistakes and grow from them. To give each other the depth and richness deserved in great relationship we cannot and will not settle for less, we will not short change each other, even when I am tired, or it is difficult to speak we will both stand up for each other and what is ours!

Daddy, I can't think of a moment that I do not ache with need for you. I crave that closeness, the warmth of your skin on mine, your breath on my hair, your lips to my forehead, I crave the way I feel with you, the smallness, the safeness, the security... it is what I have never had, and sometimes I feel that fear that I could lose it so intensely, that is where my walls come from, but you know that. For whatever ridiculous reason the day throws up in my path, somehow I see you walking the other way, even though you never have. And the walls come up to protect myself.... ridiculous to protect yourself from the person you most want in the world.

These are the times my submission slips, those times I feel my vulnerability and like the emperor realize I have no clothes - nothing to protect myself, but from what? You protect me from everything - even myself.  Yes, I sometimes need you to pull my submission out from behind the walls I construct, they only serve to harm me, harm you, harm us. These are the times I struggle to be my truest self. These are the times I am wrapped up so tight in my fear that I cannot breathe... until I take that step to ask for your help, or I find the strength to submit when you bid it, for just that moment it takes for you to grip the wall and begin to pull and when the walls come crashing down, you are always there to shield me, to protect me, and to put my heart back together. How could I ever navigate through this world without you?

You ask me at those times is not your love enough? Is not your grace enough? Have you not proven your truth in love for me? It is enough, and you have proven beyond any measure. And for a while it is enough to quiet the voice that says I am not enough and I do not deserve you. I thank you for your diligence and your steadfastness, and that you do not weary of teaching me, of erasing a lifetime of belief in fallacy, of cultivating my submissive heart, of letting me find home for the first time, and I thank you, most simply and yet most profoundly, for loving me.

My sweet June, I can feel it when you struggle, and my heart near threatens to burst in my chest.  It is my job to fulfill you, to love you and to lift you when you struggle to walk beside you and give you my best even when things aren't easy, I will take that step to put the world down and pick you up, to bring the wall down and draw you out with a loving heart and a deep, loving desire to see you and our relationship lifted. I want to thank you again for letting me love you and for being submissive to me when I know it isn't always easy or fair. Your grace is amazing and I know that in my heart, I am a changed man for the better because of you. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart... You are what I longed for in the days of my youth, and you are the comfort in my age... you are everything, my heart.

 It is easy to see that love in abundance is an important part of our relationship. We thank you all for reading and wanted to show you the real, raw side of Ward and June. We struggle too.  Sometimes we keep it close to the vest, sometimes we are quiet about it and don't blog about it until we have clearer eyes to assess the journey but, we also know that growth can be and is painful sometimes. We have learned that communicating our needs without preying on each other's emotions, or being manipulative is absolutely vital to our communication process.  Staying connected, even when we struggle is an art and we by no means have mastered it, but the one thing we take deep comfort in is knowing that we will be there for each other for the whole journey! Thanks for reading!

Strength and Softness and Balance

                                                 

 Strength... The word has defined my life.  I understand it deeper all the time, and I respect it's something that I have had to have all of the days of my life.  When I was a child, I never measured up to the expecations of it... And now sometimes I have to learn that their are other things in life that mean so much more than mere strength.  I'm 6'4 275lbs and I am strong... sometimes, I let my youngest hang off of my arm and enjoy that expression of wonder and brightness that only exists in the very young. Still, next to mental, emotional, and spiritual strength, my physical strength is nothing. There are things I don't like to talk about, and I promise that I won't get into here, but I have definitely seen more than my share of hard times throughout my life. The battles of the heart and mind are the toughest for me and that seems to have been the case since I was young. Still sometimes I must remind myself that at times there are no easy answers and there are no shortcuts  when it comes to dealing with the minds and hearts of the ones that I hold dear, the ones that look to me for answers.

                                                                      

 Sometimes the physical expression of my strength comes in handy and in fact is quite useful.  I am a good one to know when there is moving to be done, I'm deceptively athletic and am often able to parlay these physical skills into completing work and work related task quicker and more efficiently. I am prouder still of the mental and  emotional strength that I am able to provide my family with. Our boys have special needs  and many times they need a stable, male influence that provides  mentorship, confidence, and a voice of experience. I know that they haven't always had that, and it thrills me when I am able to help them see the actualization of their own potential.  More than strength alone, I have also realized that somtimes, more than just goal oriented focus and a direct, stern approach, they also need my unconditional acceptance, patience, and wisdom.  As I pondered these things, It became abundantly clear that these concepts can and should be easily applied to a DD/TTWD relationship. 

                                                   

 Throughout our relationship, I have learned and discovered that sometimes my initial thoughts on a subject or experience often require a second look... We both put a lot of work into this relationship, and I am one HoH who is ready to admit that he cares enough to be worried about the message that he sends his Wife.  Sometimes I don't always communicate well... and while I'm not proud of the way that I've handled everything, I generally feel that we do a good job of giving each other the respect, honor and attention that we as individuals deserve, but also as a couple... Sometimes a direct, logic-oriented approach just isn't the answer. Sometimes we get the most mileage and growth by making ourselves emotionally available to each other when we are at our most vulnerable.  Our life is often hectic, loud, noisy, and full of interesting little twists and turns that often leave us frazzled... it goes without saying that a frazzled husband or wife does not make for a smooth relationship environment.  Thus, it behooves me, the HoH, to be mindful of his words and deeds and balanced in his approach to his relationship.

                     

                                                     

Sometimes being my June's soft landing place, her shoulder to cry on and her ear to listen when things aren't easy is a something that I am proud to be able to give her.  Balancing strength, discipline, love, and  reciprocity yields big benefits, and while I don't always get everything right... She loves me enough to let me learn, let me grow, and do the same for me when I need it... I really don't want to think about where I would be if it weren't for June.. Even when I am not at my best she shows me that she loves me, she doesn't just tell me, she shows that she has faith in me... faith in us and in turn, this gives me the kind of confidence that a HoH requires in order to be effective... I am blessed and thankful to be able to count on my June for love, support and understanding and I hope that she can say the same of me. 

                                                               

Finding the balance between strength and softness and recognizing these same qualities within each other is a very helpful tool when we are finding each other through stress and day to day life. It gives us a guide in the difficult times and highlights and accentuates the good times.  We hope that you all have an opportunity to see what Balancing strength and softness can do for your relationship... You won't be disappointed.


Her POV:

Have I mentioned how very much I like it when Daddy calls me 'his June'? How very warm and like an enchanted princess it makes me feel?...

I have never had any one I could depend on I was always the one who had to be strong for everyone. And it wore me out. I wonder sometimes that Daddy can continue to exhibit that strength of heart and of character I worry that it will wear on him as well. But he seems to thrive on it. And it is so lovely to be able to sink into him.

I know that we have very high and exacting standards for our relationship, but in all reality I think Daddy is too hard on himself regarding how he communicates. I have never had anyone who cares so deeply about hearing my concerns and communicating well.

And in those times when it is hard, when I shut down, and he pulls it out of me, and I'm sure he will run for the hills, he never does. He uses that strength to pull out those things from my heart, and then he holds me up when I am sure I cannot go another step.

I do have faith in my Daddy and slowly he's teaching me to have faith in myself. I am proud of my Daddy, and what he brings to our family. I am proud of how well we communicate, I am proud of this man who has been along so long, and never exposed to children, let alone sometimes difficult children, and a definitely difficult woman, can hold us up and steer us in the right direction as a productive, cohesive unit that moves with grace and unity.

Insecurity and Self-Confidence

 Everyone has insecurities. From an early age we are taught to believe that we must attain the unobtainable, that we have to stay in the lines and have to be blond-haired, blue-eyed and perfect husbands and wives in order to see our true worth.  Society at large, the media, and even contemporary music and television shows depict the common person as lacking. Day in and day out we are bombarded with not so subtle messages and reminders that we'll never make enough money, that we're not attractive enough, not young enough, just plain not good enough. June and I had an interesting conversation the other day and I realized that fostering a healthy self-image and a positive self-mindset are going to be a lifelong endeavor that demands my finest vigilance and most selfless motivations.We know what sometimes causes insecurity, So why then are we still susceptible to it?  Why is it so easy to lift others up and yet doubt our own veracity? In my own case, I guess I've always feared never measuring up to what June desires and deserves in a man, I fear that I won't be a good enough father and that the kids truly deserve better.  June reassures me every day that I do a better than descent job, and when I see them smile, or watch them playing or check on them when they are sleeping, it gives me a confidence that bolsters me. Confidence is a beautiful thing and it is easy to take delight in it's design in our lives.  I have been told that confidence in a man is sexy.  June does indeed thrive when I take charge, not only in our relationship but in and around our home as well. Her confidence me furthers this, but I always try to remember that there is being confident and take charge, and there is being arrogant and dismissive, I try very hard not to be the latter. Observing these benefits, I face my fears with the intent on improving not just myself, but improving my leadership overall and leading by example. June does display beautiful confidence at fleeting moments, and that is what I seek to nourish. Her poise, her skill, and her intelligence are a delight to behold and they serve only to highlight the beauty that shines both inside and out.  June is a remarkable homemaker, a brilliant chef,and an outstanding mother add to that her intellect and it's no surprise as to how I fell deeply in love with her.  As I have told her, "So what you aren't bottle blond and 115lbs, you are beautiful, vibrant, and have a brightness that could not be duplicated. You have a real woman's body, a body designed for nourishment, nurturing and comfort. You have a few grey hairs to speak to your experience and wisdom and I LOVE it and would not change a thing... anyway, this gentleman doesn't prefer blondes."  She laughed and said it was good, and even if she thinks I'm crazy she knows my love for her is real.                                                            Self-confidence begins with understanding that we have our partner's back and that no matter what, they have our deepest and truest love. From there I would encourage you all to take a moment to reflect on what is positive in your world and about yourself.  Take delight in your individuality, marvel at your uniqueness and understand that there is beauty in the honest soft beauty in the display of soft openness and the acceptance of one's strength, appeal and beauty... especially when it is hard to see ourselves.  Despite the selfishness of others, even people we grew up with, shared a home with, or were once intimate with... No sometimes we must dig deeper and see not only our worth, but how our self-perception affects our partners. I'm sure that I am not the only HoH who takes issue and will vigorously correct self-degradation and unhealthy, sef-directed language that only hurts and adds to a layer of negativity.  June knows that I take no pleasure in the act of  correction. It is a painful thing for us both, but I also understand that sometimes, like the truth, the growth process can sting a little.

                                         

The funny thing about fear is, that it's very often not rational.  I realize that this does not make fear impotent, but often times fear is unjustified, and dealing with fear often requires the influence of love and patience. I would encourage the HoH's, the husbands and the leaders of homes to reach out, reassure, and display the earmarks of true love, great and unconditional.   If it took a hundred thousand forevers I would show her that she is beautiful every day and that is the kind of wholesome earth that happy, healthy thoughts thrive in.

The same is true of you. Walk tall, communicate and be confident in your family's confidence in you. Lead from the front and be a living, breathing example of  self-confidence and healthy male energy. It won't always be so simple or easy, but it will always speak to simple, solid leadership.. it all starts with love!

                                                                         

                                                      

Her POV:

Is my fear rational? No. Do I know that? Yes, Can I stop it? No. It's there, deep seated in the back of my mind. I have been taught from the earliest that I was unworthy. There was a fundamental lack trust building that should occur in babies (more psychology stuff), it changes the brain chemistry. It changes perceptions, and 'gut-reactions'.

Do I believe he loves me? Yes. Do I trust him? With my live and the lives of my children - our children now. Do I trust his veracity when he says he will never leave - I''mm 'stuck' with him? No, I know he will not leave. What do I fear? Not being worth it. I have never been worth it. What happens if when all the struggles are over he wonders what in the world he fought so hard for? What if some mystical thing changes and the inner darkness comes out and permeates our lives?

I have no answers. I wish I did. I wish I could gain the confidence. I hate sometimes that I am so needy. I worry that he will weary of that. When I am in his arms I feel that, I feel that confidence, that ....sense that I am ok. Then I so much as walk to the bathroom, and can be smiling and feeling full of him, and glance up at the mirror and the smile fades and I wonder just what he sees that I do not. And how long it will be enough.

I try, I do. I want to be better. It's hard. He'd have to tell you, sometimes I feel that I hold onto it a bit longer. My therapist and I talked about it not long ago. She said it may never go away, that I may have had my brain permanently altered. But she see's very positive results since Daddy - yes she knows exactly what kind of relationship we have, and she still thinks he's good for me :) I work, I try. I love him. That's all I can do.

Tested

 

The life of a submissive woman is full of tests. There are the conscious tests that our men present us with to help us learn to bend,  to help us stretch our limits, our horizons, our trust. These come as expectations of deference, expectations of obedience, expectations of grace. We are expected to follow the rules we establish for our relationships. As we all know sometimes just everyday life makes simple compliance a test all in itself. And we are tested to take that moment to compose ourselves and not reply with that knee-jerk snappy response, or eye-roll. There are the tests designed to deepen our submission - those calls or texts, with instructions, so that we can feel ourselves under their hands. There are those deepening tests that call us to make more public displays of our submission, wearing some symbol of his control or our submission in public, be it visible or invisible, it is there and we are acutely aware. There are the tests in discipline, a hated implement, a more vigorous than normal spanking, and our efforts to yield gracefully.




There are the tests we give ourselves, in submitting gracefully,  even when it's hard. We try to be anticipatory in service. We try to provide those things that make home refuge without being asked, to provide extraordinary comfort before he knows what he needs. We test ourselves when given the choice to choose an implement and we choose perhaps not our favorite, but his - or one that presents a challenge to us, because doing so signifies our trust and our desire to give him that. We test ourselves when we sense that he needs to feel our submission and we offer ourselves freely to him. We test ourselves in giving our willing hearts, and our softest demeanor.


And there are the tests that life throws our way. These may be the hardest of all because maybe they shake our men as well - the ones that are our anchors, the ones we lean on, the ones we depend on. And it's disconcerting to see them struggle - we want to think that they have all the answers...right now. What happens when they have career decisions to make? What happens when you are in financial negotiations? What happens when someone else holds the future of your family in their hands? This is where you must put your trust in the hands of your HoH. This is his job to handle the negotiations to the best of his ability and steer the ship in the best direction for your family. It is hard, and when you worry and obsess it is the same as saying you do not have confidence in your man.



I can speak on this with confidence because this is where we have been. I give Ward my deference in all things. It is my place to do so, and I relish the giving. There is talk periodically in blogland about layers. I've spoken before about being dismayed to feel I have given my complete submission, and finding another layer... finding a place of resistance... finding a place where I fail. This is my latest layer. People who administrate the process make promises and drag their heels, change the offerings, put things on the table that would cause our family to be separated. And instead of handing my worries to him, I allow distance to grow... so he cannot see my worry, don't you know.

Except that's not what is happening. I'm not shielding him. I am depriving him of comfort and support. I am not being his soft place to land. He needs to know I am in his corner. He needs to know that I trust him to make the right decision. He needs my confidence in his vision for our family. So my darling, I unclamp my fist, and I put this in your hands. I trust you to lead us. I open my heart and give you the love and the need that fed this fear. I acknowledge that this fear was unfounded, because you will always have this family in the fore of your mind. I submit my fear to you.

Worries are nothing more than little puffs of nothings when we are together, when we love and support each other, when we have each other's backs and the best interest of each other, our relationship and our family at heart.

HIS POV: 

June's trust and faith in me shake me to the very core. The thoughts of an HoH, the thoughts of a future more blessed are heavy and browsome indeed. Practicing and honing the art of deference, submission when it is not an easy thing to do is a crown of light unto June and a wreath of stars around her neck.  She is the apple of my eye and again my greatest blessing. The life I lead is not an easy one and I am not always such a easy man to know. Even on the hard days I recognize the effort that she places in her emotion and reaction to things that aren't always easy to hear or when perhaps fatigue has gotten the better of me.  She is always there, always trying, always deepening her submission and always quenching the rampant thirst of my dominance.

Layers of thoughts, dreams, worries, fears are only natural, especially when the sum of the future is held by a larger entity.  But that's it! In this I have found that with June's love, confidence, submission, deference, input, and energy and my determination, strength, dedication and commitment there is no wrong path... As long as she has my back, and as long as I can show her that I have the best interest of our family in mind. The future brings many questions but one thing that is not in question is our love... it grows bright and hot like a curling flame devouring kindling, it swells like a cresting wave, and quenches like cold water on a hot day. Responsibility is a burden, yes, but one that I bear with joy in my heart and determination to see my family lifted and blessed the best way I can.  I may yet continue in service to this country, I may exit and focus on education and the future while working to provide in many other ways...either way this is for my family, all of us, and I will not falter...

"Oh love! Where you are close, I'd hear the beating of your heart... My ear would hear the soft whispers of your heart... your worries, your dreams, I must demand them... I will take them and I will not fail you. I will guard your heart, as you would guard mine and in our love we will shake the very heavens." ~BTL

Worries, Dreams and Ideas

  Sometimes life inspires me.  Not always in ways that I would expect or seek.. and in that there is a certain kind of magic.  Of course there are the things that never fail to inspire or amaze, but sometimes the world around us, our children,  June, or just a pretty song can bring me clarity in the midst of an admittedly stressful life.  Our lifestyle aside, we are like a lot of working class American families and in today's world there is a lot a man has to consider.

I try to be thankful for the things that we have and not take for granted the small comforts and blessings that modern life affords. I try to remember that my family has indeed been blessed and we are light years ahead of where we were last year at this time.  Still even considering our numerous blessings, and how far we have come as a family and as a couple... Sometimes I worry that I don't quite measure up as a father.... (Yes, HoHs can have insecurities)  June has often reassured that I generally do a good job as father and husband,  but sometimes I guess that's just it, I want to give my family the best of everything, I know that that's perhaps not the most logical or even pragmatic view,  but in light of the recent tragedies and it being the holiday season, family has become even more important than ever.

 June and I have both often talked about our childhood experiences and we both agree that we want to give our children a better experience than either of us had. We try to give the kids the kind of positive environment that encourages and inspires growth and communication.

"Children have the right to dream, what will they become?  Where will they grow?  Will they know peace and satisfaction? When a child becomes an adult they learn what they where able to become and no matter how they wish they can no longer claim childhood innocence... No matter what let it be said that children have the right to dream." ~ BTL


We have also talked about our own future and many a lights-out conversation has included sharing our own romantic vision of life after the military, life after finishing school and of course the daunting task of relocating to new quarters.  We won't share all of our ideas but the discussions have in fact illuminated several interesting ideas and possibilities. This kind of soft, intimate conversation is something that I never had even in previous relationships and I never grow tired of it. The quiet hours when we share, communicate and inspire each other are a vital element of our interpretation of TTWD and D/s.

 Normally in my post I share a theme or idea with you, and I guess this post is not so very different. I would encourage you all to find or make a special time of day for you to share your worries, dreams and ideas.  Who knows what you might discover or learn.  Much of what I have learned and shared with June has come from this very special time of day. There is a wonderful warmth that comes from observing the beauty of her inspiration and the sparkle of her eyes when a new and wonderful idea illuminates her mind and lights the wick of her imagination.

Her POV: 

I don't think that Ward understands how simple are my needs, or the needs of our children. Tonight, we were all in the kitchen, making cookies, Daddy participating, sitting at the table with the boys, forming and decorating cookies, me hands in cookie dough, mixing...and weeping. I brought a tray to the table and wrapped my sticky arms around him and kissed him, and thanked him for giving me what I always wanted. Who could want more than that single, gorgeous, poignant moment of family togetherness.

In the living room, the boys playing video games with him, while I made the pizza for dinner, and once I popped it in the oven, came to join them till the buzzer rang. The youngest came and hugged me and said "Thanks for choosing him, mom. I love him, and I'm glad he's here with us." How much more perfect? He worries that he does... who knows what kind of magic...but he has performed the greatest of magics in healing three hearts, in giving us what we never thought we would have... someone to love us like that.

I love that time of night, it's the time that is just ours, no phone calls,no door bells, no  TV, no raucous laughter and play from the boys and their friends. Just he and I, touching, talking, kissing - yum - then spooning, his arm tight around me, our fingers intertwined. The dark can give that extra bit of courage for the difficult subjects. But it always ends well and sweetly, closer for the moment, the touch, the tenderness, the time we devote to being us.

Long before I knew him, I loved the idea of him. Now, he's here, and I love him with the fullness of my being, in a way that words can never express. I always will. 

When it's a Struggle

                                                   


 I'd like to start off by wishing you and your family a happy and healthy New Year.  With the bulk of the holiday season in the rear view mirror,  it's a good time to relax, and review some of the things we loved, and some of the things that caused the most stress during the holiday season and take stock of just where we stand in our relationships.



                                                   

  Do you ever struggle with TTWD/DD? I know I do. It may sound kind of odd to hear that coming from a HoH, but it's true. I try to handle things with the grace, consideration and kindness that is paramount to the position of Head of the House.  That is something that I haven't always gone into here, but believe me when say that, these things are of the utmost importance to me as a Husband, father, and leader.  It is important that I give June's feelings, thoughts, and ideas the consideration that they warrant, I also try to do what I can to take some of the day to day stress from her shoulders so that she can be at her best both at home and when we are away. Is any of this easy?  No, not always but it is worth doing.

One of my own biggest personal barriers to this is stress and fatigue. The holidays were truly wondrous, a beautiful time of giving and sharing, spirituality, family amidst a backdrop of the first truly white Christmas this man has seen in a long time. This was especially special for me as the holiday season  has traditionally been very difficult time for me.  June has helped me with this in innumerable ways, but prior to her and the boys, I would kind of hole up in my proverbial "crystal fortress" and stay there until well after the New Year. The holidays were indeed great, but after looking around it seems that I am definitely not alone in struggling with this time of year.

           

                                            

The struggle is why communication is of even more importance. TTWD/DD is a lifestyle that encourages communication and honesty and it is these roots that we must cling to when life becomes difficult. Indeed when stress threatened during the chaotic uproar of the holidays, I took June's hand and led her upstairs and just held her for a few min. Nothing fancy, just reassurance, connection and a chance to exchange words from the heart.  I fully recognize that it can be very difficult to find time to connect, but trust me when I tell you that if you find a way or make a way to do so, it will be time well spent.

When we struggle with this lifestyle, when simple thoughts sound different, when obedience is hard, when we are just tired, when we just want to retreat for a few min of quiet, when the kids become too loud, when we want to put up walls... We have to stop it before it even starts. Distance and confusion can only cause problems in the long-term, that's why it is far better to open up and talk before a tiny crack becomes a Grand Canyon. 

                                       

When we struggle, we have found that somtimes the best thing to do is to ask for help.  Putting the chores down, setting the soup to simmer, letting the kids figure it out for themsevles for a second and just getting to the heart of our problems, and doing what is best for the relationship.  Sometimes this means giving each other a little space and time to think and process. Sometimes it means my understanding that I didn't make the right choice and being cognizant of this and owning my mistakes.  Sometimes it means putting my pride aside and saying that I was wrong, somtimes it means apologizing and endeavoring to do what it takes to get where we need to be. Sometimes I have to be aware of when she needs me to take control and give her body and mind the release that they need.  Somtimes even when she hasn't broken a rule a good spanking can knock down walls and bring us closer and renew our dedication to what we have talked about and agreed upon. She knows the doors and my arms are always open... in the middle of the night, in the middle of the day. Even when it isn't easy it is what is real and right.

                                                               



When we struggle we are reminded of the need for true vigilance and dedication to each other and our values and the importance of giving and sacrifice even when it is not easy or convenient (which is extremely rare)  An HoH should be humble, wise, observant, kind-hearted, and a good listener. An Hoh's lady should be obedient, open, honest, and caring. Both should be diligent, truthful, dedicated, and have hearts that long for a deep and solid connection that can withstand the stress that life so often brings. I can guarantee that along with death and taxes, the New Year will bring stress and fatigue.  Will I be what June deserves? No, not always, but I will make every effort to give her the attention, time, and love that she needs to thrive.  We would encourage you all to find a way or make a way to work in a little bit of time just for yourselves when things get hard.  If you do nothing but tell each other how you really feel and work on getting where you both need to be it will be time will spent!  

                                                                          

Happy New Year!

                                                             

Her POV:

 Hmm, this was a good one, Daddy :) In the last post, I said that sometimes I need to take that sullenness and hold it back for the moment it takes to realize that what he does he does for our betterment. You know, that goes here, too. I have two jobs, am a full-time student and we have two special needs children. So sometimes taking that spoon out of my hand and turning down the soup is almost an act of war, lol. But When I stop and take a breath, and see myself spinning, and let myself feel what comes through his touch, yes, he is giving me the gift of release of urgency, the gift of dinner-can-be-10-minutes-later-take-a-breath-and feel-US. 

Sometimes I think people think that it is easy for us. But I think it's important to know that we work hard at this...every single day....because it is the most important thing we will ever do, for ourselves, and for our children. No, I am not the happy, glowy little Stepford Wife, I'm the girl with the inside of her cheek chewed up from biting back my knee-jerk reaction, from fighting the eye-roll till I can feel his motivation, and I can feel his desire for harmony, and I can pull mine out past my hurry-up. Is it worth it? Every single time.

Do I need him to take control sometimes? Absolutely...he's the big picture man. Do I need the super-hard-stingy-but-not-naughty-girl-spankings sometimes? Absolutely. They do break down the walls that come with day to day junk. Does he deserve me? Absolutely not....he deserves so much better. But he loves me, and I love him with my entire being. 

Happy New Year to all of you. Remember to stop, and take time for what is really important - each other.

Sensitivity and Knowing Our Partners...

                                                                         
                                         

                                        

                                                      

 Happy Holidays people!  June and I will probably be  enjoying holiday break soon and you know what that means.... Friends, Family, Food, Fun, and some much needed time to enjoy a little special time just for us.

We wish you much merry making, and a happy, safe holiday to you and yours! Expect to see a few sporadic posts here and there, but as implied we will probably be pretty busy as this time of year keeps everyone on their toes. I was in a holiday state of mind today and for some reason it occurred to me that the holidays can be a pretty stressful time for our partners and loved ones... I  thought it prudent to share a little about sensitivity. 

                                                         

                                                                        

  One of the greatest things that we can do for our partners is to be sensitive to their needs and thoughts. It isn't always easy to listen with grace, but often it is what is the most beneficial to our relationship. I've been with lady June for sometime now and I have a pretty good idea of what her needs are and how I can meet them. But you know, every now and again, June comes to me and it becomes very clear that the best thing I can do for her (and us) is slow down, take time and really hear her out. Sensitivity isn't always just about listening either.... sometimes it's about showing your partner that what is important to them is important to you too. After all, as with many things in life actions can speak a lot louder than words.

                                                  

I've never been one to make "recommendations" or try to make DD/TTWD a one size fit all application, but I think if all of us are honest, we can all agree that we could show our partners more sensitivity  and appreciation for what is important and special to them. Even the small things in life take on a new vibrancy when we share them with  the ones we love... One of my favorite things in the world is to lay in bed holding June in my arms, listening to the rain on our roof and talking about the day/week's events, sharing thoughts, fears, dreams and ideas.

I'm not unrealistic, and I don't expect June to have the same enthusiasm for some of the interests and hobbies that I have and I think June somehow knows that I think Twilight... well June knows how I feel about twilight!  Still, knowing what is really important and knowing who your partner is can bring you valuable insight into not only who your partner is, but their thought process, their emotional process and in general what they need to remain happy, healthy and functioning at the highest levels.


                                    

 I've shared some of these ideas with my coworkers and sometimes they look at me like I'm from another planet, but I really do believe in my heart that there is so much value in giving your partner the love and attention they need in order to be themselves.Spending time daily and devoting a bit of attention and effort to what makes our partners soul sing can bring a world of good to any relationship.




                                     

 

Her POV 

 

I have been blessed in Ward...yeah, I know you have never heard me say that before, I should really try to be more demonstrative, lol. I have never had a partner take an interest in the things that interest me, even though I have shared theirs with them trying to foster closeness. 

So...even though I know how Ward feels about Twilight, when the newest installment comes out, he'll wrap his arms around me and whisper, "Date night, lovey?" Have I told you how awesome he is?  And he doesn't sit there and denigrate it because he doesn't especially enjoy it, he makes sure that I have the best time, and makes it special for us before and after we are in the seats. When we have family movie day he and I sit there like a couple of best friends, holding hands and giggling at the jokes the kids don't quite get....Witchy Wieners :-P  For my part, I watch football with him and try to get him to teach me so I can share his excitement.

We strive to be very in tune with and to serve the needs of the other. We are  diligent and attentive, and we have a great appreciation because it's really the first time either  of us have had it. For me, it is the most amazing thing to be of consequence. It still takes my breath away.

We wish you and your families the happiest of holidays. We do plan to hibernate just a little, we have a bunch of posts in the can. But we went for months thinking that he would be under the sea about this time. So we plan full well to enjoy every moment with which God has blessed us...like chocolate on the tongue, rich and sweet.

Respect, Courage, and Learning to Lead by Listening

                                                     

  When you hear the word respect, it may inspire thoughts of  learning, reconsideration, contrition, love, discipline, courage, honor, or any of a number of other adjectives.  Respect is something that is earned, learned, honored and freely given. It should never be taken for granted or forgotten. 

  Sometimes respect isn't so simple as dominance and submission, sometimes, true, real respect is the measure of a man or woman. It can be the difference between the unspoken part of the truth,  and clearing the air. It can be the difference between little gestures that create fissures and gaps, and a full functioning partnership that effectively considers and weighs all factors without purposefully dampening or alienating the other person.

                                  

                                                                                                                                
                  
  In the light of dominance a man should learn that sometimes respect should guide his decisions, words and actions toward his wife and children. I cannot say what may be for others, but in my relationship with June, I make it a point to use and select my words with the utmost care. I know that sometimes my decisions and my words may not be easy to hear or accept, but I know that my demeanor, my attitude can influence the way conversations and expectations are received. Sometimes I know that I must do or say something that won't exactly be well received... but let's be honest nobody said that this life was easy or fair.  No, being in a DD marriage isn't for cowards or those that  are looking for the easy way out.

                                                
 Honesty is a pillar of any kind of strong relationship. Honesty's value lies in it's solidity and unyielding love and devotion.  Sometimes honesty stings and even hurts...but at least it's real. Respecting your partner enough to give them honesty in all things, even the small ones are important... having the courage to approach your partner when they are struggling and tell them the truth, even when you know that it is a sensitive issue  is easier said than done, but If you can't be honest with your partner, then how can you really be honest with yourself?  Respect, courage and honesty are all pillars of a healthy and thriving relationship... They test us all from time to time and we all become stronger due to their influence.  When we choose one we are choosing all three... Gone is the halfhearted conversation with the tv on, gone are the rolling eyes, gone is the interrupted speech and the "whatevers"  Cohesion, reciprocity, and a willingness to make things right when we mess up have granted June and I that something that cannot easily be described, it is like a warm blanket on a cold rainy day.  It is like ambrosia on the tongue, and relaxing music to the ear.

                                            

   We work at it every day... June gave me so many gifts in our relationship. She empowered me to lead. She welcomed my strength, didn't cower from my intellect, or run from my dominance.  Together we have learned and continue to learn much from each other. I know that I mess up sometimes... Sometimes being an HoH is a difficult thing. She sometimes tells me that I am harder than I need be on myself but I guess that's only because I want to do this right. I know that even when it won't be easy or fun, that I have a privilege, a responsibility and a calling to do the right thing by my family. June is also one of the strongest people I know and I know that even if it's something I don't care to hear that she loves me enough to be honest with me. Our respect for each other continues to grow and thrive in the wake of the world around us.

How many times have you been out with your partner and you noticed that vanilla couples seem so disconnected, even  when they are holding hands? How many times have you seen or heard people being rude or cruel to each other?   Maybe I'm just a fuddy-duddy but I think any man that calls himself husband or leader should never be so disrespectful to his wife or partner as to swear at her or bully her when she's trying her best... I also believe that no woman who calls herself wife or partner should ever be so self absorbed and disrespectful as to blatantly ignore his wishes, try to talk over him in conversation, or belittle and besmirch their relationship. Part of me pities these folks and would make a suggestion or two on what should happen and how communication should work, but I use these types of people as an inspiration for what I strive to never be as a husband and father. No it's not always easy, but even when it's hard, it is good, and it is real. 

                                                  

Strong leadership, love, and a dedication to treat each other right is something that any couple DD, TTWD, or otherwise can gain something so deep and pure from. These things are the foundation for a lifetime.



                                                                 


Her POV:
This is a topic that Daddy and I talk about all the time. I see things that make me shudder...you know that Ward is my Daddy...we have accounts on FetLife. A lot of the littles seem to take pride in being brats. It makes me uncomfortable. It's not who I am, it's not what I want to be, it's not what I want to give him. He deserves better than that from me. Even sometimes...one I read today... she found it hard to say - yes, Daddy - please, Daddy - thank you, Daddy. Gosh, no matter what kind of relationship you have, vanilla, D/s, M/s, D/lg....doesn't matter, those things are basic respect.

Respect implies connection, honesty, being open to your partner, not shutting them out. I've said it before, we've been out and come around the corner of an aisle and seen people fighting, snarling, voices raised, mean looks, or talking to each other with ugly words...it feels like an affront. I sink a little further into him. We live in a college town, at graduation last year, the streets were packed with people. The thing I noticed was the physical and emotional distance. No one touched, no smiles, no talking, no looking at each other, not connecting on any level. Out of all the thousands of people we saw, there was one couple holding hands, and they were so far removed from each other that their hands were at 90 degree angles to their bodies.

I am far from perfect, I got as little snappy last night, but when I realized it, I apologized, and he apologized for the statement that led me to react not so much as myself. And it turns out that he did because he was troubled by an exchange with a friend. But we had not crossed so far that we could not hear each other and communicate about the real issue and our little momentary rough patch.

I had a live in  example as to what I did not wish to be. The woman who gave birth to me had no respect for anyone. She thrived on denigrating people...every man she was ever with. It repulsed me. And I joked with my therapist on more than one occasion, I had no example of what to be...as a wife and as a mother....but I sure had very clear examples of what not to be. We are unfailingly honest with each other....if we are not, what do we have? We can let each other know that we were hurt, put off our feet, disarmed, upset...respectfully. Sometimes not in the moment, but later when we have out thoughts elucidated... we can ask to speak to our partner, and say "I was hurt/upset/didn't understand/need clarity on..." And we retain and enrich our relationship...we enforce that we can turn to each other.

He is my greatest blessing, thinking of what to write here, I am writing with tears streaming down my cheeks. I empower him to lead, and he empowers me to be who I am. He empowers me to express my heart in the soft way that feels good and natural to me. I have all my life been a step out of time. I am the Kool-Aid mom, loved the smell of fresh laundry, and flour on my face and clothing with the aroma of fresh bread permeating the air. I have had to carry my family before... alone....from the time I was about 5, thinking of how I could make peace in the house. When I was 9 and cooking, cleaning, paying the bills so it would get done, and through my first three relationships. I should be more, want more.... money,  promotions, status. I was the hamster on the wheel that drove me into the ground.
I longed for reciprocity, and I gave myself dry.

I am submissive to Ward...that is a gift because it is who I am. I only have to be exactly who I am - I can be soft. I can be vulnerable. And I am elevated, never looked down on or thought weak. To hear Ward say that I am strong amazes me. In bending to him, in surrendering the trappings of this society and the mask I was forced to assume, in yielding my will to him, I am stronger, and have a joy I have never known. I receive respect that I have never experienced before. I enjoy honesty that has been lacking all of my life. Courage? Ward is courageous, he says I am, but I don't know about that. I know that I am free from fear for the first time ever.

I don't know how much sense any of this has made. I am a jumble right now. So much emotion bubbling, so much love, so much respect for this man who lets me be, lets me feel, who love me, who lifts me up. You have worried, my love, that you are lacking, but you are more than I ever dreamed. You ARE the ideal that I cobbled from my needs, desires, hurts, hopes and dreams. You are honest, and I am completely without guile in your love. I am honored to call you my love, my heart, my man, my leader. I love you, simply, fearlessly, courageously, and with complete honesty.