Growth revisited

Before Daddy left for this last deployment he kept telling me that he was proud of me that I had really grown. I didn't see it, personally, but I thanked him. I thought he was doing the self-fulfilling prophecy thing - you know - if I tell her she has grown, she will grow.

While he was gone, I grabbed onto whatever I could to keep him close. I wrote every single day to keep him present for me and the boys, and to help him feel connected in a very foreign, isolated, lonely environment. I reread every single communication we had, cards, letters, notes jotted on the way out the door to appointments, and while we were not blogging at the time, I used journal entries to allow  me to process certain things.

Daddy and I do have a discipline dynamic. I have been corrected exactly once, disciplined lots of times - yes, there is a difference for us. Correction is what some would call punishment, and discipline is more or less for reinforcing our roles, what some might call maintenance.

I read back over my thoughts at the time, and the things I said to him and I felt like my heart had been cut from my body. At the time Daddy said I was not to beat myself up over it. We had cleared the air, and it was in the past. And for a long while I didn't. But looking back at it, and the things I journaled, I was, and am appalled and ashamed at how I treated this person who is my world, who I love and respect and trust to lead me. I apologized to him again, when he came home. I am ashamed to admit that I was cold and distant and ....not the June that I am at my heart. I don't know what possessed me. It is physically and emotionally painful to recall. I said after it happened that I would try to be better. With these months between I know that I am not that person anymore. This is something that I would never, ever do to my man again. He deserves so much better than that. I might never be perfect, but I can be better, I AM better.





Part of what Daddy said at the time was that I was forgiven, and that we would leave that behind us and we would learn and grow. And we have left it behind us, for which I am grateful. And I have learned, and I have grown. I can see it now, in retrospect. I'm grateful that I have a man, a leader who leads me gently and helps me to grow so softly that I don't even feel the growing pains.







I love you, my heart, my soul, my world, my man, my Daddy. I love that you love me regardless of whether I deserve it. I love that you change me for the better. I love looking towards the horizon with you. I love that we are stronger every single moment of every single day for all of eternity, and all that comes after.

Sometimes it's hard

...to be who we are, and not be with the person that we love. How in the world do you take up a burden that crushed your spirit before? How do you walk the world alone for periods of time? My God it's hard. It's not that the person has abandoned you, though in all honesty it does feel like it sometimes. As as you may have seen Stormy and I discuss on her blog, sometimes you get angry because you have decided to let this person lead, and then they are not there and the loneliness can be crushing.

Stormy asked me how I dealt with being award from my Ward. And I didn't really know how to answer that, because I don't always feel like I am as successful as I hoped to be. But there are things I do, to keep me sane. I carry a pad around with me, and I write, all the little details of our day. It helps us, the boys and I, to keep him present. We celebrated his birthday, went out to dinner, had a cake with his name on it, the boys blew out the candles. We took pictures to send. As much as it helps us to keep him present in our lives, I imagine it helps him to know that he is important enough to us that we do it, and he doesn't miss any little thing. I want him to know everything (yes, even if I am not shown in the very best light...yes, if I feel widgy or whiny, I tell him, he'll deal with it when he gets back - that's a relief for me, and perhaps for him, too... yes even when I break a rule - he's not here, but he's still my authority, and I owe him my honesty above all else.)



Know that his schedule underway is arduous. He doesn't work the same hours any two days. He has about 5 hours during which he can sleep, read, write, whatever he likes. So the letters from him are not as prodigious as they are from here. But I take those letters and I read them over and over, ever day. They carry his magic. They strengthen his presence in my mind. I always feel him. Sometimes my own emotions may threaten to drown him out. But those letters, they ground me, just like he does. I did a stupid thing, and I don't know why. I thought, maybe - and I acknowledge that I think too much sometimes - that if I read them too much they'd lose their magic. And I stopped reading them daily. And I started spinning like a crazy little battling top, bashing myself up against the walls of my own insecurities. When I gave in and read again, it was like slipping into a lovely, warm, comfortable embrace. The magic doesn't go away, it just gets stronger. So to Stormy, maybe ask Ogre to write a line or two when he can, or even an email (that's a luxury Ward doesn't have, unfortunately). And read them, they help.

But maybe the most important thing I do is remember why I love this man. And we have had this discussion. "What if I left the Navy, would you think less of me?" -  "How could I possibly think less of you, love? You are a good and honorable man. That won't change if you take off that uniform. You make that uniform mean something. It lends nothing to you. You lend it, and the Navy that it represents, your nobility, your strength, you honor, your character. But could you be happy? This was a choice you made, and I wouldn't have you change it for me." -  "I made the choice years ago, when I was a different man, when I was a single man and now I have a family to consider."

He is upright and strong. He is committed and honorable. I can't begrudge the thing that takes him away from me, because it is part of who he is, and part of what has formed him. It fulfills a purpose for him - to be of service to a country that he holds dear. It has refined his skills as a leader. It has afforded him an opportunity to practice his compassion and his fairness. And countless people have benefited from knowing him. The ripples of his goodness spread to the far corners of the earth.

Before me and the boys he may have had different reasons for doing what he did. Now what he does is a means to an end, of building a structure of a secure life for us. He doesn't do it because he wants to be away from us. He does it because he has a commitment. He does it because it will give us firm footing.

So, Stormy, I would say there are things you can do, like the letters, and things that keep him present - it does take work, it's worth it to feel him. And then examine those posts you make about what kind of man he is, why you love him, and how deep that love goes. And ask yourself, does he do this to be away? Or does he do it to provide things for you and your family? Does he do this to build a strong foundation for you? Ask yourself if maybe the distance is as hard for him as it is for you? Does he suffer insecurities that maybe he doesn't share? Read those things written about how very much you love him and ask if that good strong man wants - deserves - to come home to distance, or to a woman who adores him and relishes the time together, so that he can fall into his safe place to land.



I am trying hard to remember those things. I'm trying hard not to let that anger take root. When Ward walks off that boat, I want him to see my smile, I want him to see my love radiating out of that place like a homing beacon. I want him to know that I have felt him and his leadership and the structure of our lives, even in his physical absence. It's not an easy thing that we do. But if we do it well - well that's just one more reason to love us, one more reason to cherish us. I think, perhaps, that could just make us extraordinary.

Correction and Gratitude

Here is a subject that makes me squirmy, and I don't like to talk about, and I don't like to receive, and immediately puts
me in little-space (can we have the 'Doom' song please?)
...correction. And I only bring it up because Daddy has made several posts on spankings, and we kind of just brushed over this aspect.







Daddy does not like the term punishment, it has a negative connotation, it is about retribution rather than transformation. It implies resentment and distance. Daddy prefers the term correction. Correction implies putting something back on the right course, to wipe clean the slate and start fresh. It means that Daddy does not collect resentment stamps about my mistakes, and I don't collect resentment stamps that he delivered on his responsibility in a consistent and diligent manner.




Some people assume that if spanking is used in other ways in the relationship, or the submissive enjoys being spanked that it cannot be used effectively as correction. And again, this is what works for us, every dynamic is different, your mileage may vary. Spanking as a form of correction works for us quite effectively. When Daddy sits me on his lap and says he thinks we need to talk about _____ (fill in the blank), I feel incredibly contrite, and I am acutely aware of how my actions have affected our relationship. The fact that my behavior has disappointed him is nearly crushing. The spanking will be harder, faster, longer and more painful. It will not be fun. It will not be something I want to do again (not the thing that brought on the spanking, nor certainly not the spanking).

So now everyone is saying, okay, so where and HOW does gratitude come in? Daddy loves me enough to pull me back from destructive behaviors. He loves me enough to give me what I need. He loves me enough to drive the change, even when it is difficult for him (and correction IS difficult for the D-type). He values our relationship enough to keep us on the course we have set. He loves me enough to offer forgiveness, and show me how to forgive myself. He values us enough to pull us back from distance to reconciliation.

Even though it is unpleasant to experience, it has to be acknowledged that correction is given with the intent of regaining and maintaining closeness, and of deepening the relationship. Correction is meant to break down walls and resistance and move us towards forgiveness, a deeper trust  and better communication.

A Good Spanking or It's Not Easy Being a Spanko

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Spankings...

I would like to talk a bit about spankings... It seems the very word itself makes my mind, body and spirit react. Spanking is definitely a integral part of the life that June and I share.  We use spanking for many purposes, and indeed it finds much meaning and fills several different niches within each of us.

For me it is as easy and natural as walking or breathing air.   June has a taste for spanking that matches and if you can believe it nearly surpasses my own (nearly)... and with such a beautiful bottom how could I resist?

Truly spanking is a feast for the senses the crisp sounds of flesh against flesh (or wood, or leather or other material)  the soft scent of lavender (eau de June) and of course the beautiful sight of cheeks reddening and bouncing across the knee... indeed friends it is quite stimulating to say the least.

Spanking enthusiasts, also called "spankos" often find unique ways to incorporate spanking into their lives and relationships, some of the classic reasons for spanking within a relationship include

- Domestic Discipline
- Erotic Play or Exploration
- Corrective Punishment
- Motivation
- Fun
- Role Play
- Just Because (One of our favorites)

 In today's world there are so many resources  (keep your eyes peeled, we'll post some links here soon)
that make spanking safe and accessible to those interested. I would encourage you all to give spanking a try in your lives and relationship. June and I would be more than happy to answer any questions that you may have (feel free to drop me an off-line message).  We have found that spanking is a healthy, creative lifestyle that has many wonderful benefits, benefits that include

-  A Strong, Lasting Bond
-  A Healthy Libido
-  Substantially Fewer Disagreements or Arguments
-  A wonderful exploration and appreciation of each others body, mind, and spirit

 And I could go on and on, but point is, spanking enhances our love and brings us even closer together and with a little discussion and trial and error I am quite sure it can do the same for you!  Let us know if we can answer any questions!

Her POV:
Mmmmmmhmmmm, what he said! I should probably explain how Daddy and I met. We both belong to FetLife.com. I had pretty well come to the conclusion that there was no one whose particular kink matched mine. Face it, in the wide world of BDSM, the spanko is a fairly tame beast.

Like the more secular Facebook, FetLife lets you see what activities your friends engage in. One of my friends commented on one of Ward's writings, so I checked it out. It was perfectly lovely, and I dropped him a note, just to tell him that I found it uplifting. (Yup, I'm the weirdo who calls a store supervisor to say they received great service, or a restaurant to say that a meal was superb - I believe that people complain, but are too lax about giving praise. It's one way to spread grace.)

He responded and we struck up a friendship, and found lots of things in common. And little did either of us know it, we were connecting on a very deep level. I had no idea at that point that I had a little, and struggled shortly after that, coming to terms with that, but Ward saw it. and he drew her out. And it was nice to be unguarded with someone.

It was also lovely to share my hunger for physical sensation with Ward. I have craved spanking from a very young age. It's hard to find someone who shares that. I'm a very lucky woman to have Ward. Yes, it plays many roles in our life. Our favorite is the just because - the sun is shining, the day ended in "y", I sneezed - don't need a reason. It just feels good. And the spiritual connection is amazing. Then there are the days Daddy has a bad day at work, or I am so stressed I could scream. It helps to ground me. It helps me to feel my place, it helps me to feel Ward's authority, it helps me to feel Ward's love - he loves me enough to give me what I need. Erotically, wow, what can I say? The mere thought of being across Ward's lap does wild things to my body.

The discipline and corrective aspect, well that is part of any DD relationship. It's necessary, and I am grateful that Ward does not let me put distance between, that he loves me enough to pull me back, even when it is hard for him to do so. Yes, folks, discipline and correction is difficult, for the D-type as well as the s-type. My only wish is that even when it's hard that I can submit to Ward's wisdom with grace. Thankfully, those times are few and far between. Cause it's too much fun to be so serious all the time!

Fear

In my last post I spoke about negative emotions that sometimes come with accountability. In this post I wanted to address fear. People not in this kind of relationship may misunderstand the origins of the fear. They might think, if you fear being accountable, if you fear correction, why would you submit yourself to it? 

It's not the physical aspects of correction that brings fear. Frankly, spanking can be quite yum! Sometimes all I can think about is:

We are spankos, we enjoy it. We use it in play. We use it in discipline. It allows me to feel and reminds me of my place in our relationship, safe, protected, treasured, held in the palm of his hand. We use it in correction. It allows me to offer up my guilt and allows us to clear the air. Some people don't agree that if you regularly use spanking in play that it can be a useful tool in correction. Thankfully, Ward is of the same understanding as I.

So if we like it, how is it effective as an instrument of correction? And what is it that I fear if I don't fear these:

I fear knowing that I have disappointed not only Ward, but our relationship. I fear knowing that I have given less than my best. I fear:

And even here, Ward is loving and supportive. It is not me that is bad, it is the course of action that I choose which was undesirable. I am not a disappointment, my behavior was disappointing. 

The ritual, his voice, his words, his hands carry his message of love, diligence, leadership, reconciliation and unconditional love. He won't let the fear come between us. He will carry us from that fear back to peace and comfort and closeness.