Healthy Masculinity

                                         

 What makes a man a man? Is it a fondness for booze, sex, sports, video games? Is it  the clothes he wears or the size of his bank account:? Is it something deeper than that? Is it how he treat others? His wife and children? Well folks I'd say it's many things, and I'd like to spend a little time today discussing a need for men everywhere to stand up and make their voices heard. I was discussing this very topic with June the other morning and it comes to my attention that nobody's teaching  today's boys how to be men, and frankly that makes me sad.

In the media driven culture we live in, we are taught to adopt an ideology that says  that a healthy masculinity does not exist, that a woman can't be happy unless she "has it all"... you know the high-level corporate position, fictitious waist size, the mini-van.... all of it.  We are also sadly led to believe that  men are hapless, juvenile idiots who have no hope of managing themselves let alone their families... you've seen it, you know the commercial where the husband looks like a clueless adolescent.  Even the way we educate children ... during recess (which is sadly a dying concept) boys at play are unfairly branded as troublemakers and even simple games  that where once commonplace are often prohibited or unfairly vilified (cowboys and Indians, tag, capture the flag.)  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that  masculinity has become a downplayed and unwelcome concept in modern society.

                                                                         

 

                       

                           

 

I would call out to my HoH brothers and entreat them to display the benefits of their masculinity in their relationships.  Healthy masculinity is thoughtful, balanced, kind, and courageous. These qualities, when nurtured by the thoughtful accentuation of a loving TiH make for a complete relationship dynamic that provides for the emotional needs of everybody under the roof.  Personally the way I see it, the onus falls upon me as the HoH to ensure that I not only be unapologetic in my healthy expressions of manhood... I must also do it right... I must be an example to two growing boys and show them that the way one carries oneself speaks volumes not just about themselves, but their families as well.  I want to teach my sons that being a real man isn't about being the flashiest or loudest, it's not about treating others poorly or walking with a "swagger" it's not about being boastful, it's not about having a self-centered attitude... Being a man is about confidence, poise, intelligence, grace, kindness, RESPONSIBILITY, and with a grace and thoughtfulness that speaks to the quality of person he is.

I will also admit that I do have certain hobbies and pass-times... I am an avid sports fan.... (love basketball and football)  I love reading, I love to cook. I also understand that as the head of my home, that sometimes these hobbies and interests that I have accrued over a lifetime, need to be put aside in order for my wife and children to benefit from my presence. Family time also seems to be an area where many modern families struggle in a variety of ways.  Just as surely as a child needs a mother, a child surely needs a father. Sadly,  one does not have to look very far in order to see the evidence displayed in homes where a father or father figure is not present. It really does break my heart to see children, but especially young men adrift and rudderless without the guidance, mentoring and a strong but compassionate voice of experience that helps guide and shape them.  There comes a time when we must put away the things that distract us, sacrifice our time, energy, and attention and provide a better product to the people that depend on us. 

                                                   

Now that we've discussed the responsibilities of men, there are a few other things I would like to say to the Media, to society, to our school systems and yes even to ladies everywhere... There are some things that many men do that, to put quite mildly, are ridiculous. Being inattentive to one's loved ones is obviously wrong. Some of the things I mentioned in paragraph one go beyond basic irritation at the media and society at large.  I recognize that the male sex does have particular challenges,  but I guess my question becomes: Why do we expect boys and men not to be boys and men? It even starts at school on the playground, and I know I've previously mentioned this, but why is it so wrong to play tag or cops and robbers?  Some would say that the trouble comes when boys stay boys and never become men.  Those people would be right.

In order to galvanize and develop healthy masculinity in boys and enrich them to the point of producing quality men, we must all play a roll.  Realistic expectations, firm guidance, and leadership, both male and female is a requirement for male children.  Jumping forward to the future, men must recognize the characteristics that make masculinity important and relevant.  These are some of the things that a man, (especially a man in a DD/TTWD relationship) must espouse on a daily basis.

- Integrity

-Intelligence

-Honor

-Discipline

-Fidelity

-Courageousness

-Experience

-Love

-Thoughtfulness

These things and many more are what defines how a man is perceived by not just the world, but his family as well. By being thoughtful, thorough, and tangible we not only better ourselves and our families, we improve the world around us as well.

                                                                                             

Her POV:

      

 Ward is without a doubt the finest man I have ever known. He is kind, he is sweet, he is considerate, he is empathetic and compassionate. He is strong, and he is unquestionably the leader of this family.

You will have heard me say before that he is possessing of quiet command. He is not loud, he is not boisterous, he is not vulgar. He doesn't have to be. The man only needs to walk into a room to garner attention. He exudes confidence and a certain very masculine magnetism.

He would, as the song says, walk on water, walk through fire, and literally give up his life to be all that he could. My Daddy is a man who does not need to sing his own praises (I'll do that for him), he proves in every thought, every deed, every word, ever action what kind of a man he is, and the great capacity of his heart.

He took a woman so broken, and he made me whole. He took two children with greater than average challenges, and he loved them in a way they have never, ever been loved by another man. He is teaching them about truth and integrity and honesty, and what a man's word means. Daddy is the greatest gift I have ever been given, and because the creator saw fit to put him in my life, I am able to give our children a gift of immeasurable value.

The ripples of my Daddy's strength and goodness will spread gently through the future in the actions of our sons, who learned what it means to be a man in the heart of this man I love with my all.

Asking for Help vs Topping from the Bottom

                                                    

                                               

Today I would like to spend a few min talking about two topics that I feel can have profound effects on  DD/TTWD relationships. Topping from the bottom and asking for the help we need in order to not only function properly, but to feel comfortable in the roles of our dynamics.

Topping from the bottom is more than simply making a suggestion or two during the discourse of expressions of dominance and submission, spanking, maintenance or other activities designed to enhance our relationships, clear the air, maintain or express roles. Topping from the bottom is also emotional manipulation, talking over someone else, being deliberately passive aggressive, emotionally distant and or blatantly disobedient.  Thus defined, it becomes clear that topping from the bottom is a huge negative that cannot be allowed to create distance or emotional unrest.

                                                 

I guess from my own HoH perspective, I find it to be indicative of a lack of attention properly applied and paid to the one that we love the most.  I try very hard to make sure that I give June the attention that she needs in order for her to feel loved, confident and assured.  A cursory glance throughout the DD/TTWD/Spanking  lifestyle and relationship universe confirms that in many instances topping from the bottom occurs in a disrespectful and unhealthy fashion as well as disturbing frequency.

Topping from the bottom in a TTWD/DD relationship is not only disrespectful and rude, but it often times masks real emotions and hides the needs of all of those represented. When the time comes to express my role in our relationship I understand that I must be remain emotionally available, attentive and prepared to receive June's needs. Even when there is a need for correction or stress release, I know that more than just giving her what I wish her to feel, I must use my judgement to ascertain  what will be of the most benefit to not only her, but our relationship as well.

I am sometimes humbled and left in awe of the great gift of trust and responsibility that she places in my hands and I assure you ladies and gentlemen, that none of that is lost on me. I know that it takes a  whole lot of trust for her to be able to believe in me, and my intentions for not just her heart and mind, but to trust that I will give her body what it needs, no matter how difficult that may be to accept or go through. I really am humbled by this responsibility and would pass these values along to other men in the pursuit of  happier, healthier relationships!

                                        

Lets talk about physical application for a few moments... sometimes simply allowing ourselves to feel each other requires us to look where it's dark, where we have trouble, where we struggle. Sometimes the things that we need are difficult and navigating these issues with grace requires strength,  a ear that listens and the kind of deep honesty that doesn't sugar coat things that aren't easy to hear... This one goes both ways, by the way... Sometimes the greatest gift that June has given me has been her honesty... Her honesty when it would have been easier to do less, or to put the paddle down and scoop her up into my arms before she released the negativity and the walls had come down, but as we all know, what is easy and what is right are two different things.

The actual act of spanking always requires thought and action, but when the impact that is needed is more emotional than physical, it pays to consider every action, word, thought and deed. From the implements we use (yes even the ones that we don't like so much) to the positions (you know, the ones that help us feel the most submissive)  has to be thought out with thought and care.  Kind words, a soft touch following intensity, and an obvious display of affection and love are all very much required.  In truth you might say that  physicality is easier than emotion and thought and you would very much be right to say so. The physical expression of dominance and submission is just the active expression of two hearts longing to be in sync, indeed sometimes, a firm hand and rod wielded firmly with compassion and love helps to "Tune up the band" so to speak.

                                                      

I have known June long enough to understand her emotions and the way she expresses them. I try very hard to be attentive to her heart, mind, and body and generally speaking I hope that I do a good job of this. Sometimes though, I know when she has a hard time, that I need to be open to her expressing her need for help.  Help in feeling herself, in feeling me. The need for safety, warmth, and security when perhaps things aren't going well with work, school, the kids or life in general.  These are the times that she ask for help, I keep that door open and allow her to come to me anytime.  I guess the difference lies in intent.  Asking for help, and topping from the bottom differentiate themselves. Asking is proactive, asking is acknowledging that we are indeed not superhuman and that at times we need our partner to reach out, take our hand and lead and that despite what life has taught us, despite what the media portrays that it is in fact okay to do so!

We would encourage everyone to ask for help when they need it... It takes strength, heart and a willingness to acknowledge our own weakness, but there in lies the true strength and beauty of our relationships... To do so is to gain ground, growth and emotional providence in the face of stress, adversity and negativity.

                                                   

I'll end by saying that sometimes the hardest things to do are the ones that help us grow the most as a couple. I know that none of these things are easy, but I solemnly promise that they are worth every ounce of time, effort and self-exploration!

                                                                  

                                            

Her POV:

Before we were us, when we were still 'just friends' I asked Daddy if it was okay to ask for something...to try something, for more if needed, for action when it was needed and none seemed forthcoming, or if that was topping from the bottom. He said that no, he did not see it as topping from the bottom to present a need to your Dominant. You are merely helping him to know you and your needs. And you are not making demands, you are simply presenting him with your needs, which is what you are supposed to do... asking him to meet your needs.

The first time we were together, in the cuddling afterglow, I shared with him that he could spank harder. And he did. He wouldn't have known what I needed if I had not shared, but the application was entirely up to him. It was only providing a tool for him. I have continued to share, and he has learned me. I don't need to make as many requests. Because we have open honest and consistent communication, he is able to read my body language, the tone of my vice and give me what I need.

Had I manipulated, had I not been open and honest in expressing my needs he would not have an honest gauge. Manipulation is insidious, and sometimes too easy to do, and in my opinion comes from fear to open ourselves. If I am afraid to tell him I need something, I may think that if I mope, or cry or sigh that he will interpret that I need something. That doesn't always work, and it is manipulative, manipulating his emotions rather than simply saying, "Love, can you please help me, I feel..." Or even, "I don't know how I feel, but I'm not me, and I need to feel your Dominance. Or I need to feel my place. I need to feel safe and cared for. Please help me." It expresses humility, vulnerability and trust.

I am an emotional girl. I have lots of baggage. I have things I feel that I don't always understand. I often feel less, bad, scared. If I were not always honest with him when I felt that way, if I did not ask for his help to find my way through, is that not breaking one of the most fundamental rules of DD? To withhold my heart and my needs from him would be dishonesty, by design and/or omission. Not healthy, and knowing that there was something there and trying to get his reaction without honest communication? - that's topping from the bottom.

I am grateful that he allows me the honesty to give him my heart and my fears and my needs I submit them to him, and I put my trust in him to lead me through.

Accountability for him...

                                                    


I'm not a perfect person... there are, in fact, many things that I wish I didn't do. But I have been blessed to have found someone who can love me despite my insecurities and faults. I think with the Title, Honor, and Privilege of calling oneself and being called HoH comes a massive amount of responsibility.  A lot of times in TTWD, DD, CDD, LDD and just plain old spanking relationships it's easy to see the system of accountability for one side of the relationship, but what about the other? In my growth and discovery, I have learned that for us it is vital for me to be accountable in my actions not just as the HoH, but also as a man and a relationship partner.


I'm sure I don't need to tell anyone that we do not switch, and we think our system works for us, but I would also like to illustrate a few things about our relationship that I think help me be the man that June needs for me to be, even when it isn't easy for me or when life gets stressful.  

                                                                                                                                         

                                      

1.  Distance is not acceptable and  has to be put down quickly, wanting a little space to work things out is fine, but distancing is not.

                                                    

2.  Sometimes  a cooler head has to prevail, once words come out of the mouth, they can't be taken back in again regardless of apology or intent  (I have to remind myself of this and be mindful of the thoughts in my head)

3.  I can't ask June to do something when I know that I can't,

There are other rules, but I think these illustrate the need for a HoH, Husband, partner to not just be an enforcer, but to be accountable to the relationship's standards as well. How does that happen?   dig deep, I think of  the good of the relationship and when I am wrong I own up to it.  I try not to be that guy that can't admit when he is wrong. I won't go into specifics but not very long ago, something came up and I totally screwed up. They say hindsight is 20-20 but I find myself looking back with the knowledge that I must work on my communication and make things right before the sun goes down. We had a long talk about what happened and we both learned a few things that will help




                                                               





I am not always right, and I love getting June's view.  When I make decisions for us, when I discipline her, when we communicate, love is always at the center and the relationship comes before anything else, not my ego, not a inexplicable and incorrect need to be right, not to make myself feel like I'm above her... My motivation for self-accountability is our love.

                                                        

Her POV:
This is something that I need to get used to. I have never had a partner that accepted responsibility, and when things went wrong I just redoubled my efforts, and of course, there was no reciprocity.

When Ward apologizes, I will be honest, it kind of makes me uncomfortable, I don't know what to say to that. It's one of those open-mouthed flappy lip moments. I am stunned that this man loves me enough to ... well do what I do for him. That sounds silly, I now. And when the shock wears off, my heart overflows with love. He loves me - he values me enough to ask my forgiveness. And I give it as freely as he forgives my copious weaknesses.

That's another place where grace is needed, in accepting his apology, because I felt that he was within his right to react as he did. It would have been easy to brush off his apology. But he needed my grace, he needed my forgiveness. And as much as it helped him grow, it helped me as well. I am learning that I am not in this on my own. I have for the first time in my life a partner, someone who sees me and values me and who cherishes that which we are building together.

When I was a young boy, my imagination took me to....

When I was a young boy my imagination took me to heights unknown and I dreamed the grandest dreams.
Children have the right to dream, and dreams, they look to the future with an exuberance and anticipation and appetite that they may never see again, Once a boy becomes a man, he learns what he could become and he can no longer go back to being a boy...  Yes, children have the right to dream.



  Who I am is a question that haunted me for many years, throughout my teen years and my twenties, who I am was a question that often brought fear, uncertainty and unconfidence. Like so many others, my life has not always been kind and truth be told, I haven't always made the best decisions. This wonderful lady that I call mine has been my greatest blessing and I thank the Lord everyday for her. She is my source of comfort, my lover, my greatest friend, and my helper and my mate.  The beautiful gift of her submission gives me a confidence that I never knew and it inspires me to be my best.  Her love makes me a better partner, a better father and a better leader for our family unit.  

That question that haunts me?  I look back at the soft spoken, studious gentleman and I think I can answer

I am:

- A proud father      

- A teacher

- A provider

- A friend

- A lover

   

I think this life, this lifestyle, TTWD has given me many things I may have never discovered what was waiting inside, Our love blossoms and with every second of every day I pause to appreciate our considerable blessings.  We may not be on top of the financial heap, but I think what June and I share makes us one of the richest couples of all!

Her POV:
I have never been a woman who valued material things. Things just don't matter, I would be hard-pressed to name something that was purchased new - new to us, but not new. I'm a crafty dresser-upper. I have known people with measurable wealth, and the finest of possessions, and a pervasive sadness, loneliness and sometimes a coldness that is palpable. Ward and I are incredibly rich, it is luxuriant, and immeasurable. It is something that emanates from our family and shines like a beacon. It creates a warmth that other people see and feel and gravitate towards.

Our children were not born of our great love, I brought them with me into our relationship. Ward embraced them as his own, and they have a mutual admiration society going on. They were missing a positive, strong, principled man to emulate. Then Ward came into our lives and everything changed. I was no longer alone and our children... they have the finest example to pattern themselves on. I have always been proud of them, I am so incredibly proud of my man, and of the men we will give to this world.

And my Ward? He is most definitely my greatest blessing. He has a gentleness, a sweetness, a compassion that draws me out of the tightly walled fortress behind which I had hidden myself. With him, I feel myself blossoming - every single day. And when I walk into our home of repurposed things, painted and covered and pre-loved, I feel the richness of the air. Then I lay eyes on my Daddy, sitting like a king on our sofa, our children doing stunts then climbing into his lap, or clambering for him to 'carry me!' or 'roll me up!', and I hear the elegant music of their laughter mixing and dancing around me and I know that I am wealthy beyond belief. I would not trade my life for anything in this universe.

Who we are - for Anonymous

This is another post that I had a seed for, but not nearly enough content to do anything with. Well, recent developments in blogland have given me the direction to go with my seed thought.

In the past weeks our community has been accused of being false Christians, we have been accused of being disgusting, we have been accused of using our lifestyles to fly in the face of the principles of freedom for which our military fights, we have been accused of being perverts. These accusations  have come always from an anonymous poster, who in some circumstances has proposed to be a Christian. The language used is vigorous, in some cases offensive, and it is always aggressive.

"I am giving you a new command. You must love each other just as I have loved you. When you love each other, everyone will know that you are my disciples." (John 13:34-35)

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)

So, anonymous, let me tell you about the people in this, our community, people you do not know, and people you feel qualified to judge. We defer to our husbands. We respect and honor them with our actions and our words. They in turn honor and protect us. We have an uncommon understanding and communication in our relationships and our families.

We do not judge our friends. When we do not understand, we ask. We may share the practice of submission to our men. but our expressions of that submission are vastly different. We listen to each other, and while we may not subscribe to another's expression, we do not criticize. We see the beauty in their way, and can understand and appreciate their authenticity.

When we misunderstand each other, or when we believe that we have wronged, or offended another, be it our partner, or a friend, we apologize- sincerely. We make peace. We extend our hands. When our friends are hurting, we gather and express our support. When our friends are attacked, we gather the wagons. We are a community.

So, anonymous, if the choice is to be counted in a community of people bristling with self-perceived righteous indignation, or into this community of false Christians, disgusting, perverts - I will clearly stand with this group of people who show more honor and grace in a single interaction than you have managed to spread in days.

HIS POV:

Truly what June has said resonates with my own personal feelings and the true essence of our relationship and our relationship to other fine folks within this small but wonderful community.  I have learned so very much about life from this beautiful lady that I call mine, she has taught me to be a better man, a better leader, and to be a source of support for our brothers and sisters in this fine community.  I am not as familiar with some of you, and I am not quite as prolific in posting, but I look forward to fixing that, and I promise that I will always be an open ear for you all, I want to thank you for your staunch support of my blog and my lady, both of which have been a truly invaluable source of inspiration and knowledge to us both.

To Anonymous:

Sir or Madame, I hope you have learned something.  I really do,  it would be easy to be angry or crass with someone such as you.

I mean you make it hard to be civil, especially when...

- I don't appreciate your general rudeness
- If you where so bothered by what you found here why did you come?  This is not the kind of blog you find by accident.
- I would defend my Lady's honor staunchly and completely
- If you read anything about us or our blog you would know better than to post what you did.
- I would have you think twice about attacking someone on the basis of faith, you know nothing of me or my commitment to my faith and spirituality.  I am a Christian man and I work to honor my commitment to my spirituality, my family and my community

I pity you, and instead of vinegar I offer you wisdom and kindness.  In this strange and beautiful world you will find people of many sizes, colors, creeds, religions and orientations, you may not condone what they do, approve of their lifestyle or agree with them in general, but there is one thing you can do.  Treat everyone you encounter with dignity, respect and kindness... If you can do these things you will grow as a person and improve the world around you exponentially.

Insecurity revisited

I did a post a little while ago on insecurity.  I know lots of us have rules about insecurity, putting ourselves down and negative self-image. For a while I thought I understood why that was. Obviously being negative in any measure over any issue is not healthy. It doesn't help us grow. And I thought well, my insecurity was about questioning his taste. 'I wouldn't choose anyone not worthy'.

Lots of times I am occupied with a task, and a thought will drop perfectly formed into the center of my vacant little mind. So there I was, happily (well, not really, but it has to be done...) cleaning the upstairs. As I was on my hands and knees, cleaning woodwork, that perfectly shiny, worked smooth and round little thought, dropped right in the center of my conscious thought (makes you wonder about how my mind works, huh? Join the club, I'm baffled, too!).

It's not anything to do with thinking he'd be offended by my questioning his taste. When I think that I am not enough, when I think that I am not attractive, when I worry that I am not pleasing, I am not doubting my loveability. I am doubting his veracity and his sincerity. I am doubting his love. That looks a whole lot worse than doubting myself.



I love him. I trust him with my life, literally. Yet I miss drawing into myself the truth of his words and the depth of his feeling - 'You are beautiful. You complete me. You make me proud.' and letting them take root.



To my Daddy, I am sorry, dear true love. I did not realize that my doubt which reflects my fear about myself, reflected  a doubt in you that does not exist. You are the one solid thing in my world. You are the one person that I have ever been able to trust. So I will allow those truths of your heart seed and take root in mine. And I will allow my trust and faith in you polish away my doubts in myself.

I am beautiful, because my heart is without guile, and because I reflect the greatest love I have ever experienced. I am enough, because somehow I fill the emptiness in you. Like many things in this life, I don't have to understand it, only to accept that that is the way of it and it sweeps me up in wonder.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 30

Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

For the first time in my life my need to submit is being met beyond my wildest dreams. It is the most fulfilling, uplifting, feminizing feeling to be able to give him my submission and have it received with awe and gratitude. Then I want to give more and he gives more and it is this absolutely gorgeous, growing cycle of symbiosis.

Nothing will come between Ward and myself. We are too committed. Could I be happy without being able to submit? No. I find incredible fulfillment being Daddy's girl. I have honestly never in my life been as happy, as fulfilled, laughed as much or with as much abandon as I do with Daddy.

What makes submission special to me is having my submission accepted, and seen as the gift that it is, by a man of honor, with a strong gift for leadership, gentleness, kindness, compassion, empathy, and vision.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 26

What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Quiet command, sincerity, honesty, trustworthiness, dependability, wisdom, kind, compassionate, empathetic, reasonable, courteous, honorable, appreciative, self-disciplined, courageous, generous of heart & spirit, constructive, tenderness, respectability, gracious, romantic, humility, confidence, consistent, sense of humor. In a word - Ward. He is all this and more.

They are all pretty much deal-breakers. If my partner does not possess self-control how can he lead me? If I cannot respect him, how can he lead me? If he cannot value himself, how can he value me? If he cannot value me, how can I follow him? If he does not inspire trust and confidence, how can I follow him?

For me personally, Ward has said that I have qualities of submission that he has not seen. But the way I see it, the way I feel it, I respond to the incredibly positive Dominant qualities he possesses. If he were a lesser man, my submission would not be as complete. If his manner was that of a  blustery, chest-thumping 'dominant', I would respond with barbs and bristles - well we would not even be Ward and June. I do not respond well to an abrasive manner.

10 - wait 20 - oh no 30 - okay 34 Things I love about Daddy (in no particular order)

1. His heart
2. His soul
3. His mind
4. His open heart
5. His body (dang my Daddy is FINE!)
6. His voice (what that does to me!)
7. His smile
8. His lips (YUMMY)
9. His scruff! (YUMMY)
10. His arms
11. His hands
12. His scent
13. His shoulders (SWOON)
14. His lap (on and across)
15. His sense of humor
16. His laugh
17. His dimples
18. His eyebrows (like to bite 'em - don't ask - it is an unexplainable compulsion)
19. His stories
20. His patience
21. His sense of fairness
22. His courage
23. His honor
24. His grace (of body, mind, heart, soul)
25. His character
26. His chivalrous nature
27. His heartbeat under my ear
28. His sense of fun
29. His leadership
30. His love for me and our family
31. His yummy desserts
32. His honesty
33. His virtuous nature
34. His acceptance and support