Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Accountability for him...


                                                    


I'm not a perfect person... there are, in fact, many things that I wish I didn't do. But I have been blessed to have found someone who can love me despite my insecurities and faults. I think with the Title, Honor, and Privilege of calling oneself and being called HoH comes a massive amount of responsibility.  A lot of times in TTWD, DD, CDD, LDD and just plain old spanking relationships it's easy to see the system of accountability for one side of the relationship, but what about the other? In my growth and discovery, I have learned that for us it is vital for me to be accountable in my actions not just as the HoH, but also as a man and a relationship partner.


I'm sure I don't need to tell anyone that we do not switch, and we think our system works for us, but I would also like to illustrate a few things about our relationship that I think help me be the man that June needs for me to be, even when it isn't easy for me or when life gets stressful.  

                                                                                                                                         
                                      

1.  Distance is not acceptable and  has to be put down quickly, wanting a little space to work things out is fine, but distancing is not.

                                                    



2.  Sometimes  a cooler head has to prevail, once words come out of the mouth, they can't be taken back in again regardless of apology or intent  (I have to remind myself of this and be mindful of the thoughts in my head)

3.  I can't ask June to do something when I know that I can't,

There are other rules, but I think these illustrate the need for a HoH, Husband, partner to not just be an enforcer, but to be accountable to the relationship's standards as well. How does that happen?   dig deep, I think of  the good of the relationship and when I am wrong I own up to it.  I try not to be that guy that can't admit when he is wrong. I won't go into specifics but not very long ago, something came up and I totally screwed up. They say hindsight is 20-20 but I find myself looking back with the knowledge that I must work on my communication and make things right before the sun goes down. We had a long talk about what happened and we both learned a few things that will help




                                                               





I am not always right, and I love getting June's view.  When I make decisions for us, when I discipline her, when we communicate, love is always at the center and the relationship comes before anything else, not my ego, not a inexplicable and incorrect need to be right, not to make myself feel like I'm above her... My motivation for self-accountability is our love.




                                                        














Her POV:
This is something that I need to get used to. I have never had a partner that accepted responsibility, and when things went wrong I just redoubled my efforts, and of course, there was no reciprocity.

When Ward apologizes, I will be honest, it kind of makes me uncomfortable, I don't know what to say to that. It's one of those open-mouthed flappy lip moments. I am stunned that this man loves me enough to ... well do what I do for him. That sounds silly, I now. And when the shock wears off, my heart overflows with love. He loves me - he values me enough to ask my forgiveness. And I give it as freely as he forgives my copious weaknesses.

That's another place where grace is needed, in accepting his apology, because I felt that he was within his right to react as he did. It would have been easy to brush off his apology. But he needed my grace, he needed my forgiveness. And as much as it helped him grow, it helped me as well. I am learning that I am not in this on my own. I have for the first time in my life a partner, someone who sees me and values me and who cherishes that which we are building together.






17 comments:

  1. Great post. Thanks for sharing it.

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    1. Thanks, Blue Bird :) And you're welcome!

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  2. This is really a great post about the accountability of HoHs, because it is such a dichotomy in power in this lifestyle. Ian and I have talked about it a little, and in the beginning it was a real issue. I felt like there needed to be some way to mediate differences, and I felt like Ian had all the power. I don't feel that way anymore, I think it is noticing how heavy the responsibility is for him to be the HoH.
    I make mistakes, and he corrects them, but sometimes I see that he doesn't want to. And then it is over, I am worry free and he is left to deal with the issues that are in the wake of what I might have created.
    And when he makes mistakes, he seems harder on himself than I could ever be.....it isn't easy, this HoH job and I couldn't, wouldn't want it.
    Thanks for your perspective too, June. I guess that is true, reacting to an apology is awkward but important. I can see that my reaction, when it has happened is important to him.
    A lot of food for thought here. Thanks, lillie

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    1. Thanks, Lillie. It is a dichotomy. We haven't talked about it in depth really I don't think. Just that I understand that leading is hard - only because I had to be the leader for so long before him, and I know it's exhausting. And he is definitely harder on himself than I could ever be.

      And I accept his apology, but I still think that he was within his right, I was snarky. I don't like being like that - I don't like feeling like that. And I know I am pretty submissive, but not so much so that were he wrong I would not say so, but truth be told it was a machination attributable to the both of us. We bore equal fault. I am grateful that he is the kind of man that takes responsibility for his part- I've had plenty pf experience with men who did not - though I don't hold him to blame.

      Most important thing is we learn and grow...every day....maybe especially in times like this.

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  3. Lovely post, i think its sometimes easy from a submissive point of view to look to the dominant to make everything right, but reality is mistakes happen on both sides, its far better to talk over and examine the mistakes, to learn from them than to brush them aside. Accountability is important for both.

    x

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    1. Oh, I absolutely agree, tori. We were both a pool of swirling emotions, and we needed that communication to help us sort things out for each of us individually, and for us as a couple. It's messy, it's painful, but we're stronger for it. That's part of the beauty of TTWD, isn't it?

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  4. Another great, thought provoking post. Mistakes do happen from time to time and how they are handled is important. I also like June's comment on accepting and apology and grace. The way we accept an apology is equally important.

    Definitely some food for thought. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Thanks, Roz. Yes, it was easy to say you don't need to apologize, I was wrong and it was deserved. I know how important his forgiveness is to me, even in the the times when he doesn't think it needs to be given because he doesn't see something as badly as I do, but he gives it, because I need him to. And he talked more and I saw in that moment, that he needed my forgiveness.

      My favorite concepts in TTWD are reciprocity and grace. They are a constant flow of energy that feed us. So in that moment I came to understand that my grace is not only in acceptance of his leadership, but also in acceptance of his apology and his need for having the slate wiped clean for him, in my flowing back to him in a different way.

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  5. Nobody is perfect and it's important to remember that in any type of relationship. We are only human after all:)

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    1. Yes, Tess, funny thing is that's what he says to me all the time - you're only human, love, I don't expect you to be perfect. And I had to remind him of that this time :) (but really he is perfect for me!)

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  6. I have a hard time accepting apologies from Master as well. I don't quite understand it though. I will
    argue to get him to see my point of view and then when he does and apologizes (not all the time - sometimes I am just plain wrong) I get uncomfortable with it. I suspect it's because I never bothered to communicate enough in my previous relationships to ever give the other person a chance to see where I was coming from.

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    1. It's odd, dancingbarez, it's not like I don't believe that he never needs to, it's just that in those particular circumstances, I believed that I bore the greater responsibility, but I can see that he felt the same. I guess the whole idea of TTWD is to give us ways to facilitate communication and healing, and as much as we have to be open to their dominance and leadership, we have to be open to giving as well as receiving forgiveness.

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  7. Great post. There is a power shift of course but to be effective leaders they must hold themselves to some pretty high standards themselves. I don't think I would want their job either. Thanks for writing Ward.

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    1. Ward is an amazing man, an amazing leader, an amazing HoH. I certainly wouldn't want his job - I'm a handful! LOL. He does it with honesty, love and honor, and proves every second that my trust is not misplaced.

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  8. great post. i'm linking to this on my FF :)

    BIKSS often tells me he has nothing to gain by not admitting that he did something badly. not even just in our relationship, but when he's made a mistake at work or something outside of us, he tells me too. i'm surprised cos no other man i've been with has been so ready to stand up and take responsibility for something he did wrong. The others were always quick to blame someone else or brush the whole thing off as being silly or stupid or whatever.

    thanks for sharing!

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    1. I think that's why it caught me like deer in the headlights, Fondles, I've never experienced it before. It is like walking into an episode of the Twilight Zone, and you're looking for the stagehands waiting to pull the rug out from under you. But as always, there was only my honorable man, and his heart and his love.

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  9. @ Everyone - Thanks everyone for taking time to read this particular post. It was a bit more personal than we usually get, but June is right, I felt convicted, like I needed to improve. I believe in being progressive and responsive.... For the first time in years, I feel like I am doing just that... It's a whole new world and new day and I owe it all to sweet lady June.

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