When I first started seeking TTWD, I didn't know that I was seeking TTWD. I had no name for it, I knew what I wanted, what I needed, but I had never, in the available outlets seen it talked about. I started exploring where I could envision searching, in the realm of BDSM. It had some elements, but it did not satisfy that deep hunger, and was somewhat more ....intense than I wished to go. I searched the spanking sites, and the Christian DD sites (yes there are some). But most of the contact I received were for hook-ups. I am not a hook-up kind of girl. I need substance, and I need depth and longevity. If I am to give this much of myself to another, should that not be there?
I did play with several people, non-sexually, impact play only, there was not enough there to wish for more in depth interaction. I had very strict limits, I said no a lot, but within the context of consent I was anticipatory.
I heard a phrase repeatedly, one that you heard Daddy say in the last post, "natural submissive". I did not understand what that meant, so I googled it - (Google is our friend). This is what I found:
A natural submissive is born with a submissive nature. A need to please others. This need and submissive tendency goes beyond sexual gratification. It is in their nature to please others, and they will readily give up their control to another with very little or no urging from their dominant.
I did pretty much come this way. I don't know if it is a natural inclination, or one that was instilled in me, trying to win the love of a woman who was not capable of giving it, or to find someone who would be pleased just because I existed. If I heard you say you liked a particular dish, I would learn to make it. If I knew you were tired, you'd come home to a clean house. If I heard you talking about a health concern and you couldn't connect with a doctor, I would research it. I need to be able to make things right, to make things easy for people - whether I like you or not. I always just attributed it to a sense of fairness, no on e should suffer if someone can help, which is why faerie's post A Sub By Any Other Name really struck a chord with me.
You've heard me say before, I'm just me - perfectly imperfect just me. I had a friend, who took umbrage at the fact that I do find submission easy - a lot of that has to do with who Ward is. I think submission is a choice. It is certainly my choice, and for me a relief to be able to be who I am, to not have to bear armor that wearies me. She would say that not all of us are perfect. I said I am certainly not perfect. And truth be told, I have a great deal of respect for women who struggle with their submission. To my it's as though when something costs you something to give, it has more value, if that makes sense.
I ask Ward all the time, what does he get out of this? Because I get so very much. I do not want to be bottomless. I do not want this all to be about me - it feels that way sometimes. Maybe because I don't understand what exactly he feels, what it gives him. He gave me more of a glimpse in the last post. I imagine it is hard for him to put it into words. For me, it is hard to describe, it is visceral, it's a feeling, a heartbeat.
As I got to know Ward, I realized that this was my One. This was the person that I could let all the walls down with. This is the person who would see me for who I was, and accept me, and nurture me. Ward touched the place of submission in my heart. If you knew me in the world before Ward, I was kind of stodgy, stiff-lipped, maybe even a little cold, maybe even just a wee lil bit sarcastic, a tad snarky.. No one got everything except my children - until Ward. He is not only pleased simply because I exist, he's grateful. The more I give, the more he embraces it - embraces me, and the more I want to give.
I have always striven to find the words to express how it feels, and I think while running errands, sitting at a red light, gathering wool, the perfect descriptive occurred to me. When I drink wine, I feel a warmth that spreads from my belly outwards, through my limbs to my fingers. It is a lazy, luxurious, relaxed feeling. It lowers my inhibitions. It wraps my mind like a soft blanket - warm and fuzzy. Being submissive to Ward is like this, warm, comfortable, pleasurable and intoxicating.
Am I a natural submissive? Shrugs. I am just me. I love my man, and I thrive in giving him my essence.
It is a true honor to have witnessed the beauty and be gifted with the glory that comes with such a splendid gift. The ease of her submission, the completeness of her emotion and the comfort of such fills a man with a pride not before seen. She may not be a natural submissive, but she is MY submissive and the intoxicating fuzzy feelings that she describe go for me too. It is is an intoxicating melody that plays in my heart, and again, I owe it all to the lovely Ms. June.