More on the Surrendered Wife

Reading further in The Submissive Wife, and I'm still finding lots that I do agree with. In view of our partners being the leaders of our homes, I agree that we need to let them lead. I agree that we need to trust and not get stuck on the points that we think they should do it like we would, because, well, they are them. I agree that trying to jump in when a problem arises is trying to take control, and in letting him steer the situation as he sees fit.

I have a problem with the advice that if he asks for opinion, or feedback your only response should be "Whatever you think". What? Then she says that if a problem arises let him be with it, let him be distant and grouchy, and think that it's his responsibility, and you're neither his mother or his therapist. Whoa! I would really be interested in your opinions here (yours, too, Daddy). I find this incredibly dismissive and disrespectful. It is,to me, saying that his is inconsequential, and his struggles are not your concern. Obviously his concerns are yours. I don't necessarily think that offering support or condolence is trying to garner control. I believe that you can be supportive without being controlling.

And the author herself supports this later, when speaking about her husband practising a presentation using her as his audience (pg 138), for a job in which he had no experience. She reports that she was amazed that he turned from confident to stuttering and nervous during the presentation. So when asked how he did, she did not provide a false, "You did a great job", instead said, "You've done this sort of thing so many times. Of course you'll be great." That to me is much more palatable than letting him stew, or a dismissive "whatever you think" as she states in other places in the book.

I guess my problem is that I feel in a few places she advises deceitful communication, or discourages communication. As far as Ward and I, I think it is possible to be open and honest, and not be controlling. And I fear that if people didn't try to tailor these approaches that the greater good of the message of this book could be completely lost.

The Surrendered Wife

                                                                   

I'm currently reading The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle.  I'm up to chapter 7, Receive Graciously. I'm really finding it a pretty good book, and fairly common sense (it's not exactly rocket science, now). She has many good points, and even gives you some phrasing to help ease you into perhaps difficult situations. 

I do disagree on two minor points in her presentation. In one part she talks about not arguing, that arguing is fighting for control and kills intimacy. Well I agree with that. But she says if you have to complain, do it with your friends, not your partner. There I have to say pretty bad form. If I have something to say to Daddy, I'll say it, respectfully, of course. But I feel that carrying our issues to our friends is a bit disrespectful of him, and not exactly stretching my trust muscles, and not fostering his trust of me. 

The other point I disagree with is in her discussion of taking care of yourself. She talks about a couple with a sick child and says the mother was feeling stressed because she hadn't had any "me" time, and frustrated because her husband had kept his routine of going to the gym twice weekly. She said the woman then said, okay, time for me & arranged an evening out but just left her husband & kids and they got along just fine. The author advised not to ask for permission, just to up & go. 

Well, I have a fundamental problem with that, even if we weren't D/s. I think that simple courtesy dictates at least a "Hey, babe, I'm stressed, do you mind if I run out for a bit?" Daddy subscribes to the theory that less stress means you are better able to deal with the day-to-day. He believes in a little "me" time (for me) every day. But doing it the way the books suggests, leaves me a little  cold. 

But she has more very good points than bad. One that particularly struck me was fighting about silly things. And the thought struck me, we inherently understand in dealing with our children that there are some things worth fighting over, but we'll argue with our partner over the clothes they choose, or the way they drive, or what they put on their food. Why can't we apply that simple principle to our partners?

All in all I would recommend this book. It has some interesting things to teach.