Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Surrendered Wife


I'm currently reading The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle.  I'm up to chapter 7, Receive Graciously. I'm really finding it a pretty good book, and fairly common sense (it's not exactly rocket science, now). She has many good points, and even gives you some phrasing to help ease you into perhaps difficult situations. 

I do disagree on two minor points in her presentation. In one part she talks about not arguing, that arguing is fighting for control and kills intimacy. Well I agree with that. But she says if you have to complain, do it with your friends, not your partner. There I have to say pretty bad form. If I have something to say to Daddy, I'll say it, respectfully, of course. But I feel that carrying our issues to our friends is a bit disrespectful of him, and not exactly stretching my trust muscles, and not fostering his trust of me. 

The other point I disagree with is in her discussion of taking care of yourself. She talks about a couple with a sick child and says the mother was feeling stressed because she hadn't had any "me" time, and frustrated because her husband had kept his routine of going to the gym twice weekly. She said the woman then said, okay, time for me & arranged an evening out but just left her husband & kids and they got along just fine. The author advised not to ask for permission, just to up & go. 

Well, I have a fundamental problem with that, even if we weren't D/s. I think that simple courtesy dictates at least a "Hey, babe, I'm stressed, do you mind if I run out for a bit?" Daddy subscribes to the theory that less stress means you are better able to deal with the day-to-day. He believes in a little "me" time (for me) every day. But doing it the way the books suggests, leaves me a little  cold. 

But she has more very good points than bad. One that particularly struck me was fighting about silly things. And the thought struck me, we inherently understand in dealing with our children that there are some things worth fighting over, but we'll argue with our partner over the clothes they choose, or the way they drive, or what they put on their food. Why can't we apply that simple principle to our partners?

All in all I would recommend this book. It has some interesting things to teach.


  1. Yikes, I completely agree with both of those. I don't believe in talking bad about Monster behind his back like that. I would feel so terribly guilty if I did. And just leaving, uh-uh, no way. I would be afraid to come home if I just took off. Him knowing where I will be, makes me feel secure and safe. So that if something happened, he would know where I was.

    Haven't read the book, but will have to add it to my list. :)

    1. Yeah, I know, right? Admittedly, she is a liberated woman writing not from the viewpoint of submission, but of surrendering that which is not important. But I would consider both of those bad form in any relationship.

      There is, so far, more redeeming about the book than out of line with our lifestyle, and I think it can contribute some good ideas, and opportunities for conversation.


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