Personalization In Your Dynamic

The time has come to approach and illuminate a topic that has the potential to effect a large percentage of the folks in DD/TTWD marriages as well as resound throughout blogland. This is a topic that June and I both very strongly about and while we understand that some people have differing opinions, we feel that speaking out about the potential pifalls and dangers of single minded, insensitive, approaches to DD/TTWD and some of the potentially disastrous consequences that can befall even seasoned couples in an otherwise healthy relationship.  We do not seek to proclaim ourselves experts, and would not dare deign to tell others that our way is "The Way" or disrespect any established couples. We hope that you will share in this journey to the heart and health of DD/TTWD and we freely encourage people to ask questions.

Have you ever stopped and considered what makes your relationship special and unique? Is it the things you say to each other? Is it how you treat each other? Is it how you interpretation of the intricacies of  your dynamic? We ask that you keep these questions in mind as we discuss and speak out about something that has been eating at us.  There are several entities and resources in the DD/TTWD world that claim that they are "experts" or that their way is "the way" to go. We will speak out against this and denounce this as dangerous and somewhat reckless. I'm sure some of you have heard of several "books" or have heard of  Domestic Discipline "bootcamps" or "bootcamp" style relationship training.  Some see this as a way to condition or indoctrinate their spouse to the concepts of "leadership", "punishment"  and the general foundation, and day to day concepts of the DD/TTWD lifestyle.  It is our opinion that an "all encompassing" or  formulaic approach to something as precious and important as the DD lifestyle is reckless at best and dangerous at it's worst. We believe that for a couple to get the most  out of this lifestyle,  that a great dear of care must be exercised when dealing with each others emotions,  ideas, expressions, affections etc... In simpler terms it is paramount that we know and understand each other in order to best serve each other's needs even and especially the need for order, discipline and structure.

One of the things that we've seen with the "bootcamp" principal is the idea of punishment to introduce the concept of submission or "to get used to it."  The idea of punishment without a good reason is an idea that is destructive, harmful and absolutely without merit. We expressly admit that we do believe in spanking as a submission exercise, as well as spankings for role reinforcement, but the idea of arbitrary punishment is nothing less than detrimental to the mental and spiritual state of the TiH and the state of the relationship.  Regrettably, June and I have both also seen the negative impact that the bootcamp experience can offer... Sometimes it sends the wrong message to both HoH and TiH... A misguided HoH can become disconnected from his TiH and may not be aware of the real emotions, fears, and true honesty... If punishment or correction occurs without merit? How can we expect real honesty? In the wrong situations, a TiH  may feel various feelings of negativity, resentment, fear or inadequacy at the prospect of unwarranted punishment...This in conjunction with several other factors could easily cause hard feelings, and difficulty in communication.  We should also express that  there may be merit in the idea of bootcamp...open communication about the expectations of the house, what a couple is striving for, open and honest discussions about  the impact that you both expect and desire,  healthy and considerate introductions to healthy forms of spankings that have a purpose... These are all things that can benefit a healthy happy relationship and we would entreat people to explore these concepts  in a "them" centric manner that speaks to their own unique considerations, needs, and requirements.

One of the other concepts that we would express at this time is the need for consistent care, awareness, and  respect to both people in the relationship.  I may be the HoH in our relationship, but I am also cognizant of the fact that June needs me to demonstrate not only a fierce love but a deep and uncompromising respect for her as my wife, the mother of my children, and the voice and life of our home.  We have learned that in our relationship, we must make the time to develop and perfect a process that speaks to the decisions we make and the importance that we hold for each other, and that is our suggestion to you... Work together to discover something that you can develop a blueprint for a healthy happy relationship that puts a sharp and clear focus on healthy and pure unity.

June here - I believe that as a start to DD, having a dedicated time with no interruptions to outline the specifics of the relationship, such as rules and expectations of both partners is a constructive, foundation-building thing. I believe that one of those expectations should be time set aside every single day to connect and affirm our roles, rather than have periodic bootcamps to realign or redefine.

It is no secret that Daddy and I do daily maintenance. So please do not take this to mean that I am speaking against spanking, or other methods of correction as tools in a DD relationship, or that I am speaking out of both sides of my mouth. When Daddy spanks for role affirmation, for discipline, just because he can, or for correction, he takes the time to see me. He knows me well enough to understand what I need, to understand what it takes to get through to me. You can see this kind of leadership all over blogland, HoH's who understand their women and lead instinctively, like Jim, Jake, Ian, Michael, Dragon, Omega and Steven to name a few.  To not cultivate that kind of environment, that kind of interaction can result in more unwanted behaviors that it prevents. I believe that submission should come from a place of wanting to give respect and deference to our HoH, a place of desiring to be pleasing, a place of service, and not a fear of punishment.

I think it is dangerous to take someone hungry for the closeness that DD brings, and trepidatious about what it takes to lead, and give them a checklist of how to conduct a spanking or corrective action. I think the formulaic approach can lead some to think there is no other way, does not encourage them to see how things fit into their relationships and how to make it their own. I believe the approach can teach an HoH to close himself off to his TiH. For example in our case because of my background, corner time or time in our room would create panic in me, I would feel abandoned. I need his reassurance that he is there and that the things he does, even correction, come from a place of love. When correction is over I need his arms, and his assurances that his love is unconditional, that I am forgiven, and that we are moving forward with growth and a better understanding, and the transgression won't be brought up again by either of us. He won't allow me to beat myself up over something we have resolved.

I think the bootcamp experience can be emotionally draining, and then to heap a long evening of causeless punishments can be emotionally damaging. This kind of thing can break one's spirit. For us the idea of DD is never to diminish each other, and Daddy would never, ever break my spirit. I think that there needs to be a purge in that establishment period, something like Roz's beautiful ceremony detailed in her post "Collared". For Daddy and myself there was something similar, yes a very long, firm spanking, with lots of love and pride expressed as a sign of the things we were letting go, and the things we choose to embrace. This has to be what speaks to and serves your relationship, not from a checklist or chart.

As I stated above, for me submission come from a desire to serve, a desire to be pleasing, not because I fear the consequences if I displease him in breaking one of our rules. I think that both Dominance and submission call us to be mindful of our partners, and to take the time to reaffirm our roles and commitment to them daily. Yes, we spank daily. We also affirm our roles within our relationship and to each other in small ways every day. Much as mouse beautifully illustrates again and again of her dynamic with Omega, Daddy understands my need to feel his Dominance, and his devotion to me is to provide submission exercises. These can be spankings, writing assignments, or tasks. And I try to be mindful of his needs and provide things in service and deference to him, like meeting him at the door with a drink or removing his shoes and socks after a long day and refreshing and massaging his feet.

As Daddy said, none of this is to say that we have all the answers. We have worked very hard to have the answers for us. Sometimes we see something that someone else shares that speaks to a struggle we have had. We discuss it and see how it applies to us. We are grateful for the mentorship provided by the experienced couples in this community. We believe the opportunities to speak with others in this lifestyle through our blogs, and the various chatrooms are invaluable. We believe that everyone can only speak with authority to their own relationship.  And no one can or should speak as an authority on this lifestyle in general. 

Ward again - We would like to finish this post by expressing that in addition to understanding the way your process works for you, you may also find some deep and unexpected benefits of a enriched, personalized DD/TTWD relationship. Taking the time to develop, nourish, and evolve an ideology and lifestyle that is right for you and your partner....No this isn't always easy, fair, or fun, and yes, you will be tested....sometimes it's going to hurt, but knowing that we matter to each other, really matter, enough to effect a positive culture of awareness and responsibility says that this love is unconditional, indubitable and transcendent.

We also have to admit that we have both made a few mistakes and suffered a few setbacks, neither one of us is perfect. The beauty of mistake-making though is in the growth and knowledge that this begets. When we learn, we grow and when we grow we see the positive effect that change can have in our relationships.  Establishing these changes allows us to tweak and further refine the policies and expectations that benefit our relationships the most. It all starts with a mindset that teaches us to develop our own unique ideas, needs, and thoughts... We would suggest this might be a great starting point for the uninitiated, or a great vantage point for the established. Either way, there is much wealth to be mined in investing our own time and energy in the way we approach DD/TTWD.
June again -  The essence of DD/TTWD relationships is mutual mindfulness and respect. When we undertake activities we want them to enrich our dynamics, not potentially break our spirits or damage us or our relationships. Ward and I often look at our children and think - Lord they didn't come with an instruction manual. Truth be told, when I was pregnant with my first I read every single book because I wanted to be the best I could be. When I was handed that little person I reaffirmed my undying commitment to him. And when I sat on the living room floor crying because those books didn't answer the questions I had, and nothing was working for THIS child, I realized even the author can only speak from their own personal experience. They didn't know MY child. I had to open my heart and reach out with my spirit and my soul to his, and find the ways that I could best benefit him.

The truth is, we are humans, and we are different, and our experiences, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, psyches and reactions are all influenced by our personality and our personal experiences. There is no one size fits all answer. And there are no manuals. We would encourage you to read, to seek, but we would also encourage you to take whatever you find and make it your own, with the well-being of your partner's heart, mind, body and being in the forefront of your mind. 

Dual Post Number 1 (Struggling in your Role)

Hello ladies and gentlemen, We would like to invite you to come and explore a few very important issues in the first of a long line of posts that we will both be writing together.  You are used to both of us  giving our Points of View, but we thought that it might be nice for us to to collaborate on a topic.  We hope that you find this particular post to be a valuable tool in your own relationship.

Sometimes  it's hard to maintain one's role.  Sometimes It's even harder to fight down the seemingly small urges that we may develop to pull away from our partners and put up walls.  Distance doesn't work and the longer we maintain a distance, the deeper the strain on our relationships become.  So then what is the answer?

If you guessed communication, I am suitably impressed by your insight, and commend your  wisdom and prudence!  In all seriousness, from this HoH's perspective, I value when June comes to me and communicates exactly what she needs, and when she needs it.  I must also appreciate the effort that it takes to come forward with an issue as well as understanding the newness of this feeling. In many instances, June didn't have the opportunity to talk openly and honestly about what she needed. Sometimes it would be easier to be stand-offish, distant, snappy, or outright rude to each other, but I think we all know, that that isn't the answer.

It would seem that the best thing to do is talk openly and honestly about what we need without expecting the other person to be psychic or perfect and to do so without being manipulative or overly expectant without fully vocalizing what we truly need.  Honesty, and effort count for a lot, especially when we are already tired from day to day life... Listening intently is a big first step, but honest and realistic communication are also important.  I have many skills, but I'll be the first to admit that I am not a mind reader, knowing this I also know that I have to make myself available and admit my own errors... Nobody is perfect, but we must all keep ourselves accountable and act accordingly.

(June here) What do you mean you're not psychic?  You know me very well, and sometimes it does seem that you're psychic. But as much as we keep each other center and the most important thing to each other, I have to acknowledge that you need transition time, that after a long day at a job that wears on you that you may not have all your faculties at their sharpest

At those times I could communicate that I need something, or I could get short and stroppy and all in a snit - and then I don't get the gg I may be seeking and instead get one of those spankings I don't want, and that really takes away from our evening. It never really gets in the way, you don't let it. You take us past the point that there are any secrets or unspoken feelings or slights, nothing to take root and fester. I appreciate that - though at the time I may be holding tightly onto whatever insecurities or needs that I have thinking I am saving you....from what??? I have to ask when my mind is far more rational....from a peaceful night? From a soft, submitted woman?

I truly don't understand why I sometimes hold with a death grip to those walls and vestiges of distance - they feel horrid. Sometimes it is hard to get past that point, and as much as I may be ambivalent about the "we have all night, little one, let me in" when it is spoken, I am grateful that you push me to the place that I am most comfortable. I'm not perfect, I am far from perfect. The thing I appreciate most is that you understand that, don't demand that, and help me even those times that I will not ask.

The other times, most times, I will ask. You are my man, you are my Daddy....if our dynamic was different I would be comfortable calling you my Master.... you are master of my heart and soul - you are my lover, you are my leader, you are my world. If I cannot trust you to help me, even if it takes time, even if it is painful, who can I trust?  I trust no one more. So I come, with an implement, or a weight on my shoulders and lay myself across your lap, or into your arms and lay my wet cheeks into the crook of your neck, and I know that I am home, and I know that the pain is transitory, and I know that your love will permeate my heart, and push out all that does not belong.  I lay myself in your hands, and that is home.

June love, you know me as well as I do and I know you need time for yourself, with two active boys that demand attention and care you routinely impress me with your "Mom skills" and make the time and effort to ensure that our home is clean, and comfortable and for that I thank you.

You are my woman, my love, my mate,  my heart, my submissive and I would call you  my slave where it so. You are my lover, my best friend, my universe and I am so very grateful that you allow me to guide and lead you. You have given me the privilege and responsibility of guarding your heart. Your confidence in my leadership and your warmth even when you are tired, and I am not at my best warms my heart and when you are wrapped up in Daddy's embrace... that is indeed home.

Sometimes the death grip is evidence of your need for my love, even when it hurts you know that I am not going anywhere and if it takes me proving that everyday of forever you know that despite fatigue and frustration, despite the fears that need to be overcome, that you have my deepest love and that I will give you my whole heart, kiss away the tears, and reach out through the darkness to bring you home.

As evidenced by the unity displayed, let us design to entreat each other with love and fullness. When we struggle we can only learn from our mistakes and grow from them. To give each other the depth and richness deserved in great relationship we cannot and will not settle for less, we will not short change each other, even when I am tired, or it is difficult to speak we will both stand up for each other and what is ours!

Daddy, I can't think of a moment that I do not ache with need for you. I crave that closeness, the warmth of your skin on mine, your breath on my hair, your lips to my forehead, I crave the way I feel with you, the smallness, the safeness, the security... it is what I have never had, and sometimes I feel that fear that I could lose it so intensely, that is where my walls come from, but you know that. For whatever ridiculous reason the day throws up in my path, somehow I see you walking the other way, even though you never have. And the walls come up to protect myself.... ridiculous to protect yourself from the person you most want in the world.

These are the times my submission slips, those times I feel my vulnerability and like the emperor realize I have no clothes - nothing to protect myself, but from what? You protect me from everything - even myself.  Yes, I sometimes need you to pull my submission out from behind the walls I construct, they only serve to harm me, harm you, harm us. These are the times I struggle to be my truest self. These are the times I am wrapped up so tight in my fear that I cannot breathe... until I take that step to ask for your help, or I find the strength to submit when you bid it, for just that moment it takes for you to grip the wall and begin to pull and when the walls come crashing down, you are always there to shield me, to protect me, and to put my heart back together. How could I ever navigate through this world without you?

You ask me at those times is not your love enough? Is not your grace enough? Have you not proven your truth in love for me? It is enough, and you have proven beyond any measure. And for a while it is enough to quiet the voice that says I am not enough and I do not deserve you. I thank you for your diligence and your steadfastness, and that you do not weary of teaching me, of erasing a lifetime of belief in fallacy, of cultivating my submissive heart, of letting me find home for the first time, and I thank you, most simply and yet most profoundly, for loving me.

My sweet June, I can feel it when you struggle, and my heart near threatens to burst in my chest.  It is my job to fulfill you, to love you and to lift you when you struggle to walk beside you and give you my best even when things aren't easy, I will take that step to put the world down and pick you up, to bring the wall down and draw you out with a loving heart and a deep, loving desire to see you and our relationship lifted. I want to thank you again for letting me love you and for being submissive to me when I know it isn't always easy or fair. Your grace is amazing and I know that in my heart, I am a changed man for the better because of you. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart... You are what I longed for in the days of my youth, and you are the comfort in my age... you are everything, my heart.

 It is easy to see that love in abundance is an important part of our relationship. We thank you all for reading and wanted to show you the real, raw side of Ward and June. We struggle too.  Sometimes we keep it close to the vest, sometimes we are quiet about it and don't blog about it until we have clearer eyes to assess the journey but, we also know that growth can be and is painful sometimes. We have learned that communicating our needs without preying on each other's emotions, or being manipulative is absolutely vital to our communication process.  Staying connected, even when we struggle is an art and we by no means have mastered it, but the one thing we take deep comfort in is knowing that we will be there for each other for the whole journey! Thanks for reading!

Self-Image

                          

                                                  

 The media tells us one thing... our lovers tell us another... Body image? What is it? How does it define us as individuals and as a couple? One of the things I have to be vigilant about with June is that she doesn't always have a positive self-image. From day one I have found her to be beautiful inside and out and when she tells me that she doesn't see what I see, it becomes clear that I must show her every day that she is beautiful, strong, and beloved.                                      

                                                                                                                                       

                                                                                              

 

I am sure that I am not the only HoH that has particular rules about a positive self-image as well as negative self-expression. June knows that any self-loathing or detraction can only end with a very red bottom and a stern lecture about the importance of  being positive and how I am personally insulted by such self-derision. Honestly though I know it's hardly as simple as that.  We as a culture are constantly bombarded with media images, ideas, commentary and imagery. Much of this imagery serves no healthy purpose, and after many years of being force fed  an unrealistic, unhealthy standard of beauty

                                                           

That puts the ball in our court, guys.  I guess in my mind, it is my job to reaffirm and reassure my lady of her beauty every single day. It is a labor of love and a wonderful chance to prove that she is beautiful.  Prove that she is beautiful? What do I mean by that?  It's very simple.  Caress her curves with your hands and give her your eyes... let your eyes lock and give her the kind of slow soft kiss that you both craved since the day you knew that you where made for each other.  Take the time to appreciate every inch of her skin and show her that you wouldn't dare design to change a single thing.  You will both find and appreciate not only the warmth and bliss that love brings, you will also both see the strength of curves, and find the beauty in the design of a real woman's body. 

                                                     

Skinny, thick, tall,short  we are all a testament to the beautiful variation and design of humanity.  Everything that makes us different is exactly what makes all of us beautiful. Over the years I've learned that  not only must I be vigilant about stamping out insecurities, but that a positive self-image begins at home. A kind word, one small thing can lead to big changes.  In our journey together, I have also confronted my own insecurities  and fought through them with June's help to finally know and feel true acceptance and  warmth. There is a wonderful vibrancy to it and it is that which all but illuminates the beauty of June's mind and the splendor of her body. Given it is a bit more of a challenge to get her to see her own beauty.  I guess after a lifetime of verbal and physical abuse it makes it more difficult to hear words of praise. That is why I am constantly showing her light and warmth, even if sometimes it means that I have to discipline and correct self-deprecating or harmful language or gestures.  It is a job that last a life time. Helping our partners feel good about themselves when the world says that they aren't is an important skill that every man should develop.  A healthy self-image starts with love, passion, and showing each other, just how beautiful we are.  Sometimes that means a soft word, sometimes a firm, slow hand, sometimes... it's better to just let our bodies do the talking ;)   In any case we are sure that by showing each other your appreciation for each others mind and bodies, your relationship will surely grow!

                                       

Her POV:

I won't lie, this is probably one of the things I get strenuously disciplined for most often - not quite correction, surely not fun... I have been taught that I am not beautiful for my whole life. I know that Ward thinks I am, I have offered to drive him to the doctor for new glasses....yeah, THAT went over big.

When I am with him, when I feel insular, I feel beautiful, I feel feminine. When I go too far past that circle, or for too long, that little voice that tells me all my defects just gets louder. Boy.... have to tell you that this is a hard POV to write, and I;m in tears trying .... it's not about thoughts, it's not about resistance. It's a longstanding belief in what I have been taught to perceive as the truth about me, for almost 50 years.

He tells me - everyday. I know he gets frustrated - not just at me - at those who taught me that I don't really have very much to offer at all. I don't doubt him, he is the truest person in my whole life. Ward's message is genuine, good Lord I feel it in his touch, in my heart, see it in his eyes. It's just hard to make it stick long-term yet.

Why I submit

I defer to Ward in our everyday life. There is a softness in my heart for him. I do things that serve him and our family. I take pleasure in making our home a place of comfort and respite. I enjoy them coming home from school and work to a home filled with warmth and the smells of good foods cooking and baking, and the underlying scent of lavender. I enjoy the looks of pleasure on their faces when they sink into home. That is this thing that we create. It doesn't matter where it is. It can be on vacation. It can be with family. Where ever we four are together, we are home.

In this place, in our home, we serve each other - it is our way. I will bring laundry into the living room and he will pull the basket between us and fold. I will see his glass empty and get up to refill it. He will pull my feet into his lap and massage my feet and legs. I will sit at his feet and take his boots off when he comes home and do the same, or slide behind him and massage his neck and shoulders. This is us. This is everyday.

He builds trust. He shows honor. He keeps me safe. He keeps us safe. He lifts and holds this family on his very broad shoulders. I look at him and I can see a bent and white-haired me in his eyes. He is who I was made to be with. He is my today, he is my future, he is my eternity.







Who he is calls to me. It is not just that I hear him, it is that his voice resonates deep in my soul. When he speaks, I soften and open to him. It is not just that he touches me, it is that his touch fills me with joy. It is not just that I offer him my deference, it is that I am fulfilled in bending under his hand and under his will.






I have lived my life, not enough for anyone, not the woman who bore me, not the father who sired me, not the half-brother who had the privilege of growing knowing his own worth, not the three with whom I shared my life before I met my Ward. I have stood strong and cold because I had to. I built walls that kept the hurt outside. I was strong. I was capable. I was dying inside. Then my Ward spoke in the dark. He spoke to me. His voice resonated. He gently uncurled my fingers, and took my hand. He showed me beauty I denied, suppressed because I could not bear it's rejection another time. He patiently took one brick at a time until I was exposed to his eyes. He pronounced me beautiful. He pronounced me loved.....and then he began to show me, every single day. He unlocked the secret places, and oh, how I shined for him.

He sees what no one else has seen. He accepts what no one else has ever invited. He accepts my service and calls it a gift. I am bound to him in ways I have always desired and never before realized. And in the binding he sets me free. There is nothing I would not give him. I prostrate myself before him and he lifts me up. I belong to him...completely...lucky girl.

HIS POV:      

June's love for me shine's brighter than the stars.  I gave her my heart, when I was most afraid and in kind her response was beyond expectation, beyond what I deserve, it was like a cold glass of water after being lost in the desert.  Her submission called to me when we were little more than friends, and in kind my dominance sought her out and made itself familiar to her. She knows my dreams, my fears, my shortcomings and what I struggle with... and yet, she still loves me anyway.... I am blessed beyond measure and I thank the Lord that he sent June my way... She is my greatest blessing!

Tested

 

The life of a submissive woman is full of tests. There are the conscious tests that our men present us with to help us learn to bend,  to help us stretch our limits, our horizons, our trust. These come as expectations of deference, expectations of obedience, expectations of grace. We are expected to follow the rules we establish for our relationships. As we all know sometimes just everyday life makes simple compliance a test all in itself. And we are tested to take that moment to compose ourselves and not reply with that knee-jerk snappy response, or eye-roll. There are the tests designed to deepen our submission - those calls or texts, with instructions, so that we can feel ourselves under their hands. There are those deepening tests that call us to make more public displays of our submission, wearing some symbol of his control or our submission in public, be it visible or invisible, it is there and we are acutely aware. There are the tests in discipline, a hated implement, a more vigorous than normal spanking, and our efforts to yield gracefully.




There are the tests we give ourselves, in submitting gracefully,  even when it's hard. We try to be anticipatory in service. We try to provide those things that make home refuge without being asked, to provide extraordinary comfort before he knows what he needs. We test ourselves when given the choice to choose an implement and we choose perhaps not our favorite, but his - or one that presents a challenge to us, because doing so signifies our trust and our desire to give him that. We test ourselves when we sense that he needs to feel our submission and we offer ourselves freely to him. We test ourselves in giving our willing hearts, and our softest demeanor.


And there are the tests that life throws our way. These may be the hardest of all because maybe they shake our men as well - the ones that are our anchors, the ones we lean on, the ones we depend on. And it's disconcerting to see them struggle - we want to think that they have all the answers...right now. What happens when they have career decisions to make? What happens when you are in financial negotiations? What happens when someone else holds the future of your family in their hands? This is where you must put your trust in the hands of your HoH. This is his job to handle the negotiations to the best of his ability and steer the ship in the best direction for your family. It is hard, and when you worry and obsess it is the same as saying you do not have confidence in your man.



I can speak on this with confidence because this is where we have been. I give Ward my deference in all things. It is my place to do so, and I relish the giving. There is talk periodically in blogland about layers. I've spoken before about being dismayed to feel I have given my complete submission, and finding another layer... finding a place of resistance... finding a place where I fail. This is my latest layer. People who administrate the process make promises and drag their heels, change the offerings, put things on the table that would cause our family to be separated. And instead of handing my worries to him, I allow distance to grow... so he cannot see my worry, don't you know.

Except that's not what is happening. I'm not shielding him. I am depriving him of comfort and support. I am not being his soft place to land. He needs to know I am in his corner. He needs to know that I trust him to make the right decision. He needs my confidence in his vision for our family. So my darling, I unclamp my fist, and I put this in your hands. I trust you to lead us. I open my heart and give you the love and the need that fed this fear. I acknowledge that this fear was unfounded, because you will always have this family in the fore of your mind. I submit my fear to you.

Worries are nothing more than little puffs of nothings when we are together, when we love and support each other, when we have each other's backs and the best interest of each other, our relationship and our family at heart.

HIS POV: 

June's trust and faith in me shake me to the very core. The thoughts of an HoH, the thoughts of a future more blessed are heavy and browsome indeed. Practicing and honing the art of deference, submission when it is not an easy thing to do is a crown of light unto June and a wreath of stars around her neck.  She is the apple of my eye and again my greatest blessing. The life I lead is not an easy one and I am not always such a easy man to know. Even on the hard days I recognize the effort that she places in her emotion and reaction to things that aren't always easy to hear or when perhaps fatigue has gotten the better of me.  She is always there, always trying, always deepening her submission and always quenching the rampant thirst of my dominance.

Layers of thoughts, dreams, worries, fears are only natural, especially when the sum of the future is held by a larger entity.  But that's it! In this I have found that with June's love, confidence, submission, deference, input, and energy and my determination, strength, dedication and commitment there is no wrong path... As long as she has my back, and as long as I can show her that I have the best interest of our family in mind. The future brings many questions but one thing that is not in question is our love... it grows bright and hot like a curling flame devouring kindling, it swells like a cresting wave, and quenches like cold water on a hot day. Responsibility is a burden, yes, but one that I bear with joy in my heart and determination to see my family lifted and blessed the best way I can.  I may yet continue in service to this country, I may exit and focus on education and the future while working to provide in many other ways...either way this is for my family, all of us, and I will not falter...

"Oh love! Where you are close, I'd hear the beating of your heart... My ear would hear the soft whispers of your heart... your worries, your dreams, I must demand them... I will take them and I will not fail you. I will guard your heart, as you would guard mine and in our love we will shake the very heavens." ~BTL

Commitment

                                                                  
                                                  
                                               

I want to talk about commitment.  It's a word that I fear that some would take too lightly.  Real commitment whether that is to a task, a job, or to others speaks volumes about one's character and leaves an impression that will not easily be forgotten. Commitment is also easier said than given, especially in a world that increasingly caters to the "easy" or  "instant gratification" crowd. Commitment tests our patience, our willingness to set aside our own ego, our own desires and reveals the true measure and depth of a person's character.  Some ten years or so ago, when I was a much younger man, I  put my hand on God's word and I took an oath... I made a big commitment at a time when perhaps I didn't understand what real commitment was about.

                                                                               

                                                                                                                  

Oh aye, the military definitely influenced the way I speak, the way I think, the way I behave (even now).  Suddenly a young man apart, far away from everything and everyone he ever knew was  thrust into a new and more expectant world that demanded results and expected performance.  Commitment meant not only following orders, and drastically altering my appearance, or getting up at 0-dark hundred, which occurs half an hour before 0-dark thirty.  It was a new lifestyle, a new role and a new ideology.

Then came stress... I can't and in some cases won't go into specifics, but suffice to say that I've been through some things that made me doubt my place in my life, my relationships prior to June, everything. Some time ago I had the fortune to be introduced to and learn so much from a very good friend, whose influence inspired my own personal take on DD/TTWD and the wisdom and growth that individuals and couples can experience. 

                                                                                                          

                                                   

With June, I have been committed from the beginning. Committed to my job as her Husband, her protector, her leader, her lover, her best friend. Being committed on these particular terms is a labor of love and a true conduit for the reciprocity that we present to each other daily. Even when it isn't easy or fun or one of us isn't at our best showing, and displaying the grace and direction of dedication, commitment inspires and causes us to appreciate each other and what we see as important to our relationship and to each other. Sometimes being committed means taking time to connect to June or the boys when I am dead tired or looking forward to something else... but if a HoH isn't dedicated to his family and their needs, what's the point?  I realize that sometimes being a good HoH for my darling and being a good example for our boys means showing them that commitment means

                                                

                                                                   

                                                    

- Being a provider

- Completing the tasks that you have been given, even and especially when we find them distasteful or difficult

- That when you start something, you finish it

-  A real man and a real woman don't fold up like a two-dollar lawn chair when things don't go their way or real life sneaks up on them

- Doing a job that you don't enjoy, is difficult or exhausting to provide your family with their needs and some of the stuff they want, is indeed honorable.

I also have to be a steady and sure example for June and more than just tell her, show her the kind of committed solidarity that neither of us had before each other... I show her by

- Listening
- Giving her my full and undivided attention
- Following through with what I say
- Granting her access to my mind and body even when I ache
- Doing my best for us and each other every single day.

Commitment and DD/TTWD go hand in hand and it is easy to see how any kind of relationship benefits and grows with the careful and thoughtful application of  consistency and commitment. When you are tired, when you are achy, when you just want a moment to yourself, take a second and think. Show your partner your best, even when they are at their worst... Commitment makes us and our stronger for the effort!




                                                 

Her POV:

I have long been dismayed by our disposable society. When things become  inconvenient we give them away, children, pets, the ill, the elderly. We shouldn't have to try harder, evaluate ourselves, extend ourselves, find a way through.This society teaches us to find our way around, to find our way out.

I have always poured all that I had into every relationship, from the very first. Beaten and broken I was offered a way out of the womb donor's house, and replied that I could not, she needed me. Relationship after relationship would find me unhappy, talking to my partner, not getting what I needed and resolving I would double my efforts, be more, do more, love harder.... had to be me, right? Partners out of work, me working four jobs seven days a week, working 16 - sometimes 20 hours a day to get us through. Them, bored, you're always working, you never have time, going out with friends, friends become lovers.When did any of that become okay? When did it become  okay to walkaway from your children because the new girlfriend is much more fascinating? Or stop having them over because the girlfriend treats them poorly.

I'm not perfect, never have been, never will be, never claimed to be, not even close. When I give you my word I will pour my blood, sweat and honest intent into upholding my commitment. When did commitment become an option? When I pledged to love and protect my children, I meant ... mean still, that I will protect them with my life. When I pledged myself and my love to Ward, I meant and reaffirm every day, in every single thought, word, and deed... that I will give him my all, my purest, fiercest, undying, ever-growing love, my deference, my obeisance, my support, my fullest effort, my devotion, the full measure of perfectly imperfect me ...when the sun is shining, when it's warm, when it's easy, and even when I'm tired, even when I am bone weary, even when my heart and mind, and body and soul ache.

This time around, though, it is returned, and that is warm, and comforting ... even on the hardest of days....it gives me strength... it elevates me and makes me better.

Once again, my love, I commit myself to you and to our family. I commit my heart, my mind, my body, my soul, my love and devotion, my obedience, my submission to you. It honors me that you accept. I love you.

June's Perfect Storm GG Spanking

Okay, *blushes furiously*. This is the recipe to make June into a great big pile of girl goo. Daddy is a most incredible chef indeed. This is - of course - a good girl spanking. It is what makes me soft and super submissive and totally dreamy. There's lots of touching, and stroking, and rubbing, and biting... and other things. It lets me feel my place and his control in the most delicious of ways. It generally takes him quite a while to mop me up....he says it's worth it, imagine that!

Every spanking begins and ends with Daddy's hand. This is both to warm up and connect us, flesh to flesh and center us on each other.  He starts by rubbing, so lovely, and rubs intermittently throughout the spanking.

 The  hairbrush is Daddy's signature and is included in every spanking regardless of intent. Every spanking is an exercise in submission with grace. The hairbrush communicates that I and my submission belong to him - a sort of role affirmation, and reminder that my submission and obedience are expected.I always seek his hand during this part, and lace my fingers with his.

Mmmmmm, the yummy strap (The Angel Maker). No matter how stingy the hairbrush was, a few strokes in and I am floating in my happy place, and it only gets better the longer he goes. Daddy starts on my bottom, but then uses this strap from shoulders to ankles. That means at some point he gets up from beside me, and removes his arm - when that happens, I have no idea.

This little strap is another delicious sensation. It pushes me further and further down that melty place. I think he alternates from besing side-by-side to standing, but I couldn't swear to that.

 

Mmmmm, Daddy's belt - totally yummy, from the jingle of the buckle to the sound of it sliding through his pants loops it is totally yummy. He is generally standing, but winds up winding it tight around his hand and back beside me with his arm over me again.

Back to the brush, his signature, to remind me again that I belong to him and that my pleasure, my pain, and my submission belong to him. No ouch this time because I'm all floaty-floaty.

And we end with his hand to center us in each other again,.                                                                                           

When he is done, he draws me into his arms, and lets me come back to myself in my own time. And I'm pretty sure I look something like this:

HIS POV:

June is my very sweet good girl, and as such she gets plenty of good girl spankings. As I like to say,  good girls need more spankings than naughty girls, the spankings help them stay good... It also helps us feel our place and enhances our lovins'... yes, life is good!

Lesson learned, fear shed

Part of our relationships are about growth and learning. Sometimes that is not a painless process. I have had several great revelations throughout my relationship with Ward. I just had another one... it shook me with it's magnitude and it shook him, at first negatively, thinking that I doubted him. Then, when I reached the conclusion, we began to rebuild with a new understanding.

It started with a question..."Daddy, do you think I'm real?" No, that wasn't like, do you think I'm too good to be true, that was, do you think I am genuine or a faker? "I'm afraid that the mask will fall away and that I will be ugly underneath." And it was met with the words that cut me to the core and make me bleed my faithlessness. "Why are you afraid to see the positive? Is not my love good? Does blessing not find you?"

Why would I think such a thing? I came from a woman with a dark heart. She could love no one but her self. My father...very distant... I think.... still do, though he denies it, that there is a distance because I was born from that darkness. I spent most of my life not knowing how to be, but having a vivid example of what not to be, how not to do things, how not to treat people. I have a recurring dream of her, one that wakes me up screaming, her head on the body of a viper, that sly, portentous smile that harbored the most impure of intents. She was mistress of disguise to entrap, then she attacked and destroyed.






I, myself, in this life have borne many masks. They were the masks I wore when I was told that I was not enough, to keep a love that did not really exist. My fingers curled from the burden of carrying these masks throughout my life. When I found this man who loved me in a genuine way, in an ever-growing, deep and abiding way, I waited to be not enough. We got past that hurdle. Then I began to fear that I was full of guile, that I would shed a mask one day and he would see the 'real me' and be disgusted.






And as we talked, and his words braided into the lifeline that I have come to rely on, I saw that my hands were empty...for the first time ever, my fingers are unfurled and unburdened. I carry no mask, I hold no guile...with him, I am an open heart. I have always stood naked before him, because for him, I have always been enough. And the realization that struck me like thunder? I'm afraid to be her. I'm afraid that having come from her, she will slither out of my soul. But he has taught me, enough that I can feel it, enough that I can see it, enough that I can believe it....I am not her. My heart is not dark. I will not break open and spill venom on those that I love because I bear none.




And this man, whom I love with all that I am and all that I have gives me the gift of freedom. He reaches beyond the wounds that my fear and insecurity cause to him to heal me.

Thank you, Daddy. I don’t have to be afraid anymore. I AM naked before you, there is nothing to fall away. You have always given me the freedom, the gift of being my true self for the first time ever. There were burdens I bore and masks I wore before in vain attempts to be loved. But you long ago stripped me of artifice. I feel lighter, and I have shed another fear. 

No other love in all of the world... in all of my life, there's been no other love. 

HIS POV:
June, came to me damaged in a deep and profound way. The impact that this negative person she speaks of is obvious sometimes even during joy.  I am so thankful that you have learned to let me in and let me show you the light which that person tried to hide from the world.. I saw it right away and even when you struggled... it was there.  You are my true love and greatest blessing and I thank God so much for you! Thank you for letting me take the burden from your shoulders and lead you to a place of light and love. It is a true blessing to love you!

Define "Fair"

No...really,  what does fair mean to you? I ask, because it's  a conversation that Daddy and I have all the time. Sometimes, we'll be wrestling, or tickle-fighting and Daddy, who is a gorgeous behemoth (a mythological beast mentioned in Job 40:15-24. Metaphorically, the name has come to be used for any extremely large or powerful entity.) of a man, will win (do ya think?) and I'll jokingly say to him..."Well, that's not fair!" and he'll say, "I never said it would be fair, I said it would be worth it."

When I first joined blogland, and before we started this blog, I came across Stormy's post - What About Unfair Spankings?, and shortly after, Christina's post When the HoH Makes An Unfair Decision - Final Lessons. I'm sure most of you understand the phenomenon, we see things in blogland that give us talking points in our own relationships, and that helps us to grow and develop our own dynamics. So Daddy and I had, and sometimes continue to have a discussion based on the topic of fairness. The latest round of this discussion was spurred by Pocahontas' post It's Just Not Fair!




My view on the issue surprised Daddy, and continues to surprise him. I actually find him debating with his feet in the "it can be unfair" camp. Again, I will preface this by saying that I'm a bit of an odd bird, and I hope that I do not alienate my friends by saying this, I don't see how, in the kind of relationships we are in, that there can be an 'unfair'. (ducks)


As defined, Fair means:

Adjective In accordance with the rules or standards; legitimate.

Adverb Without cheating or trying to achieve unjust advantage: "he played fair".

When we decide to live our lives under domestic discipline, we sit down with our partners and define what that means within the sphere of our relationship. We define our relationships, and then spend the rest of our lives together refining them.

Each and every one of us has a different dynamic, that's necessary, one size DOES NOT fit all here. We define our rules, many of us have them posted on our blogs, and we define the consequences for not keeping faith with those rules. So, if we break those rules, and he keeps faith within the definition of our relationship, how can we call them unfair?

 





Once, not too long ago, on our terrible, very bad 
weekend, I received a correction. The next day, I got another one...YIKES, June! *Hangs head in shame* - As should be, we discussed the situation that led us there and how to avoid it in the future. In that discussion, Daddy got the idea that the first spanking was unfair, and he apologized. I didn't see why he apologized,  because, as my Daddy... my HoH, he has the right to spank me when he chooses, whether for correction, or simply to remind me of my place in our relationship and reinforce submission. I told him that it was okay, I needed it anyway, as I was stressed. When I told him all of this he said, well yes, perhaps I did NEED to be spanked, but I did not DESERVE to be spanked for the reason he spanked. That brings up another point, as much as they need and deserve our grace in submission, sometimes they need our grace in forgiveness as much as we need theirs.



When we give our men authority over us, we give them authority to spank (well most of us anyway) for correction/punishment and discipline/role-affirmation/stress-relief at the very least (some of us, more reasons). When we do that, we acknowledge their leadership and their right to take us in hand, for the betterment and benefit of our well-being and of our relationships. We acknowledge that authority by virtue of our trust that they have the best interests of us and our relationships at heart.If we question their fairness, or question their right to lead us, is that not calling our trust into question? If we look at the definition above, They are not trying to achieve unfair advantage, they are simply holding both of us to the rules and standards we have established together.

Pocahontas raised many good points in her post. Yes, we are expected to bend, to submit, to accept their decisions with grace. They are expected to shoulder the lion's share of responsibility for our families, all of our well-being, and our interpersonal relationships. Each one of us could say of our own share of the equation that it is unfair. But if we consider the big picture, it is balanced....

Adjective

Keeping or showing a balance; arranged in good proportions. Taking everything into account; fairly judged or presented.

HIS POV:  
As the head of our home, it is my belief that I must act with the deepest prudence and always in the best interest of our relationship. That being said, I know that I don't always get things right, but I also know that giving her what she needs has to take priority over my own desires and ideas sometimes harmony, consistency and a desire to be a source of good govern our house. As it's keeper I must maintain this attitude.  Fairness is a nice concept, but I think it's more important to have clear communications about the expectations of the dynamic.

June is absolutely correct in her explanation of agreed rules and the roles in our dynamic, I am the head of our home and she is my voice, therefore, it falls on my shoulders to ensure that I am not histrionic, too emotionally invested, or blinded by impure motives. It's not always easy and like the rest of us I, too, make mistakes.  Mistakes can teach us a lot of things if we but have the wisdom to learn from them. 

I will also say that I think there is still a world of difference between what is right and what is fair. I strive to do what is right by my family. I strive to do what is right by our children and our home... This is not always easy or comfortable and sometimes I do have to make unpopular decisions or make unpopular rules, but I do so with the best interest of my loved ones in mind... Oh.. and one other thing,  June will tell you, I never ever once promised that I would be fair  (a bit HoHy aren't I?)