I see beauty everywhere, I see it in the sky, blue and full of clouds, I see it in the forests so full of trees and green. I see it on the smiling face of children and in my lover's voluptuous form. Sometimes June has trouble seeing herself as I do. As I am sure you know, June's past has a lot to do with that. She is as beautiful and radiant as the sun and I am working hard to change her perception of what beauty is. I won't say it's the whole reason, but I think the media has significantly contributed to what I believe is an unrealistic and unobtainable standard of beauty for both men and women. I guess I've always had a unique and different mindset, but the beauty of human form is undeniable. The differences between us all are to be celebrated. Tall or short, light or dark, we are all a testament to design and shape.
She knows that I don't tolerate any self-disparaging remarks or down talk about herself. I think that a positive self-image is a important part of any healthy relationship, and even more so when that relationship contains elements of Domestic Discipline. I celebrate her beauty and grace in my life daily. The impact of her beautiful spirit, her kindness, her wisdom and grace are as potent and delightful as the sensual gift that her curvy form is. Every inch of her skin from head to toe speaks of my delight and the warmth that radiates (sometimes literally) from within.
We want to be the couple walking down the street that everyone notices... Not for the clothes we wear or the car we drive but the relationship. We want the beauty and light of our relationship to speak for itself. Being rich in family and spirit is something that we all delight in and we love to let it shine.
As for physical beauty, with everything else I guess there is just no accounting for tastes. June knows that I love her body, and that her body type is what calls to me.. I like curves, always have always will and as she gains confidence, I've noticed that June is becoming less afraid to use them on me! I find her increasing confidence sexy and marvel at how anybody ever found her less than beautiful. My tastes tend to run toward what was once considered classic. My tastes tend to run towards the curvy and the rubenesque...
A positive self-image is more than sexy, it's the foundation of confidence and pride. The beauty we carry inside is stronger and deeper than the world around us!
I have to tell you that I am sitting here with a raging blush, first for Daddy's effusive praise, and secondly because my boldness has been noted (of course I know he notes it, but to have it pointed out that I'm not necessarily as demure as I like to be....oh my). I am Daddy's girl, I am Ward's woman, and I enjoy expressing my love of and my desire for him in many ways.
When I am with him, this mundane world disappears, and the world we inhabit is a beautiful place - the landscape is verdant, the sky is azure in day, and a velvet midnight blue painted riotously with stars at night, beauty abounds and the air is fresh and sweet with botanical scents. When I am with him, my body sings, and I feel as elegant and beautiful and full of grace as any dancer that lights a stage afire with her passion. When I am with him I am who I always dreamed I could be. I am free and unfettered, and without limits.
When he is not here, when he is floating beneath the jeweled sea, I ache for the things that are but pale ghosts without him - and I work with all my might to remain worthy of our life and his esteem.
I don't know if I will ever feel beautiful to the world, but I feel beautiful to him, and that is all that really matters, isn't it? I love you, mo Rí.
I came damaged. I was broken. If you ask Ward he will tell you that I have changed, that I am less fearful than when we first knew each other. I know that I once projected a sense of false bravado that I have abandoned. I don't need it anymore.But once upon a time I needed it. It was how I protected myself. I was the odd bird with the very strange plumage and the stranger vocalizations, because if you were odd, people didn't get too close. And if they did, you could always distance. Yup. I had it all covered.
The woman who gave birth to me was schizophrenic. I talked before about the things that happened in the house where I grew. She was physically abusive.She was verbally and emotionally abusive. She let her men touch me and use me in ways a child should never know. I learned to dissociate, to be unaffected, to suppress my emotions to such an extent that you would have thought I was a mannequin. I learned to distance rather than feel very early in life.
When I was out in the world, just old enough to work (both to get out of the house - away from her, and because it was required - she wanted the money), I learned that if you were quiet - and non-conformist - usually people left you alone. I shaved my head.I dressed in steel-toed boots and jeans, or all black if required to wear skirts or dresses...WITH black boots. That usually kept people at a distance. And if it didn't, if they were curious about this odd person, my mask of bravado was enough to hold them at bay. And if it didn't, well I never really let anyone in close enough to hurt me.
Then I did, three times. None of them ended well. All of them ended with me working multiple jobs to support my partners who were jobless for two to six years. And while I was working seven days a week, in some cases 16-18 hours a day, they found other partners. And I was convinced that I was not enough, never would be. Even my own mother couldn't love me. I was unattractive, in mind and body, and apparently lacking in heart. This is what I was told and shown over and over and over from earliest memory. I honestly believed that I carried some defect, some darkness because of my birth. I felt that the darkness inhabited my soul, and could be seen and felt.
Then I saw a poem that touched my heart and soul and wrote to the author to express my gratitude for having been blessed in the reading of it, and I met my Ward. The Story of How We Met is found elsewhere on the blog and I won't bore you with that again either (even though I love the story). As we got to know each other better, I was sure that he would see the darkness, too, that he would find the thing that made him run, that the brokenness would send him screaming into the night. But it didn't.
He tries to get me to see me as he does. He tries to help silence the nagging little voice that says he will find me out. He is patient and kind and he gently and diligently calls my surrender of those things that can put a distance between us.. He makes rules to try to guide my thoughts away from the notion that I am not enough. He has made a rule that I may not make self-disparaging remarks. He says that I have been lied to all my life, and that I do not see myself clearly because of those lies. Sometimes when we are having a conversation about how I am feeling, I will ask for immunity so that I can express what goes through my mind. I have come to realize, with Stormy's help, that when I distance (another rule) it looks to him like I do not trust him with my thoughts and feelings and fears. So I have made an effort to give him those things, I think I've been pretty successful.
One of the most frustrating...disheartening things that I have found in our foray into blogland, and the subsequent self-discovery that it brings, is that every time I believe that I have FINALLY surrendered the very last thing to Ward, that I am completely open and holding nothing back...I find another.
We were having an innocent conversation, and Daddy said something sweet. He said that he felt my love enhance his and us. And I replied with an earnest, 'I hope so.' I meant only that I hoped I was worthy. There was a pause and he asked if he could ask me a question, I said of course. And he asked why I say things like 'I hope so', that it was like I doubt what we are.
I was crushed...I had hurt him.I don't doubt him, and I don't doubt us. I doubt my own worthiness of this beautiful love. He told me that I am beautiful and complicated and his...and I marveled that he still wanted me, even with all the cracks and imperfections And as he talked, he gently placed another piece of broken little me back in place. He made sure that it fit, and that the bond made with his patience and his love was strong.
The next time, a day or two later, that Daddy said something to which my knee-jerk response was to be 'I hope so", I stopped with the words on the tip of my tongue, and took a breath, met his eyes and said, 'Thank you, Daddy."
I came broken, and he is slowly and patiently putting me back together. And he gives me wings.
June's early life was one of adversity and disquiet. I would see her elevated beyond the hurt of the past and help her see the beauty that has always existed in both form and spirit. I know that there are scars on or within us all. I guess the way I see it, nurturing each other is ALWAYS a priority. It is always a comfort to know that she is there for me too. I too have a very "lived in" life and it is a comfort to know that she is always here for me!
One of the most beautiful gifts that June ever gave me was the gift of her submission. Through communication, diligence and just knowing the amazing lady that she is, I have found that our lifestyle, TTWD, and the occasional (usually daily) spanking gives her the things she needs to be able to thrive and be the most happy. The honored (and it is a true honor) position of being the head of our home is one that I find humbling and beautiful. When she submits to me it gives me purpose... makes me stronger... If there's one thing that bolsters me more than anything it's the sweet softness that she graces me with and leaves me in charge of.
She makes me want to be the best man I can be for her and her submission makes me see the world in a different light. Sometimes I play the roll of fixer, teacher, doctor, or disciplinarian, but though I wear many hats, I think the true source of power for any couple is always love. Through love we found ourselves and I think that is the answer to "What does the spanker/HoH/Top get out of it". I really can't answer for other men, but I think for me it is the chance to be what I have always been, the chance to help something beautiful grow into something intangible to others, to watch our sons grow into strong, intelligent men, to be the difference in a world that has often times left me feeling like I had no place... until June. The ability to lead and guide and make a difference to three very special people who have changed my life for the better.
Being the HoH is one of the greatest things I have achieved, I guess the way that it can best be put is that it "Feels like home" Some of the other elements that make our love, our relationship all the brighter is our constant communication and a physical openess that is different than most other couples. We are constantly holding hands or near each other. Sometimes a perfect night ends with us holding hands on the couch or me gently rubbing her tired feet or gently massaging her calves. Touch is a powerful thing and even beyond the obvious a physical connection is a very powerful thing. Sometimes after a hard day she rubs my back and even if I have had the worst day ever it turns me into a unapologetic romantic.
I guess we differ than some DD couples in that we have a deep, deep passion for spanking. In addition to discipline, and stress relief we have found that it is actually a relationship enhancer for both of us. She handles things better when she is spanked regularly and for both of us it enforces our roles within our relationship in a healthy and beautiful way.
In closing I'll say it again... to June, to you all... What do I get out of this? My answer? Everything.
Ward honors me with his words. And again, there exists this lovely reciprocity. His dominance allows me to submit, my submission allows him to lead. And it is comfortable, and he IS my home. We are a little different than some other DD couples, I suppose, in that we are spankos. I DO need it and often. It does help me to deal with things more effectively, calmly.
Does being spanked feel the same to me as it does to some other women? Heck yeah, it hurts. And in the moment I may wonder what I was thinking. My need is more about the things that surround it. It's feeling my place, feeling his guidance, it's feeling his dominance, it's being able to let go and be vulnerable to him, it's letting go of the things that eat away at confidence and serenity.
At the heart of it, both of us are deeply spiritual. We both believe that the design of the creator is for the male energy to lead, to assume headship, and for the female energy to submit, to follow, to be helpmeet. We believe that this does not preclude communication, or reciprocity in a genuine listening to each other, deference, respect, genuine deep affection and love. We believe that we are charged with nurturing and giving to the world two people who will bring betterment to it. We believe that the creator, in an ultimate act of kind and loving generosity gave us each to the other, us and our children.
Thank you, my love, for sharing your heart, and your words, and for answering my questions. I love our communication. And I love you.
I will be posting something in the coming days about domestic discipline, spanking and several other topics of interest from a real life, honest to goodness, domestic discipline supporting HoH and spanking lifestyler. In the mean time, please enjoy these pics and have a marvelous weekend!
Ahhhh the warm glow of toasty round cheeks... There is nothing quite like spanking is there?
These luscious, round, plump spankables are brought to you by plector, RedRump, and the web.
Daddy gave me an assignment today...to write something fun and spanky - sigh - my head is still full of weekend yummies and ....well it just wouldn't do to share that.... I DID close the door after all. He gave me a few other assignments as well...I'm not especially inclined to share those either. C'mon, I love you all, but I'm just a shy, old-fashioned girl after all.....okay, a slightly kinky, shy, old-fashioned girl.
So I decided to write about the human brain...JUNE! That's not fun! Stop your pouting, now.... we'll make it - well at least interesting.Have a little faith! Have I ever misled you?
Ahem.... It has been said that the brain is the 'Sexiest Part of the Human Body'. And research 'indicates that holding your partner’s hand reduces activation in those brain regions that govern emotional and behavioral responding to threat responses, to a greater degree than holding either no hand or the hand of a stranger.' I'm sure you've noticed in the images on this blog that I have a particular fascination with hands. Ward and I always have our fingers interlocked - in the grocery store, driving, watching tv, when I am across his lap (even if you like it who doesn't feel a little fight or flight when it gets really intense?), when we make love. So that particular scientific finding makes just tons and tons of sense - in the context of Ward and I at least.
Sexual arousal, and in fact the act of falling in love, are functions of our reptilian brain, it is a function designed to ensure propagation of the species. What does that mean? Means we cannot control when we become aroused, and we cannot control the act of falling in love. As with all other neurological functions, they are initiated and controlled by neurochemicals, dopamine in this case, which when we engage in activities that ensure species survival turns on our reward circuit. Dopamine also is the 'gotta have it chemical....the more we engage in survival activities (eating, drinking, propagation), the more we want, the more we need, the more we seek.
When we are aroused or stressed (yes, ladies, this explains why spankings help for stress relief!) our bodies also release norepinephrine which depletes serotonin. The deep touch of spanking, of being held firmly provides proprioceptive input, which raises our serotonin level. The spanking also releases oxytocin, a natural pain reliever and the brain chemical behind bonding and staying in love. It is also called the cuddle or bonding hormone. Men are also affected by adrenaline, testosterone and vasopressin (a hormone essential to orgasm).
Now the way our brains function, is to embed this sensory input into our reptilian brain as memory - this touch means that you will get feel good hormone soup! This could also explain bratting to a certain extent, especially if you are reluctant to admit that you need or enjoy being spanked. You will engage in behavior that will bring the stimulus that you crave and will bring the desired neurochemicals and emotional bonding. I myself have no compunction against asking.... I know, I know...
How does it feel? Exquisitely pleasurable. He comes in, you hand him a drink, he feels honored, by the simple act of submission. His hand may go to your hair, which he will fist, and pull you towards him and own you with his kiss.. The process of arousal begins in both of you with endorphins, and then our amygdala is triggered and we are on auto-pilot. A soft breath across his lips, a soft look from under the lashes of lowered eyes. The growl - Mine! The whisper - yes. Teeth on your neck, you bare your neck to him. He speaks, you respond. It's a lovely dance.
He reaches around slides your pants down, whispers - 'you won't need these'. Your brain is already floating in a sea of feel good and you have lost all power to speak - you nod. He smiles, whispers 'good girl' and guides you across his lap. All you want is more. He rubs and strokes and you think you will lose your mind, you're breathing hard and fast, he begins to spank, softly, firmly his hand cupping around your cheeks as he spanks. He stops to praise, to kiss, to stroke, your body responds. He dips his hand to test and comes back smiling.
He spanks one spot ferociously, leaving you squirming, moves to another, your hand snakes back, not to deflect, to take his, he laces his fingers with yours, and continues to redden his target. When you are panting, he bends, kisses, speaks softly of love and pride, and his hands soothe and minister and the pain is forgotten, when he starts again, it is as if he starts anew. Then you dissolve into each other and minister each to the other, and fueled by your biology, your love and your bond and your attachment deepen.
How does it feel? It is exquisite, you are owned, you are safe to yield and be vulnerable, you are a bundle of pleasure, both emotional and physical. And the place you go to, together, is insular and of your own making. And you want to do it again and again and again....
(Ward had a prior engagement, so please come back tomorrow evening to get his POV. Why then did I publish it? Because he told me to, and I'm a good girl.)
A touch of lust, a sprinkle of science, a dash of heat and great big gobs of love and laughter... What June has described is our potent and heady recipe for a loving home and a harmonious, loving relationship. When she gives me the bright and shining gift of her submission it is like a kiss during a downpour, like a chocolate cake in a thunderstorm, and like the most seductively sweet thing I've ever known. Her body sings to me and mine calls to her, our minds meld and we both gain so much from our communication and unity. I become more addicted to my lady every second...
I suppose this isn't going to be an overly thoughtful post, but sometimes I think is important to be thankful for what we've got. Today was a wonderful day and I suspect that the splendor of the weekend will be just as lovely. So tell me folks, what does the weekend have in store for you? Any big plans? Fall is near upon us and I suppose I could be doing a thousand other things, but I think this will be a good weekend for just kicking back, watching football and of course....
more of this....
and some of this
Thanks again for being part of our blog! We love sharing with you folks, you teach us a lot and we hope you learn a little something from us too! Enjoy this beautiful early autumn weekend!
MMMMM, I like the way my Daddy thinks :)
*waves & closes door*
See ya Monday!
Stormy wrote a wonderful, insightful post yesterday Go The Distance. She and I have talked about distancing before here on blogland. We both have rules against distancing. We both struggle with it.
Stormy wrote: "He says Distancing is Dangerous. He says its Disobedient. He says its Defiant. He says its Deceptive. Eeeeeek! Stop, you're freaking me out now, Dude."
Dang, yes, please, stop - you're freaking me out too - that's every single basic rule we have.....but Ogre's right - sigh.
"What does distancing look like to a man? It looks like distrust. I was staggered a bit when this thought hit me suddenly. WOW. So I am telling him that I don't trust him?"
I was staggered, too. That's what it is. Oh my goodness. My response to Stormy was:
Wow, Stormy, I never thought of it from Ward's POV,and I don't think we've ever really talked about it specifically beyond the fact that distancing is damaging and has no place in our relationship.
I got warned about distancing last week, and still I thought it was about wanting to know what I am thinking so that he can help - which it is - but I don't think I ever realized that it meant I was withholding my trust. But that's exactly what it is, isn't it?
We all know the saying that our actions speak louder than words. I tell him all the time that I love him and I trust him - and I do, more than I ever have another person. But if I distance, when push comes to shove, I prove that I don't.
That's a powerful insight. I think Ward and I need to talk that out....and I think I owe him an apology. Thank you, Stormy.
Daddy had called from work, and we spoke in the few brief moments about the post and I asked if we could discuss it last night. He said of course.
When Daddy got home he took my hand and whispered in my ear that it was time for a spanking. It was firmer than usual and none of the lovely little breaks to rub, and I thought it was stress relief for Daddy. Then he finally did pause and he whispered "I won't let you drift away, little one." And at his words I pulled back into focus, "Was I drifting, Daddy?" He rubbed, "The last day you were, a little." And tears came because I didn't know I was. I should have felt it and I didn't. He soothed and said he didn't expect me to be perfect, but he wouldn't fail me. And then he said it was time to finish up and he did, and then took me in his arms. Some lovely things followed that come with reconnection (not correction, thankfully, he pulled me back before I got too far away - just discipline) and it was lovely and sweet.
Then the evening chores presented themselves, laundry to fold, homework and dinner to make, baths for the boys, bedtime, and finally, our time. We cuddled up and talked about the things in Stormy's post that had struck me - hard. I said that I hadn't even felt that I was distancing, how in the world do I stop something of which I'm unaware? Daddy gave me a forehead kiss (those are yummy!) and said that's what he's there for. But I don't like feeling like I do things I don't understand. He said not to think so much (that should be HIS mantra - I know I think things to death). And he asked me how it felt.
Wow...how does it feel? Well I feel small and scared....maybe despairing....insignificant.... and totally irrational. I didn't think to ask, but Daddy probably knows - the times I have distanced seem to coincide with absence - he went back to work - it's not 9-5. They can call at any time, any day he could come home and have a 4 or 5 day mission - blech. And let's not even talk about deployment. When we were talking on the phone, when he felt more distance, he had just sent me an email that he had to work late...on the first day back. It's not anything over which he has control. It's distressing nonetheless, and irrational because we're both at the mercy of the forces that be there.
All of that sounds whiny, and weak, and because of that I resist it. I'm his little girl, but I'm his woman, too, I'm supposed to be his partner, his helpmate. How bloody annoying is it to have a whiny helpmate? So I stuff it down instead of sharing how very much I miss him, how very much I need him, how essential he is to my existence. And in rebelling against that weak and whiny voice - am I also rebelling against him? You know, guys, this is just getting worse and worse and worse. Sometimes I hate blogging... because I have to write it out and ruminate, and think, and figure it out, and see it and - oh please no - accept it so I can fix it...I don't know if I can fix it - it happens outside of my conscious mind - it's an undercurrent - probably because that is how I've coped most of my life.....okay, yes - my life before Ward - sigh..... For Daddy's part, my sweet Daddy-love said I am a priority, this family is a priority, as well as his duties as it's head. I am very lucky, and sometimes I don't feel that I serve him as well as I wish to. So I guess it's a good thing that we do TTWD, so that I don't have to feel that way for long. Daddy's lap is a magic place, and his love is my miracle.
June is my life, my strength, my inspiration, our family is a priority, not an option and it is my honor and privilege as well as my greatest accomplishment. Sometimes life gets to her, to us and it is my work to ensure that our home as well as all in it are well cared for. It is a pleasure to listen and to help, it is an honor to give guidance and clarity and it is a true labor of love to build a loving home for such a lovely, genuine person. I am humbled to share a life with this lady, and even though our thoughts aren't always soft, quiet, easy ones I am glad I can be her strength and comfort.
When she begins to put distance between us, I feel disquieted and it alerts me to her needs, and the needs of our relationship. I don't allow distancing for a lot of reasons, the biggest of which is the health of our relationship. I think through vigilance and constant positive reinforcement we can both provide the stability and comfort that we both need and crave.