Pride

 

I am only human. I have many faults. I have a hamster that spins fear into great big insurmountable entities, that can cower me, make me hide. When that happens my walls go up, and, oh Lord, they go up fast and as hard as I can make them.






I have been guilty of building some walls lately. Some I was not even really aware of, until he told me. Even when he told me I was too wrapped up in my own self to see how that made him feel. I was too wrapped up in my hurt to feel his. Instead of asking, I mistook his attempt to be strong, for him being cavalier. I thought that meant he was not so affected by the pending potential separation. And that gave my hamster lots of fuel to spin fast and furious.

Daddy called a summit. It wasn't fun, and it wasn't easy. It hurt. It was hard, and I wanted to run away, but he didn't let me. Did the walls come down right then? No. I took what Daddy said and stuffed it with all the other 'stuff' behind my walls. Not cozy those walls, no, they are crowded, and noisy, and there are so many things jammed down inside there that they pinch and poke and stick you. I apologized, and vowed to do better, and I received better than I deserved from him.


The next day, I went about my day, seeing him off to work, getting the kids ready for school, planning meals, cleaning, working, folding laundry. As I sat here, folding, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks, bricks from the quickly constructed wall, tumbling all around me. You see, he didn't bring the wall down right away, he planted seeds that grew behind the wall, and pushed it down from the inside.




I hugged the clothes to me and wet them anew with my tears. I had been selfish. I had been so consumed with fear of him not being where he was 'supposed' to be, that I robbed both of us of love, and comfort and intimacy. I forgot to express my pride in him, in us, and in so doing, I chipped away at his confidence and maybe even his pride in himself. I was so wrapped up in the fact that the Navy could keep us apart yet again, that I lost sight of us.






The seeds he planted ensured that none of those bricks would come down and crush me, but I sat in the rubble, convicted, and so regretful that I had not remembered to build him up, that I had not remembered to show my pride and respect for what he has accomplished in his career, and my pride and respect because of the kind of man that he is.








You see, there are about 313,914,040 people in this country. There are 340,001 active duty troops in the US Navy. and about 60,000 sailors manning the submarine fleet. My Daddy has accomplished what only 18% of Naval personnel has accomplished and what only 1.9% of the population of the United States has done. 

When I could see, and breathe normally, I sent him an email, because I can't call him when he is working. I told him that I was insanely proud of him, and what he has accomplished, and that I saw the him beyond his career, and I was insanely proud of the man that he is. I told him that I am proud of his intelligence, and his humor, his bravery, his confidence and his honor. I told him that I would shout that pride from the rooftops, that it was carved into my heart, soul and mind, and that I would carve it into my flesh, and be proud to wear his mark.

 

So we talked again, when he got home, this time with the walls down, and my heart ...and his...raw and bared to the other. And good things came from the pain. We vowed never to try to spare the other our feelings - that is dishonesty and it is distance. Even when it's hard we will speak the truths of our heart...even when it's hard to say...even when it's hard to hear. But we'll listen and get through it together. We renewed the vow to speak our love and our pride every day. I promised to ask my questions instead of letting the hamster feed on fear. And I promised to never let my fear get in the way of telling him just how very proud of him I am... every single day.

HIS POV:  

Sometimes, it's not easy, sometimes, to see each other, really see each other we have to go beyond our own field of vision. Distance is harmful all the time and in order for us to see that, we must allow our partner to voice their concern, keep us honest and help us up out of the rubble once the walls do come crashing down.

 

I will say this, June has always stood by me through thick and thin, and We have both gone through a lot. In regard to being a military spouse, I could not ask better of June that she has given me and I know how difficult it is, how painful it is and how it makes just basic communication harder. Even when she puts up walls, even when it  is obvious that she hurts, even when she draws away I love her harder, pull her closer, and keep our relationship at the front of my mind and heart.

Distance makes it harder to see our greatest blessings in both each other and the life that we share and for the good of our relationship, I took and will always take a stand against the quiet, against the intentional distance and against emotional hiding... and I will do that because I love my June just that much.

Tested

 

The life of a submissive woman is full of tests. There are the conscious tests that our men present us with to help us learn to bend,  to help us stretch our limits, our horizons, our trust. These come as expectations of deference, expectations of obedience, expectations of grace. We are expected to follow the rules we establish for our relationships. As we all know sometimes just everyday life makes simple compliance a test all in itself. And we are tested to take that moment to compose ourselves and not reply with that knee-jerk snappy response, or eye-roll. There are the tests designed to deepen our submission - those calls or texts, with instructions, so that we can feel ourselves under their hands. There are those deepening tests that call us to make more public displays of our submission, wearing some symbol of his control or our submission in public, be it visible or invisible, it is there and we are acutely aware. There are the tests in discipline, a hated implement, a more vigorous than normal spanking, and our efforts to yield gracefully.




There are the tests we give ourselves, in submitting gracefully,  even when it's hard. We try to be anticipatory in service. We try to provide those things that make home refuge without being asked, to provide extraordinary comfort before he knows what he needs. We test ourselves when given the choice to choose an implement and we choose perhaps not our favorite, but his - or one that presents a challenge to us, because doing so signifies our trust and our desire to give him that. We test ourselves when we sense that he needs to feel our submission and we offer ourselves freely to him. We test ourselves in giving our willing hearts, and our softest demeanor.


And there are the tests that life throws our way. These may be the hardest of all because maybe they shake our men as well - the ones that are our anchors, the ones we lean on, the ones we depend on. And it's disconcerting to see them struggle - we want to think that they have all the answers...right now. What happens when they have career decisions to make? What happens when you are in financial negotiations? What happens when someone else holds the future of your family in their hands? This is where you must put your trust in the hands of your HoH. This is his job to handle the negotiations to the best of his ability and steer the ship in the best direction for your family. It is hard, and when you worry and obsess it is the same as saying you do not have confidence in your man.



I can speak on this with confidence because this is where we have been. I give Ward my deference in all things. It is my place to do so, and I relish the giving. There is talk periodically in blogland about layers. I've spoken before about being dismayed to feel I have given my complete submission, and finding another layer... finding a place of resistance... finding a place where I fail. This is my latest layer. People who administrate the process make promises and drag their heels, change the offerings, put things on the table that would cause our family to be separated. And instead of handing my worries to him, I allow distance to grow... so he cannot see my worry, don't you know.

Except that's not what is happening. I'm not shielding him. I am depriving him of comfort and support. I am not being his soft place to land. He needs to know I am in his corner. He needs to know that I trust him to make the right decision. He needs my confidence in his vision for our family. So my darling, I unclamp my fist, and I put this in your hands. I trust you to lead us. I open my heart and give you the love and the need that fed this fear. I acknowledge that this fear was unfounded, because you will always have this family in the fore of your mind. I submit my fear to you.

Worries are nothing more than little puffs of nothings when we are together, when we love and support each other, when we have each other's backs and the best interest of each other, our relationship and our family at heart.

HIS POV: 

June's trust and faith in me shake me to the very core. The thoughts of an HoH, the thoughts of a future more blessed are heavy and browsome indeed. Practicing and honing the art of deference, submission when it is not an easy thing to do is a crown of light unto June and a wreath of stars around her neck.  She is the apple of my eye and again my greatest blessing. The life I lead is not an easy one and I am not always such a easy man to know. Even on the hard days I recognize the effort that she places in her emotion and reaction to things that aren't always easy to hear or when perhaps fatigue has gotten the better of me.  She is always there, always trying, always deepening her submission and always quenching the rampant thirst of my dominance.

Layers of thoughts, dreams, worries, fears are only natural, especially when the sum of the future is held by a larger entity.  But that's it! In this I have found that with June's love, confidence, submission, deference, input, and energy and my determination, strength, dedication and commitment there is no wrong path... As long as she has my back, and as long as I can show her that I have the best interest of our family in mind. The future brings many questions but one thing that is not in question is our love... it grows bright and hot like a curling flame devouring kindling, it swells like a cresting wave, and quenches like cold water on a hot day. Responsibility is a burden, yes, but one that I bear with joy in my heart and determination to see my family lifted and blessed the best way I can.  I may yet continue in service to this country, I may exit and focus on education and the future while working to provide in many other ways...either way this is for my family, all of us, and I will not falter...

"Oh love! Where you are close, I'd hear the beating of your heart... My ear would hear the soft whispers of your heart... your worries, your dreams, I must demand them... I will take them and I will not fail you. I will guard your heart, as you would guard mine and in our love we will shake the very heavens." ~BTL

The No-Shutdown Rule

                                                      

    There are times in a DD/TTWD relationship that discipline and correction will be a dreaded but  necessary action that  requires a clear mind, a firm hand, and an open, honest heart.  I've talked about discipline and correction in other posts before, but in this post I'd like to illustrate the importance of connectivity, even during correction, unmet expectations, or hurt feelings.

Sometimes it can be difficult to express the let-down that we feel in our partner's actions, non-actions and potentially careless words or deeds. That's why June and I feel that communication and expression are vital to us and our interpretation of this lifestyle. Sometimes irritation, disappointments, hurt feelings, etc. can cloud  the effectiveness of  what we are really trying to communicate. I know that I can be fairly adamant about my expectations and when they should be met. In most instances June and I are very much on the same page, but there have been a few occasions where she or I were off the mark and needed to take a few min to get emotion out of the picture, think clearly and not let hurt or anger get the best of us.

                                                      

 

We also believe that taking time is one thing, but drawing out an unresolved problem is unhealthy and unnecessary.  Shutting down is never acceptable in our house. I mean I have to think that if I am the HoH and I am to effectively lead and guide my family, that it is even LESS acceptable for me to start shutting down and be non-communicative. In the beginning this was something that I struggled with and no, I'm not proud of that. June got me thinking and talking and for me that was a major, major step, even outside DD/TTWD. I've never been in a relationship that made communication so easy, so fluid, and so welcome and even despite my attempts to clam-up and keep to myself, our love won out and I found my voice.  We think that it is far better to put things on the table, refine our thoughts, and turn towards the relationship in order to clear the air and move forwards before the sun sets.  Letting an issue stagnate can only lead to hard feelings, and cracks in the armor of our relationships and our own interaction.

                                            


  When  June and I discussed the foundation of our relationship we realized that one of the things that makes BOTH of us better is accountability and while I may not be the one on the receiving end of a good spanking, the standards of our relationship must, do and in fact apply to a higher standard for me. We often tell our youngest to "use your words" and that's something that I do in fact have to tell myself.... I'll be honest in that regard.  I'm like a lot of men, I don't want to talk about it... but being the man, the man my wife and children look to for answers, the head of our home, has taught me that I can't afford to do that anymore... That and June will, and in fact should, call me on that.  If it came down to it, she would place herself across my lap and have me spank her until I could communicate the emotions that I was feeling and how we can get to a better place.



                                                   

 Harmony can be disrupted fairly easily, sometimes we don't take notice of the small things our partners do to enrich our lives and our families. Sometimes it seems as if our partners don't care, or like what is important to us isn't important to them and that can and does hurt. Nobody likes to have their thoughts or feelings marginalized and I think that puts the onus on the HoH to ensure that there is no shut-down, no loss of communication and no distances that can hurt the relationship in either the long or short-term.  Take the time to put your emphasis on getting to a shared place of comfort that  has the strength and conviction to move forward despite discomfort, hurt feelings and/or anger.... The relationship benefits and let's be honest, folks, there are way better things to be doing at the end of the day than fighting or not talking to each other... just sayin!

                                                     

                                                         

Her POV:

This has been my greatest challenge. Because of my life, it has always been safer to shut-down. If you let them see how you were affected, or that you were hurt or bothered, it only got worse. I was very good at stuffing things down. Daddy does not allow this...not in the very least. The first time, during a conversation about the necessity of communicating what I felt, he used the phrase - passive-aggressive.....just cut me to the very core. He's right...he always is (sighs....schnoots to Daddy ALWAYS being right!....jk). It is passive aggressive. I wasn't aware of it. My tone was clipped, my answers short. "Yes, Daddy" became an eyes down "yes" .... shudders. But those were just the motions of our dynamic, it was not authentic.

Then we got to a different place. I would communicate... not right away. Sometimes I needed that moment to stuff down that eye roll, or that sarcastic remark and think about how I really felt and filter my emotions. It got me spanked. Why? I didn't communicate that I needed a moment to process, that I wasn't distancing myself from him, from us, but that I was using a minute to work things out in the framework of our relationship and be able to bring it to him respectfully. So I got spanked. Then we talked. He apologized. And I said if I need that moment, how about if I saw, "Daddy, I need a minute to process, please." Then he knows I am not shutting down.

It works. It lets us both know that we are present for each other, and for our relationship. He can do this too... and he has, "Daddy needs a moment to sort this out, lovey. We'll talk about this later (or tonight)." This space gives us the opportunity to enumerate our points, make sure we understand what we need, and frame them in the best possible way to serve our relationship.

I will call him on it. In TTWD I am very much accountable to him. But he is also accountable to me, to our God, and to our family as the head of our home, Distancing is so damaging. There is nothing in the world wrong with holding him accountable....respectfully. I did it wrong in the beginning..."You know what would happen to me if I did what you're doing?" YIKES! But as soft hand on his shoulder, or his leg, or just curling up beside him and winding my fingers with his, a soft kiss and a,"Daddy, distance is against our rules. I think we need to talk about what's on your mind.", or yes, laying across his lap... sometimes both. If the air needs to be cleared, this is the mechanism we have established to do so. No, not correction, discipline, we all need it... it goes hand in hand with accountability.

And the bottom line - heck yeah, there are better things we can be doing :)

The Value of Good Girl Spankings (An HoH's Perspective)

                                                                                                                

                                                            

 June has done several posts on the pleasurable  and connective experience that a good girl spanking can bring to a DD/TTWD relationship. I think it's high time that I weighed in on this and several other subjects.  A good girl spanking  is a spanking that is designed to bring a couple closer through the use of pleasure, touch, intimacy, and good old-fashioned dominance and submission to bring said couple to a state of pleasure, unity, and release. This reaffirms the bond  and clearly defines roles.  and oh yeah.... it's fun!

I also believe that for the newly initiated  HoH  these spankings can provide a wonderful and pressure-free opportunity to explore, embrace and enhance their new found roll in a "safe"  stress-less, and delightfully sensual way.

                                             

                                       

One of the beautiful things about what June and I share is our shared delight in many pleasurable things.  A good foot-rub, a long soak in the tub (sadly, I'm really too tall for this one, too long) and of course spending  much quality "us time" behind  closed bedroom doors as we can.  This perhaps seems obvious, but let us see if we can take a look at some of the valuable things that an evening of fun-centric spanking has.
                                       

                                                        

Time - Time is gold, there is never enough of it. From dawn until dusk many of us have hyper-busy, super packed schedules that make us feel like a hot shower is a luxury.  You've all heard me extol the virtues of making time for the ones we love. I'll go one step further and say that sometimes sacrificing what little 'you time' you have in favor of time spent improving your relationship can be seen as a precious gift.  I'm known and renowned amongst my guy friends, for passing up that beer after work in favor of precious time spent with June. Time is the one thing that we will never really have enough of, and the gift of time in favor of your love and relationship over other pursuits is always precious.

                                                     

Discipline - Gasp! somebody said the dreaded d-word!  Discipline and correction are two different things, and in fact even in the most exquisite, alluring, toe-curling instances of soft and pleasure-focused spanking, roles can be affirmed, lessons can be learned and the chance to both give and receive physical expressions of love, dominance and submission  is truly wonderful.

                                                                                             

                                                                                           

 

Pleasure - It goes without saying that a good girl spanking should be a pleasurable experience. Soft touches, the warm embrace of skin against skin, the warmth of leather, the sternness of sensation can all lead to a warm and pleasurable cocktail of unified delight, stress relief and generous love-making.

  

                                                      

 

A New Strength - Finding the delight in each other, being thankful for what we have and where we are now  and guarding our relationships against the dents and dings that everyday life throws at us is a wonderful strength that we have found. Stress, disagreements, bills, kids,  work, schedule-conflicts can all lead to distraction, misdirection, hurt-feelings, angry words, fighting and the other kind of spanking.... GG's are better folks, and finding that strength, that strength to say yes when we don't really understand, that strength that says I love you instead of "I'm right" that strength begins with closeness and togetherness, two things that GG type spankings provide and are conducive to.

                                                                                             

These things and many more lay waiting just beyond the thoughts of our partners, take time, make time to listen, make time to talk. Express your love, your submission or  your dominance.   Improving our relationships is often as simple as communicating and you know the beautiful thing  about communication is that sometimes the strongest messages are best sent without words.

                                            

                                                      

                           

Her POV: 

Daddy speaks of time, and I will tell you that he is a man of his word, that he walks the talk, he is not empty rhetoric. He proves his philosophy, his personal credo time after time, day after day. The first time it happened, I was astounded. I sat beside him and blinked. Daddy is an absolute football fanatic. There was a game on that he wanted to see. Something happened...now, I can't tell you what was going on, I can't remember what was said, but this I remember...I stuffed something down, because I knew he had waited to see that game, and it could wait really. And he saw it, felt it. He picked up the remote, turned off that TV, and took my hand, pulled me down next to him. I said, "It's okay, Daddy, it can wait. You've been waiting for the game." He kissed me, kissed my hand and said, "It's not more important than you, lovey."

That's the building we can do, simple little acts. No, I can't remember what precipitated the moment, that's not really important, the bigger matter was that my man communicated in a clear, concrete way that I mean something to him, that my concerns are important, and what I think and feel matters. It is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. And yeah, he got plenty lucky after....REALLY lucky ;-P

Discipline - should discipline make it's way into a gg, spanking? Well, that's part of our dynamic, and when we reinforce the foundations of our lives, we make them stronger, and easier to live...second nature. Daddy can get quite vigorous with the application of the brush in a gg...yes it hurts. But this is what I give to him, my submission to his authority, my acknowledgement that he is free to give me what he chooses to give me....[luckily for me, he chooses to give me his best]. It's not so much a reminder of what can happen if I break our rules, if I am not my best self, it is both of us acknowledging our places and that all things, my pleasure and my pain, belong to him, and his acceptance of them. It is the acknowledgement that I can trust him to uphold us, and to never harm me.

Pleasure, well as we stated above, my pleasure comes from him, his comes from me, and it belongs to us. It is not merely a physical pleasure, it goes far beyond that...it is spiritual, it is all encompassing, it is pleasure in existence within each other....without that the physical would be nothing more than an entertaining little rut.

Yes, all of these things make us stronger, make us turn to each other, helps us focus on each other, and our relationship and our family. It makes it silly to have to argue a point, and easy to say - I understand love, I see it differently - and validate each other without minimizing either of us. And because we know that we are heard, and our views and feelings are important, and that transitory troubles cannot break the strong love in which we live.
                                  

I need your grace

We struggle, my Darling, under the weight of all these fears. And like the song exhorts, I would wish that I could just lay down here, have you lie with me and we could just forget the world, duty, and submarines, and distance.

I promised you long ago that I would be your safe place to land. I hope that I do that, you deserve that, and I need to give you that. In these days, with their interminable waiting, and trepidation of the possible news, I try to be supportive. I pray for the grace that I need to serve us and to support you in your duty. And I am afraid that in trying to protect you from the rawness of my fear, that I have not been that soft place.

"I need your grace to remind me to find my own" - and I tell you that I am afraid of the distance and that I don't understand why I am pushing away, and the soft fingers on my face and the gentle voice, "I think I understand, lovey" and you speak my heart, and I cry. I cry because I have been blessed with grace beyond measure. I have been blessed with you. And I find my belief in all that is good, and I find my faith that this is meant to be, and I find that God has given me all the grace that I will ever need in you.

I love you, and I thank you for your faith, your patience, your love, your strength,your guidance, gentle. And I thank God every single second of every single day for you.



HIS POV: 
God grant me the strength to be the man that you deserve. His grace is unquestionable and I am only his instrument. I pray for that nightly and my blessing in you is manifest and undeniable. Grace is there even through the difficult times, even when it isn't easy, even when it hurts. What we have is always beautiful, always powerful and I think even when you are quiet, even when the distance is there, you can feel it.... I love you... and I thank the Lord for blessing me beyond my wildest of dreams.

The Spanking Game

Old-Fashioned Marriage made a post about distancing and made an interesting proposition. He proposed that the wife be spanked as a consequence for the husband distancing, under the understanding that he bears the responsibility for all that goes on in the relationship (true), and since he cannot be held accountable, punishing his wife for his transgression would act to correct his behavior.

Ward and I do something kind of like that, but the thought behind it is a little different. I do not assume punishment for him. But when I sense that he is stressed, perhaps a little distant, I will bring him the hairbrush (his weapon errrrrr implement of choice), say "Go ahead, Daddy, you'll feel better", and drape my panty-covered bottom over his lap. And he always does feel better. And I feel good that I can offer that to him.

One time, on a particularly evil, not good, very bad day, (after a duty day prior to the last deployment) I wanted to pull him back to his happier self, and remind him that life was not always going to be this hard. So I thought and thought and thought, and this is what I did.

I laid a cool drink on the table where he would sit, as well as some sliced fruit and cheese and crackers. When he came in, I kissed him and slid his coat off his arms, loosened and removed his tie, sat him in his chair. After removing his boots and socks I gave him a relaxing foot massage and listened to his sighs as I explained what he saw on the table and floor.



I had laid out some pillows on the floor in front of the table. On the table were 6 bowls with slips of paper. One was labeled Action. It contained slips of paper with the words, lick, suck, spank, etc.Another labeled Substance with words like honey, chocolate, whipped cream, etc. Another was labeled body part. Another labeled Implement, which needs no explanation, lol. One was labeled position. And the last labeled Duration. 



 
Also on the table were 2 trays:

The game went: you chose a slip from the action bowl. If you received an impact word, you chose additional slips from the implement, position and duration bowls. If you chose a lick/suck/kiss word, you chose a slip from the substance, body part and duration bowls. Obviously, if it was an impact word, my bottom was the bottom being impacted regardless of who drew the slip, lol. And if you chose a 'mouth' word or massage/caress word you performed the action on the other partner.

Needless to say, by the time we were done playing,  communication was flowing easily, there was no distancing and no holding back, and I had one very deliriously relaxed, totally de-stressed Daddy....and we put the dinner on 'warm'.


HIS POV:  June knows my heart so well.  She takes such expert care of me that it makes me want to compose poetry to her name and glory.  As the head of our home I have to recognize that I need to be accountable to our standard and being a stressed out mess does not help.  We are  very blessed to count ourselves good communicators and I am very very fortunate to have her as my lady. This game was a blast and it's a wonderful way to pass a fall day, even when everything is going great!

Broken

I came damaged. I was broken. If you ask Ward he will tell you that I have changed, that I am less fearful than when we first knew each other. I know that I once projected a sense of false bravado that I have abandoned. I don't need it anymore.But once upon a time I needed it. It was how I protected myself. I was the odd bird with the very strange plumage and the stranger vocalizations, because if you were odd, people didn't get too close. And if they did, you could always distance. Yup. I had it all covered.




The woman who gave birth to me was schizophrenic. I talked before about the things that happened in the house where I grew. She was physically abusive.She was verbally and emotionally abusive. She let her men touch me and use me in ways a child should never know. I learned to dissociate, to be unaffected, to suppress my emotions to such an extent that you would have thought I was a mannequin. I learned to distance rather than feel very early in life.







When I was out in the world, just old enough to work (both to get out of the house - away from her, and because it was required - she wanted the money), I learned that if you were quiet - and non-conformist - usually people left you alone. I shaved my head.I dressed in steel-toed boots and jeans, or all black if required to wear skirts or dresses...WITH black boots. That usually kept people at a distance. And if it didn't, if they were curious about this odd person, my mask of bravado was enough to hold them at bay. And if it didn't, well I never really let anyone in close enough to hurt me.



Then I did, three times. None of them ended well. All of them ended with me working multiple jobs to support my partners who were jobless for two to six years. And while I was working seven days a week, in some cases 16-18 hours a day, they found other partners. And I was convinced that I was not enough, never would be. Even my own mother couldn't love me. I was unattractive, in mind and body, and apparently lacking in heart. This is what I was told and shown over and over and over from earliest memory. I honestly believed that I carried some defect, some darkness because of my birth. I felt that the darkness inhabited my soul, and could be seen and felt.

Then I saw a poem that touched my heart and soul and wrote to the author to express my gratitude for having been blessed in the reading of it, and I met my Ward. The Story of How We Met is found elsewhere on the blog and I won't bore you with that again either (even though I love the story). As we got to know each other better, I was sure that he would see the darkness, too, that he would find the thing that made him run, that the brokenness would send him screaming into the night. But it didn't.

He tries to get me to see me as he does. He tries to help silence the nagging little voice that says he will find me out. He is patient and kind and he gently and diligently calls my surrender of those things that can put a distance between us.. He makes rules to try to guide my thoughts away from the notion that I am not enough. He has made a rule that I may not make self-disparaging remarks. He says that I have been lied to all my life, and that I do not see myself clearly because of those lies.  Sometimes when we are having a conversation about how I am feeling, I will ask for immunity so that I can express what goes through my mind. I have come to realize, with Stormy's help, that when I distance (another rule) it looks to him like I do not trust him with my thoughts and feelings and fears. So I have made an effort to give him those things, I think I've been pretty successful.

One of the most frustrating...disheartening things that I have found in our foray into blogland, and the subsequent self-discovery that it brings, is that every time I believe that I have FINALLY surrendered the very last thing to Ward, that I am completely open and holding nothing back...I find another.

We were having an innocent conversation, and Daddy said something sweet. He said that he felt my love enhance his and us. And I replied with an earnest, 'I hope so.' I meant only that I hoped I was worthy. There was a pause and he asked if he could ask me a question, I said of course. And he asked why I say things like 'I hope so', that it was like I doubt what we are.


I was crushed...I had hurt him.I don't doubt him, and I don't doubt us. I  doubt my own worthiness of this beautiful love. He told me that I am beautiful and complicated and his...and I marveled that he still wanted me, even with all the cracks and imperfections And as he talked, he gently placed another piece of broken little me back in place. He made sure that it fit, and that the bond made with his patience and his love was strong. 

 
The next time, a day or two later, that Daddy said something to which my knee-jerk response was to be 'I hope so", I stopped with the words on the tip of my tongue, and took a breath, met his eyes and said, 'Thank you, Daddy."

I came broken, and he is slowly and patiently putting me back together. And he gives me wings.

 

HIS  POV: 
June's early life was one of adversity and disquiet.  I would see her elevated beyond the hurt of the past and help her see the beauty that has always existed in both form and spirit.  I know that there are scars on or within us all. I guess the way I see  it,  nurturing each other is ALWAYS a priority. It is always a comfort to know that she is there for me too. I too have a very "lived in" life and it is a comfort to know that she is always here for me!

Distancing

Stormy wrote a wonderful, insightful post yesterday Go The Distance. She and I have talked about distancing before here on blogland. We both have rules against distancing. We both struggle with it.

Stormy wrote:
"He says Distancing is Dangerous. He says its Disobedient. He says its Defiant. He says its Deceptive.
Eeeeeek! Stop, you're freaking me out now, Dude."

 Dang, yes, please, stop - you're freaking me out too - that's every single basic rule we have.....but Ogre's right - sigh.

"What does distancing look like to a man? It looks like distrust. I was staggered a bit when this thought hit me suddenly. WOW. So I am telling him that I don't trust him?"

I was staggered, too. That's what it is. Oh my goodness. My response to Stormy was:

Wow, Stormy, I never thought of it from Ward's POV,and I don't think we've ever really talked about it specifically beyond the fact that distancing is damaging and has no place in our relationship.

I got warned about distancing last week, and still I thought it was about wanting to know what I am thinking so that he can help - which it is - but I don't think I ever realized that it meant I was withholding my trust. But that's exactly what it is, isn't it?

We all know the saying that our actions speak louder than words. I tell him all the time that I love him and I trust him - and I do, more than I ever have another person. But if I distance, when push comes to shove, I prove that I don't.

That's a powerful insight. I think Ward and I need to talk that out....and I think I owe him an apology. Thank you, Stormy. 

Daddy had called from work, and we spoke in the few brief moments about the post and I asked if we could discuss it last night. He said of course. 




When Daddy got home he took my hand and whispered in my ear that it was time for a spanking. It was firmer than usual and none of the lovely little breaks to rub, and I thought it was stress relief for Daddy. Then he finally did pause and he whispered "I won't let you drift away, little one." And at his words I pulled back into focus, "Was I drifting, Daddy?" He rubbed, "The last day you were, a little." And tears came because I didn't know I was. I should have felt it and I didn't. He soothed and said he didn't expect me to be perfect, but he wouldn't fail me. And then he said it was time to finish up and he did, and then took me in his arms. Some lovely things followed that come with reconnection (not correction, thankfully, he pulled me back before I got too far away - just discipline) and it was lovely and sweet. 

Then the evening chores presented themselves, laundry to fold, homework and dinner to make, baths for the boys, bedtime, and finally, our time. We cuddled up and talked about the things in Stormy's post that had struck me - hard. I said that I hadn't even felt that I was distancing, how in the world do I stop something of which I'm unaware? Daddy gave me a forehead kiss (those are yummy!) and said that's what he's there for. But I don't like feeling like I do things I don't understand. He said not to think so much (that should be HIS mantra - I know I think things to death). And he asked me how it felt.






Wow...how does it feel? Well I feel small and scared....maybe despairing....insignificant.... and totally irrational. I didn't think to ask, but Daddy probably knows - the times I have distanced seem to coincide with absence - he went back to work - it's not 9-5. They can call at any time, any day he could come home and have a 4 or 5 day mission - blech. And let's not even talk about deployment. When we were talking on the phone, when he felt more distance, he had just sent me an email that he had to work late...on the first day back. It's not anything over which he has control. It's distressing nonetheless, and irrational because we're both at the mercy of the forces that be there.




All of that sounds whiny, and weak, and because of that I resist  it. I'm his little girl, but I'm his woman, too, I'm supposed to be his partner, his helpmate. How bloody annoying is it to have a whiny helpmate? So I stuff it down instead of sharing how very much I miss him, how very much I need him, how essential he is to my existence. And in rebelling against that weak and whiny voice - am I also rebelling against him? You know, guys, this is just getting worse and worse and worse. Sometimes I hate blogging... because I have to write it out and ruminate, and think, and figure it out, and see it and - oh please no - accept it so I can fix it...I don't know if I can fix it - it happens outside of my conscious mind - it's an undercurrent - probably because that is how I've coped most of my life.....okay, yes - my life before Ward - sigh.....


For Daddy's part, my sweet Daddy-love said I am a priority, this family is a priority, as well as his duties as it's head.  I am very lucky, and sometimes I don't feel that I serve him as well as I wish to. So I guess it's a good thing that we do TTWD, so that I don't have to feel that way for long. Daddy's lap is a magic place, and his love is my miracle. 

HIS POV: 
June is my life, my strength, my inspiration, our family is a priority, not an option and it is my honor and privilege as well as my   greatest accomplishment.  Sometimes life gets to her, to us and it is my work to ensure that our home as well as all in it are well cared for.  It is a pleasure to listen and to help, it is an honor to give guidance and clarity and it is a true labor of love to build a loving home for such a lovely, genuine person.  I am humbled to share a life with this lady, and even though our thoughts aren't always soft, quiet, easy ones I am glad I can be her strength and comfort.

When she begins to put distance between us, I feel disquieted and it alerts me to her needs, and the needs of our relationship. I don't allow distancing for a lot of reasons, the biggest of which is the health of our relationship. I think through vigilance and constant positive reinforcement we can both provide the stability and comfort that we both need and crave.