Thursday, September 27, 2012


I came damaged. I was broken. If you ask Ward he will tell you that I have changed, that I am less fearful than when we first knew each other. I know that I once projected a sense of false bravado that I have abandoned. I don't need it anymore.But once upon a time I needed it. It was how I protected myself. I was the odd bird with the very strange plumage and the stranger vocalizations, because if you were odd, people didn't get too close. And if they did, you could always distance. Yup. I had it all covered.

The woman who gave birth to me was schizophrenic. I talked before about the things that happened in the house where I grew. She was physically abusive.She was verbally and emotionally abusive. She let her men touch me and use me in ways a child should never know. I learned to dissociate, to be unaffected, to suppress my emotions to such an extent that you would have thought I was a mannequin. I learned to distance rather than feel very early in life.

When I was out in the world, just old enough to work (both to get out of the house - away from her, and because it was required - she wanted the money), I learned that if you were quiet - and non-conformist - usually people left you alone. I shaved my head.I dressed in steel-toed boots and jeans, or all black if required to wear skirts or dresses...WITH black boots. That usually kept people at a distance. And if it didn't, if they were curious about this odd person, my mask of bravado was enough to hold them at bay. And if it didn't, well I never really let anyone in close enough to hurt me.

Then I did, three times. None of them ended well. All of them ended with me working multiple jobs to support my partners who were jobless for two to six years. And while I was working seven days a week, in some cases 16-18 hours a day, they found other partners. And I was convinced that I was not enough, never would be. Even my own mother couldn't love me. I was unattractive, in mind and body, and apparently lacking in heart. This is what I was told and shown over and over and over from earliest memory. I honestly believed that I carried some defect, some darkness because of my birth. I felt that the darkness inhabited my soul, and could be seen and felt.

Then I saw a poem that touched my heart and soul and wrote to the author to express my gratitude for having been blessed in the reading of it, and I met my Ward. The Story of How We Met is found elsewhere on the blog and I won't bore you with that again either (even though I love the story). As we got to know each other better, I was sure that he would see the darkness, too, that he would find the thing that made him run, that the brokenness would send him screaming into the night. But it didn't.

He tries to get me to see me as he does. He tries to help silence the nagging little voice that says he will find me out. He is patient and kind and he gently and diligently calls my surrender of those things that can put a distance between us.. He makes rules to try to guide my thoughts away from the notion that I am not enough. He has made a rule that I may not make self-disparaging remarks. He says that I have been lied to all my life, and that I do not see myself clearly because of those lies.  Sometimes when we are having a conversation about how I am feeling, I will ask for immunity so that I can express what goes through my mind. I have come to realize, with Stormy's help, that when I distance (another rule) it looks to him like I do not trust him with my thoughts and feelings and fears. So I have made an effort to give him those things, I think I've been pretty successful.

One of the most frustrating...disheartening things that I have found in our foray into blogland, and the subsequent self-discovery that it brings, is that every time I believe that I have FINALLY surrendered the very last thing to Ward, that I am completely open and holding nothing back...I find another.

We were having an innocent conversation, and Daddy said something sweet. He said that he felt my love enhance his and us. And I replied with an earnest, 'I hope so.' I meant only that I hoped I was worthy. There was a pause and he asked if he could ask me a question, I said of course. And he asked why I say things like 'I hope so', that it was like I doubt what we are.

I was crushed...I had hurt him.I don't doubt him, and I don't doubt us. I  doubt my own worthiness of this beautiful love. He told me that I am beautiful and complicated and his...and I marveled that he still wanted me, even with all the cracks and imperfections And as he talked, he gently placed another piece of broken little me back in place. He made sure that it fit, and that the bond made with his patience and his love was strong. 

The next time, a day or two later, that Daddy said something to which my knee-jerk response was to be 'I hope so", I stopped with the words on the tip of my tongue, and took a breath, met his eyes and said, 'Thank you, Daddy."

I came broken, and he is slowly and patiently putting me back together. And he gives me wings.


June's early life was one of adversity and disquiet.  I would see her elevated beyond the hurt of the past and help her see the beauty that has always existed in both form and spirit.  I know that there are scars on or within us all. I guess the way I see  it,  nurturing each other is ALWAYS a priority. It is always a comfort to know that she is there for me too. I too have a very "lived in" life and it is a comfort to know that she is always here for me!


  1. I have been a lurker on your blog for a while but I have to say - you might be scarred, as we all are in some way, but you are a beautiful soul. Whenever you doubt your worthiness of Wards love, remember that you think he is a wise and wonderful man and as such, you need to believe him when he says you are beautiful and all that he needs. Please also remember that none of us are perfect but if we are lucky, we can find that perfect person for us. You and Ward were lucky!


    1. I am humbled by your most kind words, Cat, and I am typing this through tear-filled eyes. Ward's love is a marvel to me. I am learning, it's a slow process, and I may need reminders from time to time. But it gets easier every time I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of his breathing, and the feel of his warmth that permeates to my very soul.

      He is most definitely my puzzle piece, and I know that I am so very lucky and most blessed.

      Go mbeannai Dia duit

  2. What cat said. OMG June, what a beautiful post.

  3. Wow June, what a beautiful, honest post, thank you for sharing. This blew me away, you and Ward are indeed lucky and blessed.

    I really don't know what else to say except to echo what Cat said as well, she said it so beautifully.

    1. Thanks very much, Roz. I am extraordinarily blessed, and I do all that is in my power and my heart and my soul to be a blessing to Ward. And I am pleased and grateful that he feels that.

      She did say it so beautifully - made me cry - and echoed what Ward said - listen to your Daddy and not to that voice in your head. I'm trying, I'm a work in progress, and I know he won't let me fall.

  4. I'm so glad that Ward found you and that he is helping you put all those healthy pieces back in place. You are enough...there's no question that he believes it and God says it is so. It's clear that you are also as much of an encouragement to him as he is to you. Thanks for sharing this June.

    1. Thank you, Susie. Oh yes, so am I, grateful in every way - that he found me, that once he found me he took the time to see me - really see me, that by some miracle I am enough for him. It's an amazing thing to have someone feel lucky for loving you.

  5. June,

    While our lives were vastly different, we both have strong Daddy's who are unafraid to help us. Who see that we're worthy of their attentions. They help us heal in ways maybe even they can't appreciate and we're grateful and humbled by them...

    At least that's how mouse feels and it seems you probably do as well.

    Many hugs,

    1. Thank you, mouse. I am indeed awed by Daddy, and completely humbled by his love and devotion. He heals me in so many ways, with him there is nothing too scary, and in his arms nothing I cannot handle.

      I think we're both lucky girls :)


  6. We have a lot in common June. Not the details, but the gist of it. I'm so happy that you found Ward and he has been able to help you heal all those old scars, and continues to do so. I believe you bless Ward with your presence just as much as he blesses you. I wish you both great happiness and I thank you for sharing with us. I hope, just in writing this post, you felt lighter.

    1. Thank you, Cowgirl Up. I am too, and it fulfills and humbles me to be able to bless Ward even a fraction as much as he blesses me.

      I did feel lighter. It is a strange thing, the discovery is painful, but calling those things to the light of day, acknowledging them, makes them easier to face, and easier still to begin the process of surrendering. In this moment, the best I can do is stop it at the gate, one day it will be, as Daddy says, no more than the wind at our door.

  7. Hi. I'm a relatively new reader/subscriber and when I first read this I was blown away. It is one of the most honest and insightful things I've ever read. One of the hardest things to do is to look at one's self, objectively, and honestly express whats inside to another. You did it bravely and eloquently.
    Many of us, including myself, have some experiences in our past that can be considered shocking or traumatic, and most of us, including myself, shy away from it--try to pretend it didn't happen, or that it doesn't affect who we are now--which is one of the biggest lies one can tell themselves. But you 'embraced' it (for lack of a better word...maybe 'owned' it is a more appropriate word) and you shared it with the rest of us. All I can say is 1. I'm sorry that those things happened to you, 2. I'm glad you found Ward (whom you probably wouldn't have found if those things hadn't happened to you), and 3. Thank you for letting us in.

    1. BlkCactus, thank you for your very kind comments. I'm sorry it took a day or two to reply. I spent a lot of time denying it. Then yes, I guess I did embrace it - it was a very uncomfortable embrace, it's an ugly thing and it is hard to differentiate, between this happened to me and this IS me. I choose, as with many things in my life, not to let it define me. I can't be angry about it, because that won't change it, and I can't be angry at myself anymore about it because I didn't ask for it.

      With Ward I am able to open it to the light of day, and the light desiccates it and it blows away like sand. Thank you, BlkCactus, I'm sorry for the things that happened to you as well, and I hope you can find your peace with them. If it were not for Ward, I would not know what it is to be truly and fully alive. To borrow a line from Titanic - he saved me in every way that a person can be saved.

      Thank you for reading, and for joining our family. Warmest of welcomes!


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