Appreciating the Little Things

                                              

Have you ever thought about the little things that your partner does to make your life, your home, and your world a better place to live in?  Upon realization of the impact that your love has, did you take the time to truly appreciate their effort to make life better, easier, and brighter for you?  If you've ever been out "people watching" as June and I sometimes do, I'm sure you've seen it, you know the difficult teenager, the ungrateful wife, the petulant child that didn't get exactly what they wanted. It makes me sad. I mean are we, as a society so far removed from each other that we can't recognized an honest effort to make each other happy?

                                             

 I have found that with June, she truly gets it. If I mention a dish my mom made when I was a child, she starts looking for recipes.  If I mention something I think is sexy she does it without thinking about it. Noticing these things, I can do no less than offer her my sincere thanks and make a deep and honest effort to reciprocate as often as I can.  When she mentions that her feet hurt, I rub them for her. When the kids become overly exuberant... I distract them for her.  Me, I personally think bringing your partner the little things that make them thrive is sexy... Maybe it sounds a little chauvinistic, but I love how domestic June is, she keeps our home comfortable, warm,  and she nourishes the minds and bodies of all under our roof and for that she will always have my deepest and frequently spoken appreciation.

                                                     

Sometimes it's being there for each other at the end of a long day, frequently my job drains me and even if she can't tend to my physical needs right  away she's always there with a hug, a kiss, and a cold glass of water... She gives me the 15 minutes I need, when I get home, to decompress and get ready to give  my family my best.  When we first became acquainted with each other, the first time I pretty much knew she was "the one" when I saw how she relished taking care of me. She had tears streaming down my cheeks when she took my hand and told me that she could love someone like me... Such a moment is so small, but so deep like the rings rippling outward from the stone. A microcosm unto itself, this moment huge in meaning small on the outside sparked the beginnings of something beautiful

                                                           
                                                                                                  


It is easy to imagine and even apply these concepts to a DD/TTWD relationship. When you think about it, that's what it's really all about isn't it? Taking the time to say thank you is a lost art in this country and at least in this house we will know reciprocity, selflessness and love. We will attempt to do not only the obvious gestures but the small ones as well. June my love, I honestly don't say thank you enough for all that you do, for all that you contribute, for all that you are. I strive to continually improve as your HoH, your husband, your leader, I want you to know how much you bring me and the boys. Thank you for being patient, giving, flexible, sweet and good-natured even when things are chaotic... You bring our home peace.

                                                  

We would suggest that there is much to be gained by exploring  the impact that you have on each other. Say thank you, and look to the memories you have made and search those small moments for the magic that makes a good couple into a great couple. Each day is a new opportunity for thankfulness, Reciprocity, Growth and Discovery! What will you find?  What will you say to each other? We would encourage you all in appreciating the little things that make our relationships big!

                                                          

Her POV:

 I know that I am hopelessly old-fashioned. I know that I am not politically correct. I know that I am excruciatingly happy. I love this man. When I see the weight of the world on his shoulders, I am compelled to ease his burden in the ways that I can, a touch, small considerations, closeness when he needs it, or space when he requires it. I wish to make our home a place of peace, a safe harbor. I love to cook and nourish my family, and pray for the strength to nourish their hearts, spirits and souls as well as their bodies.

There is nothing better than to hear him speak of a remembered moment of pleasure and be able to reproduce that for him. There is nothing better than seeing his eyes close and hear that happy sound as he takes a bite of butterscotch pie that his grandmother made and no one could replicate, or the oatmeal chocolate chip hazelnut cookies like his mom used to make, or a key lime pie he proclaims as the best in the world. These are very small things that I can do for him to not only tell him,but show him his worth to me.

A long time ago, another lifetime really, when I was going through a very difficult time and talking with a friend who was a Christian counselor, she told me that I was a righteous woman.  I looked up the quote she had recited, and found Proverbs 31. I appreciated her assessment and thought she was crazy, I was not that good. I was just me, and surely if I was that, I would have been enough for someone.

The concept intrigued me, though, and I researched more, trying to understand. I surely didn't believe that I was this woman - this was an ideal, a goal that I could strive for. I found a beautiful sermon that outlined the characteristics of this extraordinary woman: she is strong, while remaining graceful, poised and dignified; she is trustworthy; as a habit of life, she does good for her husband and family; she is industrious; she is compassionate, she has a husband worthy of respect; strength and dignity are hers; she looks to the future with a smile.

"This is not about size, weight, or magazine cover beauty. This is about character and lifestyle that will be a blessing to any husband or family. And this woman, a wise man will seek her or help her to become just such a woman." I am not this woman, but I strive to become like her. And with God's grace I was given a wise man to help me on my journey. He along with this wonderful life we live help me to be my truest self, and we were both given this community to support us on our journey.

Dancing With the One You Love - book review

  

I've said elsewhere on the blog that I - well both of us are - spiritual, though not necessarily religious. We both have a belief and a deep connection with God, we pray, we pray together. We both believe that we have a responsibility to live with honor and grace. But we're not big church goers.

Which brings me to the idea of biblical submission. The way that biblical submission was presented to me by some people that I worked with, who were fundamentalist Christians, and by the predominant religion when I moved down here, Baptist, it was not something that was appealing. Of course, I had not fully embraced my submissive nature at that point either. Once I had, and once it developed to a fuller expression, with Daddy, the idea of biblical submission still bristled me a little bit. Then I started reading....educating yourself is never a bad thing. 

Guess what? The biblical model of submission is closer to what I feel, and closer to what we have than anything else I have seen. I researched some books, and this is the first of them based on biblical submission that I have finished reading (I have more in the works, as you can see from our GoodReads). 

Cindy Easley raises some great points, that spoke to my particular beliefs, and to conversations that Ward & I have had. She talks of a 'complementarian marriage in which the husband is the leader, the wife the helper, and that although they stand equal, they have specific roles and being faithful to their roles, they empower the other in their role. She further states that if you wanted to bristle at the term 'helper' believing it to be subservient or wish to use the designation to subordinate your partner, God also refers to himself as OUR helper (Ps 30:10, Ps 54:4, Gen 2:18). That puts things in a different light, doesn't it?

She defines submission as a spirit of voluntary cooperation, and I like that a lot. I choose to follow Ward with a cooperative spirit because I trust and respect his leadership. She also has an interesting perspective about why submission works, she writes that God has hardwired our husbands to NEED our respect, and us with the need to be loved. When we willingly submit to their leadership they stand taller, feel prouder, and take the role of leader more seriously. Ward has corroborated this in many places on the blog. He says that my submission makes him want to be a better man (Not, possible, love, you are the very best man I have ever known). 

She speaks of another of my favorite concepts, humility. When we choose to humble ourselves and place ourselves under our husband's authority willingly and cheerfully we receive grace (James 4:6). When we sulk or pout, we are compromising our submission. She notes that most of our popular cultural references portray husbands as buffoons married to beautiful women, giving us no positive images of submission and headship, which she asserts can make maintaining a submissive attitude difficult. I disagree with that last part to a certain extent. I tell our boys, you have to use your own moral compass. I see those bad examples, too, and it doesn't make me think it's okay to disrespect my Ward, it makes me more mindful of how I interact with him. 

She stresses the importance of communication, and that communicating honestly and respectfully is a way to be a blessing to our husbands. Sometimes the dance if submission is difficult because we don't know where our husbands are going. We need to ask them to communicate their vision. Ward and I enjoy wonderful communication, if I don't understand, I ask. If I don't ask and he feels the question, he initiates a discussion. Either way, we don't let misunderstanding stand between us, and the simple act and care of clearing it up strengthens us and our commitment to each other. 

She speaks of Proverbs 31:10, 23. This was a favorite passage for me for a long time, since a friend who was a pastoral counselor applied that passage to me when I was going through a very difficult time. It is not something that I considered with a vanity, but something to which I aspired. The actual passage is "A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds... Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers." This is something else you have seen around our blog, I seek to bring honor to Ward, and to represent him well in our community.

One passage was particularly pertinent to me. It spoke of a Navy wife. And that my attitude toward the Navy could help or hinder Daddy in doing what he is called to do. I support him in anything he does, and I respect and support his decision to serve. He knows this, and also that I long for the day he detaches. But for me to make that the focus of our every conversation about his career inhibits him, and makes him feel conflicted. I have a responsibility to surrender my feelings, and ask him to make the best decisions for our family. 

 I found this overall to be an affirming book, with a lot of pertinent points that would bolster and support any relationship regardless of dynamic.


HIS POV:   
 I think  Ms. Easly brings up several valid points throughout the course of her book. The concept of humility as it relates to our relationship brings to light my need as the head of the household to remain humble, receptive and supportive.  My June's gift of submission and her attitude towards it have always been a source of pride and honor for me.  She really does go out of her way to please me, but more importantly her honesty and her support have often been the difference when times got hard.  Some of the affirmations of this book bring a unique perspective on the dynamic between a hoh and his lady, I think Ms. Easly uses Bible verses effectively and in a non heavy-handed way. Communication, Clarity, Humility (not humiliation) and a basic desire to want to live for each other is our way of life!

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 27

Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

 I'm not sure I entirely understand 'submissive desires'. I guess that would apply more to a bedroom submissive kind of dynamic. As I said, I hate labels, but if I had to label us, the closest would be DD with somewhat of a biblical model of submission. I an not submissive to Ward in some matters, or situations. I am submissive to Ward all the time. I defer to his leadership. My only submissive desire as I understand it, is to give the gift of my surrender to Ward, and to serve him, and to have my submission received and treasured.

Fantasies? I have never trusted anyone enough to play with rope, and bondage. I would like very much to try that with Ward. This is not because I have ever fancied rope - it has always terrified me. I trust Ward implicitly enough to offer him that fear. And frankly, the idea of being totally at Ward's mercy, knowing that he would never in a million years harm me is incredibly exciting.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 14

Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

 Religion is not the basis for my submission. I was always put off by the concept of religious submission because the only example I had was contact with members a fundamental religious group. The men I knew were arrogant and domineering. My viewpoint was incredibly slanted because of this experience.

My submission is inherent, it is just my nature, I am service oriented, and defer. However with Daddy, I am completely surrendered. There is an incredibly high level of trust and respect. I want to give him everything. I need to give him everything. I pour myself out on him and he fills me back up.

I've been reading books on submission, because I am an avid researcher, I love to learn, especially when the subject is important to me. There's not many factual books on submission, mostly erotica, but I did find a few. And a couple of those are based on biblical submission. And that model seems to fit Daddy & I very well. It is pretty well how we work, throw in the DD component, and the Daddy/little girl dynamic. That pretty well surprised me, how similar we were to that model.

What kind of submission?

 I think too much, I always have, and I have an insidious, wrongly-programmed, little inner voice. I know that some things just are, and defy understanding, but it doesn't stop me from trying to understand them, cause, well I think too much (see how I made that a circle, being inside my head can be maddening sometimes).



Leaving all sensation out of it, from a strictly emotional perspective, sometimes I try to understand my need for submission and where exactly it comes from. I understand from research when I first started exploring this lifestyle that my incredibly screwed up childhood predisposed me to submission. As for the rest of it, I do believe that one can be hardwired to want/need/desire the sensation. It seems the desire for sensation can be on the nature side of the nature-v-nurture equation, and the need to submit on the nurture side. (And being that my children both have Sensory Processing Disorder, one being a sensory seeker, I can understand the sensation part pretty well - you can message me if you want to know more about SPD, and I do have more on that in our other blog A Day in the Life of Grass Eaters).

And I wonder how much is partner sensitive. I am naturally submissive, I acquiesce. But with Ward, oh my goodness, there is such a connection, he touches that place of submission in me and there is not a single thing I would not do for him. I trust him. There is such an incredible emotional connection, that fills me, and makes me feel whole.

When I started exploring that part of myself, I did as many do, and explored BDSM. It just didn't click all the boxes. But for some reason, I equated DD with Christianity, and I don't have a real good view of that. I was raised Catholic, and it is oppressive, not much concerned with the souls of the faithful, really - more with what comes in the collection plates. I know a few fundamentalist Christians, and I found the men to be controlling and domineering rather than Dominant.




Don't get me wrong, I am not anti-God. I love God. I believe that he brings all good things in my life, my children, my Ward. But I have a very difficult time with organized religions that are more administrative than heart of God. So I eschewed the idea of biblical submission.














Now a funny thing happens. I read all the time. I thrive on learning. I have found several very good books on submission and surrendering. And I just found A Submitted Wife, and she has a sidebar with several recommendations for books I had not previously known about. I always want to learn to be more and better for him, so I study, I read your blogs. I learn. (If anyone knows of any good books, I'd welcome recommendations).

So the conundrum is this, I find that my submission to Ward pretty well naturally follows the biblical submission model - how in the world did that happen? The more I read, the more I see the parallels. I'm not sure if that perplexes me, or amuses me. I wonder if anyone else has pondered that question.