Sometimes it's hard

...to be who we are, and not be with the person that we love. How in the world do you take up a burden that crushed your spirit before? How do you walk the world alone for periods of time? My God it's hard. It's not that the person has abandoned you, though in all honesty it does feel like it sometimes. As as you may have seen Stormy and I discuss on her blog, sometimes you get angry because you have decided to let this person lead, and then they are not there and the loneliness can be crushing.

Stormy asked me how I dealt with being award from my Ward. And I didn't really know how to answer that, because I don't always feel like I am as successful as I hoped to be. But there are things I do, to keep me sane. I carry a pad around with me, and I write, all the little details of our day. It helps us, the boys and I, to keep him present. We celebrated his birthday, went out to dinner, had a cake with his name on it, the boys blew out the candles. We took pictures to send. As much as it helps us to keep him present in our lives, I imagine it helps him to know that he is important enough to us that we do it, and he doesn't miss any little thing. I want him to know everything (yes, even if I am not shown in the very best light...yes, if I feel widgy or whiny, I tell him, he'll deal with it when he gets back - that's a relief for me, and perhaps for him, too... yes even when I break a rule - he's not here, but he's still my authority, and I owe him my honesty above all else.)



Know that his schedule underway is arduous. He doesn't work the same hours any two days. He has about 5 hours during which he can sleep, read, write, whatever he likes. So the letters from him are not as prodigious as they are from here. But I take those letters and I read them over and over, ever day. They carry his magic. They strengthen his presence in my mind. I always feel him. Sometimes my own emotions may threaten to drown him out. But those letters, they ground me, just like he does. I did a stupid thing, and I don't know why. I thought, maybe - and I acknowledge that I think too much sometimes - that if I read them too much they'd lose their magic. And I stopped reading them daily. And I started spinning like a crazy little battling top, bashing myself up against the walls of my own insecurities. When I gave in and read again, it was like slipping into a lovely, warm, comfortable embrace. The magic doesn't go away, it just gets stronger. So to Stormy, maybe ask Ogre to write a line or two when he can, or even an email (that's a luxury Ward doesn't have, unfortunately). And read them, they help.

But maybe the most important thing I do is remember why I love this man. And we have had this discussion. "What if I left the Navy, would you think less of me?" -  "How could I possibly think less of you, love? You are a good and honorable man. That won't change if you take off that uniform. You make that uniform mean something. It lends nothing to you. You lend it, and the Navy that it represents, your nobility, your strength, you honor, your character. But could you be happy? This was a choice you made, and I wouldn't have you change it for me." -  "I made the choice years ago, when I was a different man, when I was a single man and now I have a family to consider."

He is upright and strong. He is committed and honorable. I can't begrudge the thing that takes him away from me, because it is part of who he is, and part of what has formed him. It fulfills a purpose for him - to be of service to a country that he holds dear. It has refined his skills as a leader. It has afforded him an opportunity to practice his compassion and his fairness. And countless people have benefited from knowing him. The ripples of his goodness spread to the far corners of the earth.

Before me and the boys he may have had different reasons for doing what he did. Now what he does is a means to an end, of building a structure of a secure life for us. He doesn't do it because he wants to be away from us. He does it because he has a commitment. He does it because it will give us firm footing.

So, Stormy, I would say there are things you can do, like the letters, and things that keep him present - it does take work, it's worth it to feel him. And then examine those posts you make about what kind of man he is, why you love him, and how deep that love goes. And ask yourself, does he do this to be away? Or does he do it to provide things for you and your family? Does he do this to build a strong foundation for you? Ask yourself if maybe the distance is as hard for him as it is for you? Does he suffer insecurities that maybe he doesn't share? Read those things written about how very much you love him and ask if that good strong man wants - deserves - to come home to distance, or to a woman who adores him and relishes the time together, so that he can fall into his safe place to land.



I am trying hard to remember those things. I'm trying hard not to let that anger take root. When Ward walks off that boat, I want him to see my smile, I want him to see my love radiating out of that place like a homing beacon. I want him to know that I have felt him and his leadership and the structure of our lives, even in his physical absence. It's not an easy thing that we do. But if we do it well - well that's just one more reason to love us, one more reason to cherish us. I think, perhaps, that could just make us extraordinary.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 30

Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

For the first time in my life my need to submit is being met beyond my wildest dreams. It is the most fulfilling, uplifting, feminizing feeling to be able to give him my submission and have it received with awe and gratitude. Then I want to give more and he gives more and it is this absolutely gorgeous, growing cycle of symbiosis.

Nothing will come between Ward and myself. We are too committed. Could I be happy without being able to submit? No. I find incredible fulfillment being Daddy's girl. I have honestly never in my life been as happy, as fulfilled, laughed as much or with as much abandon as I do with Daddy.

What makes submission special to me is having my submission accepted, and seen as the gift that it is, by a man of honor, with a strong gift for leadership, gentleness, kindness, compassion, empathy, and vision.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 29

Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

Humiliation has no part in my submission. I spent the major part of my life being humiliated. Again, my disclaimer - I acknowledge that some people are served by humiliation. I do not condemn those who are. Humiliation in no way shape of form serves me, and thankfully not Ward either.

I came to Ward broken. Thank the creator that he saw something of value in my tattered heart. Ward lifts me up. He exhibits positive leadership. There is never a 'that will never do' tone, there is always a 'I know that you can do better' tone. He makes me want to be the absolute best person in the entire world. He makes me want to make him proud. I want him to see me with him, and out in the world representing his leadership and glow with pride. I want the people who know Ward to see me and think, 'Ward has a good woman' and have him be able to be lifted by that. I enjoy elevating him in the eyes of others. He is an exceptional man.

Spankings, yes are an integral part of my submission. I've said may times, we use them for many different things. They are a way for me to both express and feel my submission in a very immediate, tangible way. They can melt away the stress of the day. They can left me feel small and safe. They can calm and soothe in a way that nothing else does. I like the little jump of butterflies when you know that you are going to get a spanking. I want that feeling that comes with laying myself across his lap. And I love even better being pulled into his arms after.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 28

Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

My submission has not let me down. It is the core of who I am. People have let me down. People who take advantage of my submissive nature, and believe that I am bottomless and do not need to be replenished.  In those cases, I will back off of my generally pliant self, and can become quite bristly.

Have I ever been criticized for my submission. Yes. Not by anyone in the lifestyle, by a friend that thinks I am giving up more than I receive. She doesn't understand the incredible amount of reciprocity that exists here. She doesn't see the potential for peace in submission. She feels that I am being subjugated and that Ward is a brute. Daddy says some people are not meant to understand. So that takes some of the edge off.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 27

Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

 I'm not sure I entirely understand 'submissive desires'. I guess that would apply more to a bedroom submissive kind of dynamic. As I said, I hate labels, but if I had to label us, the closest would be DD with somewhat of a biblical model of submission. I an not submissive to Ward in some matters, or situations. I am submissive to Ward all the time. I defer to his leadership. My only submissive desire as I understand it, is to give the gift of my surrender to Ward, and to serve him, and to have my submission received and treasured.

Fantasies? I have never trusted anyone enough to play with rope, and bondage. I would like very much to try that with Ward. This is not because I have ever fancied rope - it has always terrified me. I trust Ward implicitly enough to offer him that fear. And frankly, the idea of being totally at Ward's mercy, knowing that he would never in a million years harm me is incredibly exciting.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 26

What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Quiet command, sincerity, honesty, trustworthiness, dependability, wisdom, kind, compassionate, empathetic, reasonable, courteous, honorable, appreciative, self-disciplined, courageous, generous of heart & spirit, constructive, tenderness, respectability, gracious, romantic, humility, confidence, consistent, sense of humor. In a word - Ward. He is all this and more.

They are all pretty much deal-breakers. If my partner does not possess self-control how can he lead me? If I cannot respect him, how can he lead me? If he cannot value himself, how can he value me? If he cannot value me, how can I follow him? If he does not inspire trust and confidence, how can I follow him?

For me personally, Ward has said that I have qualities of submission that he has not seen. But the way I see it, the way I feel it, I respond to the incredibly positive Dominant qualities he possesses. If he were a lesser man, my submission would not be as complete. If his manner was that of a  blustery, chest-thumping 'dominant', I would respond with barbs and bristles - well we would not even be Ward and June. I do not respond well to an abrasive manner.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 25

Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

No, items, objects and rituals kind of speak to steeping into and out of a role. Submission is not what I do, I am submissive to Daddy, 24/7. I need nothing more than his presence in my life to want to submit to him. Even now with him deployed, I am focused on conducting myself in a manner that would be pleasing to him and lifts him up. When people look at me they should be able to envision the good man to whom I belong.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 24

What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

Trust, respect, love, joy, happiness, kindness, pride, closeness, passion, pleasure, patience, relaxation, togetherness, appreciation, balance, calm, compassion, empathy, fairness, gratitude, harmony, secure, peace.

Like most of our relationship, they are amoebic and organic. Each engenders the other. They are interdependent. None of the emotions are strictly the domain of one or the other of us, they are mutual. I am as proud of him as he is of me. He trusts me as profoundly as I trust him.

In a nutshell they all come together to inspire devotion.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 23

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

I won't answer to whether there are things in the submission of others that I question, dislike or find repellent.  This is because I believe that we are all served by different things. What serves me does not necessarily serve others, and what serves them does not necessarily serve me. It is not my place to question anyone else's submission. It is my job to be the best me that I can be, to be true to myself and to my Daddy.

Are there things that would not work for me? Certainly, and most of them revolve around humiliation. And that is because of my childhood. But I acknowledge that that particular dynamic does work for some. From a strictly play point of view, we're pretty tame, little rope, lots of spanking, and I guess what some would call submission 'exercises' - which is such a cold term. He will ask me to do things for him, which might be outside of my comfort zone to stretch me. These are never difficult, objectionable things which would stretch not my limits but my sensibilities. Daddy has complete respect for my sensibilities and my do-not-go-there places. The things he asks me to do more fun, playful things. They reinforce my obedience, my submission, and actually not only strengthen my submission, but my own feelings of femininity.

The only thing I have ever really questioned about my submission is if there was a place for me to be who I was in this world.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 22

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

This is my personal experience - my personal disclaimer -  your mileage may vary. I personally cannot feel submissive without a Dominant partner. I am a submissive, but without an outlet I will become frustrated and sad, and probably pretty darn snarky (certainly not me - oh but yes!). I cannot submit for the sake of submitting. It has to be given to someone who understands it, who knows how to nurture it.

Daddy touches my submission. His natural dominance creates a desire in me to yield. My submission triggers his desire to lead. It's a lovely symbiosis.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 21

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

There are two, it will be interesting to have Ward's view as to which position gives him a deeper sense of my submission.

One is across his lap,be it for spanking, or just because he can ask me to and have me comply willingly and he can take advantage of the position for other pursuits.

The other is in his arms, with my palms pressed flat to his chest or under his arms and my forehead pressed against his lips, his hands on my waist or hips and his breath on my hair. Absolutely heaven.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 20

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

I have never submitted to anyone to the degree, or with the desire to submit as I do to Daddy. My submission has definitely deepened over time. There is not a thing I would deny him. There is not an instance in which I doubt his intent. There is not an instance in which my trust has been betrayed.

Every day he proves himself honest, truthful, trustworthy, courageous, valorous and honorable. Every day my desire to yield to him blossoms.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 19

How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

There is a local munch group, but it is more a BDSM group than a spanko or DD group.  That's the first place I went when I was looking for community. I tried a few online communities and they were nothing more than meat markets. I found FetLife, and found educational resources, places to learn, real communities of people with commonalities and no judgments. And some very good friends. It is more about social networking than anything else.

Then one day Daddy said he had a project for me. He asked me to explore a blog for us. (When he came home that night it was already up with the first post :)  And I kinda think he had this deployment in mind, he thought that perhaps this would be something to keep me connected to who I am and busy so I didn't miss him so much - no luck there, but the first two points work.). And I found this fine community of people, who all have slightly different expressions of our dynamics, but similar hearts.

It has become vitally important. And a very great learning resource.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 18

Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

Communication is the foundation - at the very heart of TTWD. How can you lead me if you do not know my thoughts, feelings, fears, desires and needs? How can I follow if I do not understand your vision for our relationship?

Daddy makes decisions that will forward our growth as a couple, not solely because they further only his agenda - he has no agenda. He can't do that if he does not know how I feel. Shortly before he deployed we had a conversation about an impending issue.I felt strongly about it. But I just told Daddy what I would like. It came up again later. He asked me what I felt. I said I had already given him my opinion, and I was afraid that if I kept bringing it up it would be like I was trying to manipulate him with my anxiety. He assured me that no, it was not, especially because I was so concerned about not doing it. And that yes, he knew what I thought, but he wanted to understand how I felt so that he could make the best decision.

Funnily enough, my opinion is more valued in this relationship than at any time in my life. My thoughts and feelings are taken into consideration, and how things will affect me is carefully considered. There are no decisions made that benefit solely one partner. Every decision is carefully considered to bring the maximum growth and deepening to our bond.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 17

What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

The short answer? Everything.

If I did not trust to a certain extent, I could never submit at all. If I did not trust him with my heart and soul. he would not know that most vulnerable part of me, not only physically, but mentally. That part of me observed him for a while, judged him worthy, stuck a toe out, jerked in back in and waited for the strike. And none came. He was kind, tender, sweet, and enchanted. He saw her, no matter how fast she retreated. and he smiled, big and warm and held out his hand.

If he was not trustworthy we could not have come as far as we have come. If he was not trustworthy I could not have laid myself bare before him. I could not have showed him all the broken, damaged pieces of me. I could not have revealed my desires, and my needs for fear of being not 'kinky' enough. He assured me that my needs and desires were quite compatible with his, that I wasn't weird because I didn't need all the harder things. He took all the broken pieces, held them in his hand, polished them, breathed life into them, and reassembled them. He ignored the gaps and the weak spots, and he loved me - loves me in all my perfect imperfection.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 16

Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

When I first started exploring, I started exploring in the BDSM community, I played with two Dominant sadists. I thought I would not find what I wanted anywhere else. I disliked the arbitrary elements that seemed exist.It satisfied my need for sensation to a certain extent, but there was definitely something missing. I was approached by Domme's, but there is nothing about a female dominant that calls to my submission. And in fact I find them to be a bit on the cruel side.

The thing that disturbed me was that I seemed to dissociate which is what I did all my life growing up. Just go somewhere away from what is going on. But I wanted to be connected. I wanted my submission accepted and treasured. And that was just not happening. And there were many things I refused because that trust was no there, and my submission was not treasured, but only a gratification of a need, the scratching of an itch. Even with my low self-esteem, I knew I was worth more, deserved more than that.

Then I met Daddy. We talked, we're really both just spankos. We both craved a deeper connection. It was a delicate, cautious dance on both of our parts. I know that I was enchanted, and I know from talking about it now, that he was enchanted as well. I never thought someone as wonderful as him could ever be interested in someone like me. One day he said something so exquisitely beautiful, and I said, "At the risk of ruining a beautiful friendship, I have to tell you that I think I could very easily love you." There was a pause, and he said, "And I could very easily love you." And my heart caught in my throat.

And so we moved on, and talked more, and fell harder and deeper, and there is nothing I would deny him. My submission is a gift that he thanks me for every single day. He says I make him feel like more of a man, and he wants to be the best man he can be for me. And I tell him how much I love and appreciate him and his leadership and that I did nothing, he came as a very good man. And the more we dance this dance the more I would give him, the very breath from my lungs, and the beating of my heart.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 15

Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

We went from just D/s to the level of trust that allowed him to become Daddy, my absolute authority. I know I've said it before, we're not age-play. And that is hard to explain. For us it is an outward expression of the absolute devotion, care, respect,and trust that exists between us. It lets us interact at times on a more innocent, playful, magical level, seeing wonder in glitter, and rainstorms, and leaves and snowball fights. There are no bottles, diapers, frilly dresses, or pacifiers. There is no sexually intimate activity when we are in that space. There are lots of hugs, cuddles, squeezes, kisses and - YUM - forehead  kisses - sigh.

Then more or less as an extension of that trust it evolved from simple submission to total surrender. I trust him with my life, my mind, my heart, my body and soul. There is not a single thing I would refuse, because he fills me and lifts me up. He sees me as good, and he makes it so that I can begin to see myself in the same way.

I don't know how it could change. I perceive it as complete. I can see it becoming richer. I can see our connection deepening.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 14

Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

 Religion is not the basis for my submission. I was always put off by the concept of religious submission because the only example I had was contact with members a fundamental religious group. The men I knew were arrogant and domineering. My viewpoint was incredibly slanted because of this experience.

My submission is inherent, it is just my nature, I am service oriented, and defer. However with Daddy, I am completely surrendered. There is an incredibly high level of trust and respect. I want to give him everything. I need to give him everything. I pour myself out on him and he fills me back up.

I've been reading books on submission, because I am an avid researcher, I love to learn, especially when the subject is important to me. There's not many factual books on submission, mostly erotica, but I did find a few. And a couple of those are based on biblical submission. And that model seems to fit Daddy & I very well. It is pretty well how we work, throw in the DD component, and the Daddy/little girl dynamic. That pretty well surprised me, how similar we were to that model.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 13

Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

I am available to him anytime he wants. And he is available to me anytime I want. I genuinely desire him. And he genuinely desires me.  It can be a distraction at times. As you try to get through a day, and thoughts of him dance through my mind and my body tells me- you need him now --- hey, I said now --- why aren't you listening? NOW! ----- leave the cart in the middle of the store...NOW! Hmmm, yup!

There are no limits, not for either of us. Even when one of us is tired. Intimacy is such a relationship affirming thing, that we each pull ourselves up for the other (barring actual illness, of course). Making those concessions, and reaffirming the connection is amazing.

With the crazy schedule Ward has,  in the months before a deployment they have increased duty. Every other day, or every 2 days he will have a 36 hour shift. That special shift leads right into a regular work day - ugh. I can be going insane by the time he gets home. He'll ask, I'll say, that's okay, you're tired (okay, so maybe I pout despite my best intentions - but I try REALLY hard not to), and he'll smile and say, no love, you need me, sleep can wait - how awesome is that? 

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 12

Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

I'm not sure I really understand what financial domination is. I looked it up and came across a bunch of stuff looks like get rich quick by playing dominant- send-me-money-now-worm kinda stuff. So if that's what it means, then no.

Do I work? Yes, and will until at least my school loans are paid off, because I think that's an unfair burden to bring to our relationship if I don't contribute. Daddy says he is perfectly happy to support us, but I don't want him working himself to death. I incurred it, it's my education, I should contribute to it's repayment.

Does Daddy handle the money? Absolutely. Firstly, because we both see it as the role of the HoH, we discuss everything, but he's in charge. Secondly, I hate money. I am perfectly happy to hand over that responsibility, and he is quite skilled financially. I don't really see it as a separate entity, I see it as part of our particular relationship dynamic, it's just what works for us. I don't necessarily see it as a component of any part of certain aspects of our dynamic (like D/s, D/lg or DD). I just see it as part of his leadership.