Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 16

Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

When I first started exploring, I started exploring in the BDSM community, I played with two Dominant sadists. I thought I would not find what I wanted anywhere else. I disliked the arbitrary elements that seemed exist.It satisfied my need for sensation to a certain extent, but there was definitely something missing. I was approached by Domme's, but there is nothing about a female dominant that calls to my submission. And in fact I find them to be a bit on the cruel side.

The thing that disturbed me was that I seemed to dissociate which is what I did all my life growing up. Just go somewhere away from what is going on. But I wanted to be connected. I wanted my submission accepted and treasured. And that was just not happening. And there were many things I refused because that trust was no there, and my submission was not treasured, but only a gratification of a need, the scratching of an itch. Even with my low self-esteem, I knew I was worth more, deserved more than that.

Then I met Daddy. We talked, we're really both just spankos. We both craved a deeper connection. It was a delicate, cautious dance on both of our parts. I know that I was enchanted, and I know from talking about it now, that he was enchanted as well. I never thought someone as wonderful as him could ever be interested in someone like me. One day he said something so exquisitely beautiful, and I said, "At the risk of ruining a beautiful friendship, I have to tell you that I think I could very easily love you." There was a pause, and he said, "And I could very easily love you." And my heart caught in my throat.

And so we moved on, and talked more, and fell harder and deeper, and there is nothing I would deny him. My submission is a gift that he thanks me for every single day. He says I make him feel like more of a man, and he wants to be the best man he can be for me. And I tell him how much I love and appreciate him and his leadership and that I did nothing, he came as a very good man. And the more we dance this dance the more I would give him, the very breath from my lungs, and the beating of my heart.