Thursday, May 3, 2012

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 16

Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

When I first started exploring, I started exploring in the BDSM community, I played with two Dominant sadists. I thought I would not find what I wanted anywhere else. I disliked the arbitrary elements that seemed exist.It satisfied my need for sensation to a certain extent, but there was definitely something missing. I was approached by Domme's, but there is nothing about a female dominant that calls to my submission. And in fact I find them to be a bit on the cruel side.

The thing that disturbed me was that I seemed to dissociate which is what I did all my life growing up. Just go somewhere away from what is going on. But I wanted to be connected. I wanted my submission accepted and treasured. And that was just not happening. And there were many things I refused because that trust was no there, and my submission was not treasured, but only a gratification of a need, the scratching of an itch. Even with my low self-esteem, I knew I was worth more, deserved more than that.

Then I met Daddy. We talked, we're really both just spankos. We both craved a deeper connection. It was a delicate, cautious dance on both of our parts. I know that I was enchanted, and I know from talking about it now, that he was enchanted as well. I never thought someone as wonderful as him could ever be interested in someone like me. One day he said something so exquisitely beautiful, and I said, "At the risk of ruining a beautiful friendship, I have to tell you that I think I could very easily love you." There was a pause, and he said, "And I could very easily love you." And my heart caught in my throat.

And so we moved on, and talked more, and fell harder and deeper, and there is nothing I would deny him. My submission is a gift that he thanks me for every single day. He says I make him feel like more of a man, and he wants to be the best man he can be for me. And I tell him how much I love and appreciate him and his leadership and that I did nothing, he came as a very good man. And the more we dance this dance the more I would give him, the very breath from my lungs, and the beating of my heart.


  1. Your posts are getting more beautiful by the day. Honestly.

    1. Thank you for your most kind words, Kitty. I'm humbled.


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