Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I learned something

I said before that I think that this blog - besides the fact that Daddy said there wasn't a lot of resources out there for Daddies and little girl spankos who do DD and stuff....(labels....blech), was Daddy's way for me to find community and stay connected to my submission while he was gone (He's a very wise man, my Daddy).

I have the kind of brain that that sometimes I think way too much. Sometimes though, it takes time for me to figure out what is going on in my head. Sometimes while ruminating, talking to friends, writing here I get a broken lollipop moment. I had one in Surrender. And I apologized to Daddy for distancing, thinking I was doing something constructive, not understanding initially just how destructive I was being....but that's why I have a Daddy.

I had a minor panic attack yesterday. Somehow I had put some kind of expectation of getting mail from Daddy yesterday. When it didn't come, I crumbled. Then I thought - okay - I should probably not even think I'm ever gonna get any mail during this deployment. I won't expect anything, they said you can't depend on the mail getting there, sometimes they hold it all till the crew is stateside again - ugh. So maybe he doesn't know I'm sending five or six pages a day! Sad, sad me. Then trying to shut down the anxiety, I actually felt the wall going up. Which is surprising, it usually takes a few days till I'm aware of it - which is why I asked for Daddy's help with distancing - he feels it before I realize it.

I was talking to my good friend that I met on the Discipline and Love Forum. She managed to talk me down & then later checked up on me. And that is when I had my broken lollipop moment. Here is a snippet of the conversation:

June's friend: He's a good man. You are really good at submitting. I'm glad when Daddy's around for you to submit to bc you absorb goodness and light.

June:  I try, I'm glad you see him cause that means something gets in there.Sometimes I don't feel very good at submitting. I feel like I let him down when I get all crazy.

June's friend:  I'm glad when you submit to Daddy. Not these ideas (the magic words, folks) you have of what you should be...please don't hit me.

June: So am I, lol. Hmmmm dang ya! That's what I'm doing, isn't it? Submitting to the stupid little voice in my head & not Daddy. Fluff it!

June's friend:  It's not stupid.

June: The little voice that says he's gonna stop loving me, I mean.

June's friend: It's just fear. Have compassion on the little voice.

Okay, okay...I admit to being totally neurotic - I can hear you all feeling bad for Daddy. I felt bad for him, too. He said before he left that that little voice needs to just shut up, and he wished he had the one who programmed the little voice in front of him and that they had to answer to him. I always have the legal pad here - I really DO write him five and six page letters every day. And I wrote "DADDY! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.I’m very sorry, Daddy. I stand convicted, corrected, and contrite. I’m learning – slowly but surely learning. And I have said I submit to no one else but you, so that little voice can just go get fluffed now – because you are the only one worthy of my submission."

Every now and then I get a moment of clarity. I'm grateful for them. I'm grateful for the friends who help me work things out. We've talked about the little voice before. Daddy says the little voice is a liar. Sometimes I think I have quieted the little voice. And just when I get to feeling confident, the little voice makes insidious comments. It's hard to make the little voice be quiet. I've heard it all my life before Daddy, all those 'I love you but"s. Daddy never says but. Daddy says I love you no matter what. And he does. Daddy says, it's okay, you're not naughty, dove, you just need me. And I do. Daddy sees me. Daddy knows me. Daddy loves me. Daddy forgives me. 

I am more vigilant about distance now because I understand that it is a disrespect to him. It is a disrespect to us. And now that I see that allowing that little voice to have so much power over me also disrespects Daddy, and disrespects us, I think I can be better equipped to dismiss it. You can do anything you want to me, you don't hurt or disrespect 'mine'. Daddy is mine. The little voice disrespects him. The little voice is toast. 

My Daddy is a very, very wise man. An ocean away and he still finds ways to teach me. I hoped to be able to not only keep in touch with my submission while Daddy was gone, but to deepen it. I think I may just succeed.


  1. The little voice is a liar. I love that, I need to write that down and put it somewhere I can see it when the little voice starts.

    1. I think I do, too,faerie. The little voice is the worst kind of liar. But sometimes when you're all alone, it sure sounds like truth. Hopefully my broken lollipop moment has shaken it's foothold, cause now I'll be watching for the little bugger.

  2. I am sorry you didn't get mail yesterday - that is so disappointing. I love that you are not going to submit to the little voice - obviously not worthy!


    1. Thanks, Kitty. It is so difficult not to have contact with him. But I have him in my heart, and if I listen, in the quiet I can hear him - though heckfire I would much rather have him in the flesh! No, that voice is not worth one iota of anything except a boot to the tushy!

  3. What an amazing friend you have! :) lol

    1. LOL, yes indeed - don't put worms on that hook when you're fishin' - I like cheese ;) lol

  4. I like how you put it--that the little voice is a liar and it disrespects your husband.

    1. Thanks, Susie. Very much a broken lollipop moment. Sometimes we don't realize why something can be damaging. But nowI understand why his voice takes that little edge and gets tight. He never loses his patience, God bless him, but he gets frustrated.


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