I have the kind of brain that ruminates....read that sometimes I think way too much. Sometimes though, it takes time for me to figure out what is going on in my head. Sometimes while ruminating, talking to friends, writing here I get a broken lollipop moment. I had one in Surrender. And I apologized to Daddy for distancing, thinking I was doing something constructive, not understanding initially just how destructive I was being....but that's why I have a Daddy.
I was talking to my good friend that I met on the Discipline and Love Forum. She managed to talk me down & then later checked up on me. And that is when I had my broken lollipop moment. Here is a snippet of the conversation:
June's friend: He's a good man. You are really good at submitting. I'm glad when Daddy's around for you to submit to bc you absorb goodness and light.
June: I try, I'm glad you see him cause that means something gets in there.Sometimes I don't feel very good at submitting. I feel like I let him down when I get all crazy.
June's friend: I'm glad when you submit to Daddy. Not these ideas (the magic words, folks) you have of what you should be...please don't hit me.
June: So am I, lol. Hmmmm dang ya! That's what I'm doing, isn't it? Submitting to the stupid little voice in my head & not Daddy. Fluff it!
June's friend: It's not stupid.
June: The little voice that says he's gonna stop loving me, I mean.
June's friend: It's just fear. Have compassion on the little voice.
Okay, okay...I admit to being totally neurotic - I can hear you all feeling bad for Daddy. I felt bad for him, too. He said before he left that that little voice needs to just shut up, and he wished he had the one who programmed the little voice in front of him and that they had to answer to him. I always have the legal pad here - I really DO write him five and six page letters every day. And I wrote "DADDY! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.I’m very sorry, Daddy. I stand convicted, corrected, and contrite. I’m learning – slowly but surely learning. And I have said I submit to no one else but you, so that little voice can just go get fluffed now – because you are the only one worthy of my submission."
Every now and then I get a moment of clarity. I'm grateful for them. I'm grateful for the friends who help me work things out. We've talked about the little voice before. Daddy says the little voice is a liar. Sometimes I think I have quieted the little voice. And just when I get to feeling confident, the little voice makes insidious comments. It's hard to make the little voice be quiet. I've heard it all my life before Daddy, all those 'I love you but"s. Daddy never says but. Daddy says I love you no matter what. And he does. Daddy says, it's okay, you're not naughty, dove, you just need me. And I do. Daddy sees me. Daddy knows me. Daddy loves me. Daddy forgives me.
I am more vigilant about distance now because I understand that it is a disrespect to him. It is a disrespect to us. And now that I see that allowing that little voice to have so much power over me also disrespects Daddy, and disrespects us, I think I can be better equipped to dismiss it. You can do anything you want to me, you don't hurt or disrespect 'mine'. Daddy is mine. The little voice disrespects him. The little voice is toast.
My Daddy is a very, very wise man. An ocean away and he still finds ways to teach me. I hoped to be able to not only keep in touch with my submission while Daddy was gone, but to deepen it. I think I may just succeed.