I am just who I am - just me. I do what I see, what I feel needs to be done. I have a highly defined moral imperative. Maybe because I have seen and experienced a lot of suffering. If I can do something to ease the way for someone, I must. That's how I'm made. I can't turn a blind eye. But I don't think that's especially noteworthy. It doesn't take an effort. I don't have to think about it. It's just there. It would be uncomfortable for me not to help. I don't see that as especially special. I don't see me as especially special.
I frankly see myself with lots and lots of flaws (I'm all brave now, you see, because Daddy is not here). Ward has said from the very beginning that I was quite uncommon. What I heard of course, was
Aren't you an odd little thing?
Ward takes great issue with that view. That's why one of my rules is 'no self-deprecation'. And he has decided that one of his missions is to allow me to see myself through his eyes. He said before he left (and in letters since) that he knows I have a hard time seeing it, but when he gets back he is going to show me every day how special and beautiful I am. I think that's a tall order.
I do feel a shift, ever so slight. I don't feel special, but I feel....okay. I feel his influence. I hear his voice, even when he's not here. It's not something that may ever change completely. And it won't change in a thunderbolt. It's more like I am sand, and Ward is the sea. He gently and patiently and diligently, works, strokes, shapes my perceptions.
(the diligently working man is Ward!)
I will never be the person who says 'I am fabulous!'. But I am maybe gaining some small measure of appreciation for perfectly imperfect just me