The Gift of Time

                                                     

 There are 24 hours in a day. Just 24, no more, no less. Often it feels like there isn't enough of it to go around.  But, I would ask, Is there any gift more precious? The gift of one's time, passion, and energy are among the most precious gifts that we can give.  I think that's one of the things missing from many "modern" couples.  Sure we all have work to consider and then there is our own individual interest and stress to relieve. But there is one thing that I try to remain vigilant about.... that's love.  It's pretty easy to say that one loves another, but then again it's quite another thing to show it. Do I still go out with the guys after work and catch part of the game and take in a brew? Sure, but I also realize the value in giving people rain-checks and giving my family the time and attention that they require to grow.

                                                   

 It can be pretty easy to fall into a rut at times, or dare I say it... take each other for granted, but giving each other the time and attention that couples need.  Sometimes our domestic responsibilities and our schedules get hectic. Having two active school age children is a challenge at the best of times, but when you account for winter weather, the morning pokieness of our oldest, work, vehicles, people being under the weather, breakfast, lunch, bills, work  hmmm I'm sure I left some things out, but it's easy to see how even the most dedicated and vigilant could be overwhelmed and out of sorts at the end of a long, busy day.

                                                 

   

Sometimes the only real solution is to make time. No, I'm not a wizard and I realize that not everything is as simple as all that, but sometimes making the time to do even something just small can have HUMONGOUS benefits.  That's where it falls on us guys.  As an HoH I feel that it is my duty to assess the situation in the home, monitor stress and fatigue levels and when necessary to make time for my children or my woman when it is clear that they  need me to do so. My suggestions?  Kick her out of the kitchen and finish dinner, Take the kids out for a while so she can have a few hours to herself. Take the laundry basket from her and tell her to put her feet up and relax. 

                                                                                         

Sometimes making time means saying no to friends, canceling plans and knowing that sometimes  the best thing to do is to do nothing... No, no, I'm not sure you understand, nothing.  Sometimes nothing is disastrous, sometimes a weekend  of relaxation, and snuggling on the couch can be more productive than traveling too and from, running around like chickens without heads, and generally adding stress to the two days of the week where stress just don't have  a place.

                                                                    

Sadly, I can't just add 5 more hours or tack on two more days to the week, but what I can do is be attentive to my lady and her needs, spend time with my children and use what time we do have to bolster and nourish our ever-tightening bonds and feed the spirits and minds of the ones I hold dear.  I would encourage you all to find a way, or make a way to give each other and your families the attention that they require, need, deserve, and thrive from.  Who knows what you will discover?  Who knows what priceless moments are just waiting to be had?   Let each discovery you make bolster your efforts to be the best you can for each other.... Time's a wastin'

                                                               

Her POV: 

 There IS no greater gift we can give to each other. We all understand that principle with regard to our children. Better to give them your time, to show them they are worthy and valuable, than to buy all the latest gadgets. Why then would we give less to our families and to our partners? As our time nourishes our children, increases intimacy, increases trust and communication, so it does when we devote time to each other and to our relationships. When we give the gift of time, we also give the gift of understanding, we give refreshment to the soul, we relieve and wash away stress and strip away the world and all the things that do not belong and give shelter, safe harbor to our loved ones and let them be their best and most authentic selves.

Correction and Emotion

                                                          
  Being the HoH is a job that I've found to be always rewarding and sometimes challenging.  In addition to being observant, kind, gracious, loving, generous and affectionate, a good man must also be intuitive, resolute, dominant, slow to anger, quick to forgive and prepared to sacrifice in order to build a strong, healthy relationship that elevates both a man and his lady to their healthiest places.

I can honestly count on one hand the number of times that it was necessary to give her correction.
Correction is something that I think a lot of people don't like to talk about or always see in a negative light, but sometimes I think if we look closely we can  learn a number of things that can prove useful in the future.

                            

  I think I can easily say that spanking in the corrective sense of the word is one of my least favorite jobs as the HoH.  It isn't fun and it is an emotional trigger for both of us. I love her too much to fail her or let something small fester and turn into something big.  I'm sure June would tell you that sometimes I can be a pain when I know something is on her mind, but as it is I think she knows just as I do, that when the air needs to be cleared, it becomes a priority.  I'm not sure how other people do things, but we believe in a saying that may sound a bit cliche  but it's true, "Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry."

It can be simpler said and done and even when the head is cool, the heart burns hot and the truth of emotion is and can often be brought to the surface during a thorough spanking. Distance, passive-aggression, stubbornness,  may all be seen during the emotive stages of correction, being that none of those things can be allowed to flourish, they are soon replaced by contrition, a will to change and the release of guilt, anger, hurt and negativity.
        

                                         

The experience of administering discipline or correction for the good of our relationship is often a heavy one. There is the desire to make things right, the desire to affect a change in attitude or spirit or behavior, the desire to give her what she needs, and of course the desire not to have to repeat such an experience.  It does affect me in an emotional way.  I have to give  myself a moment to think, to regroup and to reexamine my thoughts before proceeding sometimes... It's been said that one is only capable of viewing the world through the lens in which they see it, and when correction is concerned, I believe it is vital to be pure of mind and intention and to have the right desire and not to be caught in a negative mindset or be tense and full of anger... This accomplishes nothing at best, and undermines ones authority at worst and could lead to injury or the kind of hurt that isn't easily healed.  If I am to demand her best, how can I give her anything less?  How does a man give love if he doesn't have the grace to receive it?  Even when I am disappointed or hurt, there is an affection that exists to soothe and comfort both of our hearts even in the midst of the pain that comes from correction.

 

                                                                                                                       

                                                                                        

                                                                                                                 

     

  The Pay off comes in those moments of renewal, clean slate, and learning the best way to handle our thoughts and actions in the future. They say hindsight is often twenty twenty, but I think sometimes learning to get to that level of communication where  we become stronger as a couple and our bond becomes just that much more unbreakable.

                                                 

                                                                                                                 


Her POV:

I know that correction is not something that is pleasant for either of us. I know that it would be easier for him to overlook those things that call for it. And I know that neither one of us could live with that for feeling that we had failed the other, and our relationship.

The first correction came pretty quickly after we were us. I'm here to tell you, you can correct a spanko with a spanking. It has to do with the tone, the talk, the delivery. Daddy was effective in communicating his message. It is not something I wish to repeat. And he can correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think I ever have. Did it hurt? Heck yes! What hurt more? The look on his face when the words tumbled out of my mouth, and the sag in his shoulders when he realized what he had to do.

Do I want to be corrected? No. Do I want that intangible thing between him and I? No. Recently, before we thought Daddy was going to have to leave, I had a very bad day. And I was not who I should have been, especially in the face of thinking he might be gone for months. Daddy understood, and forgave it, and I got a pretty firm stress relief.....and it wasn't enough. When he asked what was wrong, and assured me that it was okay, and it hadn't been correction, I said maybe I needed it to be, because at the time I needed him most, I pushed him away the hardest. He said he understood why I had done it, but that perhaps it should have been correction. And so it was, and when it was over, we were better, and we were both stripped down and I could accept his forgiveness.

No, it's not fun. No it's not easy; not physically, not mentally, not emotionally. Without it, sometimes  it is too easy to hide from each other. I am grateful that my Ward is committed enough to me, to us, to guide us through those rough spots, because the place on the other side....well that's heaven.

The Spanking Game

Old-Fashioned Marriage made a post about distancing and made an interesting proposition. He proposed that the wife be spanked as a consequence for the husband distancing, under the understanding that he bears the responsibility for all that goes on in the relationship (true), and since he cannot be held accountable, punishing his wife for his transgression would act to correct his behavior.

Ward and I do something kind of like that, but the thought behind it is a little different. I do not assume punishment for him. But when I sense that he is stressed, perhaps a little distant, I will bring him the hairbrush (his weapon errrrrr implement of choice), say "Go ahead, Daddy, you'll feel better", and drape my panty-covered bottom over his lap. And he always does feel better. And I feel good that I can offer that to him.

One time, on a particularly evil, not good, very bad day, (after a duty day prior to the last deployment) I wanted to pull him back to his happier self, and remind him that life was not always going to be this hard. So I thought and thought and thought, and this is what I did.

I laid a cool drink on the table where he would sit, as well as some sliced fruit and cheese and crackers. When he came in, I kissed him and slid his coat off his arms, loosened and removed his tie, sat him in his chair. After removing his boots and socks I gave him a relaxing foot massage and listened to his sighs as I explained what he saw on the table and floor.



I had laid out some pillows on the floor in front of the table. On the table were 6 bowls with slips of paper. One was labeled Action. It contained slips of paper with the words, lick, suck, spank, etc.Another labeled Substance with words like honey, chocolate, whipped cream, etc. Another was labeled body part. Another labeled Implement, which needs no explanation, lol. One was labeled position. And the last labeled Duration. 



 
Also on the table were 2 trays:

The game went: you chose a slip from the action bowl. If you received an impact word, you chose additional slips from the implement, position and duration bowls. If you chose a lick/suck/kiss word, you chose a slip from the substance, body part and duration bowls. Obviously, if it was an impact word, my bottom was the bottom being impacted regardless of who drew the slip, lol. And if you chose a 'mouth' word or massage/caress word you performed the action on the other partner.

Needless to say, by the time we were done playing,  communication was flowing easily, there was no distancing and no holding back, and I had one very deliriously relaxed, totally de-stressed Daddy....and we put the dinner on 'warm'.


HIS POV:  June knows my heart so well.  She takes such expert care of me that it makes me want to compose poetry to her name and glory.  As the head of our home I have to recognize that I need to be accountable to our standard and being a stressed out mess does not help.  We are  very blessed to count ourselves good communicators and I am very very fortunate to have her as my lady. This game was a blast and it's a wonderful way to pass a fall day, even when everything is going great!

Psychological explanation for TTWD??

Here is something you didn't know about me. I go to school. When my then husband left my children and I for a girl half our age, I was shocked to say the least. I had planned on going back to school when my youngest was in school for midwifery or psychology. When he left, I wanted to remain available for my youngest as I was for my oldest, and thought that I could not do either and still be available for the boys. So I decided on computer information systems - what the fluff was that about?

It seemed the wise thing at the time. No clinicals, study from home, work and school both online, the boys don't suffer. At first it was not so bad. But gradually, I felt like I was beating my head against the wall. I disliked the business classes. I disliked the corporate environment. And after a while coding, instead of being fun - look what I can make the computer do,

became oh my God, it's eating my brain! It was like sitting in a room alone all day doing calculus - blech!

                                                    

It was absolutely soul-sucking.

I talked to Ward about it, and as supportive as ever, he told me to do what was going to make me happiest, even if it meant 'losing' time in obtaining my degree. And, happily as it turned out, I actually will be done one semester sooner, all of my CIS credits filled all my free electives. All I have to take are my core classes and in 14 months I'll have my BA in Child and Early Development. You can't do clinical work with a BA, but there is an agency in town which does crisis interventions in schools, and places at risk children with a counselor available through the school day. I will go to work with them as I pursue my Masters to do clinical work.

I have Ethics and Intro to Psych this session and I am carrying an A in both classes. I feel engaged, excited and invested. This week in psych we are studying emotion, stress and personality. And as I was doing some reading for class today I had this light bulb moment. Something I read equated so incredibly with TTWD that I had to share it. I know I'm not the only one that wonders why TTWD is a very real need for some of us.

Many of us have said we don't know why the spanking makes us feel better, it just does. I read the following passage and the note I made in my book was this: DD has health benefits! The passage reads:

     James Pennebaker and his colleagues  have conducted many correlational  and experimental         studies that demonstrate the advantages to our mental and physical health of opening up versus suppressing our feelings. This research team has found that simply talking about or writing about our emotions or our reactions to negative events [negative thoughts from our past and actions based upon our fears & doubts are what leads most of us otk] provides substantial health benefits. For instance Pennebaker and Beall randomly assigned students to write about either the most traumatic and stressful events of their lives or trivial topics. Although the students who wrote about the traumas had higher blood pressure and more negative moods immediately after they wrote their essays, they were also less likely to visit the student health center for illness during the following six months.

And a subsequent passage:
     Daily writing about one's emotional states has been found to increase immune system functioning.

WOW! So that means that those of us who are in DD relationships, where we communicate often and better, are open about our negative thoughts and feelings and also blog - are a pretty darn healthy bunch, emotionally and physically and have killer immune systems. Hmmmm, ya think we could advocate DD for it's health benefits ?