This is gonna be long, folks. I'm still processing.
I have always been the kind of person who thinks....too much. This is something I learned early in life, and I'm good at it. It comes from growing up with a father that wasn't there and a womb donor that was a drug-using, alcoholic schizophrenic. She was abusive in every way possible...every way. I lived on guard all the time. When a question was asked the walls engaged, the fortress on full alert, and my question to myself was "What answer will not get you killed today?"
I bring that up because I was talking about it in therapy today, talking
about why I react the way I do to things. I'm one of those people who
feels things sometimes that I may not fully understand. Talking and
writing helps me to process and come to an understanding. I've been
chewing on something since Ward made the no distance rule, and what lead
up to it. I honestly wasn't aware that I was creating distance, not
till I was two or three days into it. I don't like that distance. I
don't want it. I am forever grateful that he loves me enough to pull me
So I understand what I do and where it comes from, but I don't understand why it exists between Daddy and myself. I said in a previous post that I trust him... I do. I have passed submission to him, I have surrendered to him. I have literally put my body, mind, heart, soul and ego into his hands. I have complete and utter trust that he will never abuse them, or his authority. So what is this distance?
I know this about myself. I have always been like this. I have always wanted to lift others up. So here is the distance. When something bothers me - because I think too much - okay, okay - way too much..... I keep it inside, because Ward is SOOOOOO good. And I recognize on some level that it's ridiculous to feel that way. But I'm 6 sometimes, I'm his little girl. I process things like a child...even when the grown up part of my brain is being....well grown up.
So I think I am being all mature, and grown-up and responsible and handling things just great on my own. I don't have to trouble him with it. It's unfounded, and if I give voice to it, I'm afraid he will feel convicted by my unfounded feelings. And I don't want that, I want him to feel good, right? But he doesn't feel good, he feels distance.
And then in writing to my friend today I realized, I am doing Ward a great disservice. He is my partner, he is my leader, he is my Daddy. It is his job to guide me. It is his job to protect me. It is his job to dispel the false beliefs I carry with me. When I keep those things to myself I am not giving him the opportunity to guide me, I am not giving him the opportunity to teach me. I am not giving him the opportunity to blow away those useless, damaging things into the wind, like a dandelion puff.
I owe you an apology, Daddy. I thought my surrender was complete. I see that it was not. I held back some little part in an attempt not to be hurtful. I see now that it was more hurtful to hold it, even with the best of intentions. So I surrender that last little piece to you, that last thing that I have held back, my last defense.
I don't need it with you. I don't need it anymore. You are my defender now. You are my knight in shining armor, and you will slay all my dragons.