Monday, March 5, 2012
More on the Surrendered Wife
Reading further in The Submissive Wife, and I'm still finding lots that I do agree with. In view of our partners being the leaders of our homes, I agree that we need to let them lead. I agree that we need to trust and not get stuck on the points that we think they should do it like we would, because, well, they are them. I agree that trying to jump in when a problem arises is trying to take control, and in letting him steer the situation as he sees fit.
I have a problem with the advice that if he asks for opinion, or feedback your only response should be "Whatever you think". What? Then she says that if a problem arises let him be with it, let him be distant and grouchy, and think that it's his responsibility, and you're neither his mother or his therapist. Whoa! I would really be interested in your opinions here (yours, too, Daddy). I find this incredibly dismissive and disrespectful. It is,to me, saying that his is inconsequential, and his struggles are not your concern. Obviously his concerns are yours. I don't necessarily think that offering support or condolence is trying to garner control. I believe that you can be supportive without being controlling.
And the author herself supports this later, when speaking about her husband practising a presentation using her as his audience (pg 138), for a job in which he had no experience. She reports that she was amazed that he turned from confident to stuttering and nervous during the presentation. So when asked how he did, she did not provide a false, "You did a great job", instead said, "You've done this sort of thing so many times. Of course you'll be great." That to me is much more palatable than letting him stew, or a dismissive "whatever you think" as she states in other places in the book.
I guess my problem is that I feel in a few places she advises deceitful communication, or discourages communication. As far as Ward and I, I think it is possible to be open and honest, and not be controlling. And I fear that if people didn't try to tailor these approaches that the greater good of the message of this book could be completely lost.