Pride

 

I am only human. I have many faults. I have a hamster that spins fear into great big insurmountable entities, that can cower me, make me hide. When that happens my walls go up, and, oh Lord, they go up fast and as hard as I can make them.






I have been guilty of building some walls lately. Some I was not even really aware of, until he told me. Even when he told me I was too wrapped up in my own self to see how that made him feel. I was too wrapped up in my hurt to feel his. Instead of asking, I mistook his attempt to be strong, for him being cavalier. I thought that meant he was not so affected by the pending potential separation. And that gave my hamster lots of fuel to spin fast and furious.

Daddy called a summit. It wasn't fun, and it wasn't easy. It hurt. It was hard, and I wanted to run away, but he didn't let me. Did the walls come down right then? No. I took what Daddy said and stuffed it with all the other 'stuff' behind my walls. Not cozy those walls, no, they are crowded, and noisy, and there are so many things jammed down inside there that they pinch and poke and stick you. I apologized, and vowed to do better, and I received better than I deserved from him.


The next day, I went about my day, seeing him off to work, getting the kids ready for school, planning meals, cleaning, working, folding laundry. As I sat here, folding, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks, bricks from the quickly constructed wall, tumbling all around me. You see, he didn't bring the wall down right away, he planted seeds that grew behind the wall, and pushed it down from the inside.




I hugged the clothes to me and wet them anew with my tears. I had been selfish. I had been so consumed with fear of him not being where he was 'supposed' to be, that I robbed both of us of love, and comfort and intimacy. I forgot to express my pride in him, in us, and in so doing, I chipped away at his confidence and maybe even his pride in himself. I was so wrapped up in the fact that the Navy could keep us apart yet again, that I lost sight of us.






The seeds he planted ensured that none of those bricks would come down and crush me, but I sat in the rubble, convicted, and so regretful that I had not remembered to build him up, that I had not remembered to show my pride and respect for what he has accomplished in his career, and my pride and respect because of the kind of man that he is.








You see, there are about 313,914,040 people in this country. There are 340,001 active duty troops in the US Navy. and about 60,000 sailors manning the submarine fleet. My Daddy has accomplished what only 18% of Naval personnel has accomplished and what only 1.9% of the population of the United States has done. 

When I could see, and breathe normally, I sent him an email, because I can't call him when he is working. I told him that I was insanely proud of him, and what he has accomplished, and that I saw the him beyond his career, and I was insanely proud of the man that he is. I told him that I am proud of his intelligence, and his humor, his bravery, his confidence and his honor. I told him that I would shout that pride from the rooftops, that it was carved into my heart, soul and mind, and that I would carve it into my flesh, and be proud to wear his mark.

 

So we talked again, when he got home, this time with the walls down, and my heart ...and his...raw and bared to the other. And good things came from the pain. We vowed never to try to spare the other our feelings - that is dishonesty and it is distance. Even when it's hard we will speak the truths of our heart...even when it's hard to say...even when it's hard to hear. But we'll listen and get through it together. We renewed the vow to speak our love and our pride every day. I promised to ask my questions instead of letting the hamster feed on fear. And I promised to never let my fear get in the way of telling him just how very proud of him I am... every single day.

HIS POV:  

Sometimes, it's not easy, sometimes, to see each other, really see each other we have to go beyond our own field of vision. Distance is harmful all the time and in order for us to see that, we must allow our partner to voice their concern, keep us honest and help us up out of the rubble once the walls do come crashing down.

 

I will say this, June has always stood by me through thick and thin, and We have both gone through a lot. In regard to being a military spouse, I could not ask better of June that she has given me and I know how difficult it is, how painful it is and how it makes just basic communication harder. Even when she puts up walls, even when it  is obvious that she hurts, even when she draws away I love her harder, pull her closer, and keep our relationship at the front of my mind and heart.

Distance makes it harder to see our greatest blessings in both each other and the life that we share and for the good of our relationship, I took and will always take a stand against the quiet, against the intentional distance and against emotional hiding... and I will do that because I love my June just that much.