Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Pride

 





I am only human. I have many faults. I have a hamster that spins fear into great big insurmountable entities, that can cower me, make me hide. When that happens my walls go up, and, oh Lord, they go up fast and as hard as I can make them.






I have been guilty of building some walls lately. Some I was not even really aware of, until he told me. Even when he told me I was too wrapped up in my own self to see how that made him feel. I was too wrapped up in my hurt to feel his. Instead of asking, I mistook his attempt to be strong, for him being cavalier. I thought that meant he was not so affected by the pending potential separation. And that gave my hamster lots of fuel to spin fast and furious.






Daddy called a summit. It wasn't fun, and it wasn't easy. It hurt. It was hard, and I wanted to run away, but he didn't let me. Did the walls come down right then? No. I took what Daddy said and stuffed it with all the other 'stuff' behind my walls. Not cozy those walls, no, they are crowded, and noisy, and there are so many things jammed down inside there that they pinch and poke and stick you. I apologized, and vowed to do better, and I received better than I deserved from him.


The next day, I went about my day, seeing him off to work, getting the kids ready for school, planning meals, cleaning, working, folding laundry. As I sat here, folding, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks, bricks from the quickly constructed wall, tumbling all around me. You see, he didn't bring the wall down right away, he planted seeds that grew behind the wall, and pushed it down from the inside.




I hugged the clothes to me and wet them anew with my tears. I had been selfish. I had been so consumed with fear of him not being where he was 'supposed' to be, that I robbed both of us of love, and comfort and intimacy. I forgot to express my pride in him, in us, and in so doing, I chipped away at his confidence and maybe even his pride in himself. I was so wrapped up in the fact that the Navy could keep us apart yet again, that I lost sight of us.






The seeds he planted ensured that none of those bricks would come down and crush me, but I sat in the rubble, convicted, and so regretful that I had not remembered to build him up, that I had not remembered to show my pride and respect for what he has accomplished in his career, and my pride and respect because of the kind of man that he is.








You see, there are about 313,914,040 people in this country. There are 340,001 active duty troops in the US Navy. and about 60,000 sailors manning the submarine fleet. My Daddy has accomplished what only 18% of Naval personnel has accomplished and what only 1.9% of the population of the United States has done. 




When I could see, and breathe normally, I sent him an email, because I can't call him when he is working. I told him that I was insanely proud of him, and what he has accomplished, and that I saw the him beyond his career, and I was insanely proud of the man that he is. I told him that I am proud of his intelligence, and his humor, his bravery, his confidence and his honor. I told him that I would shout that pride from the rooftops, that it was carved into my heart, soul and mind, and that I would carve it into my flesh, and be proud to wear his mark.

 

So we talked again, when he got home, this time with the walls down, and my heart ...and his...raw and bared to the other. And good things came from the pain. We vowed never to try to spare the other our feelings - that is dishonesty and it is distance. Even when it's hard we will speak the truths of our heart...even when it's hard to say...even when it's hard to hear. But we'll listen and get through it together. We renewed the vow to speak our love and our pride every day. I promised to ask my questions instead of letting the hamster feed on fear. And I promised to never let my fear get in the way of telling him just how very proud of him I am... every single day.


HIS POV:  

Sometimes, it's not easy, sometimes, to see each other, really see each other we have to go beyond our own field of vision. Distance is harmful all the time and in order for us to see that, we must allow our partner to voice their concern, keep us honest and help us up out of the rubble once the walls do come crashing down.
 
I will say this, June has always stood by me through thick and thin, and We have both gone through a lot. In regard to being a military spouse, I could not ask better of June that she has given me and I know how difficult it is, how painful it is and how it makes just basic communication harder. Even when she puts up walls, even when it  is obvious that she hurts, even when she draws away I love her harder, pull her closer, and keep our relationship at the front of my mind and heart.

Distance makes it harder to see our greatest blessings in both each other and the life that we share and for the good of our relationship, I took and will always take a stand against the quiet, against the intentional distance and against emotional hiding... and I will do that because I love my June just that much.

22 comments:

  1. This is so beautiful June. I'm crying here. I'm glad Ward was able to get through that wall.

    Hugs,
    Dana

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    1. Thank you, Dana. So am I. He has never failed me.

      (((hugs)))

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  2. this was one of the best posts, June. Thank you. I needed this today.
    Everyone has walls, but it takes someone kind and giving to break through them. You have that someone. :)

    M.

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    1. Thank you so much, maryanne. Only what is in my heart. Kind and giving he is, he is everything I have dreamed of my whole life long. I am grateful that in all this world, I found this man who sees me and hears me and feels me. A chance in a million.

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  3. Tears again as I read this to Daddy...I tell you all the time how lucky you BOTH are! (Good thing you love me :p)

    (((Hugs)))

    P

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    1. I do love you! And I didn't mean to make you cry.

      (((hugs)))

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  4. So sorry you two went through a hard time but as we can see it resulted in growth and now your bond is stronger than you ever. Beautiful.

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    1. Thank you, dancingbarez. Even if it was painful, it did bring us ... okay me.... some pretty major growth. I let go of a bouquet full of shadows, and embraced the light of his being. We're stronger every day because his love is strong and pure and he is ... exactly who he is. I am proud to belong to him.

      (((hugs)))

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  5. This is such a beautiful and heartfelt, honest post June, thank you for sharing.

    I am so sorry you went through this. I think it's easy to understand how you built those walls, given the pending potential separation .. a coping mechanism.

    I'm so glad Ward was able to plant the seed to break down those walls. That takes a special kind of commitment and love that the two of you have in spades. Your love and pride in each other shine through every time.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thanks so much, Roz, for your very kind words. I hope that anyone who speaks to me can always see my love and respect for Ward. He is most deserving.

      I'm glad he was as well. He is most diligent even when I lose my way, and I am so grateful for his love and guidance, and the unconditional quality of his love. It is a blessing I never thought I'd have and still am not sure I deserve.

      We did get news early this week that he will be going. There is the possibility that the command at his new post will review the records and still decide to discharge him. But there is an equal possibility that they may believe that it's only 6 months and keep him. We're still praying, but with more peace and closeness. Our love is strong enough to weather this separation.

      (((hugs)))

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  6. Im so sorry he has to go. Your a strong women and I can tell by his words how proud of you he is. Lesson learned. Do you realize through your writings the lessons you teach? I have to stay off the internet for three days and no t.v. Our family in Boston our ok but all the media has me not sleeping, so hubby wants me to step away from the outside world for a few days and regroup. I will be looking for your words of wisdom soon. I will be praying for both of you. HUGS Annie

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    1. It's my fondest wish to make me half as proud of me as I am of him, Annie:) Yes, learned, and honestly a burden I have been carrying just released. I don't think I will carry that fear again. That's a good thing.

      I'm so sorry, you must have been frightened. It's frightening. I knew you visited there, but didn't realize you had family there. I am so very glad they were unscathed. I hope you find some peace with your man in the time away. Sometimes it's good to take a step back to regroup.

      (((hugs)))

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  7. Sometimes its the hardest things that make us realize how wonderful our spouses or relationship is because it brings us to a much deeper level then before. Hugs

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    1. This is very true, Tiffany. I hate not seeing it, or worse yet, feeling like I am on a runaway train of emotion. But he pulled the brake and we are so much stronger, andI am so very grateful.

      (((hugs)))

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  8. June I love how you tell of the pain and then the trimuph of your relationship. I learn each time I read your post. What a great HoH you have, cherish the moments you have right now and know once he is away it is only in body not in heart and soul. It will not be easy while he is gone but you are strong and will cheer him on. Love to you both and Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thanks so much, Cathie, and I am humbled that you can take something away from our experiences. He is a wonderful HoH, he is my heart. I will always support him, be his biggest fan, and his soft place to land.

      (((hugs)))

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  9. Awww JunieBug...such a beautiful, honest and loving post.

    I am so sorry you both went through all that pain and am very happy that Ward was able to plant the seeds that broke down those walls.

    Dang...it sucks that Ward is going to be gone but you two have such a loving, awesome bond, I know you will come through this trial even stronger. And June...remember, we are all here for you!

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thanks, Cat :) Sometimes life is pain, it's how you get through it, and if you reach for that hand or fold into yourself. He is calm and patient and persistent, and he silences those fears one by one with gentleness and surety. I am truly blessed.

      (((hugs)))

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  10. Aww June, sorry that you had such a tough time! I am really glad that Ward knew just what to do to help you lose those walls. You two write so beautifully about your very special love. I always leave here with something good to think about. Thank you for that! :)

    I'm sorry to hear that Ward will likely have to be away. I am sure that it won't be easy. As Cat says, everyone will be here for you until you are back in Ward's loving arms once more.

    Hugs to you both!

    <3 Katie

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    1. Thanks so much, Katie. He is most wise, and I don't know what I did right in life to deserve him, but I pray to continue to be worthy of the blessing.

      Y'all might get tired of me, lol.

      (((hugs)))

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  11. June: I kept coming back to read this post. My heart goes out to both you and Ward for all that you are handling/experiencing right now. You two are doing it all with such grace and eloquence and strength.

    But: There are no time-limits to emotions. I think grief, though an extreme example makes the point. We may think we are done grieving, but suddenly, one day maybe long after we have accepted and lived with the loss, it sneaks up on us and we feel it as acutely as we did when the loss was new. It is the same with anger, loneliness, fear...and I think you're reactions were perfectly acceptable given the situation. Sometimes its important to let ourselves just feel and not be so hard on ourselves when working through that emotional soup that it causes us to be a little more selfish or step out of that submissive role. I think it was incredibly brave of you to identify those walls and reach out to your Ward and its so awesome to read that Ward was there for you.

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  12. Thanks for your most kind words, Blueame. It does and that's overwhelming sometimes - you think you're ok and suddenly feel like you're gut-punched.

    I am harder on myself than anyone else can ever be. He is always there for me and it amazes me, and I am so grateful.

    (((hugs)))

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