No...really, what does fair mean to you? I ask, because it's a conversation that Daddy and I have all the time. Sometimes, we'll be wrestling, or tickle-fighting and Daddy, who is a gorgeous behemoth (a mythological beast mentioned in Metaphorically, the name has come to be used for any extremely large or powerful entity.) of a man, will win (do ya think?) and I'll jokingly say to him..."Well, that's not fair!" and he'll say, "I never said it would be fair, I said it would be worth it."
When I first joined blogland, and before we started this blog, I came across Stormy's post - What About Unfair Spankings?, and shortly after, Christina's post When the HoH Makes An Unfair Decision - Final Lessons. I'm sure most of you understand the phenomenon, we see things in blogland that give us talking points in our own relationships, and that helps us to grow and develop our own dynamics. So Daddy and I had, and sometimes continue to have a discussion based on the topic of fairness. The latest round of this discussion was spurred by Pocahontas' post It's Just Not Fair!
My view on the issue surprised Daddy, and continues to surprise him. I actually find him debating with his feet in the "it can be unfair" camp. Again, I will preface this by saying that I'm a bit of an odd bird, and I hope that I do not alienate my friends by saying this, I don't see how, in the kind of relationships we are in, that there can be an 'unfair'. (ducks)
As defined, Fair means:
Each and every one of us has a different dynamic, that's necessary, one size DOES NOT fit all here. We define our rules, many of us have them posted on our blogs, and we define the consequences for not keeping faith with those rules. So, if we break those rules, and he keeps faith within the definition of our relationship, how can we call them unfair?
Once, not too long ago, on our terrible, very bad
weekend, I received a correction. The next day, I got another one...YIKES, June! *Hangs head in shame* - As should be, we discussed the situation that led us there and how to avoid it in the future. In that discussion, Daddy got the idea that the first spanking was unfair, and he apologized. I didn't see why he apologized, because, as my Daddy... my HoH, he has the right to spank me when he chooses, whether for correction, or simply to remind me of my place in our relationship and reinforce submission. I told him that it was okay, I needed it anyway, as I was stressed. When I told him all of this he said, well yes, perhaps I did NEED to be spanked, but I did not DESERVE to be spanked for the reason he spanked. That brings up another point, as much as they need and deserve our grace in submission, sometimes they need our grace in forgiveness as much as we need theirs.
When we give our men authority over us, we give them authority to spank (well most of us anyway) for correction/punishment and discipline/role-affirmation/stress-relief at the very least (some of us, more reasons). When we do that, we acknowledge their leadership and their right to take us in hand, for the betterment and benefit of our well-being and of our relationships. We acknowledge that authority by virtue of our trust that they have the best interests of us and our relationships at heart.If we question their fairness, or question their right to lead us, is that not calling our trust into question? If we look at the definition above, They are not trying to achieve unfair advantage, they are simply holding both of us to the rules and standards we have established together.
Pocahontas raised many good points in her post. Yes, we are expected to bend, to submit, to accept their decisions with grace. They are expected to shoulder the lion's share of responsibility for our families, all of our well-being, and our interpersonal relationships. Each one of us could say of our own share of the equation that it is unfair. But if we consider the big picture, it is balanced....
As the head of our home, it is my belief that I must act with the deepest prudence and always in the best interest of our relationship. That being said, I know that I don't always get things right, but I also know that giving her what she needs has to take priority over my own desires and ideas sometimes harmony, consistency and a desire to be a source of good govern our house. As it's keeper I must maintain this attitude. Fairness is a nice concept, but I think it's more important to have clear communications about the expectations of the dynamic.
June is absolutely correct in her explanation of agreed rules and the roles in our dynamic, I am the head of our home and she is my voice, therefore, it falls on my shoulders to ensure that I am not histrionic, too emotionally invested, or blinded by impure motives. It's not always easy and like the rest of us I, too, make mistakes. Mistakes can teach us a lot of things if we but have the wisdom to learn from them.
I will also say that I think there is still a world of difference between what is right and what is fair. I strive to do what is right by my family. I strive to do what is right by our children and our home... This is not always easy or comfortable and sometimes I do have to make unpopular decisions or make unpopular rules, but I do so with the best interest of my loved ones in mind... Oh.. and one other thing, June will tell you, I never ever once promised that I would be fair (a bit HoHy aren't I?)