Monday, December 10, 2012

Define "Fair"


No...really,  what does fair mean to you? I ask, because it's  a conversation that Daddy and I have all the time. Sometimes, we'll be wrestling, or tickle-fighting and Daddy, who is a gorgeous behemoth (a mythological beast mentioned in Job 40:15-24. Metaphorically, the name has come to be used for any extremely large or powerful entity.) of a man, will win (do ya think?) and I'll jokingly say to him..."Well, that's not fair!" and he'll say, "I never said it would be fair, I said it would be worth it."

When I first joined blogland, and before we started this blog, I came across Stormy's post - What About Unfair Spankings?, and shortly after, Christina's post When the HoH Makes An Unfair Decision - Final Lessons. I'm sure most of you understand the phenomenon, we see things in blogland that give us talking points in our own relationships, and that helps us to grow and develop our own dynamics. So Daddy and I had, and sometimes continue to have a discussion based on the topic of fairness. The latest round of this discussion was spurred by Pocahontas' post It's Just Not Fair!




My view on the issue surprised Daddy, and continues to surprise him. I actually find him debating with his feet in the "it can be unfair" camp. Again, I will preface this by saying that I'm a bit of an odd bird, and I hope that I do not alienate my friends by saying this, I don't see how, in the kind of relationships we are in, that there can be an 'unfair'. (ducks)


As defined, Fair means:
Adjective
In accordance with the rules or standards; legitimate.
Adverb
Without cheating or trying to achieve unjust advantage: "he played fair".
When we decide to live our lives under domestic discipline, we sit down with our partners and define what that means within the sphere of our relationship. We define our relationships, and then spend the rest of our lives together refining them.

Each and every one of us has a different dynamic, that's necessary, one size DOES NOT fit all here. We define our rules, many of us have them posted on our blogs, and we define the consequences for not keeping faith with those rules. So, if we break those rules, and he keeps faith within the definition of our relationship, how can we call them unfair?


 





Once, not too long ago, on our terrible, very bad 
weekend, I received a correction. The next day, I got another one...YIKES, June! *Hangs head in shame* - As should be, we discussed the situation that led us there and how to avoid it in the future. In that discussion, Daddy got the idea that the first spanking was unfair, and he apologized. I didn't see why he apologized,  because, as my Daddy... my HoH, he has the right to spank me when he chooses, whether for correction, or simply to remind me of my place in our relationship and reinforce submission. I told him that it was okay, I needed it anyway, as I was stressed. When I told him all of this he said, well yes, perhaps I did NEED to be spanked, but I did not DESERVE to be spanked for the reason he spanked. That brings up another point, as much as they need and deserve our grace in submission, sometimes they need our grace in forgiveness as much as we need theirs.



When we give our men authority over us, we give them authority to spank (well most of us anyway) for correction/punishment and discipline/role-affirmation/stress-relief at the very least (some of us, more reasons). When we do that, we acknowledge their leadership and their right to take us in hand, for the betterment and benefit of our well-being and of our relationships. We acknowledge that authority by virtue of our trust that they have the best interests of us and our relationships at heart.If we question their fairness, or question their right to lead us, is that not calling our trust into question? If we look at the definition above, They are not trying to achieve unfair advantage, they are simply holding both of us to the rules and standards we have established together.


Pocahontas raised many good points in her post. Yes, we are expected to bend, to submit, to accept their decisions with grace. They are expected to shoulder the lion's share of responsibility for our families, all of our well-being, and our interpersonal relationships. Each one of us could say of our own share of the equation that it is unfair. But if we consider the big picture, it is balanced....
Adjective
  1. Keeping or showing a balance; arranged in good proportions.
  2. Taking everything into account; fairly judged or presented.
                                                    


HIS POV:  
As the head of our home, it is my belief that I must act with the deepest prudence and always in the best interest of our relationship. That being said, I know that I don't always get things right, but I also know that giving her what she needs has to take priority over my own desires and ideas sometimes harmony, consistency and a desire to be a source of good govern our house. As it's keeper I must maintain this attitude.  Fairness is a nice concept, but I think it's more important to have clear communications about the expectations of the dynamic.

June is absolutely correct in her explanation of agreed rules and the roles in our dynamic, I am the head of our home and she is my voice, therefore, it falls on my shoulders to ensure that I am not histrionic, too emotionally invested, or blinded by impure motives. It's not always easy and like the rest of us I, too, make mistakes.  Mistakes can teach us a lot of things if we but have the wisdom to learn from them. 

I will also say that I think there is still a world of difference between what is right and what is fair. I strive to do what is right by my family. I strive to do what is right by our children and our home... This is not always easy or comfortable and sometimes I do have to make unpopular decisions or make unpopular rules, but I do so with the best interest of my loved ones in mind... Oh.. and one other thing,  June will tell you, I never ever once promised that I would be fair  (a bit HoHy aren't I?)

26 comments:

  1. Hi another great post. I must be crazy but I have never considered fairness in discipline department. Now the break down of house chores when we both work full time. That's unfair, but rules are rules, it was just easier when I was a stay at home mommy. Happy Holidays

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    1. Hi, Annie, thanks very much :) As I said above, there is a constant evolution, it doesn't have to be static. If your rules were defined when you were a SAHM, and you are now working full-time, it wouldn't be out of line to ask to reevaluate. It's possible that he's not even aware that the burden has shifted.

      Happy Holidays to you & your family, too!

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    2. Its not an option he leaves at 4 am gets home at 7 pm. I think its just holiday time dont you find it just seems to make everything seem unreachable. Or maybe its just time for some attitude help. Thanks June. And Ward thanks for the words harmonious home some days we have that, but with 4 lovely teens there seems to be more hormones than harmonious days. LOL Im sure you understand. Thanks again for sharing take care

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    3. Oh gosh, Annie, I sure do understand. The holidays & residual stresses have me needing more help than normal. How about if the kids kicked in? Ours do, quite a bit...they're 10 & 7. That could help lightning the load onyou a bit,...just don't let them say that word ;)

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  2. Smiles, Thanks for commenting Annie, I wouldn't say you're crazy, but discipline in fairness have to go hand in hand, and with the stress from the holidays, everything is just a tad bit more difficult. Somtimes things aren't always easy or fair, but the happiness and comfort of a harmonious home is worth it!

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  3. First I'll say that life isn't fair. That is what I keep telling my kids anyway. Fairness when it comes to punishment means being heard and understanding why I am being spank. Sometimes all I need is a little time to cool of, to realize I was wrong. Sometimes that cooling off period shows Dragon that he was the one who was wrong. I don't always agree with his decisions but they are his to make.

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    1. We tell our kids the same thing, DR, lol.

      Even when it's hard to swallow his decisions, the discussions that surround it always help us grow closer, and that's a good thing :)

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  4. Thank you Ward and June for another thought provoking post.

    I think many people today define "fair" as 'tit for tat'. Basically, if you get something, so do I but if I don't get it, neither do you. Your definitions are so much more on target.

    If I agree to specific rules/consequences and I break those rules, then I receive the consequences. For some reason (probably due to the 50/50 marriage fallacy), many people can understand it better when they are given a 'work-related' example so here's mine. :) When I was hired by my company, I agreed to certain rules of behavior and if I break them, there are consequences delivered by my manager. If he breaks the rules, I do not deliver consequences to him.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thanks so much, Cat :) Yes! Exactly, it doesn't have to meet the definition of equal,it only has to be balanced, that is meeting the needs of each party, and the entity (couple and/or family), and upholding the standards we set for ourselves.

      And yes, the work definition is a perfect example. As we tell our boys, there are rules everywhere, and there are consequences to every action.

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  5. Ian and I have has these conversations many times, and his line is: "this isn't fair, stop worrying about making it fair, and be my submissive wife - I'll be your loving husband who spanks you".
    It works for us - but nope, it's not fair,
    hugs
    lillie

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    1. Hi LillieBelle - (sorry! I just found your comment on the 'Other Blogs' page & responded :) )
      It's funny, fair is something Ward worries about more than I do. I understand fair as it's defined above, "in accordance with the rules or standards", so I don't think I ever expected it to be equal. There is by necessity in a D/s relationship an exchange of power. So Ward is a beneficent dictator - ROFL aaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnd ducks!

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  6. I was thinking about this in a context of differentiating. Fair is not always equal is it? Since it is about needs for the individual. Maybe justified or not, is a better consideration.

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    1. Yes, Minelle, exactly! Fair is not always equal, and I think it's more or less impossible for it to be in most circumstances. Yes, in regard to discipline/correction, perhaps an easier concept is - is it justified.

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  7. I think in the relationship i have with my Master there is a lot of unfairness but its because of the 'nature' of our relationship, but because its how we like it (ok so i may have the odd grumble lol) but overall i like that he has the overall control so its not 'unfair' in a way that is damaging.

    Im not sure if that makes any sense at all!

    x

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    1. Yes, tori, what you're saying makes lots of sense. I like it, too. It's yummy. I don't get butthurt (well, at least not figuratively, lol) if we're just sitting there and he says "time for a spanking". It's his right to reinforce our roles within the dynamic when he sees fit.

      But do you think it's unfair, or do you mean how it is perceived by others? This is one of those concepts I am struggling to understand. Daddy is of the same mind as you, I think. But I just don't see the unfairness. We agreed, and we keep faith. I think I'm a weirdo, lol!

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    2. I dont think its unfair in general because its just the way it is, im sure others may 'look' at my relationship and think some of it is unfair but its just one of those issues where its very personal, i like for example 'looking after him' by making sure he has a good cooked meal after a long day at work and the house is tidy...i like to do this because i want to make things comfortable for him, some might consider him being unfair as i work as well (although not as many hours as he does) but this is what i like, so its not unfair to me.

      Oh this whole post has given me lots to think about lol and im rambling

      x

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    3. We have a lot in common :) That's how I feel, I was thinking I was the only one. If we agree and he upholds the agreement he can't be unfair...it's like you said...just the way of it.

      I love taking care of Ward, too. I love making his meals and keeping our home. I love providing comfort, shelter, haven and peace for my family. But Ward provides just as many comforts for me...back rubs, foot rubs, pulling the basket over & helping me fold clothes, or taking the dishes out of my hand, kissing me and sending me off to sit. He also takes the boys every day so that I have some mom time, and gives me girls days out often. Reciprocity :D

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  8. I spill out the "it's not fair" response more often than I am proud of. The response I get is usually along the lines of, "Nope, nothing fair about it. You can let it go or pop yourself back over my knee."

    Bah. :)

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    1. LOL, Susie. I've never said that outside of playing around, tickling or joking, or such. Lots of times Daddy says, "I know that doesn't seem fair"...and I blink.... O_O....."well, I don't think you were unfair". Shrugs....shakes head....wanders off to cave.....mumbling.....I'm weird.....sigh...

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  9. June and Ward, I really enjoyed this post and both of your points of view. I found myself nodding in agreement. Thanks for sharing this perspective because I think it's an important one. :)

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    1. Thanks for your kind words, Grace.

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  10. I'm a bit late, but life has been crazy...I am flattered that my little blog would provoke such a great post! I love your definitions of fair..."in accordance with the rules and standards". We both agreed to them. "Without cheating or trying to achieve unjust advantage" - acknowledging when I've fallen short and not trying to justify or hide it from My Love. Very thought provoking! I will definitely have to share these with John. Thank you for this post and your perspective...I may be posting those definitions on my fridge :)

    P

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    1. Thank you for your awesome post and the food for thought, Pocahontas! That's what I love about this community, we learn so much from each other, we gain points to ponder and refine within our own dynamics, we gain talking points and opportunities for growth. It's a very good place to be, and a wonderful, giving group of people :)

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    2. I'm noticing that! Everyone is really supportive and caring... It's nice to have people talk to, share ideas with, and like you said "learn from". I have learned so much from the other guys and gals here in blog land. Long before I was blogging, I was gleaning insights from all of you. Thanks again for sharing ;)

      P

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  11. I agree with you June. It's not equal...but it IS fair, because it's what we both agreed to and what we both want for our relationship.

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    1. Thanks, Tess. I think people get so hung up on the concept of 'equal', balanced is so much more conducive to harmony. It's more fluid and forgiving and allows each of us to use our strengths for the betterment of our relationship and our families.

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