Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The Price of Selfishness


                                                        
I'm sure the title seems rather ominous to folks, but June and I felt that it was important to talk about the high price of selfishness in DD/TTWD relationships. What is selfishness? Well, it is our belief that selfishness is something that can manifest itself in a number of different ways, but before we get to all of that let us see if we can define it.


                                                


sel.fish
adjective  - Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's on interests, welfare etc.

                                                    



 It becomes easy to see why this is a negative, but it also paints a clear, honest picture of the need for both HoH and TiH to be cognizant of their actions and motivations. Words spoken offhand, doing some of the same old things we've always done, or just dismissively not hearing the words that our partners speak are not just dismissive, but clearly selfish, and in this discovery we must determine the course(s) of action to grow closer, stronger and more affirmative to the needs and desires of our partners.  As an HoH I realize that my life and the direction of all of those under my roof must be positive, and this positivity must be catalyzed by a fair amount of love and sacrifice.  Turning off the tv, following a conversation (even when I am tired), spending time teaching and playing with my sons, and giving her an opportunity to be heard... I said sacrifice before but honestly it really isn't for me, by being unselfish and attending I gain so much more than I would have by napping on Saturday afternoon, or by watching hours and hours of sports. No, I can be better than that for my family and I can be better than that for my June.  I guess when I think about it that way it's not so much of a choice, it is the right thing to do and I honestly find that when I make the right choice the day goes so much smoother.

                                                              


Selfishness is also a two way dance and as surely as an HoH can be dismissive and ignorant of fruitful communication and familial growth, so can a TiH.  Talking over her HoH, being unconcerned about things that are important to him, being dismissive or downplaying his words, or by saying nothing and later being resentful that something wasn't handled just the way they would do it... these are all small examples of selfishness that can cause a great deal of harm and slow or damage growth within a healthy relationship. Encouraging open honest dialogue, and giving her my undivided attention, making eye contact, having an open, but solid posture, these things, and my own personal demonstrations of love, attentiveness, and tenacity allow June to see me for who I am and what I desire, need, and crave from our relationship and these same ideas also allow me to see to my June's needs with a happy, engaged heart.

                                          





We find as we do these things, the desire to give of ourselves to each other only grows greater with time.  There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of ways that we can improve our service to each other and our relationship.  As a man, I find it pleasurable to find ways to give my wife, my lady,  the attention, care and effort that she needs and deserves. It also thrills me that she never fails to give me the kind of care and love that I have needed for the longest time.. It is a true privilege to call her mine and a true honor to be hers.






                                              

                                            
Her POV: 

My Daddy honors me with his words. And he honors me every single day, in every single look, every touch, in the seemingly small considerations, that to me, are immense. I have never been important to anyone before. I have never had the reciprocity that he shares with me. I have always given, thinking that someday it would be returned, some day someone would see the heart in my service and I would become important. That never happened till the day I sent an email to tell a man that his words touched me. From that very moment I have been treated with the most extraordinary care and kindness that I have ever known.

I love him. Purely and honestly love him. It is at once simple and as profound as anything I have ever experienced. I pour myself out on him, but I am never depleted he is continuously filling my heart. It is my joy to be of service and in service to him. I try to always be conscious that he is my heart, and he is committed to being my soft place, my safe harbor. I try to give him the same, with every ounce of intent. I try hard to remember that things do go wrong, but he is not my enemy, he is the one I can always turn to. He is the one that will always have my hand. He is the one that will always do what it takes to make it right. Even when it isn't easy. No matter how hard it is. No matter how tired he is. No matter if there is a program on tv that he has been waiting months to see. He is there, and he is my leader. He stands before me, fighting for us. Do I owe him any less?

He makes his efforts strong and committed and consistent. We hear a lot in blogland about problems caused when our HoH's are not consistent. But I would challenge: How consistent are you in your submission? How consistent are you in showing him your respect? We are equally charged with giving our best and most consistent efforts.

Is that always easy? No, it's darn difficult sometimes. Sometimes we are are the end of a stressful day with children, work, house, laundry, school problems. Sometimes he is tired. Sometimes he says things that may be irritating, or hit you the wrong way. Those are the times I take a breath, close my eyes and see with my heart who this man is to me and what is his due as my husband, as my man, as my leader, as my partner. He used to get frustrated with that moment, now he understands that I may be challenged and working through to my best self. And he gives me that grace. And I remember to give him that grace when he has a moment as well, perhaps gently sharing that he was a bit short. And then we grab hold of each other's hands and give each other the grace of forgiveness. And with that we grow and flourish. That's pretty awesome.

46 comments:

  1. Hugs to you both. That was beautiful.

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    1. Thanks so much, Annie. (((hugs))) back!

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    2. Hugs Annie, Thank your reading!

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  2. That is pretty awesome June, it has become easier to take those breathes in those irritating moments but there is still room for a lot of improvement. Next time it happens, your words here will come to mind.

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    1. Thanks so much, dancingbarez, you honor me:) There's always room for improvement. I am so far from perfect, it is not even funny - I'm just perfectly imperfect me. He inspires me to strive for excellence. And he welcomes every single effort with grace and joy. All he asks is that I am mindful of him, and of the importance of our relationship.

      (((hugs)))

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    2. Hello dancingbarez, June is pretty awesome and she does put a lot of effort and it never goes unnoticed!

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  3. Well..it's certainly looking like summer around here! Wish I was in that water right now:)

    This was lovely. June, I love that description...you pour yourself out to him, and he fills your heart right back up.

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    1. Me, too, Tess! You can tell where my mind is, can't you? The whole family are water babies!

      Thanks very kindly. It is new and amazing to me, in all my previous relationships I have ended up depleted. The more I give Daddy, the more he gives me and the more I have to give. It's amazing!

      (((hugs)))

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    2. Hiya Tess!

      The water is perfect, dip a toe in, and pull up a chair!

      June fills my heart and lifts my spirit, she is my greatest blessing!

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  4. Geez, and I wanted it all. Just kidding. I probably shouldn't be commenting on my friends blogs tonight because I am being a little snarky.
    So, I will start over. Once again, you two have made some very heartfelt and wise examples. I hope that those who are struggling will read your post and find some direction and understanding.
    Not only should we be unselfish in our DD relationship but I also find it a necessity and a desire in our marriage all the time.
    Wish I was sitting on the beach like your picture.

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    1. That's okay, I was feeling kinda snarky my own self today - sigh, and I had to take my own advice....gosh I hate when that happens, lol. We do, too, Blondie, it's at the foundation of all that we do. It all really boils down to respect, I suppose.

      (((hugs)))

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    2. Hello Blondie,

      I can understand, somtimes I get to feeling pretty snarky myself, but I am glad that you could find something useful in this post, and we wish we could pull you up another chair the water really is quite warm!

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  5. Your last paragraph is one I will come back here to read...to remind myself....to take that breath, to allow Him to also...to forgive...to hold hands, not 'grudges'. I needed to read this this morning..thanks.
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, I LOVE that line! hold hands not grudges brilliant! I need the reminder sometimes too. I take that breath a lot, lol. Only being human is sometimes too hard.

      (((hugs)))

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    2. abby, This post will serve as a reminder to me as well, it takes a careing person to put aside words for the comfort of open arms and open hands.

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  6. Such beautiful words from you both and such an important message. You are so right too - both partners need to be consistent. I love your last paragraph and will endeavour to remind myself to take a breath. Thank you.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thanks, Roz. I think it's an important concept. It feeds into reciprocity as well, doesn't it? We care for them and want them to care for us. We want them to be consistent, and sometimes forget that we have a standard to which we need to hold ourselves, and to be consistent with that effort as well.

      (((hugs)))

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    2. Thank you so much Roz, Consistancy, grace, reciprocity, are all good things to remind us all to take that breath sometimes!

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  7. " Those are the times I take a breath, close my eyes and see with my heart who this man is to me and what is his due as my husband, as my man, as my leader, as my partner." What a lovely way to look at it. As always you both are such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing such a deep thought provoking post.
    We can all benefit from being less selfish. quiet sara

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    1. Thanks so much for your kind words, sara :) I learn much from Daddy, much about patience, and the desire to be more than I have ever experienced. He inspires me, and there is nothing I would not give to him.

      (((hugs)))

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    2. Hello Sara, We are so glad you stopped by.

      The world around us has taught many to be selfish, but we are so glad that we can depend on each other to be open, forgiving, and unselfish.

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  8. This was a topic just the other day between some friends and I. What we all agreed on was really REALLY trying hard to always try to put yourself in the other person's place when frustrated and feeling like our own needs are not being met - sort of a step out of the box type thing (like taking that breath). It's SO hard to be selfless when in a selfish state of mind. Any chance that I can get to tell myself "think about this Emi! you are thinking all about you right now, and what about him? is HE tired, stressed at work? family life? personal struggles? what's his side? what has he done for me before?"
    I try to make a mental check list before I get too much more caught up in my selfish thoughts.

    It's very hard and a heavy responsibility, but pays off dearly when you do take that breath, and stop and remind yourself.

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    1. That's what we try to impress on the boys all the time, Emi. "How would you feel if they did that to you?" I loved you inner dialog, Emi. Yes, it is so important to remember the whole of our experience with that person, because we all have bad days. And we owe these people that we love so dearly that grace.

      (((hugs)))

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    2. Hello Emi!

      Sometimes we really must take a moment to consider our partners and their feelings and needs, sometimes we must take a moment to think of what is on their mind or heart... it isn't always easy but it is important!

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  9. A beautiful post with a great message. I love how both of you contribute to the blog too!

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    1. Thanks so much, CB. I enjoy writing together with Daddy, and sometimes I learn things :)

      (((hugs)))

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    2. Hello Chaotic Beauty!

      We are so glad that you enjoy, I love writing with June... It alows us to approach issues from different angles and considerations and we love giving both of our views!

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  10. A beautiful post as usual, its so very much got to be an ebb and flow, give and take, although it might seem that being the dominant means getting everything ones own way and very one sided thats far from reality, its a great deal of responsibility.

    x

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    1. Thanks so much, tori :) You are so right, he bears the responsibility not only for himself, but for me and for our children. Their load must be incredibly heavy... even when it seems they have unfair advantage by virtue of their Dominant status. And they do it so well!

      (((hugs)))

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    2. Hello tori,

      Thank you! Being dominant at least a good one means being considerate and self-sacrificing, and never selfish, it's a huge responsibility that I bear with an open, glad heart!

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  11. breathing....breathing....breathing....I just forget it!!! lol We all know how good I do at that!

    In all seriousness there is much to think about and mull over.

    (((hugs)))
    bg

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    1. It sounded like a training camp here today, bg. "Don't tell your Daddy cause he'll tell my Daddy.." and we always rat ourselves out anyway :-p Have I told you I'm glad you made it to blogland?

      (((hugs)))

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    2. Hello baby girl,

      Somtimes mulling things over for a while can bring us the most growth!

      Thank you for stopping by!

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  12. Thank you Ward and June for such a lovely thought-provoking post. Definitely agree that all of us can benefit by being less selfish. You two are such a beautiful and inspirational example to all of us.

    Selfishly, I love the warmth and love I feel whenever I come visit here. ;)

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thanks so much, Cat. Selfishly, I love having you come and enjoy being able to 'chat' with you :)

      (((hugs)))

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    2. Thanks Cat, we love getting folks to think! You are surley a inspiration to us all and we love it when you visit!

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  13. Beautiful thoughts and words. I especially liked the "Engaged Heart" - so simple yet so powerful.
    Thank you both ~

    <3 Cali

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    1. He walks the talk, Cali. I have never known, in all of my life and any relationship from father through previous partners, been privileged to know a man who is so engaged with his family. He gives us every ounce of himself, the full measure, even when it's hard. We are truly blessed.

      (((hugs)))

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    2. Hello Cali Mom,

      Thank you so much, I love the engaged heart image it describes us so very well! Thank you for stopping by!

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  14. Hey you two:) sorry a bit late to this post, and can I say I love your new home, please please can I come swimming too ??? Lol

    I loved this post, just recently H and I had a very similar discussion where I was disciplined for my inconsistency. It's so easy to look to our partners all the time and see what they might do wrong and point that out to them. But to stop and see their pov and understand their feelings, in any given situation is so much more important.

    DD can bring a couple so much closer, if we move with understanding and forgiveness, rather than blame and selfishness. Thank you again for this post x

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    1. Never too late, Missy :) Yes, come! The water looks gorgeous, doesn't it?

      a few months back I wass disciplined because Daddy thought I was distancing when I took that minute. We learned from it though, and growth is always the point of discipline. I learned to ask for the minute, and he learned that I'm not stonewalling, just trying to acclimate and put my responses in a respectful frame. We really do have to be willing to step out of our box and into theirs - kinda like a Venn diagram, lol - our circle, their circle and the intersection :-p

      (((hugs)))

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    2. Hello Missy

      DD can bring the best out of a couple, but it does take constant effort and vigilance!

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  15. June and Ward, thank you for this wonderful post. It seems like society today breeds selfishness. I hope many, many folks get to read this. It would to the world a world of good! :-)

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  16. Oh gosh....I am late....I am trying desperately to make my way around blogland....and I have needed for awhile to stop in here and say hi :)

    Ttwd can make us so conscious of things that we do.....and don't do. I realized recently that I had forgotten the reason I wanted to start doing all of this. I was doing things for Ryan, but not doing them with joy in my heart....and that made me very sad. I was reverting back to the old me....only trying to get out of this the good things for me. He deserves so much better than that. I am doing my best to remember all that he does for us....and I need and want to reciprocate that to him.

    Loved this post....and your new look....I want to come by for a swim ;)

    Hugs.....

    ~Lucy

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    1. Never too late, Lucy, I know you're very busy :)

      We place great importance on reciprocity and mindfulness. And you know, all of us slip sometimes. The important thing is to remember, and to make the correction, more so than never falling. Lord knows, I fall flat on my face on a fairly regular basis. But as long as we're willing to correct our course, as long as we desire to make things right, we'll be fine :)

      Thanks! Daddy said he wanted something summmery, and I thought this was perfect and intimate. C'mon in, the water's great!

      (((hugs)))

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