Insecurity and Self-Confidence

 Everyone has insecurities. From an early age we are taught to believe that we must attain the unobtainable, that we have to stay in the lines and have to be blond-haired, blue-eyed and perfect husbands and wives in order to see our true worth.  Society at large, the media, and even contemporary music and television shows depict the common person as lacking. Day in and day out we are bombarded with not so subtle messages and reminders that we'll never make enough money, that we're not attractive enough, not young enough, just plain not good enough. June and I had an interesting conversation the other day and I realized that fostering a healthy self-image and a positive self-mindset are going to be a lifelong endeavor that demands my finest vigilance and most selfless motivations.We know what sometimes causes insecurity, So why then are we still susceptible to it?  Why is it so easy to lift others up and yet doubt our own veracity? In my own case, I guess I've always feared never measuring up to what June desires and deserves in a man, I fear that I won't be a good enough father and that the kids truly deserve better.  June reassures me every day that I do a better than descent job, and when I see them smile, or watch them playing or check on them when they are sleeping, it gives me a confidence that bolsters me. Confidence is a beautiful thing and it is easy to take delight in it's design in our lives.  I have been told that confidence in a man is sexy.  June does indeed thrive when I take charge, not only in our relationship but in and around our home as well. Her confidence me furthers this, but I always try to remember that there is being confident and take charge, and there is being arrogant and dismissive, I try very hard not to be the latter. Observing these benefits, I face my fears with the intent on improving not just myself, but improving my leadership overall and leading by example. June does display beautiful confidence at fleeting moments, and that is what I seek to nourish. Her poise, her skill, and her intelligence are a delight to behold and they serve only to highlight the beauty that shines both inside and out.  June is a remarkable homemaker, a brilliant chef,and an outstanding mother add to that her intellect and it's no surprise as to how I fell deeply in love with her.  As I have told her, "So what you aren't bottle blond and 115lbs, you are beautiful, vibrant, and have a brightness that could not be duplicated. You have a real woman's body, a body designed for nourishment, nurturing and comfort. You have a few grey hairs to speak to your experience and wisdom and I LOVE it and would not change a thing... anyway, this gentleman doesn't prefer blondes."  She laughed and said it was good, and even if she thinks I'm crazy she knows my love for her is real.                                                            Self-confidence begins with understanding that we have our partner's back and that no matter what, they have our deepest and truest love. From there I would encourage you all to take a moment to reflect on what is positive in your world and about yourself.  Take delight in your individuality, marvel at your uniqueness and understand that there is beauty in the honest soft beauty in the display of soft openness and the acceptance of one's strength, appeal and beauty... especially when it is hard to see ourselves.  Despite the selfishness of others, even people we grew up with, shared a home with, or were once intimate with... No sometimes we must dig deeper and see not only our worth, but how our self-perception affects our partners. I'm sure that I am not the only HoH who takes issue and will vigorously correct self-degradation and unhealthy, sef-directed language that only hurts and adds to a layer of negativity.  June knows that I take no pleasure in the act of  correction. It is a painful thing for us both, but I also understand that sometimes, like the truth, the growth process can sting a little.

                                         

The funny thing about fear is, that it's very often not rational.  I realize that this does not make fear impotent, but often times fear is unjustified, and dealing with fear often requires the influence of love and patience. I would encourage the HoH's, the husbands and the leaders of homes to reach out, reassure, and display the earmarks of true love, great and unconditional.   If it took a hundred thousand forevers I would show her that she is beautiful every day and that is the kind of wholesome earth that happy, healthy thoughts thrive in.

The same is true of you. Walk tall, communicate and be confident in your family's confidence in you. Lead from the front and be a living, breathing example of  self-confidence and healthy male energy. It won't always be so simple or easy, but it will always speak to simple, solid leadership.. it all starts with love!

                                                                         

                                                      

Her POV:

Is my fear rational? No. Do I know that? Yes, Can I stop it? No. It's there, deep seated in the back of my mind. I have been taught from the earliest that I was unworthy. There was a fundamental lack trust building that should occur in babies (more psychology stuff), it changes the brain chemistry. It changes perceptions, and 'gut-reactions'.

Do I believe he loves me? Yes. Do I trust him? With my live and the lives of my children - our children now. Do I trust his veracity when he says he will never leave - I''mm 'stuck' with him? No, I know he will not leave. What do I fear? Not being worth it. I have never been worth it. What happens if when all the struggles are over he wonders what in the world he fought so hard for? What if some mystical thing changes and the inner darkness comes out and permeates our lives?

I have no answers. I wish I did. I wish I could gain the confidence. I hate sometimes that I am so needy. I worry that he will weary of that. When I am in his arms I feel that, I feel that confidence, that ....sense that I am ok. Then I so much as walk to the bathroom, and can be smiling and feeling full of him, and glance up at the mirror and the smile fades and I wonder just what he sees that I do not. And how long it will be enough.

I try, I do. I want to be better. It's hard. He'd have to tell you, sometimes I feel that I hold onto it a bit longer. My therapist and I talked about it not long ago. She said it may never go away, that I may have had my brain permanently altered. But she see's very positive results since Daddy - yes she knows exactly what kind of relationship we have, and she still thinks he's good for me :) I work, I try. I love him. That's all I can do.