Friday, March 15, 2013

Insecurity and Self-Confidence

                                                          

Everyone has insecurities. From an early age we are taught to believe that we must attain the unobtainable, that we have to stay in the lines and have to be blond-haired, blue-eyed and perfect husbands and wives in order to see our true worth.  Society at large, the media, and even contemporary music and television shows depict the common person as lacking. Day in and day out we are bombarded with not so subtle messages and reminders that we'll never make enough money, that we're not attractive enough, not young enough, just plain not good enough. June and I had an interesting conversation the other day and I realized that fostering a healthy self-image and a positive self-mindset are going to be a lifelong endeavor that demands my finest vigilance and most selfless motivations.We know what sometimes causes insecurity, So why then are we still susceptible to it?  Why is it so easy to lift others up and yet doubt our own veracity? In my own case, I guess I've always feared never measuring up to what June desires and deserves in a man, I fear that I won't be a good enough father and that the kids truly deserve better.  June reassures me every day that I do a better than descent job, and when I see them smile, or watch them playing or check on them when they are sleeping, it gives me a confidence that bolsters me.
Confidence is a beautiful thing and it is easy to take delight in it's design in our lives.  I have been told that confidence in a man is sexy.  June does indeed thrive when I take charge, not only in our relationship but in and around our home as well. Her confidence me furthers this, but I always try to remember that there is being confident and take charge, and there is being arrogant and dismissive, I try very hard not to be the latter. Observing these benefits, I face my fears with the intent on improving not just myself, but improving my leadership overall and leading by example.


June does display beautiful confidence at fleeting moments, and that is what I seek to nourish. Her poise, her skill, and her intelligence are a delight to behold and they serve only to highlight the beauty that shines both inside and out.  June is a remarkable homemaker, a brilliant chef,and an outstanding mother add to that her intellect and it's no surprise as to how I fell deeply in love with her.  As I have told her, "So what you aren't bottle blond and 115lbs, you are beautiful, vibrant, and have a brightness that could not be duplicated. You have a real woman's body, a body designed for nourishment, nurturing and comfort. You have a few grey hairs to speak to your experience and wisdom and I LOVE it and would not change a thing... anyway, this gentleman doesn't prefer blondes."  She laughed and said it was good, and even if she thinks I'm crazy she knows my love for her is real.



                                                          

Self-confidence begins with understanding that we have our partner's back and that no matter what, they have our deepest and truest love. From there I would encourage you all to take a moment to reflect on what is positive in your world and about yourself.  Take delight in your individuality, marvel at your uniqueness and understand that there is beauty in the honest soft beauty in the display of soft openness and the acceptance of one's strength, appeal and beauty... especially when it is hard to see ourselves.  Despite the selfishness of others, even people we grew up with, shared a home with, or were once intimate with... No sometimes we must dig deeper and see not only our worth, but how our self-perception affects our partners. I'm sure that I am not the only HoH who takes issue and will vigorously correct self-degradation and unhealthy, sef-directed language that only hurts and adds to a layer of negativity.  June knows that I take no pleasure in the act of  correction. It is a painful thing for us both, but I also understand that sometimes, like the truth, the growth process can sting a little.




                                         


The funny thing about fear is, that it's very often not rational.  I realize that this does not make fear impotent, but often times fear is unjustified, and dealing with fear often requires the influence of love and patience. I would encourage the HoH's, the husbands and the leaders of homes to reach out, reassure, and display the earmarks of true love, great and unconditional.   If it took a hundred thousand forevers I would show her that she is beautiful every day and that is the kind of wholesome earth that happy, healthy thoughts thrive in.
The same is true of you. Walk tall, communicate and be confident in your family's confidence in you. Lead from the front and be a living, breathing example of  self-confidence and healthy male energy. It won't always be so simple or easy, but it will always speak to simple, solid leadership.. it all starts with love!

                                                                         
                                                      

Her POV:

Is my fear rational? No. Do I know that? Yes, Can I stop it? No. It's there, deep seated in the back of my mind. I have been taught from the earliest that I was unworthy. There was a fundamental lack trust building that should occur in babies (more psychology stuff), it changes the brain chemistry. It changes perceptions, and 'gut-reactions'.

Do I believe he loves me? Yes. Do I trust him? With my live and the lives of my children - our children now. Do I trust his veracity when he says he will never leave - I''mm 'stuck' with him? No, I know he will not leave. What do I fear? Not being worth it. I have never been worth it. What happens if when all the struggles are over he wonders what in the world he fought so hard for? What if some mystical thing changes and the inner darkness comes out and permeates our lives?

I have no answers. I wish I did. I wish I could gain the confidence. I hate sometimes that I am so needy. I worry that he will weary of that. When I am in his arms I feel that, I feel that confidence, that ....sense that I am ok. Then I so much as walk to the bathroom, and can be smiling and feeling full of him, and glance up at the mirror and the smile fades and I wonder just what he sees that I do not. And how long it will be enough.

I try, I do. I want to be better. It's hard. He'd have to tell you, sometimes I feel that I hold onto it a bit longer. My therapist and I talked about it not long ago. She said it may never go away, that I may have had my brain permanently altered. But she see's very positive results since Daddy - yes she knows exactly what kind of relationship we have, and she still thinks he's good for me :) I work, I try. I love him. That's all I can do.

29 comments:

  1. Wow...this post sure hit home for me! Could write a book here in the comments. LOL Thank you both for such a wonderful and loving look at something very painful for me.

    Wishing you both a wonderful weekend.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Smiles, always happy to have you read and reply Cat, you are one of our dearest friends. We wish you the finest of weekens!

      Hugs and Blessings to you as well,

      Ward and June

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  2. Thank you both so much for this wonderful post. It hit home for me also. Self confidence and insecurity are issues for me and as you say Ward, Rick does not let it fester any more. He takes action. I never realised before how my self depreciative talk affected him and with his help, love and guidance, my self confidence is definitely increasing.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz! action, love and guidance are three of the keys to boosting self-confidence! Thanks for stopping by!

      ~Ward

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  3. June I'm sorry to hear that your selfconfidence has been so bruised. You are lovely in Wards love.
    Bea

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    1. She is definatly lovely in my love... inside and out and every day we work on her confidence a little bit more.

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  4. Sometimes it's just easier to see the 'bad or not so good' things about ourselves than to believe we're worth the love. Hugs, I think we can all relate to this post.

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    1. Somtimes it is easier... but nothing worth doing or worth having is easy... fighting for the belief of positivity is a worthy persuit!

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  5. June reading your post I feel like im looking in the mirror. Years in childhood of not being perfect enough. Hearing your to skinning and then your to heavy. I cant say all the things on here because they are very ugly, but you get the picture. Hubby has spent years trying to help with the deep feelings the ones no one sees. Im quite confident on the outside to the outer world. Its the inner thoughts and feelings that I think will always be there. Ward your words are always a teaching lesson what a great man you are for June. Thank you for your thoughts and words of wisdom. It also answers some of the questions I had from the last post.The ugly that haunts us is not seen only the beautiful wives and mothers that we are. Hugs thank you

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    1. Thank you so much for reading this post, Annie, I hope that all of you ladies can see what A man sees when he looks at his woman. Beauty Poise... Grace

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  6. June,

    I feel like I could have written every word you said. You and I have talked before about the irrational fears. I did it again yesterday when Bucko didn't answer his phone right away. Ward makes amazing points, and I think he is perfect for you. I've never understood why one negative is easier to believe than ten positives, but for me it is. Thank you both for sharing this. You give me hope that I can get to a better place.

    Hugs to you both,
    TL

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    1. Hello TL - I hope you can see how this affects us guys, and that we really do love you just the way you are!

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  7. June, Ward loves you so much. It's truly beautiful, and so are you. Who knows how we get into self-deprication. My therapist, whom I can't tell of my evolving ttwd relationship as she would wholeheartedly disapprove, has really helped me get past my perceived lack of self-worth, to accept that I am a capable, talented, resourceful, and a very smart woman despite my need to rail at my failures. The what-ifs don't matter, only the what-is does. ((hugs))

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    1. I do love June with all of my heart, it's true. Media saturation not hearing enough from your guy, who knows how we learn to self-depreciate, it takes man with a strong heart and a deep love to reassure and show her how beautiful she is.

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  8. To be blessed with a relationship that doesn't drive us deeper into our own insecurities is a wonderful gift. You two have been given that. It's beautiful.

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    1. We are truly blessed Susie! We are very thankful to have each other to help with our insecurities!

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  9. This is a interesting subject, one i have a lot i could say on, but i wont..would be here a while otherwise lol

    I think the influences in our lives play a part in shaping us, and sometimes those influences are not positive ones..but its what we know. I used to have a fairly low self esteem, and i still lack a fair bit of self confidence in some areas but ttwd and the bossman has helped me in looking and reflecting on what influences are best for me.

    Nobody is perfect, yet we seem to live in a society where there is this 'ideal', emphasis is on celebrities and looking good, thin, pretty etc..when we seem to be missing its about whats within and seeking perfection creates problems that neednt exist. Its accepting that its ok to have flaws and its those that make us 'real'.

    x

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    1. Nobody is perfect and lord, don't we try to be?! She is perfect for me and her beauty and wholesome love speak for themselves! Thanks for coming by tori!

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  10. June, I can so identify with you on this one. It took me a very long time to feel even somewhat secure with Master. I was convinced He could find someone so much better. He worked hard at curing me of that, and although I hear Him and believe Him, sometimes......You have a guy who walks the walk, not just talks the talk...lucky you!
    hugs abby

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    1. Hi abby! I try very hard to give her what she needs every single day!

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  11. I like this. It's very nice.

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    1. Hello! Nice for you to stop by, thank you!

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  12. Hey you two how cute can you two be ;)

    Ok this post really hit home. Super skinny and ideal woman, well tell me about it. My husband always puts me in front of the mirror, and tells me to look at myself and stop being so hard on myself. I hate it. Me and mirrors don't get on, and he's adament i See myself the way he sees me. It's so hard.

    Anyway just wanted to say this was a great post :)

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    1. Hello Missy. That's just it. Some of us men would tell our ladies that curvy and full figured is the idea woman, not what the media portrays. I have to remind June of this nearl y every day and I am very adament.

      Thank you for stopping by!

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  13. I struggle with this every day. It isn't as pervasive as it used to be because of the Man. I spent years with a man who told me everyday in every way I was not enough. When coupled with never, EVER being quite as good... etc as my older sibling.. and well we all know. For me, I often live in fear that I'm not enough and he's going to suddenly fall out of love with me, or not matter how much weight I lose, I still see, "Fat me.". My logical self knows this isn't ok and I gotta tell ya, my bottom is pretty happy he hasn't moved to spanking for negative talk.... So, I too am learning and trying cause he loves me and is working so to be the leader we need.

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  14. Hello Dana, thank you so muich for stopping by and reading. You are a blessed woman to have a man that loves you like yours does! Thank you for stopping by!

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  15. I just want to thank you both for this post.

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  16. Hello Grace, sorry for just noticing this! We are very happy to have you read this post!

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