Exploring traditional male-led, DD, D/s relationships in a modern world. We believe in building on and within our core values of communication, reciprocity, grace and balance.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Healthy Tears and Emotional Expression
Crying is a natural and healthy part of life. I must admit that like many men from my particular demographic, I was taught, and even conditioned not to display much in the way of emotion. Emotional expression can manifest itself in a variety of ways and it is to the benefit of any relationship to not only observe and recognize these expressions of emotion, but to nurture and respond to them in an appropriate manner. Many emotions can take many different and even varied forms that might change from day to day, hour to hour and even minute to minute. The best thing we can do sometimes is really quite simple.... listen and be there for your lover.
Happiness is more than a smile, sometimes happiness is the contented sigh that comes from a hot meal and a full cup at the end of a long cold day. Sometimes happiness is cuddling up on a couch watching a favorite movie and sharing a bowl of popcorn. Happiness is not always soft or quiet. Sometimes happiness is tackling each other to the ground, belly laughing and tumbling head over feet in a riotous, raucous expression of warmth and mutual delight. Sometimes happiness goes deeper, and when we accomplish something major, or we see those we love elevated, sometimes happiness means soft, sweet tears that express an inner triumph or is the culmination of a challenge met and overcome.
Anger is a word that inspires intensity of both word and deed. Anger is not always negative, and indeed sometimes a bit of healthy anger is the catalyst to communication, true change and the betterment of the processes that make a couple effective, engaged and in love. Anger can also be destructive, irrational, and very much like emotional napalm. I've often described anger to June as a lot like "fear with more enthusiasm" and if one is not careful, it is very possible to cause or open up deep emotional wounds that are very difficult to resolve in a timely, healthy fashion. Tears of rage are often an expression of deep frustration, pain and loss
Fear as said above, is a lot like toned down anger. Like a wall that separates, fear can halt progress, and create distance if it is allowed to exist and lay in your partner's mind. This is where being an HoH is especially significant. Soothing a partner's heart and knocking down those walls can be a process that takes quite a bit of time and effort, but in so doing we reveal the depth of our love and we express our own confidence and affection at a time when they need to see that most. Fear is a tricky one, folks and it is our opinion that fear should be dealt with early and not allowed to become unmanageable due to inactivity.
We now see that tears come for many reasons and in many forms. Tears can be a beautiful outward expression of relief or they can be anger, fear, hostility and pent up frustration that demand attention and in some instances not just words but action. We all know that actions speak louder than words, and sometimes in the midst of tension there is no greater comfort than knowing without a shadow of a doubt that our partners remain, thoughtful, cognizant and engaged even when things are chaotic, even when things are not easy or simple or fun.
Many people have asked or wondered what the true impact of tears is in a TTWD/DD/spanking oriented relationship. My response is that, as an HoH even during the rare times that it was necessary for June to receive correction I never set my hands to task with the mindset that tears were desired or required. The intention was to improve the communication, right the ship, and correct poor behaviors. That being said, if I saw tears, I didn't necessarily stop either. Sometimes tears during a spanking tell us that a point is being made and that the lesson is in fact being learned.
Through it all, I've learned that I CAN and MUST express my emotions in order to be effective. I've also learned that by being attentive to my lady's emotional needs, that a new level of love can be obtained and that both people in any kind of relationship must learn to recognize and respond to emotional output and prepared to do the labor of love that is managing and supporting their partner in all emotional expressions!
Tears for me have always been something to hide. When I was a child to show vulnerability/sadness/pain was to encourage more abuse, it was a sport. As I grew, with partners, my tears were met with disgust, and again as a sign of weakness to be exploited.
With Ward, my tears are gently accepted as expressions of my heart. When I apologize for being weak, he gently shushes me, and gives me the freedom to purge. When he sees me trying to choke them down, he extends his arms and tells me to let it go. He has never run from my fears, my frustration, my weariness. For that I am so very grateful.
When Daddy must correct me, I rarely cry during. What he gives to me is what I have earned, it is what must come not as retribution, but to clean my heart - I hate having disappointed him, and I need the purge - but for our relationship, so that we can move forward clean with no stamps collected. I do cry after, heartily, in his arms. These are not tears of pain or fear, they come from feeling all the love and forgiveness that he gifts to me; feeling loved and accepted totally and unconditionally by a very good man.
Sometimes during discipline there are tears. These come from the delicious feeling of being held firmly and loving in his hands. They are tears of gratitude for having my truest self accepted and treasured and our love and devotion reinforced in this way. There are tears sometimes when we make love, when the overwhelmingly wonderful feeling of being loved and treasured. There are tears when I cook and I feel my blessings all around me. There are tears in the most mundane of things, that speak of who I am and who he is and what we have and the family we make for our children.
Every one of those he catches in his hands, and holds to the light so that I can see the beauty in them, when I might feel shame. He shows me that they are the gift of my vulnerability, of my truest self to him.