Thursday, January 3, 2013

Butthurt


                                                                                                             
                                                            











No, I don't mean a bottom that is actually hurting.... or what might lead to a bottom hurting...
I'm talking about hurt feelings.  I think that it goes without saying that anyone that is or has ever been in a relationship has either said something hurtful or been told something that perhaps didn't agree with their ideas or emotional state.  I think both parties in a relationship need to be aware that the words they use have the power to affect their partner's attitude and response to those words.

Sometimes situations are difficult. Sometimes there are truths that we need to hear. Sometimes difficult choices have to be made and  in these situations it is easy to miscommunicate and hurt someone's feelings. I think open honest communication can in many cases prevent or minimize emotional damage. I think it is important for both people to make a strong and significant effort to listen and not marginalize.  A good partner finds a way, even when it is difficult to take the time to truly listen.

                                                                                
                                               

We can never really take words back once they leave our mouths. Now having said that, I realize that it is definitely possible to hurt somone's feelings unintentionally. So now what? Do we have a nervous laugh? Do we just say "They'll get over it"? No, even when we accidently harm with our words, the onus is on us to make it right.

Making it right is more than just a simple apology. Making it right means not just saying, but showing our partner that what is important to them is important to us. HoH's need to be especially attentive to this...guys, make every effort to show your lady that you are man enough to admit when you made a mistake, apologize earnestly. Ladies, ensure your guy understands that you support him, even through the difficult choices and be aware of the impact of your words as well.  We all have busy lives, but making time to make things right isn't just the sign of someone who cares, it is the cleansing of the slate and an opportunity to learn and become stronger as individuals, as a couple and as a family unit.


                                                       

Here are a few things that I believe make the apology process easier:

- Eye Contact - This one is a make or break... Eye contact is critical
- The time to do it - If there isn't time... Make time, this is somthing that needs to be done sooner rather than later.
- A quiet place - If need be, go to your room and close the door, turn off your phone, turn off the tv... make sure that you won't be interupted
- Sincerity - understand what is on your partners mind and show them that you understand what they need from you here and now.

Learning from these experiences is actually a very valuable tool. We must seize the opportunities we are given to become stronger, and we must never let something - even something seemingly small come between us. I've said it before, but it bears repeating... simply put as vibrant and beautiful couples we just don't have time for the butthurt.

                                                      

Showing your partner that you can put aside your pride and admit that you are wrong is more than just valuable, it can enhance your time together and put you both right in the place where you need to be.

                                                            




Her POV:

The first time Ward apologized to me I was like a deer in the headlights. That just never happened to me before. I wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to do with that. I have always been the one who apologized... even when it wasn't my fault. I was not used to anyone else accepting responsibility in the relationship.

Our job when they come to us in this way is to accept with grace, and let them know that it is behind us...the slate is clean. Is that not the gift that they give to us - the gift of forgiveness and a clean slate?
We need to be able to put ourselves in their shoes and understand that it was not easy to come to us. We need to ask ourselves what we seek from them when we are in the wrong. We need to see that their apology is their way of expressing their love, and their dedication to our relationships over self.

They are just as human as we are. They make mistakes. And when they apologize they make themselves vulnerable, too. They need that feeling of absolution as much as we do. Imagine what it would feel like if you offered your heart and were rejected... the walls would be flying up, and we would be moving away from each other, instead of towards each other. When we have wrong our partner, no matter if you are the HoH or the TiH, we need the forgiveness and grace of our partner.

And as Ward said, I can't emphasize how important it is to stop and  listen to each other. Turn off all distractions, if there are other people around do go to your room. This is a huge opportunity to connect with our partners, to create intimacy, and to build our relationships even stronger.



26 comments:

  1. John recently came to me and apologized for something he had said. I honestly didn't know how to react. It was an almost immediate apology and he had hurt my feelings. He really stepped up and in his apology he still was my HOH. He made me look at him and really listen. It was a stepping stone in our TTWD relationship. I forgave him and we moved on. Great post Ward and June!

    P

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    1. It's the strangest sensation, P! I was always the one who apologized in past relationships. I literally froze - how do you handle that? lol, sounds silly, I guess. Yes, they are still our HoH's when they apologize, it takes an incredible amount of strength to admit a mistake and ask forgiveness.

      (((hugs)))

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  2. One of the things that first attracted me to Master, was His use of words. Words are so important, how they are said and heard. Another post that should be required reading!
    hugs abby

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    1. You know, abby, I met Daddy because I read something he wrote and it was so beautiful and touched me so deeply, I wrote him to tell him so. I thought he was attached and added that his girl was very lucky. He replied with gratitude and said that sometime he hoped to find someone worthy of sharing that kind of life with, lol.

      Thanks for your very kind comments! (((hugs)))

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  3. Im all abt words. Bikss, not so much. He's getting used to talking more these days n recently he admitted to something to really hurt me n apologised for it, without masking it or making excuses. I felt something heavy pulling me down the last week totally crumble away n disappear. N i told him that it didnt hurt anymore n im past it. It felt so liberating!

    Thank u for a well written post!

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    1. "admitted to something THAT really hurt me" i mean. Sorry.

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    2. It's awesome when they do that, Fondles, especially when you're not used to it. And yes, it is the same incredible clean feeling, no residual 'butthurt', lol

      (((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks, trazuredpet :) He's a smart cookie!

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  5. Another wonderful and though provoking post, thank you for sharing.

    The words we use are so powerful, how they are said and heard is so important. Even more important is how we put it right when we make a mistake with our words. This is something we are improving all the time.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thanks for your kind words, Roz :)

      Words have amazing power, they are one of the currencies of communication, and we should treat them with the true value that they hold. This is one of the areas in which Ward and I try to be especially mindful.

      (((hugs)))

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  6. Definitely another wonderful post!!

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    1. Thanks very much, elle! I love to get his POV:)

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  7. Another wise and thought provoking post, Ward. Words are very powerful and can be very personal. What might not bother me might hurt someone else depending on our backgrounds. So if we are not careful, we can really hurt someone with the use of one small word.

    Lillie, I love your POV and that is something I have to really work on. I am very uncomfortable when someone apologizes to me and just want to accept it quickly and move on. Not because I don't value their apology but because I have received so few, I don't know how to accept one gracefully.

    Thank you both for a post that I will come back a read several times to try and help me learn to be a better person.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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  8. *Mad giggles* Cat called me Lillie :-P

    Words have an amazing power, [we examined the words we use in a post a while back - (The Power of Words - July '12)]. An apology is so many things at once, most importantly, a way to understand that someone loves and values you enough to humble themselves, and to strengthen your relationship immeasurably. How we handle the apology is as important as how we speak to each other.

    You couldn't be a much better person, Cat - we'd all need sunglasses, lol.

    (((hugs)))

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    1. Oh Junie - I am so sorry - that's what I get when I'm trying to multi-task and answer several posts at the same time! Sheesh - better go see who else I called by the wrong name. grrrr

      I agree, how we accept apologies is extremely important and that is where I have trouble - need to work a lot more on that one. :(

      Thanks for the lovely compliment!

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    2. LOL - it's all good - I have been called worse, lol. LillieBelle is nice, so it's all good :-P

      The trick was asking myself, how do I want him to receive my apology? And then I gave him what I need to receive from him :)

      You're most welcome! Well deserved!

      (((hugs)))

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  9. I honestly think that my husband and I have apologized to each other more in the last couple years than we did for the many, many years before that. TTWD brings it out in us.

    Nice post Ward. Thanks.

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    1. It's a good feeling to be mindful, and it's always good to accept responsibility for our part when things are not perfect. He does an awesome job, doesn't he? :)

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  10. Words really do have power. We were reminded of that just yesterday actually. It's something we've had to be careful of since incorporating ttwd into our relationship. Words seem to hurt more now that we're both more vulnerable to one another, now that those walls are down. But, words can also build us up more now too. ;)

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    1. Maybe because words have always had an edge coming at me, I am acutely aware of their power. I tend to weigh every word that comes out of my mouth. It used to drive Daddy crazy, but I think he understands now, that I am trying to frame it in a respectful, constructive way.

      I do make a conscious effort to use my words to build him up, he does as well. For me, that's something I have never experienced. It's quite lovely :)

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  11. @Everyone - Thank you so much, we are reminded just how powerful words truley are and the impact we can have on our relationships, thank you so much for stopping in to read!

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  12. You know, I think it is interesting how each of us responds to words, whether it is meant to hurt or not. My husband can say something which to him is a simple statement. However I may shock the ***t out of him when my feelings are hurt. He is amazed by how I may perceive what he feels is an innocent or honest comment.

    I always like to think about the intention of words instead of those accidental marks.

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    1. I know what you mean, Minelle. That's why communication is so very important. It's not easy to admit that you're butthurt over some seemingly innocuous remark, but it's important!

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  13. Something led me to this post and I'm so glad I read it! We are having a great deal of communication at the moment. I don't know where it will lead us, but at least everything is now out in the open. Thank you for your insightful words.

    Hugs, Ami

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    1. Constructive communication is always good, Ami. Keep it up, and remember God gave us 2 ears and one mouth. :) It looks like you guys are doing an awesome job of really hearing each other and reaching past the hurt. ((( hugs)))

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