Ward and I had been talking for several months. It was after the deployment I spoke of in the last post. And honestly we were still 'friends' (who talked several hours every day...yeah, yeah, I'm a lil slow) and before we were Ward and June.
We had actually talked about littles. A friend had told me that I had a little, that she saw it. And I immediately rejected that concept. To me that was like a mark of mental illness, I immediately thought DID (dissociative identity disorder). Ward and I talked about it, and he assured me that he didn't see anything alarming in who I was, and did see some childlike qualities. I talked to my therapist about it, and called it my little piece of arrested development. She said she thought it was just a very vulnerable piece of me that I had never trusted anyone with. Well that felt better.
I had talked to Ward about it and he said that seemed a logical conclusion, especially in light of my childhood. So I started researching littles. And It seemed at first that it was all about ageplay and incest play, and that was a big no-no with my childhood. Ward and I talked about that, too. He agreed that he was not interested in ageplay. And it just kind of settled. I still researched, like I do with many things I need to understand. But neither of us considered it a factor in our .... friendship.
One night, we were talking and I had had a particularly stressful day, and he said something very comforting and Ward-like. And I started crying. Ward said, "If I were with you right now, this is where I would take you in my arms, kiss away your tears, calm your heart, tuck you into bed and tell you a fairy tale, especially for you." And even though he was not there in that exact moment, I felt cradled, and comforted, and I said, without a thought, "Kinda story, Daddy? With princesses and magick?" And he said, "Yes, love, with a very special little princess, and magick and faeries. Hush now and listen."
And he wove me the most wondrous story, off the top of his head, that lulled me, soothed me and gave me the most delicious brain tickles. It wasn't strange, and it wasn't icky, and it felt extraordinarily good. It was organic, and kind of symbolic of our relationship, very amoebic, we stretch to encompass, consume and satisfy the needs of the other.
He says that I awoke a part of him that he thought was gone forever. And with him I can be that which I have never been able to be, small, vulnerable, trusting and unbetrayed and totally genuine.
And now I'm crying.... I love you, Daddy, and I miss you so.