Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Losing my submission?





When Ward left one of my greatest fears was that I would lose my submission. I wrote about it in a post right after he left, When Submission Is Hard. I worried than when he was not here that I would lose that focus, that I would become so used to not being led that I would feel resistant to his authority.




It's hard to explain the experience of being submissive. I imagine, like everything else in this life that everything is very individualized, everyone's experience a little different. For me, when he is here, the air is easy in my lungs, I have a level of comfort that is extraordinary, my focus is sharp, all the noise that invades our lives fades away. It's just me, my man, my children, our unit.




I was terrified that when he left I would be swirled up and pulled under. In the post I mentioned above, I said "I feel a bit lost and rudderless...my guide is gone." I have found that, yes, sometimes I am sad and overwhelmed, yes, sometimes I feel that I am drowning. But my guide is not gone. He is in my heart, he is my anchor. While the seas may be rough, and I may be tossed about, I am safe, because he holds me in his heart, and I hold him in mine.





I realized in that post that my service could be expressed by making him proud, by being strong and supportive, and by representing him well. I represent him and his leadership as the head of this family. I know his expectations. I understand his vision and his goals for us and for our family. And even if he is not physically here, I can be what he wishes me to be, I can conduct myself in ways that make myself proud, and make him proud, and further our journey. I can be aware that he is a strong and virtuous man who has provided structure to support us in his absence.





Ward had an unexpected opportunity to call us a few weeks ago. I was sitting here doing school work, and his ringtone came over the phone. I wheeled around and stared at the phone, time seemed to come to a stop. The boys were jumping up and down, "He's calling you! He's calling you!" I answered the phone, head spinning, heart pounding, "Ward?" And a rich, thick, honey-smooth voice said, "Hello, sweetheart."





 And I felt his smile and I felt his warmth, and I felt not one single centimeter of distance. I felt, if possible, closer to this man that I adore. I felt myself fold into him, and it was comfortable. I was home. My fears were unfounded, there is no distance too far, no burden great enough to lessen the love and devotion I feel for him. Losing my submission? Not at all. My desire to please him, and to serve him, and to love him, and to be his soft place to land has not diminished, it has grown exponentially.






14 comments:

  1. Okay, crying in my pancakes is not the best way to start the day, but you definitely hit a spot in me with this post.
    It's lovely.
    You've got the right focus, the best attitude and strength that is fed from the man you feel so close to your heart.
    Very inspirational, June. Thank you for sharing it.

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    1. Aww, I'm sorry, Jacquie, I didn't mean to make anyone cry. Sometimes I get so far inside my head it I don't get the thoughts out on 'paper' I'd go crazy I think. I am grateful... for so many things. I'm grateful for my children. I'm so grateful for Ward. I'm grateful for this awesome community that lets me blather and offers support, and accepts what support and words of encouragement I can offer as well. It would be so much harder without each and every one of you.

      I try hard to maintain my focus. With Ward, it is easy. I feel him deeply, something else I'm grateful for. My problem, like a lot of us I guess is that I go from 0-60 pretty quick & I spin like a rabid hamster. I really need Ward to still the wheels. But when I can quiet the noise and turn inward he's there.

      I'm glad it spoke to you and sorry for the soggy pancakes :)

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  2. June, you are one strong woman. I'm sure Ward is very proud of you for many reasons, but how you are handling this deployment is simply awesome. I'm not the type of person who wishes time away, but in this one instance, I wish it was fall and he was back home with you.

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    1. Thanks, faerie! He said when we talked and in the letter that came around the same time that he was so proud, and that warmed me and made me very happy. I'm am the same - it's summer & I'd love to enjoy it, but I am surely wishing for cooler weather already.

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  3. This was beautiful June. I hoppe time passes quickly for you and I hope you tell ward exactly how you feel.

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    1. Thanks very kindly, dancingbarez, I do too! I tell Ward exactly how I feel, I am totally transparent with everything, what I am thinking, feeling, the events of the day, even with insecurities and things that could get me that raised eyebrow, and clearing of the throat. I even print out & send him copies of the posts here, and some posts from elsewhere in blogland. I want to keep him connected, too. I have our family & friends, our home, he has a metal tube, under the ocean, that has an unpleasant chemical smell - poor Ward.

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  4. I am so glad you got to talk to Ward... you know, H was a submariner, but that was the decade before I knew him... he had a different wife then and I always wondered how, when he came home for good, they were unable to reknit their lives together - it sounds like you guys have a better chance though.

    A lovely post.

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    1. Oh golly Ned, Kitty, me too! Ward said that he has lost relationships to his career before. But ....y'all get a hanky for this, now - you will need it.......
      it has never been as hard to leave anyone as it has been to leave me (I know - I cried for an hour!). I know we have a better chance - we have a different kind of relationship. And we are stronger than anything anyone can throw at us.

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  5. What a wonderful revelation and that Ward was able to call and surprise you! I hope the remaining time you're apart goes quickly!

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    1. It made my summer, Grace! I felt like I could breathe again. I mean, you don't get that dreaded phone tree call that something has happened to your loved one, but you never really know they're okay till you hear their voice. And I was grateful for the realization. So do I! Can't wait to feel his arms!

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  6. June,

    Can't imagine being away from Daddy like that...but can totally see how that phone call brought you back.

    Sending big hugs,
    mouse

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    1. Thanks, mouse, hugs are definitely always most welcome! Before he left I couldn't either, I dreaded it. I'm still not really happy about it, but we're strong enough to make it through to the other side. Sending big hugs back!

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  7. I am so glad you got that call. Nothing sweeter than hearing that voice. :)

    I love seeing that devotion you both have to each other. And seeing this revelation. So beautious and wonderful.

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    1. Oh, lil sweet dream, you have no idea how sweet it was! I was like - please don't mess with me - when I heard that ringtone. And when I heard that voice, I melted into a puddle of girl goo on the floor. And before he hung up he said - remember my voice, I'll remember yours, and remember that I love you more every moment. I can't wait till you are back in my arms - and I cried for an hour.

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