I don't exactly know what to call this post. It comes as a rumination after talking to my therapist. We have had a therapeutic relationship for longer than Daddy and I have been us. She has said before that she didn't see me as submissive. Which kind of surprised me. I am no different than I have ever been, and I have always desired to be who I am in this moment. The difference? Ward. Without Ward I have no one worthy to receive or to accept my submission.
I have always been who I am at my core, and I have always been unhappy. I have always been the one that had to take care of everyone, to gather all the edges and not let anything spill. And let me tell you, it is exhausting. I'm not made to thrive on that kind of thing. I did it because I had to. I did it because my need to serve meant that I had to do that which was necessary when the other person did not. I am logical and efficient and effective ..... and I don't love it. I am meant to nurture, to cultivate... to serve.
In the course of our weekly conversations, I have talked about my need to understand. I want to know why you want me to do things. And if you work for me, I will make sure you understand the why as well, it makes you feel invested. I want to know the details. I dislike uncertainty and surprises. I want to know what you know. Knowing helps me be prepared for any contingency. This is what she knows about me.
This past week we talked about some things going on in Ward's career path that affect our family. She asked, "Do you know..?" No. "When will you know?" I don't know. She sat for a minute and said doesn't this bother you? You're the one who has to know everything. I thought for a minute too, and I smiled. Nope, doesn't bother me, when he knows I'll know. She said, "This is so unlike the you I know."
So I thought about it - you know me - that's what I do - "Why did this not bother me? Why was I not a neurotic bundle of nerves?" And the answer is simply that I trust him. He is my HoH, he is my leader. He will ask my opinion before he makes a decision. He will shoulder the greater part of the burden. He will take care of us - of me. I have never, ever in my life been able to trust another human being to that extent. That realization made me smile.
Then I wondered - because when I'm not thinking, I'm wondering - what if he thinks that my not asking means that I am uninterested or that I don't care? So I asked him. Does it bother you that I don't ask you tons of questions about things? I mean it to show that I trust you, and not that it doesn't matter. He said that he loves knowing that he has my confidence and that I trust his judgement. And I do. And then it occurred to me, that maybe that's part of my submission to him, too.
It is many things, and hence the confusion with the name for this post. I have changed, and it is growth, because I freely and with great embarrassment admit that I was an anal, neurotic mess. And it signifies the trust that I have in my Ward. And it is one more thing that I give over to him. The only worry that I have - and I ask him all the time - is this too much? Do I lean too much? Is the burden too heavy? Because having to do that, to carry that wears on me. But my man - he thrives on it.
I see us sometimes like a tree. We - tall and straight and strong. He - slightly rugged (yum!), dug deep into the earth, stretching far above and providing shelter. I - the earth into which he plants his roots, that feeds him and helps to support our family, and his roots hold us together. We are intertwined in so many ways. We would be so much less alone, together we are a thing of beauty.
I love you, Daddy.
My dearest June, your faith, affection and love mean so much more to me than I can express here. Your love and confidence in me and us staggers and delights me so... you have grown so much and have made me a stronger man... and to that I can only say thank you... I Love you Babygirl!