In the post So you feel a little bratty, one sentence in his response jumped off the page - to me, anyway - "...give them the freedom to let go of the fear of uncertainty." Wow... he knows me so completely. Renee Rose's comment to the post Change, growth, trust and submission well, that jumped out at me, too, and especially as this post was starting to form in my mind, she wrote: Beautiful - it is amazing how peaceful surrender can be! Yes, it is, peaceful and wonderful....and a lot of work, sometimes.
If you've been reading for a while, and you read my post How Many of Us you know that I had a childhood, like far too many of us, that did not foster feelings of security or positive self-image. Before Ward I had three long-term relationships (7, 10 and 10 years). Somehow, I ended up supporting all three of those partners, financially, as well as with cooking and cleaning and all of those other things. And all three of those partners, while I was working three or four jobs to keep us going, went in search of other partners.
I've said before, when I first met Ward, I thought that he was attached. I merely intended to compliment his writing. I was surprised to find that he was unpartnered, and that was bittersweet, because I thought there was no way that he would be interested in a relationship. But look at us now!
It is easy to surrender to my Daddy. I can't express how much I love him, there are no words adequate enough to express the depth of my devotion for him. I wish that I could create one that would express it - I don't think it's possible. To give him what he asks, to anticipate what he needs, so easy, it is effortless, and it fulfills me in ways that even I don't truly understand.
I do have struggles. The greatest one, is fear... I fear so many things. I fear not being enough most of all. I fear that he will wake up one day and ask, "What in the world was I thinking?" He is this incredible man, and I am just me. He says he wishes those people who crafted my self-concept had to answer to him. He says that Daddies don't leave. He says that I am beautiful. He says I am what he has been searching for. He says that he will teach me to see myself the way that he does.
This path - it's not a destination. It's a journey. I am at once a very simple woman, and more complicated than even I ever imagined. I have said before that I give up the last little piece that I have been holding back. Sometimes that is laughable - times like this - when I find another layer. Like an onion, sometimes when you peel back a layer, you cry - I am right now. Sometimes that step feels like free-falling off the side of the mountain.
But I know a couple of things.... I love Ward with a fierce certainty. Ward loves me and somehow, I am what he needs. I could not fail him, somehow I am more than he expects though certainly not more than he deserves, and failing him is not something that I would allow to happen. And he will not allow me to fail myself.
For the first time ever, I believe. I believe Ward. I feel it. I see it. I hear it....really hear it. I taste it. I have been chained for so many years to the belief that I was lacking. And here stands my man, MY Daddy, with the key in one hand, and the chains in a pile on the floor, his other hand extended - offering me the freedom to let go of my uncertainty - to let go of my fear, to surrender yet again. And all I have to do is take his hand and let him lead me away, to accept this immense gift of love.
Take my hand, Daddy, don't let go. I won't let go.
Once again I am amazed and humbled by the boundless love of this beautiful, amazing woman that I call mine. I know that her childhood definatly left a lot of things to be desired (putting it mildly here) and I know that I cannot undo the past, but I look to the future with open arms and open eyes. I wouldn't miss a moment for the world and the love I have for my June can only grow. She has struggled with the concept of her own self-image for a while and I can only give her encouragement and lots of love... (she's beautiful folks) I have undying love for you June, and with faith, patience, love, grace and kindess I have no doubt that you will flourish and thrive.... Yes folks, I do wish that those people had to anwser to me, it's these kinds of people that have done a terrific job of lowering the self esteem of those with true beauty, these people and the media make a Daddy's job that much harder... but then again that much more rewarding.... I love you June, don't doubt it, or me and my bathbrush will have to convince you... I love you my sweet darling.