In the post So you feel a little bratty, one sentence in his response jumped off the page - to me, anyway - "...give them the freedom to let go of the fear of uncertainty." Wow... he knows me so completely. Renee Rose's comment to the post Change, growth, trust and submission well, that jumped out at me, too, and especially as this post was starting to form in my mind, she wrote: Beautiful - it is amazing how peaceful surrender can be! Yes, it is, peaceful and wonderful....and a lot of work, sometimes.
If you've been reading for a while, and you read my post How Many of Us you know that I had a childhood, like far too many of us, that did not foster feelings of security or positive self-image. Before Ward I had three long-term relationships (7, 10 and 10 years). Somehow, I ended up supporting all three of those partners, financially, as well as with cooking and cleaning and all of those other things. And all three of those partners, while I was working three or four jobs to keep us going, went in search of other partners.
I've said before, when I first met Ward, I thought that he was attached. I merely intended to compliment his writing. I was surprised to find that he was unpartnered, and that was bittersweet, because I thought there was no way that he would be interested in a relationship. But look at us now!
It is easy to surrender to my Daddy. I can't express how much I love him, there are no words adequate enough to express the depth of my devotion for him. I wish that I could create one that would express it - I don't think it's possible. To give him what he asks, to anticipate what he needs, so easy, it is effortless, and it fulfills me in ways that even I don't truly understand.
I do have struggles. The greatest one, is fear... I fear so many things. I fear not being enough most of all. I fear that he will wake up one day and ask, "What in the world was I thinking?" He is this incredible man, and I am just me. He says he wishes those people who crafted my self-concept had to answer to him. He says that Daddies don't leave. He says that I am beautiful. He says I am what he has been searching for. He says that he will teach me to see myself the way that he does.
This path - it's not a destination. It's a journey. I am at once a very simple woman, and more complicated than even I ever imagined. I have said before that I give up the last little piece that I have been holding back. Sometimes that is laughable - times like this - when I find another layer. Like an onion, sometimes when you peel back a layer, you cry - I am right now. Sometimes that step feels like free-falling off the side of the mountain.
But I know a couple of things.... I love Ward with a fierce certainty. Ward loves me and somehow, I am what he needs. I could not fail him, somehow I am more than he expects though certainly not more than he deserves, and failing him is not something that I would allow to happen. And he will not allow me to fail myself.
For the first time ever, I believe. I believe Ward. I feel it. I see it. I hear it....really hear it. I taste it. I have been chained for so many years to the belief that I was lacking. And here stands my man, MY Daddy, with the key in one hand, and the chains in a pile on the floor, his other hand extended - offering me the freedom to let go of my uncertainty - to let go of my fear, to surrender yet again. And all I have to do is take his hand and let him lead me away, to accept this immense gift of love.
Take my hand, Daddy, don't let go. I won't let go.
HIS POV:
Once again I am amazed and humbled by the boundless love of this beautiful, amazing woman that I call mine. I know that her childhood definatly left a lot of things to be desired (putting it mildly here) and I know that I cannot undo the past, but I look to the future with open arms and open eyes. I wouldn't miss a moment for the world and the love I have for my June can only grow. She has struggled with the concept of her own self-image for a while and I can only give her encouragement and lots of love... (she's beautiful folks) I have undying love for you June, and with faith, patience, love, grace and kindess I have no doubt that you will flourish and thrive.... Yes folks, I do wish that those people had to anwser to me, it's these kinds of people that have done a terrific job of lowering the self esteem of those with true beauty, these people and the media make a Daddy's job that much harder... but then again that much more rewarding.... I love you June, don't doubt it, or me and my bathbrush will have to convince you... I love you my sweet darling.
Fear is huge June and something that I can get caught in too. Sometimes it is for real and other times I get myself worked up over not much at all. Either way, my husband's strong hand and shoulder are awfully comforting.
ReplyDeleteOh, Susie, I am so much the same way - I am a world champion spinner. And Ward needs to set his finger on my head and stop me mid-rotation, lol, like a little top. Fear is not a comfortable feeling, but sometimes when it is all you have known, you find yourself drawing it around you like a blanket. It always leaves you cold and uncomfortable.
DeleteWard patiently peels it off, disposes of it,sometimes it finds it's way back - like a bad horror movie where the dismembered hand drags itself back into the house. I believe that one of these days, I'll be ready to let it go, and Ward will get it to the burn pile.
I simply wanted to tell you that your post was BEAUTIFUL, elequent and inspiring!! Thank you
ReplyDeleteThank you, SirQsMLB, for your very kind words.
DeleteI'm so glad you are finally starting to hear it and see it and believe it. You know I've spent many years unpeeling the layers of that onion too, the one that says I'm not good enough, that I'm damaged. Musicman has been their at every layer, to dry my eyes and repair the damage done by others. Our men are putting back together the pieces of our shattered selves into a uniquely beautiful soul. We both are worth the effort and if you ever doubt, look in his eyes. I'll bet you will see the same thing I do, my true self in all my glory reflected back at me. I see it, because he sees it, I believe it, because he believes it.
ReplyDeleteYou're so sweet, faerie, and you made me cry. That's exactly what they do...and that is amazing and humbling and extraordinary. I see it more everyday - I have a picture, that I love- it's silly - Daddy sent it when he was deployed and he got that short leave. He was in his hotel room - with his perfectly lined up shoes and things visible on the dresser, his clothes creased and folded just so, and he held up his glasses, and took a picture through the lenses. That's kind of symbolic - he is always trying to teach me to see the world through his eyes. I want to let him teach me.
DeleteLoved this June :) Look at how far you have come together. I know for myself, sometimes somebody has to point out my progress before I see it or believe it. You should feel proud, even as you stretch and reach for the next step.
ReplyDeleteStormy
Thank you, Stormy, indeed we do need help to see it from time to time :) I am learning to be proud of me, sometimes that's hard.
DeleteFear, yes, it's something I can get a bit lost in if I let myself and sometimes Michael has to step in and help me down off the precipice. I'm glad that Ward is there for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Grace, I am, too! And I am glad you have Michael. It is amazing to have that hand to hold. I've waited half a lifetime.
DeleteDear June, I want you to know that you are not alone in your fears or struggles. You should read the book, "I'm not good enough ...and other lies women tell themselves " by, Sharon Jaynes
ReplyDeleteThanks very much! It looks perfect, I just downloaded it to my Kindle. She has a few others that look very good as well, I put them on my wishlist. Have you read Your Scars Are Beautiful to God or Becoming the Woman of His Dreams?
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