Sunday, March 31, 2013

Male/HoH Communication

                                                                          

                                                    

Generally in my post I try to address both people in a  DD/TTWD relationship, but I've done some thinking about things and well... not this time.  I think I would like to address the ladies out there in blog land.  So ladies if you will take a moment to stop and listen I think we can all (guys reading along anyway included!) come to a better place.

                                                

Have you ever thought about the way your guy communicates with you?  Have you ever wondered why it's hard to get your fella to talk about certain things?  Well I'd like to say to all of you out there that honestly sometimes communication  for us exists on different levels than for the ladies. While this may seem obvious, it is worth investigating and understanding the values that we place on the way we communicate. I guess I'm not so different than many other men in that, I am pretty literal most of the time... now don't get me wrong I'd love to think I have a sense of humor and that I don't take things too seriously... but way, way, way more often than  not I tend to say what I mean.  Even down to the time of day, the color of the shirt that I will be wearing, the minute I will leave and return ... I am a literal kind of guy.                  
I have had to work hard with June to get better about it, but I also interpret what she says very literally and expect her to mean what she says. Time has taught me that not everything can be solved with logic and I can't always expect her to have my own particular point of view.   June has also had to realize these things about me and adjust her own methods of communication. June and I have worked long and hard to improve our communicative processes and it's a labor of love that will be continuous and rewarding.














One of the things that can get in the way of healthy communication regardless of our expectations and desires is assumption... Assumption can be a sticky thing indeed if we do not understand the way our partners think, react and respond to various forms of communication.  Have you ever talked about something in advance only to be confounded when your guy forgot or didn't  take an action? Well in your consternation, I would implore you to get down on a guys' level and understand the way he thinks and how he thinks... contrary to what you may believe, he isn't taking what you discussed for granted, undervaluing your feelings, or saying that your ideas, thoughts and words are unimportant... he may just need to be reminded of what you need, want or desire... communication on a continual basis is always important and yes, this can be achieved without nagging, without feelings getting hurt or without unnecessary silences that breaks the chain of  communication.

                                                                                                                      
Now along with communication and the need for it's continuous flow, lets talk about logic vs emotion.  To many guys, the most obvious course through something difficult is the logical one.  This isn't to say that emotions don't come into play... they do, but more often than not,  men have a tendency to see logic as the quickest, and surest way to a solution. Emotional things can be difficult for guys and I'm sure that many of you fine ladies in blog land can attest to this... I myself am no exception and can be quoted many times and many instances of telling June that something "wasn't logical"  In summation I would have you all use this information to better the communication processes between you and your partner.  Men are a lot of things, ladies, but we are not psychic. Communication openness and a willingness to freely discuss things will help us grow!


                                                

HER  POV:   Schnoots to logic, Daddy. I am an emotional creature. I will always be an emotional creature. But I acknowledge that he is the big picture man. Most of the men in our relationships are. They see past this split second in time to the varied repercussions of various courses of actions, how they will affect not only themselves, not only us, but also our families as a whole. You have to admit ladies, sometimes we get caught up in the feelings of the moment, and can't see as far as the effects . Yeah, that's their job. It's why we function better as balanced partners than as equal partners.

Sometimes they WILL forget. Understand that guys understand what we tell them,  but they are, as logical creatures, creatures that need to be primed for action. You don't get a computer program to function if you do not initiate the program. For our guys that is not - I feel sad; I feel widgey; I feel nervous. For our guys - initiate sequence looks more like this - I need you to __________. (hug me; cuddle me; spank me; reassure me, etc.).

If you tell him what you need, you are communicating. and remember back to the last post, when you do not you are not communicating clearly. When you try to push him in the direction of satisfying your needs with non-verbal communication which may accelerate into poor behavior i e, topping from the bottom.

It is not nagging to remind him, "Do you remember I shared with you that I need to feel your Dominance when.....? Well I need your help now, please?" Sometimes, ladies, we are too willing to blame the lack of effective communication on our partners, but I can tell you from experience, I bear at least as much responsibility as does Ward for the times it takes us longer to find resolution.



26 comments:

  1. Ok so I'm not gonna lie...this one SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! I struggle to bring something up once and be completely clear in what I need, but to have to do it a second and possibly third time! Ugh! That said, and may I just say that I do feel better now :), I am trying to be more clear and communicate in a way that John understands. I didn't say I was succeeding...just that I am TRYING! LOL!

    (((Hugs)))

    P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Smiles, so glad to hear your comments P, We know it's not easy... we also know that you are both trying and even when it doesen't feel like it, you are gaining ground on whole new levels!

      Hugs

      Delete
  2. Okay... I am chuckling.. cause well, The Man says to me regularly... No hints, not subtle ones, not blatant ones cause I don't get them and when I do, I get them wrong... So, he works on understanding the underlying emotions and I work on simple communication of this is what I need, or this is how I feel even if I don't understand it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree with your man Dana! Open, honest, simple communication is what it's all about!

      Delete
  3. Lol, logic? I am and English teacher, H is a maths/science teacher........ Lucky he has the psychology brain to work out how mine works, although this works against me and he can see what I'm doing sometimes ;) I'm with you June, schnoots to logic :P

    Callie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Smiles, Schnoots indeed! ;) Somtimes I have to work at it but I generally understand June fairly well... Somtimes that effort in communication is what counts the most!

      Delete
  4. Ooh Ward...This is so true and I do believe this particular post is going to hit home for quite a few in blog land. ;) Communicating and understanding the differences in communication styles are so very important.

    LOL June...logic can be a bit overrated at times. ;)

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Smiles, Hello Cat! Differentiating and understanding communication techniques and styles is a skill that we can't undervalue or underestimate!

      Hugs and blessings lovely friend!

      Delete
  5. I used to get SO MAD at Will for not listening to me! Then I realized, that when he says he has ADD he isn't kidding. So now I say to him, "Babe, is this a good time to talk?" or "Honey, I was saying something to you - are you listening?" and now, he can say, "Sorry, sweetie, I was thinking of XYZ" or "No, babe, I wasn't focusing, sorry." That has helped so much - pre-ttwd, that'd cause days of silence or fighting.

    Plus, we're different, males and females, as you've said. It's a very private dance, truly communicating with your spouse. But we can all learn. :)

    Elisa Xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Smiles, at a basic level we are all very different in the way we act, think, and respond to things, taking the time to work on the way we work togeather in order to communicate better!

      Delete
  6. Thank you for this, some great points and things to remember. Understanding different communication styles is so important and I admit, I get caught up in assuming that I have communicated effectively and that the message has been understood and will be remembered. We have got so much better at communicating now.

    Hugs,
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello my scrappy friend! It's easy to get caught up in assumptions, thats why we have to make this a lifetime priority!

      Hugs!

      Delete
  7. And what's amazing is, we can go through so much time and life together and STILL communication malfunctions can happen;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Smiles, amazing and important, it never stops Tess, it never stops!

      Delete
  8. Understanding and accepting that Musicman and I communicate very differently is something we recognized very early on. It's something we continue to work on and most likely always will, but it's so worth the effort. Great post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Faerie Wings! It's inspirational to hear that you and Musicman continue to work on this most vital issue! Thanks for stopping by! :)

      Delete
  9. I think sometimes we all forget that it takes 2 to talk things through. Neither one is a mind reader even though we may wish it. These are good points to remember no matter how long or short you've been together.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Smiles, I think you may be right, sometimes we have to step outside our own points of view and try to work with our partner to come to a healthier place of honesty and communication!

      Thanks again Tiffany!

      Delete
  10. I feel like telling him what I need is nagging --- because it seems to overwhelm him. He tells me all of the time he doesn't want to talk about stuff a lot because he doesn't want to obsess about our Dd dynamic...he just wants it to flow. I kind of find that the flow sucks when we don't communicate. He sees any communication as "there's a problem" and see it as "we're preventing problems from happening."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Communication is Vital, and I totally understand not wanting to talk about things... he is a guy after all... but it is our wish that your communication flow be honest, healthy and strong!

      Delete
  11. Wow this is such a great post. We are so different, and communicate on different levels. But we woman just assume they understand us, and get angry and disappointed when they haven't. Maybe we should start off by actually saying exactly what we mean and not expect them to encrypt some meaning.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Missy,

      Thanks! we are glad that you enjoyed it! Us guys are a bit different we are creatures of the obvious and communication takes a bit more time with us! Thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  12. Thanks you guys! I like the words you chose in the last paragraph...I struggle to express my needs in a way that is not disrespectful.
    Bea

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello and thank you Bea! Communication and respect is a vauluable, vital part of the communication cycle!

      Delete
  13. Thanks for this. Guy are very literal and remembering that does help our communication. One of the best benefits of ttwd is the improved communication.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Smiles, that we are Zoe, that we are... improved communication is a treasure which can only lead to greater relationship strength and intimacy!

      Delete

We love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for being part of our chosen family!