Monday, June 25, 2012

Insecurity revisited


I did a post a little while ago on insecurity.  I know lots of us have rules about insecurity, putting ourselves down and negative self-image. For a while I thought I understood why that was. Obviously being negative in any measure over any issue is not healthy. It doesn't help us grow. And I thought well, my insecurity was about questioning his taste. 'I wouldn't choose anyone not worthy'.

Lots of times I am occupied with a task, and a thought will drop perfectly formed into the center of my vacant little mind. So there I was, happily (well, not really, but it has to be done...) cleaning the upstairs. As I was on my hands and knees, cleaning woodwork, that perfectly shiny, worked smooth and round little thought, dropped right in the center of my conscious thought (makes you wonder about how my mind works, huh? Join the club, I'm baffled, too!).

It's not anything to do with thinking he'd be offended by my questioning his taste. When I think that I am not enough, when I think that I am not attractive, when I worry that I am not pleasing, I am not doubting my loveability. I am doubting his veracity and his sincerity. I am doubting his love. That looks a whole lot worse than doubting myself.



I love him. I trust him with my life, literally. Yet I miss drawing into myself the truth of his words and the depth of his feeling - 'You are beautiful. You complete me. You make me proud.' and letting them take root.



To my Daddy, I am sorry, dear true love. I did not realize that my doubt which reflects my fear about myself, reflected  a doubt in you that does not exist. You are the one solid thing in my world. You are the one person that I have ever been able to trust. So I will allow those truths of your heart seed and take root in mine. And I will allow my trust and faith in you polish away my doubts in myself.


I am beautiful, because my heart is without guile, and because I reflect the greatest love I have ever experienced. I am enough, because somehow I fill the emptiness in you. Like many things in this life, I don't have to understand it, only to accept that that is the way of it and it sweeps me up in wonder.

10 comments:

  1. Beautiful! No truer words, sweetie. I've had that little nugget drop on my head lot of times. I've stumbled through that self-acceptance the entirr time Monster and I have been together. Some days are better than others. I can see what he sees. But then I will falter and I question what it is about me that he likes. Then he pulls out that little question that stops my downward spiral.

    Would he really choose someone that was sub-par? Is his judgement so off, that he settled?

    Then I feel bad for doubting his ability to trust his own judgement. Doubting his honesty. Doubting...him. Turns it around real quick like.

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    1. Thanks :) Yes, I find the way eventually, usually when I'm not worrying the stone it ends up polishing itself into clarity. And when I realized it wasn't really me I was doubting with those fear, it was him, well that changed it up real quick. Not that I fool myself into thinking it will disappear, but it will be very much easier to quiet the voices that don't belong - cause NOBODY messes with MY Daddy!

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  2. Yes. Exactly. You have to trust them in all, even the part that shows you are beautiful.

    And it is hard, but they deserve to know they are with a winner. :)

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    1. Yes, Kitty, sometimes it's hard to realize that,and harder still then to admit that you were withholding trust in any manner, when you're sure you were not and then *ouch* realizing that your submission was incomplete because you held back that little piece of control, even unawares.

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  3. I too have such difficulty in seeing why someone as wonderful as Daddy-D would like to be with someone such as myself. I am such a difficult person really, and I do not see all of the glorious perks that he insists makes me worthwhile. I guess just being able to extend my trust into believing that I am enough to make him happy should quiet my own insecurities. I just need to stop second guessing… that’s where submission comes in… right? :-P

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    1. Thanks for reading, salena. Yes, it's hard to see it in that light. But once you realize that that is the truth of it, it's very hard to continue to indulge in insecurity. Once I had that little broken lollipop moment, I felt myself stopped cold in my tracks. And it's much easier to stop the thought before it even completes now. Submission is a complicated business!

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  4. This makes sense to me June. I'm not sure what to say...more that I want to think about it. Thank you for this.

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    1. Thanks, Susie. Sometimes you know something, but you have a hard time grasping the why. I'm a big why person - I need to understand the why. Now that I do, it's not something I'd imagine to question. Funny how he worked that :)

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  5. One of the hardest thing for mouse to accpet is that she has value, significant value to him.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. Oh,mouse, for me. too. He is this great, strong, beautiful, shiny being. And I am just perfectly imperfect just me. He says that I shine with a light that he has never seen before. I said I was a plain little dirt brown sparrow, he said no, I was a beautiful white dove, a harbinger of peace, humility and love, and I cried.

      I will be more careful, because I trust him. He promises to teach me to see what he sees, every day. I ask him all the time - Daddy, I understand what I receive, what do you receive, what feeds you? He is fed by my softness, he is fed by my yielding, he is fed by guiding and leading, he is fed by love. No shortage of that, and I think, mouse, not from you either. Your love for and desire to please Omega is exquisitely expressed in your writing.

      {{{hugs}}}
      June

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