Friday, March 29, 2013

Self-Image


                          
                                                  
 The media tells us one thing... our lovers tell us another... Body image? What is it? How does it define us as individuals and as a couple? One of the things I have to be vigilant about with June is that she doesn't always have a positive self-image. From day one I have found her to be beautiful inside and out and when she tells me that she doesn't see what I see, it becomes clear that I must show her every day that she is beautiful, strong, and beloved.                                      

                                                                                                                                       
                                                                                              
 











I am sure that I am not the only HoH that has particular rules about a positive self-image as well as negative self-expression. June knows that any self-loathing or detraction can only end with a very red bottom and a stern lecture about the importance of  being positive and how I am personally insulted by such self-derision. Honestly though I know it's hardly as simple as that.  We as a culture are constantly bombarded with media images, ideas, commentary and imagery. Much of this imagery serves no healthy purpose, and after many years of being force fed  an unrealistic, unhealthy standard of beauty

                                                           

That puts the ball in our court, guys.  I guess in my mind, it is my job to reaffirm and reassure my lady of her beauty every single day. It is a labor of love and a wonderful chance to prove that she is beautiful.  Prove that she is beautiful? What do I mean by that?  It's very simple.  Caress her curves with your hands and give her your eyes... let your eyes lock and give her the kind of slow soft kiss that you both craved since the day you knew that you where made for each other.  Take the time to appreciate every inch of her skin and show her that you wouldn't dare design to change a single thing.  You will both find and appreciate not only the warmth and bliss that love brings, you will also both see the strength of curves, and find the beauty in the design of a real woman's body. 

                                                     
Skinny, thick, tall,short  we are all a testament to the beautiful variation and design of humanity.  Everything that makes us different is exactly what makes all of us beautiful. Over the years I've learned that  not only must I be vigilant about stamping out insecurities, but that a positive self-image begins at home. A kind word, one small thing can lead to big changes.  In our journey together, I have also confronted my own insecurities  and fought through them with June's help to finally know and feel true acceptance and  warmth. There is a wonderful vibrancy to it and it is that which all but illuminates the beauty of June's mind and the splendor of her body. Given it is a bit more of a challenge to get her to see her own beauty.  I guess after a lifetime of verbal and physical abuse it makes it more difficult to hear words of praise. That is why I am constantly showing her light and warmth, even if sometimes it means that I have to discipline and correct self-deprecating or harmful language or gestures.  It is a job that last a life time. Helping our partners feel good about themselves when the world says that they aren't is an important skill that every man should develop.  A healthy self-image starts with love, passion, and showing each other, just how beautiful we are.  Sometimes that means a soft word, sometimes a firm, slow hand, sometimes... it's better to just let our bodies do the talking ;)   In any case we are sure that by showing each other your appreciation for each others mind and bodies, your relationship will surely grow!


                                       

Her POV:
I won't lie, this is probably one of the things I get strenuously disciplined for most often - not quite correction, surely not fun... I have been taught that I am not beautiful for my whole life. I know that Ward thinks I am, I have offered to drive him to the doctor for new glasses....yeah, THAT went over big.

When I am with him, when I feel insular, I feel beautiful, I feel feminine. When I go too far past that circle, or for too long, that little voice that tells me all my defects just gets louder. Boy.... have to tell you that this is a hard POV to write, and I;m in tears trying .... it's not about thoughts, it's not about resistance. It's a longstanding belief in what I have been taught to perceive as the truth about me, for almost 50 years.

He tells me - everyday. I know he gets frustrated - not just at me - at those who taught me that I don't really have very much to offer at all. I don't doubt him, he is the truest person in my whole life. Ward's message is genuine, good Lord I feel it in his touch, in my heart, see it in his eyes. It's just hard to make it stick long-term yet.


32 comments:

  1. You are very very lucky. I have a really hard time with this. My husband doesn't like my negative comments either.

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    1. We are indeed tremendously blessed, and indeed it is my job to ensure that negativity isn't allowed to flourish.

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  2. Oh I so understand this issue. I spent a childhood thinking I was not beautiful....thinking I wasn't feminine enough. Sir has spent what now seems like a lifetime trying to un-do it. I've got a ways to go....but I appreciate all of his efforts and I appreciate Ward's point of view...I appreciate Wards post supporting all of us who aren't 6' tall and 75lbs. Thanks!!

    hugs,
    fiona

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    1. Smiless, I'm glad your Sir has the diligence and the desire to show you how beautiful you are Fiona, and I definatly support real beauty!

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  3. Wow...this post hit home in a big way for me. I have fought self-image issues since I was a child. This was the thing Matthew most often disciplined me for...and I was doing better. Now? eh...not so much.

    June, just from your words, I know that you are absolutely beautiful! I am so happy Ward continues to show you how beautiful you are and doesn't allow the negative self-image!

    Wishing both of you and your boys a wonderful Easter.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Smiles, Self-image issues can last for a lifetime and it is the Job of the HoH to ensure that a strong, healthy, self-image is established. Thanks for leaving a wonderful commnent as usual Cat.

      Hugs, and Happy Easter!

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  4. Thank you for posting this. It struck home for me too. This is something I have always had issues with and Ward, you are right. It is something Rick is very vigilant with. He is also very good at affirming that I am beautiful in his eyes.

    As you said June, I know he is genuine, but it's hard to make it stick in my mind. I too know that you are truly beautiful June and am glad Ward continues to show you this.

    Wishing you both and the boys a Happy Easter.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Smiles, it was a pleasure to post Roz, I am glad to find common ground with folk and illuminate issues that require attention and diligence. I am not sure I understand why it is difficult for the good to stick in the mind, but a good HoH will never stop trying!

      Happy Easter to you and yours my scrappy friend!

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  5. I think we all struggle with self image, even the 6 ft tall and 75 lbs girls. We always perceive imperfection in ourselves. That's why it's so important to tell our partners everyday the qualities in them that we cherish. Our homes and relationships have to be a safe place a 'resetting' place to wash away all the negativity the world has piles on them. Not just for our partners, but our children as well.

    John often gets frustrated at my poor self image and as Ward said he is insulted that I don't trust or appreciate his opinion. That was hard for me to hear and to be quite honest I didn't really understand how hurtful my self loathing was to him.

    Miss June...you are one of the most beautiful ladies I know and you have so much to offer Ward, the boys, and the world. As I have said before, it may take a lifetime to undo all that others have done and said to you, but it seems that Ward is up for the challenge ;) You are both incredibly blessed to have found one another.

    (((Hugs))) to you both!

    P

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    1. I get frustrated too somtimes, and I know it isn't easier to change over night or to just banish the negativity, but as with anything else worth having, chooseing the positive, seeing beauty and knowing that our partners see the best in us, even when we are not at our best is not easy.

      and indeed we are trueley blessed!

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  6. I so know how you feel June. It is very hard for me to come to terms with getting older. I sometimes look in the mirror and despair. But then, Starman is getting older too, and even with greying hair and a bit of a tummy, I absolutely adore him. So we have to allow ourselves a bit of slack don't we?

    I try to tell myself that we are very lucky to be growing older, greyer, flabbier, more wrinkly - together! Lots of people don't have a special one to spend their lives with. I am what I am. I am what you see. If you don't like me - tough!

    You and Ward sound magnificent June! I love reading your posts - especially as I get both of your points of view! I hope you will write many more!

    Many hugs

    Ami

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    1. June is indeed magnificent Ami Starsong, but as I tell her everyday, I love her just the way she is!

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  7. The whole self image thing is tough! I have struggled with this from time to time. I am reminded, and I also try to remind myself that Rob loves me just as I am. And then I feel very lucky indeed! Thanks for posting such great stuff all of the time June and Ward! I, like everyone else, always appreciate both of your points of view. You give me lots to think about! Thank you! Hugs to you both! :)

    <3 Katie

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    1. It is very tough somtimes! You have a man that loves you just the way you are and ultimatley isn't unconditional love what ti is all about?! We love posting the things that feed people and we love giving both points of view!

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  8. No complaining is one of our new rules. It's hard but does it ever make a difference in my outlook at the end of the day. Words are so powerful.
    Bea

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    1. Words can be Extremley powerful and we must all be mindful of that fact!

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  9. This is a hard one for me too. For me it's less about the media and more about what I've heard my whole life. I know he tells me I'm beautiful all the time, but I struggle with believing it. It seems like the bad stuff is easier to believe, no matter how much we hear of the good stuff. I'm glad you two have each other to work through this.

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    1. Somtimes believing in the light can be very difficult, but lan on your guy and let him show you the love that he has for you.

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  10. I think this is an issue all women struggle with. I use self irony, the problem is that it backfires.
    Self-deprecation seems to be a spankable offence all over blogland, rightly so.
    Ward, your POV as a HoH and Husband is very interesting. Thanks for sharing.
    V.

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    1. Hello and welcome Viola Di Marzo. Self-deprication and negative language are certainly spankable offenses in our house. We love including both Points of View and hope that you find them interesting and helpful!

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  11. As I read the comments, I think two things.. Wow, it's so cool that I am not alone, and how sad... that I am not alone. That so many of us have been told we are unworthy by people who were supposed to love us.

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    1. Hello Dana, and it seems that this is an issue that faces much of society, I would have people see the beauty that is obvious is the beauty that abounds, I hope you take comfort in the love of your man... I would also suggest that those that would write us off or try to make us feel less are bullies, bedwetters and are in fact the ones that are unworthy.

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  12. June and Ward,
    Wow, do I understand and empathize with this issue. I'm a tiny little thing according to the world at large, but when I look in the mirror I often see a short, fat girl. I don't think anyone who knows me would ever believe that I have such thoughts, but I do and it stems from my childhood. That negative introject is so tough to deal with, and it is a lifetime effort - consciously combating it multiple times a day.

    Ward, I love how you recognize the why's of June's issues, and that you proactively address it every time she needs it - and it sounds like, even when she doesn't know that she does. Having a husband who sees you, really sees and appreciates you...well, that's a priceless gift for a wife.

    All men should read this post. I'm so happy for June that she is raising the boys with a father like you living the example with such strong, important ethics and values.

    Elisa Xo

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    1. Thank you for reading Elisa, I hope that men do read this post and understand it's value and intent. This is an issue that many modern people face and I'm trying to change perceptions... Who says that short and plump isn't beautiful, we are all created with design in mind and that makes all of us beautiful!

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  13. What the media shows us and what is inflicted on children in schools is why I wanted to homeschool, but my hubby felt the kids needed public school. I see the way things were for the boys having two and the girls having two and girls have it tough. There judged by the boys at school and the girls. Please remember to tell your daughters how smart and beautiful they are, its tough out there. The comments that can cause damage start very young even k and first grade. Maybe when there older they wont hold some of the pain we do. Hugs

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  14. The media is a nine headed monster Annie, and I can see how tough it is having school aged children. I was not blessed with daughters but we hope to teach our sons to value people for who they are and not to judge based soley on appearances.

    Thanks!

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  15. Happens to me too June! One smart comment about the way I look and I'm done for. I don't know if I'll ever believe about myself what he believes when he looks at me but I'm trying.

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    1. Holy, crow, ladies - So sorry I missed these!

      Oh goodness, Susie, yes - I say something and then hear that sound and see that gaze of scrutiny - and know my goose is cooked. 'You know we do not allow self-deprecation, do you not?' - sigh - yes, Daddy. I'm trying, too. And I'm askeered of mirror therapy - ugh.

      (((hugs)))

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  16. I was directed to this post due to one of my own being quite a bit down on myself. These words were awesome, such a blessing to read; I'm going to send Steven here, too. He DEFINITELY doesn't like the way I see myself, but I think sometimes we're both at a loss as to how to work towards changing that image. Thanks so much for the post!

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    1. Hi, Grace - so sorry for the delay - somehow we missed these comments!

      It amazes me how Daddy sees me, because I don't see it, I do try. I have never, ever had anyone see beauty in me until Ward. You know the old saying - what a shame, you have such a pretty face....ugh. And in childhood? Well she took glee in making sure I knew exactly how unacceptable I was. It's a work in progress. I hope one day to shut down those voices. He will help.

      (((hugs))0

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  17. body image is something I struggle with as well...though no matter what through all the changes of growing older and having children and gaining and losing and gaining...my husband always thinks I am beautiful...and someday I hope to see myself the same way...

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    1. Oh Terpsichore - that's what I hope too. The aging - ugh - I don't feel the way the woman in the mirror looks. I am just young, and sometimes even very small...who is that woman with loose skin? I don't know how he sees different, but I am glad - and I try

      (((hugs)))

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