Monday, March 25, 2013

Asking for Help vs Topping from the Bottom


                                                    



                                               

Today I would like to spend a few min talking about two topics that I feel can have profound effects on  DD/TTWD relationships. Topping from the bottom and asking for the help we need in order to not only function properly, but to feel comfortable in the roles of our dynamics.


Topping from the bottom is more than simply making a suggestion or two during the discourse of expressions of dominance and submission, spanking, maintenance or other activities designed to enhance our relationships, clear the air, maintain or express roles. Topping from the bottom is also emotional manipulation, talking over someone else, being deliberately passive aggressive, emotionally distant and or blatantly disobedient.  Thus defined, it becomes clear that topping from the bottom is a huge negative that cannot be allowed to create distance or emotional unrest.

                                                 

I guess from my own HoH perspective, I find it to be indicative of a lack of attention properly applied and paid to the one that we love the most.  I try very hard to make sure that I give June the attention that she needs in order for her to feel loved, confident and assured.  A cursory glance throughout the DD/TTWD/Spanking  lifestyle and relationship universe confirms that in many instances topping from the bottom occurs in a disrespectful and unhealthy fashion as well as disturbing frequency.

Topping from the bottom in a TTWD/DD relationship is not only disrespectful and rude, but it often times masks real emotions and hides the needs of all of those represented. When the time comes to express my role in our relationship I understand that I must be remain emotionally available, attentive and prepared to receive June's needs. Even when there is a need for correction or stress release, I know that more than just giving her what I wish her to feel, I must use my judgement to ascertain  what will be of the most benefit to not only her, but our relationship as well.

I am sometimes humbled and left in awe of the great gift of trust and responsibility that she places in my hands and I assure you ladies and gentlemen, that none of that is lost on me. I know that it takes a  whole lot of trust for her to be able to believe in me, and my intentions for not just her heart and mind, but to trust that I will give her body what it needs, no matter how difficult that may be to accept or go through. I really am humbled by this responsibility and would pass these values along to other men in the pursuit of  happier, healthier relationships!

                                        


Lets talk about physical application for a few moments... sometimes simply allowing ourselves to feel each other requires us to look where it's dark, where we have trouble, where we struggle. Sometimes the things that we need are difficult and navigating these issues with grace requires strength,  a ear that listens and the kind of deep honesty that doesn't sugar coat things that aren't easy to hear... This one goes both ways, by the way... Sometimes the greatest gift that June has given me has been her honesty... Her honesty when it would have been easier to do less, or to put the paddle down and scoop her up into my arms before she released the negativity and the walls had come down, but as we all know, what is easy and what is right are two different things.

The actual act of spanking always requires thought and action, but when the impact that is needed is more emotional than physical, it pays to consider every action, word, thought and deed. From the implements we use (yes even the ones that we don't like so much) to the positions (you know, the ones that help us feel the most submissive)  has to be thought out with thought and care.  Kind words, a soft touch following intensity, and an obvious display of affection and love are all very much required.  In truth you might say that  physicality is easier than emotion and thought and you would very much be right to say so. The physical expression of dominance and submission is just the active expression of two hearts longing to be in sync, indeed sometimes, a firm hand and rod wielded firmly with compassion and love helps to "Tune up the band" so to speak.



                                                      



I have known June long enough to understand her emotions and the way she expresses them. I try very hard to be attentive to her heart, mind, and body and generally speaking I hope that I do a good job of this. Sometimes though, I know when she has a hard time, that I need to be open to her expressing her need for help.  Help in feeling herself, in feeling me. The need for safety, warmth, and security when perhaps things aren't going well with work, school, the kids or life in general.  These are the times that she ask for help, I keep that door open and allow her to come to me anytime.  I guess the difference lies in intent.  Asking for help, and topping from the bottom differentiate themselves. Asking is proactive, asking is acknowledging that we are indeed not superhuman and that at times we need our partner to reach out, take our hand and lead and that despite what life has taught us, despite what the media portrays that it is in fact okay to do so!

We would encourage everyone to ask for help when they need it... It takes strength, heart and a willingness to acknowledge our own weakness, but there in lies the true strength and beauty of our relationships... To do so is to gain ground, growth and emotional providence in the face of stress, adversity and negativity.

                                                   

I'll end by saying that sometimes the hardest things to do are the ones that help us grow the most as a couple. I know that none of these things are easy, but I solemnly promise that they are worth every ounce of time, effort and self-exploration!

                                                                  
                                            

Her POV:

Before we were us, when we were still 'just friends' I asked Daddy if it was okay to ask for something...to try something, for more if needed, for action when it was needed and none seemed forthcoming, or if that was topping from the bottom. He said that no, he did not see it as topping from the bottom to present a need to your Dominant. You are merely helping him to know you and your needs. And you are not making demands, you are simply presenting him with your needs, which is what you are supposed to do... asking him to meet your needs.

The first time we were together, in the cuddling afterglow, I shared with him that he could spank harder. And he did. He wouldn't have known what I needed if I had not shared, but the application was entirely up to him. It was only providing a tool for him. I have continued to share, and he has learned me. I don't need to make as many requests. Because we have open honest and consistent communication, he is able to read my body language, the tone of my vice and give me what I need.

Had I manipulated, had I not been open and honest in expressing my needs he would not have an honest gauge. Manipulation is insidious, and sometimes too easy to do, and in my opinion comes from fear to open ourselves. If I am afraid to tell him I need something, I may think that if I mope, or cry or sigh that he will interpret that I need something. That doesn't always work, and it is manipulative, manipulating his emotions rather than simply saying, "Love, can you please help me, I feel..." Or even, "I don't know how I feel, but I'm not me, and I need to feel your Dominance. Or I need to feel my place. I need to feel safe and cared for. Please help me." It expresses humility, vulnerability and trust.

I am an emotional girl. I have lots of baggage. I have things I feel that I don't always understand. I often feel less, bad, scared. If I were not always honest with him when I felt that way, if I did not ask for his help to find my way through, is that not breaking one of the most fundamental rules of DD? To withhold my heart and my needs from him would be dishonesty, by design and/or omission. Not healthy, and knowing that there was something there and trying to get his reaction without honest communication? - that's topping from the bottom.

I am grateful that he allows me the honesty to give him my heart and my fears and my needs I submit them to him, and I put my trust in him to lead me through.

31 comments:

  1. Great post!

    I am always thanking my lucky stars that BIKSS shares the same view on this topic. Early on as we were beginning to navigate the cloudy waters of this lifestyle I read a lot about topping from the bottom. It seemed no one has explained it as well as you have.

    BIKSS has always encouraged me to talk to him about my needs, my feelings, my desires, and concerns.

    he feels (as do I) that it is entirely different from "topping from the bottom". It is communicating and that should always be at the top of our things to do.

    Thanks again for sharing!

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    1. Thanks very much, Fondles. It was hard for me, in the beginning. I felt it unsubmissive. It took Daddy's view and gently guidance to see that giving him my need was serving him, was offering another way to take my submission.

      We say it a billion times, all over blogland, don't we? It's really all about communication and honesty. And golly it feels good to hand him something when my heart is tender and heavy, and know that he will do what he thinks will best see me through - he will take care of me.

      Thanks for reading!
      (((hugs)))

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  2. I define topping from the bottom when the submissive has the intent to manipulate the dom into doing something she wants..say for example intentionally disobeying to get a spanking..which is fine..some like the 'brat' element..my Master does not. He will not tolerate it, he prefers my obedience.

    He expects me to ask (yes which isnt always easy). Wanting to talk about needs, desires etc is something that in my mind should always be encouraged.

    x

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    1. Oh gosh, tori, one of the first places I found when I entered FetLife was the 'brat' quarter. And Lord = they made me nervous! I didn't understand why you would be in the kinds of relationships we're in and not just say I need a spanking instead of bratting your way into one. For myself, I would sure rather have a gg, or even a discipline/just because/role affirmation than a correction.

      And it's not always spanking. He has often said - this is what you need right now, love - as he cradles me in his arms, or some other physical expression of his Dominance that allows me to feel small and cared for. Sometimes he's at work and I start spinning, and I text or message him, and he gives me a submission exercise, something physical sometimes, sometimes a writing assignment - but it allows me to feel him. And as he says, what could be more submissive than asking to feel my Dominance?

      (((hugs))0

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  3. This was a great explanation of topping from the bottom as it does seem some use the expression to break off communication when they don't want to here what the bottom has to say. Luckily communication is very important to my Daddy so its not a problem.

    This post also came at a great time for us because we were on a spanking and sexual hiatus for medical reasons and instead of really talking about it one acted out in many little ways over that time. It was frustrating and a little scary to not feel his dominance in a physical way. The missteps were not huge because one just does not misbehave that way but when you added up all the the little things over a period of six weeks,the list was long. When one later learned she will be held accountable for her actions she felt an overwhelming sense of relief even if she is dreading the punishments to come. Talking about this in the beginning and not trying to manipulate the situation would have been so much easier.

    Can't wait to ask my Daddy to read this.

    Hugs
    db

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    1. I'm sorry you've not been feeling yourself, db. I think I would go mad if I could not feel Daddy's Dominance. I think that is why he has worked so hard on finding other ways for me to feel him, to get that headspace, especially because missions and deployments call him away.

      I struggle with it, sometimes, feeling so needy, but he SEES me (think Avatar), and he keeps me honest, gently coaxing out what may stick in my throat. And calming those fears as unfounded.

      I hope you feel better soon, and get your equilibrium back.

      (((hugs)))

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  4. Oh how I have struggled with this. I have said to him, I don't want you to feel like I am still controlling things from here, when I hesitantly open up about things I may need. For me, I believe it is because I know I have to guard against it. Manipulation became a survival tool for me. And well, it's not a nice one.

    It was amazing to see that it is good, it is better to ask for help, to ask for what I need instead of trying to "set up" a situation, or send him on a guessing game. It's really scary and so exciting..

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    1. It is exciting, Dana, not only the being seen, but that someone cares when you have a need and seeks to fill it. I honestly never had that before Ward.

      I think the difference is how we present it. We're not saying I want this - we're saying I need this, I need you, please help me. We still leave it in their hands. I guess there in lies the difference. It is just freeing to be able to ask, and be heard :)

      (((hugs)))

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  5. Another awesome post...you did a beautiful job of explaining the difference between topping from the bottom (manipulation) and explaining your needs (communication). Too many times I think people have an 'ideal' in their head of how an HoH should behave and try to 'guide' the entire interaction...definitely topping from the bottom! ;)

    Thank you so much!

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thanks, Cat :) My Daddy is very smart :) I don't think there is or can be a 'communal ideal" the "ideal" must be crafted within each relationship, each of us have very different needs. And not to beat the horse, but communication is so essential. As we grow, Daddy needs less input, because we have shared, he knows how my shoulders hunch when I feel a certain thing, or how I sigh when I am stressing, or any number of other things, because he notes them and counts on my communication. But when I do that, I just tell him what I feel, what I fear, and I simply ask for help. He knows me well enough - sometimes better than I know myself - to help me in the way that best serves me, and our relationship. It's really kind of awesome :)

      (((hugs)))

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  6. And I think when I worry about "obsessing" now that we are off our break from Dd...this is what I'm talking about. I'm afraid of emotionally manipulating and understanding the difference between asking him for what I need and manipulating. I think I've learned a lot these last few months working on this very thing without practicing Dd....I feel like in the early years of our marriage I manipulated constantly and then we began Dd and it was hard for me to understand the difference. now, I've been working on just serving Z without strings attached...and now since we've picked things back up, it's made a difference HUGELY in how I'm relating to him. Not sure if that makes any sense haha

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    1. That makes perfect sense, Ashley, and it's kind of a great way to isolate or define motivations, I think, service with no expectation of return. But that's the wonderful thing about this lifestyle, service generally engenders service ans sets up a cycle of reciprocity :)

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  7. I didn't even know there was a name for what I do until I read this. Thank you.
    Bea

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    1. You're welcome, Bea:) Sometimes it's hard to recognize the ways we try to maintain a modicum of control. Open, honest communication is always preferable, as well as being mindful of the frame we place it in.

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  8. Good stuff! Subs get so worried about asking, and yet by not asking very often they are simply hiding. Being open and honest about your needs and feelings hard, but it's all part of learning trust, isn't it?

    Sara

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    1. Thanks, Sara. I think that is an important distinction, and one Ward has worked on with me. I thought 'being needy' was a bad thing and would keep those needs in which led to distancing (yup, the insidious 5th D). It may not seem so, but it really is an exercise in trust - it is saying I trust you to take care of my needs.

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  9. Another excellent post, you explain the difference between topping from the bottom and asking. I think it is a huge area of confusion and as Sara said, many of us are afraid to ask for help thinking we are manipulating.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thanks very much, Roz. Daddy does a great job, this is an ongoing process for us. I guess when we withhold needs that are deep enough to cause us to have some kind of reaction in the way we interact, that's when we're in the danger zone :)

      (((hugs)))

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  10. Hi there, thanks to both of you for such a wonderful post, I worried the other day when I asked for a spanking if I was leading but I soon realised that no, he was in charge as he always should be.Love
    jan.xx

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    1. I think that's an important realization, Jan. There's a difference between "I want" and "I need". When we say I need we lay it in his lap (lol, sometimes literally), and trust him to take care of us.

      (((hugs)))

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  11. There's a big difference between communication and manipulation and it's an important distinction, so thanks for addressing it. :)

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    1. There is a very big difference, Grace, though sometimes it's hard to see in the living. It all comes down to having open, honest communication being the best policy :)

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  12. This is a great post. It makes so much sense, and has brought to light a few things I hadn't thought of before. Thanks for sharing you guys!

    Love and hugs,
    TL

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    1. Thanks, TL, glad you found it helpful :)

      (((hugs)))

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  13. This is so darn good! I have the hardest time expressing what I need. You illustrated here so beautifully the differences between topping from the bottom and asking for your needs to be met. I will remember this for some time....

    Thanks guys :)

    ~Lucy

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    1. I found it hard, too, Lucy. I was never used to having my needs met, or even having them be important to anyone. It is hard at first, but it gets easier, and builds trust on both sides :)

      (((hugs)))

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  14. I find it very, very hard to ask for help and feel bad about that sometimes. I hide instead--which I don't think qualifies as topping from the bottom, it sure does not communicate the appropriate level of trust for my husband. Ward--one of the things that you men can do for us women is to watch and know when we are sliding before we start behaving poorly. You clearly do that for June.

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    1. He sure does, Susie, and I'm grateful for that. I don't think hiding is always topping, it is when it causes your behavior to be manipulative rather than clearly communicating. But, in this house at least, hiding is distancing, and Daddy has zero tolerance.

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  15. @Fondles - Communication is always a priority around here!
    @tori - Somtimes commuicating our needs is a difficult task... but it's always worth it.
    @dancingbarez - We are so glad you enjoyed this post and we hope that you and your Daddy get the most out of it!
    @Dana - Sometimes the scary things are the healthiest for us! We hope that you and your guy continue to communicate and grow!
    @Cat - Smiles thank you again for always being a supportive voice! It is my belief that communication beats subversion and manipulation any day!
    @anEnglishRose - It is my dominant/HoH point of view that asking for help is in fact MORE submissive in that it brings us togeather in our roles and encourages the deepest levels of focus and relationship concentration!
    @Roz - Thanks! We felt like this was a topic that could do a lot of people a lot of good!
    @
    @Ashley - Hello and welcome nice to see you here! We believe that DD/TTWD is taylored for talking early and often... It helps us face our fears togeather and discover ourselves in a new way!
    @Bea - Thanks for stopping in, we hope that we have inspired you to talk to your guy and work on asking for help!
    @sara - Somtimes trust is a hard hard thing... but we owe it to our relationship to put our best foot forward and give it our best even when we aren't at our best.
    @Grace - We felt it important to share something that could benefit folk, thanks for reading!
    @TL Bucko - Thanks TL, we love making people think!
    @Lucy Lou - We are glad that it has fostered thought for you! Please share with your guy, see what he thinks!
    @Susie - Hiding our feelings is a dangerous thing and I've learned that I must be diligent, firm, loving, instant, affectionate, loving, honest and HoH-y with June!

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  16. I always enjoy reading your post and this one has hit home more than others and made me see things from a different point of view. Thank you for sharing.

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  17. Thanks so much, Tiffany. So glad that you found it helpful :) That's the best thing about blogland - differeing POVs and talking points.

    (((hugs)))

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