The Well-Balanced Power Exchange Relationship

Those of you familiar with FetLife know that you can view the feeds/activities of your friends, just like Facebook. I came upon an extraordinary piece of writing today, written by my friend, PhyrrImp. This is a well-balanced piece regarding the dynamics of a healthy power exchange relationship. I wanted to share, because regardless of  whether you consider yourself a DD couple, D/lg, D/s or M/s, this is an excellent measure of what you should require of your partner and of yourself. I thank PhyrrImp for her permission to share this. And I hope others find this as helpful and informational as I did.

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The Well-Balanced Power Exchange Relationship

 The Dom

The Protector
The Disciplinarian
The Guide
The Nurturer
The Safe Place
The Dom may critique but never criticizes. To critique is to make better. To criticize is to tear down.
The Dom reaches for perfection but practices unconditional acceptance for himself as much as for his sub.
The Dom understands that trust is the most important aspect of a relationship and does everything to protect and nurture that.
The Dom always acts in the highest good of both. If a decision must be made between the Dom or the sub, the highest good of the sub is paramount.
The Dom may endeavor to break a habit but never to break a spirit.
The Dom cherishes the sub above all else as the most prized possession.
The Dom takes ultimate control, in a situation that has gotten out of control, to protect a sub.
The Dom provides discipline as outlined initially or updated in the definition of the relationship agreed upon by both.
The Dom provides aftercare - without exception - after intense play or discipline.
The Dom guides his sub in areas, where necessary, with the goal of improving the sub in areas initially agreed upon by both.
The Dom nurtures when a sub needs it.
The Dom is the sub’s safe place, the place the sub calls “home.” It is a place where unconditional acceptance and compassion are guaranteed.
The Dom honors the power of the submission with which they have been entrusted.

The sub

The Protected
The Disciplined
The Guided
The Nurtured
The Safe Place
The sub differentiates between critique and criticism, responding positively to critiques by the Dom.
The sub strives for perfection but practices unconditional acceptance when evaluating her performance.
The sub gives her trust responsibly and earns the Dom’s trust as well, understanding that it is the most important aspect of a relationship.
The sub knows the Dom always acts in the highest good of both. The sub must always communicate her needs in a clear and respectful manner so that the Dom has the important information necessary to maintain His responsibility.
The sub may never endeavor to diminish her quality with self-depreciation.
The sub values herself as a most prized possession, prioritizing her health and well-being.
The sub yields control to her Dom without hesitation in situations that have gotten out of control.
The sub understands discipline as an integral part of the power exchange, designed to assist her in achieving the goals initially outlined in the confines of the relationship.
The sub understands aftercare as a vital part of the play and discipline process and gives herself openly to it.
The sub is charged with using good judgment in self-governance with the goal of improving in areas initially agreed upon by both.
The sub asks for, and accepts, nurturing provided by the Dom. She also maintains a self-care routine mutually agreed upon. This self-care routine may include, but is not limited to manicures, pedicures, meditation, time with friends or exercise.
The sub is the Dom’s safe place, the place the Dom calls “home.” Its a place where unconditional acceptance and compassion are guaranteed.
The sub reverently gives her power of submission. If at any time she feels that her submission is not being treated reverently by her Dom she must seriously consider rescinding it.

The Relationship

A good D/s relationship has all the characteristics of a good vanilla relationship. The relationship must meet the needs of both participants, serving to enhance life and never causing misery.
Once you have found someone with whom you are building a power exchange relationship, communication is the key. Discovering who each other is, how you have become that person, where you have traveled from and where you see yourself going are all things pertinent to building this relationship. Communication should be easy - without concern and without trying to be something you are not. Honesty is paramount. There’s no point in pretending to be someone other than who you are. Eventually the truth will come to light and the relationship will fall apart. It is better to be just who you are from the start. Sharing your dreams, goals and aspirations are as necessary in a power exchange relationship as in any relationship.
Establishing the outline of your relationship will be next. Your relationship will have a higher chance of success if you discuss your needs and wants at the beginning. Going into a relationship with unexpressed expectations is a fatal error. Speak honestly about what you expect from a partner. What gives you pleasure? How do you know you are loved? What are you looking for from a power exchange relationship? What do you picture the relationship will look like? What are your hard and soft limits? Safe words? Then listen openly to their expectations as well. Communication is always a two way street.
Once you spend time getting to know each other and discussing the relationship you can relax into the dynamics of the relationship. See how things flow between you. Reevaluate and assess how things are going. Are your needs being met? Does the energy flow between you seem to be easy and reciprocal? Are you giving as much as you are receiving? Even though this is a D/s relationship, the needs and input of a sub are as important to the success as the Dom’s. If there is disappointment then determine if you can redefine some things. It may even be necessary to end the relationship.
If you decide to continue the relationship, under the same parameters or renegotiated ones, the relationship should proceed to develop smoothly. Periodic reevaluation is crucial to ensure that both parties’ needs are met as the relationship develops. Neither party should remain in a relationship that does not serve their highest good.

Written by PhyrrImp and edited by SapientSexual

The gift of dominance

Kitty and I just had this discussion - we chroniclers of life see things and they tick in our brain, and get our thoughts flowing. And that makes it seem like things run in cycles in blogland. Riley recently wrote a post called Dominance is a Gift, too, too (Thanks, Conina!), which got me thinking. We often hear submission is a gift, and indeed it is. But so is Dominance. I luxuriate in his control.It's not one sided. Both give, both receive. It is reciprocity, I talk about it in Honor, and lil talks about it in her beautiful post on Expressions of Dominance.

In any event, I was having a discussion with a DD friend today. And this exchange occurred:
Friend: Awww. Just as I suspected.Your entire emotional well-being and sense of self derive from him?
Me:  my happiness, not my complete well-being  - my sense of self is confirmed in him, he accepts my whole self
Friend: He is truly your soul then.
Me: he is, I cannot be who I am without his acceptance 
Friend: Did you live before him? Or was it like God breathing life into Adam?
Me: I existed before him. Yes, absolutely, he animated me

So the two events conspired to create this post. Yes, I could not be who I am without his accepting my submission. And perhaps my expression of submission allows him to express his dominance in more complete ways. Either way...he has often thanks me for the gift of my submission, and I do not believe that I have thanked him for his gift of dominance.



So to my well-loved Daddy I say...



I have thanked you for loving me, and I always will, every second of every day, for the rest of our lives and beyond. No one – NO ONE – has ever loved me in the way that you do. No one has ever loved me unconditionally. There have been ‘I love you….but’s ...always a reason I was unworthy of being completely loved. It’s not that I don’t trust you, I trust you with my life. I am just so not used to NOT hearing the but. I keep waiting; it never comes. That astounds me. And it takes a little while to stop waiting, but I’m working on it. 

I have not thanked you for your gift of Dominance, for that sure, safe feeling, for that refuge in your arms that comes from your strength, from the sheer force of your presence. Without that gift, I would not be free to express my submission. I would not be free to be who I am at my very core. I blossom, I feel my leaves unfurl in my heart and burst forth with a vibrancy I never thought I would experience. 



I thrive under your hand and with your love, your guidance, and your discipline. I am filled with your strength, your warmth, your nurturing and your light – my goodness – you are a brilliant soul. I am grateful. I am joyous. I am proud to be called yours. 

Thank you for your gift to me, which allows me to express my true self, and to thrive and grow. Thank you for accepting who I am and what I have to offer. 

Insecurity revisited

I did a post a little while ago on insecurity.  I know lots of us have rules about insecurity, putting ourselves down and negative self-image. For a while I thought I understood why that was. Obviously being negative in any measure over any issue is not healthy. It doesn't help us grow. And I thought well, my insecurity was about questioning his taste. 'I wouldn't choose anyone not worthy'.

Lots of times I am occupied with a task, and a thought will drop perfectly formed into the center of my vacant little mind. So there I was, happily (well, not really, but it has to be done...) cleaning the upstairs. As I was on my hands and knees, cleaning woodwork, that perfectly shiny, worked smooth and round little thought, dropped right in the center of my conscious thought (makes you wonder about how my mind works, huh? Join the club, I'm baffled, too!).

It's not anything to do with thinking he'd be offended by my questioning his taste. When I think that I am not enough, when I think that I am not attractive, when I worry that I am not pleasing, I am not doubting my loveability. I am doubting his veracity and his sincerity. I am doubting his love. That looks a whole lot worse than doubting myself.



I love him. I trust him with my life, literally. Yet I miss drawing into myself the truth of his words and the depth of his feeling - 'You are beautiful. You complete me. You make me proud.' and letting them take root.



To my Daddy, I am sorry, dear true love. I did not realize that my doubt which reflects my fear about myself, reflected  a doubt in you that does not exist. You are the one solid thing in my world. You are the one person that I have ever been able to trust. So I will allow those truths of your heart seed and take root in mine. And I will allow my trust and faith in you polish away my doubts in myself.

I am beautiful, because my heart is without guile, and because I reflect the greatest love I have ever experienced. I am enough, because somehow I fill the emptiness in you. Like many things in this life, I don't have to understand it, only to accept that that is the way of it and it sweeps me up in wonder.

Obedience

In 1961 Yale psychologist Stanley Milgram conducted an experiment on obedience. The purpose was to discover what circumstances led people to become complicit in the genocide initiated by Hitler and the Nazi party. His experiment produced results which provided insight into the mechanics of obedience. But it did not address the why of obedience. Obviously in Germany the whys of obedience were pretty straightforward, comply or you , your family, your children suffer the same fate. But in the Milgram experiment there was no ax over the head of the participants who were convinced that they were delivering excruciating series of shocks to other participants. And it left me to question why then comply.

This curiosity probably relates to the curiosity people feel when they wonder why a submissive person submits. But here too I see a large gulf. In the Milgram experiment there was no relation to the experimenter/authority, but the participants deferred to him, especially when he was in closer proximity. This is where I have a difficult time understanding obedience. There is nothing to be gained from obedience, and nothing to be lost in defiance. When the test is over, the relationship is dissolved. We had to write a paper on the experiment, and I had a really hard time to keep from discussing obedience in DD, D/s relationships. I find obedience much easier to understand in that context.

In our relationships we obviously have a relation to our authority. We find a person. We develop a deep trust in that person. We grant that person authority over us. We submit to that person. We are obedient to that person. Why? I can only answer from my perspective, but I'd sure love to hear some feedback from my friends in the community.



First let me say that I do not obey or submit out of fear. If I feared him I would not submit to him. When interacting with other people I am mindful that I represent him. And I conduct myself in ways that can bring him honor. When he makes a rule I am mindful that it was made for my betterment, and for our advancement and growth. When I consider my behavior, I consider what Daddy would find pleasing, whether there is an established rule or not because I know the direction he envisions for us. When we interact, I obey because he is my authority. He will never ask me to do something harmful or diminishing.

Why? Because it is intoxicating to yield to him and to feel his control. Because I enjoy making him proud. Because when I fill him with my submission and my obedience, I am filled by the look in his eyes, the softness of his gaze, the caress of his hand and his voice. I am filled by "You make me proud, little one". I am filled by, "You are my good girl." I am filled by, "You make it easy to be your Daddy." His touch, his words, his gaze, his caress, they are intoxicating to me. I get this sensation that we fondly call 'brain tickles'. I'd bet a lot it has to do with endorphins. He is the only one that can produce that sensation. And it cycles back to increased trust, and increased submission, increased pride, increased closeness.

Losing my submission?

When Ward left one of my greatest fears was that I would lose my submission. I wrote about it in a post right after he left, When Submission Is Hard. I worried than when he was not here that I would lose that focus, that I would become so used to not being led that I would feel resistant to his authority.




It's hard to explain the experience of being submissive. I imagine, like everything else in this life that everything is very individualized, everyone's experience a little different. For me, when he is here, the air is easy in my lungs, I have a level of comfort that is extraordinary, my focus is sharp, all the noise that invades our lives fades away. It's just me, my man, my children, our unit.




I was terrified that when he left I would be swirled up and pulled under. In the post I mentioned above, I said "I feel a bit lost and rudderless...my guide is gone." I have found that, yes, sometimes I am sad and overwhelmed, yes, sometimes I feel that I am drowning. But my guide is not gone. He is in my heart, he is my anchor. While the seas may be rough, and I may be tossed about, I am safe, because he holds me in his heart, and I hold him in mine.

I realized in that post that my service could be expressed by making him proud, by being strong and supportive, and by representing him well. I represent him and his leadership as the head of this family. I know his expectations. I understand his vision and his goals for us and for our family. And even if he is not physically here, I can be what he wishes me to be, I can conduct myself in ways that make myself proud, and make him proud, and further our journey. I can be aware that he is a strong and virtuous man who has provided structure to support us in his absence.

Ward had an unexpected opportunity to call us a few weeks ago. I was sitting here doing school work, and his ringtone came over the phone. I wheeled around and stared at the phone, time seemed to come to a stop. The boys were jumping up and down, "He's calling you! He's calling you!" I answered the phone, head spinning, heart pounding, "Ward?" And a rich, thick, honey-smooth voice said, "Hello, sweetheart."

 And I felt his smile and I felt his warmth, and I felt not one single centimeter of distance. I felt, if possible, closer to this man that I adore. I felt myself fold into him, and it was comfortable. I was home. My fears were unfounded, there is no distance too far, no burden great enough to lessen the love and devotion I feel for him. Losing my submission? Not at all. My desire to please him, and to serve him, and to love him, and to be his soft place to land has not diminished, it has grown exponentially.

For my Daddy, for my love (Poetry)

When the world

is chaffing hard and cold,

I will yield

to your wisdom, will and touch

When you feel

used and objectified

my love and respect

will blanket you

When you are empty

my heart will fill you

from the fountain that

flows within it for you

When you are weary

I will minister to you
hands kneading the ache
from your body,
our bodies transporting us
on the waves of energy
that we create

I will be your
little girl
when you need
to be silly and free

I will be
your woman
when you need
my maturity

I will bend
to your desires and will
without breaking
and give my
strength and flexibility
to fortify us

I love you.

~June~ 3-09-12

How Ward became Daddy

Ward and I had been talking for several months. It was after the deployment I spoke of in the last post. And honestly we were still 'friends' (who talked several hours every day...yeah, yeah, I'm a lil slow) and before we were Ward and June.

We had actually talked about littles. A friend had told me that I had a little, that she saw it. And I immediately rejected that concept. To me that was like a mark of mental illness, I immediately thought DID (dissociative identity disorder). Ward and I talked about it, and he assured me that he didn't see anything alarming in who I was, and did see some childlike qualities. I talked to my therapist about it, and called it my little piece of arrested development. She said she thought it was just a very vulnerable piece of me that I had never trusted anyone with. Well that felt better.

I had talked to Ward about it and he said that seemed a logical conclusion, especially in light of my childhood. So I started researching littles. And It seemed at first that it was all about ageplay and incest play, and that was a big no-no with my childhood. Ward and I talked about that, too. He agreed that he was not interested in ageplay. And it just kind of settled. I still researched, like I do with many things I need to understand. But neither of us considered it a factor in our .... friendship.

One night, we were talking and I had had a particularly stressful day, and he said something very comforting and Ward-like. And I started crying. Ward said, "If I were with you right now, this is where I would take you in my arms, kiss away your tears, calm your heart, tuck you into bed and tell you a fairy tale, especially for you." And even though  he was not there in that exact moment, I felt cradled, and comforted, and I said, without a thought, "Kinda story, Daddy? With princesses and magick?" And he said, "Yes, love, with a very special little princess, and magick and faeries. Hush now and listen."

And he wove me the most wondrous story, off the top of his head, that lulled me, soothed me and gave me the most delicious brain tickles. It wasn't strange, and it wasn't icky, and it felt extraordinarily good. It was organic, and kind of symbolic of our relationship, very amoebic, we stretch to encompass, consume and satisfy the needs of the other.

He says that I awoke a part of him that he thought was gone forever. And with him I can be that which I have never been able to be, small, vulnerable, trusting and unbetrayed and totally genuine.

And now I'm crying.... I love you, Daddy, and I miss you so.