Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Tested

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Pinned ImageThe life of a submissive woman is full of tests. There are the conscious tests that our men present us with to help us learn to bend,  to help us stretch our limits, our horizons, our trust. These come as expectations of deference, expectations of obedience, expectations of grace. We are expected to follow the rules we establish for our relationships. As we all know sometimes just everyday life makes simple compliance a test all in itself. And we are tested to take that moment to compose ourselves and not reply with that knee-jerk snappy response, or eye-roll. There are the tests designed to deepen our submission - those calls or texts, with instructions, so that we can feel ourselves under their hands. There are those deepening tests that call us to make more public displays of our submission, wearing some symbol of his control or our submission in public, be it visible or invisible, it is there and we are acutely aware. There are the tests in discipline, a hated implement, a more vigorous than normal spanking, and our efforts to yield gracefully.




There are the tests we give ourselves, in submitting gracefully,  even when it's hard. We try to be anticipatory in service. We try to provide those things that make home refuge without being asked, to provide extraordinary comfort before he knows what he needs. We test ourselves when given the choice to choose an implement and we choose perhaps not our favorite, but his - or one that presents a challenge to us, because doing so signifies our trust and our desire to give him that. We test ourselves when we sense that he needs to feel our submission and we offer ourselves freely to him. We test ourselves in giving our willing hearts, and our softest demeanor.


And there are the tests that life throws our way. These may be the hardest of all because maybe they shake our men as well - the ones that are our anchors, the ones we lean on, the ones we depend on. And it's disconcerting to see them struggle - we want to think that they have all the answers...right now. What happens when they have career decisions to make? What happens when you are in financial negotiations? What happens when someone else holds the future of your family in their hands? This is where you must put your trust in the hands of your HoH. This is his job to handle the negotiations to the best of his ability and steer the ship in the best direction for your family. It is hard, and when you worry and obsess it is the same as saying you do not have confidence in your man.



I can speak on this with confidence because this is where we have been. I give Ward my deference in all things. It is my place to do so, and I relish the giving. There is talk periodically in blogland about layers. I've spoken before about being dismayed to feel I have given my complete submission, and finding another layer... finding a place of resistance... finding a place where I fail. This is my latest layer. People who administrate the process make promises and drag their heels, change the offerings, put things on the table that would cause our family to be separated. And instead of handing my worries to him, I allow distance to grow... so he cannot see my worry, don't you know.



Except that's not what is happening. I'm not shielding him. I am depriving him of comfort and support. I am not being his soft place to land. He needs to know I am in his corner. He needs to know that I trust him to make the right decision. He needs my confidence in his vision for our family. So my darling, I unclamp my fist, and I put this in your hands. I trust you to lead us. I open my heart and give you the love and the need that fed this fear. I acknowledge that this fear was unfounded, because you will always have this family in the fore of your mind. I submit my fear to you.









Worries are nothing more than little puffs of nothings when we are together, when we love and support each other, when we have each other's backs and the best interest of each other, our relationship and our family at heart.









HIS POV: 

June's trust and faith in me shake me to the very core. The thoughts of an HoH, the thoughts of a future more blessed are heavy and browsome indeed. Practicing and honing the art of deference, submission when it is not an easy thing to do is a crown of light unto June and a wreath of stars around her neck.  She is the apple of my eye and again my greatest blessing. The life I lead is not an easy one and I am not always such a easy man to know. Even on the hard days I recognize the effort that she places in her emotion and reaction to things that aren't always easy to hear or when perhaps fatigue has gotten the better of me.  She is always there, always trying, always deepening her submission and always quenching the rampant thirst of my dominance.

Layers of thoughts, dreams, worries, fears are only natural, especially when the sum of the future is held by a larger entity.  But that's it! In this I have found that with June's love, confidence, submission, deference, input, and energy and my determination, strength, dedication and commitment there is no wrong path... As long as she has my back, and as long as I can show her that I have the best interest of our family in mind. The future brings many questions but one thing that is not in question is our love... it grows bright and hot like a curling flame devouring kindling, it swells like a cresting wave, and quenches like cold water on a hot day. Responsibility is a burden, yes, but one that I bear with joy in my heart and determination to see my family lifted and blessed the best way I can.  I may yet continue in service to this country, I may exit and focus on education and the future while working to provide in many other ways...either way this is for my family, all of us, and I will not falter...

"Oh love! Where you are close, I'd hear the beating of your heart... My ear would hear the soft whispers of your heart... your worries, your dreams, I must demand them... I will take them and I will not fail you. I will guard your heart, as you would guard mine and in our love we will shake the very heavens." ~BTL

38 comments:

  1. I have to say....you always write beautifully, but this post tops everything. I have tears in my eyes...June you passed this test with an A+! You two are what M/s should be all about, you two are what a real relationship should be all about. Thank you for letting us share your journey.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, abby. That's funny you say that, I would never have called anyone Master...ever. Ward and I were talking the other day and I said if you were not my Daddy, I think you would be my Master. I have never felt so connected to a partner.

      (((hugs)))

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  2. As I've said before, you two should be the poster children for DD, M/s or whatever you wish to call it.

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    1. Thanks so much, sunnygirl, you honor us. We're just two very simple people who love each other deeply.

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  3. Love this! I can only hope to be close to this someday! So inspiring.

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    1. Thank you most kindly K. Fox. It takes diligence and work, but it is more than worth it.

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  4. The two of you are a shining example of what the rest of us are striving for.

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    1. I'm humbled Mrs. D. I have been blessed with a marvelous leader.

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  5. I agree with everything above - beautiful Junie!
    I have felt the same way - tested constantly, not by Ian necessarily, but by life. Just last night he came in for a late supper, I hadn't seen him all day - and then told me that he had to go back to work. I was so disappointed that I pouted and then when he asked what was wrong, I snapped at him. Just like that - I lost control of my submission because I felt my time with Ian was threatened.
    I am a fifty year old woman - what am I doing pouting?? Good grief. The truth is that I need him more than I used to - and that gets the better of me.
    But yes, tests are everywhere and this was lovely.
    hugs
    lillie

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    1. That's the worst part, lillie-belle. When I am tested by him I know it has purpose and I know there will be a reward of depth and connection. When it is life testing us....all bets are off.

      Oh, we are twins there! Do not threaten my time with Ward! I can get right! lol. I need him so much I cannot breath sometimes.

      Humble thanks, and (((hugs)))

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  6. This post is timely for me. I told God that I was trusting him to lead my husband and I told Michael that I was trusting him to follow God's lead. Letting go of that fear and worry isn't easy, especially during difficult circumstances or trying times. When the big decisions need to be made, when life throws you a curve ball, well, that's really where the rubber meets the road. It's easy to walk the walk when things are going well, when the sun is shining and all is rosy and bright, but it's more of a challenge when the storm clouds appear, the rain pours down and the road is rocky or when you just can't see the road ahead. Anyway, it's nice to see another couple taking the challenge head on. None of us are perfect and we will all falter, but sticking together and forging ahead is the important thing. (((hugs)))

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    1. I'm glad you found something to lift you, Grace. As you know, I enjoy the concept of reciprocity, and I have been lifted many times by your words.

      I am far from perfect. But I have a wonderful man that leads, and loves, and forgives. I am very blessed. I am also blessed to be surrounded by this wonderful group of wise women (and men...we know you're out there, you're just not as chatty)... my sisters, my friends.

      (((hugs)))

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  7. Love this....really and it's beautiful. You must hand them all those little bits of you...because as when doing a puzzle -- it can't be completed without all the pieces.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. Thank you, mouse. This is so true. I have never been as whole as I am with him, because I hand myself to him and he makes me beautiful.

      (((hugs)))

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  8. Well....so yes.... I needed to read this. Life is throwing many curve balls or way...as you know....and my very first response....was to take over....and try to protect Ryan from hurt. I *thought* that was the right thing to do at the time....and I can see now...how damaging it could have been...if he would not have yanked control back! ;) Sigh....live and learn....I suppose. It is so very hard to watch someone you love hurt....and I am trying my best to find ways to help him....and at the same time....be the kind of wife that he needs me to be.

    Thanks for this June...really....I needed to read this :)

    Love and hugs....

    Lucy

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    1. It's extraordinarily hard to watch someone you love hurt, and be minimalized. And yes, Lucy, it's always live and learn, every single day, I'm afraid...well, no I'm not afraid to say.... if we're not learning, we're stagnating, and that's where most of us came from. It is one of the hardest things for me, but I guess from his perspective, the greater test of faith.... that I trust him to lead us through whatever rough patch is thrown in front of us.

      I'm glad you found something helpful in my musings :)

      (((hugs))) and love :)

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  9. I want what you have. The problem is I don't want to be submissive. I don't want to be given instructions. I don't want to be led. I don't want to be obedient. I want to be free to be me. So I guess my don't wants outweigh my wants and I won't have what you have. I wish I could have it all.

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    1. Welcome, Anonymous,

      It's good that you want that closeness. I don't necessarily think that the fact that you don't wish to be submissive is a problem. This lifestyle is not for everyone, all of us understand that. But I think that if you are your most genuine you, you can have the happiness and closeness you crave.

      We have in our header our core values - our mission statement I guess you could say. We build our relationship on communication, reciprocity, grace and balance. I would tell you, Anonymous, that you don't have to submit to have those things. Every single relationship should have open and easy communication. No relationship can survive if it is one-way. We can always offer grace to our partner, our children, our family and friends. And we can have balance within what we define as our relationship.

      I would not give up on having the kind of relationship Ward and I have. I submit because it is who I am, that doesn't mean that anyone else has to submit to be happy. It is what works for us. You don't have to really give anymore than your heart and your most genuine self.

      Blessings

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    2. June, I thank you so much for your reply. You are so right and you have just helped me more than you will ever know. I will tell you that since I've started reading your blog and others on this DD subject, I have started to treat my husband with more kindness, I have reached out to touch him more frequently just in passing. I don't want to say I ever was disrespectful, but perhaps I was. I am now more aware of how I speak to him and try not to be so short in my responses to him. If I cannot say anything nice or even civil, I just remain quiet. And I have noticed a change in him as well. He touches me more often now, and says nice things that used to not get said too often anymore. After 38 years of marriage, some things tend to fall by the wayside. I will take your advice and give my heart and my most genuine self. Thank you again.

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    3. Thank you for your most kind words, Anonymous. I think the world we live in has a harshness and a brusqueness and it is so very easy to get caught up in that impatience. We forget to be mindful of the people we love and our relationships.

      One of my favorite concepts in this lifestyle is reciprocity. As you are seeing, when you are kinder to him, he is kinder to you, when you go farther to respect him, he goes farther to respect you. It's lovely and soft and sweet.

      Touch is a big thing for me. Have you ever heard of the book The Five Love Languages? My Love language is touch. (you can take the test here & read more about the Five Love Languages - Discover Your Love Language ). Touch can say so much more than a thousand words. It's a way of showing connection and care.

      I think all of the mindful changes you have undertaken will give you the kind of life you want. It is a journey, it's not a destination. Sometimes there will be setbacks, but keep working, you will continue to learn and grow together.

      Blessings, and thank you again for your lovely comment.

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  10. Another beautiful post June. I wish I could say Im at that place, but Im worrying alot these days. Thank God my hubby knows its just who I am he just prays for me and my sons situation. Some problems only God can fix I know this and I will still worry. Im so happy for you that you can give things to Ward like that and not worry I know that I never will be able to go that far at least not with this battle, but that wonderful man of mine will keep the stress to a minimum one way or another. Hugs

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    1. Thank you, Annie. Oh, sweetie, I try, I'm not there yet either myself. That's why this was a struggle. All we can do is try. And I know that you are trying, and that your heart is strong, and that you have someone who loves and guides you. It's dark now, but you'll come out of this stronger. I'm always here to listen when you need an ear.

      (((hugs)))

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  11. very moving.

    Yesterday i was looking forward to my usual monday night time with BIKSS but just before he met me I found out he had to leave early and for ONCE i didn't lash out and get upset or give him a hard time about it.

    I was disappointed. But managed to keep it in so that he wouldn't feel worse about it than he must already be feeling. it's hard. and yet you two inspire me to keep going because the result looks SO WORTH IT!

    My prayers are with you in this particular thing that you have to wait thru. A mentor used to say to me all the time... Sometimes God says Yes... and sometimes He says Wait.

    It's the waiting that I haven't mastered. *hugs* to you both.

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    1. Oh, Fondles, it is a struggle. But it is so worth it. I'm with you on the waiting...it's not my strong suite, lol. I stumble, and I fall, and I fail lots of times, but I figure it out and I come back and try again, with his love and forgiveness to lift me. I thank you for your prayers, and offer my own humble prayers for you.

      You should be very proud, I know that is very hard when you cannot be with the one you love whenever you want. I haven't always done as admirably as you did.

      (((hugs)))

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    1. Thank you for your most kind words, Sara.

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  13. Such a post full of inspiration. And is also timely for me to read. Thank you once again for something I can grab hold of to help me in my own journey.

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    1. Thank you so much, Jacquie.I am glad you found something that gave you some comfort.

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  14. Life does have a tendency to throw curve balls at us doesn't it. June, I do understand your instinct to protect those you love. You are doing wonderful in passing this latest test.

    I've said it before, I come to visit and leave with such a warmth in my heart. You two are awesome!

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. -Sighs - I know, Cat, and me with limited depth perception. I thank you for your kind words. I need to do well, because it's important to give him that. He supports me, he believes in me. I need to give him nothing less.

      I'm glad this is a warm place :)

      (((hugs)))

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  15. This is what real love is all about. Giving our everything and trust to the person we share our life with.
    Thanks.

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    1. Thanks for your sweet words, Minelle. This is the realest (is that a word?) relationship I have ever had. It would not be possible without him.

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  16. This is an amazing post. Makes me think about my own submission, and how much I have to grow. Seems like you are learning to bend with the curve balls, which makes you more flexible, instead of breaking. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thank you, kindly, Mami. We all grow every day, we have to. Growth is intrinsic to our relationships. There is not a day that goes by that we are not stretched and come away with a greater knowledge and understanding of ourselves and of each other. It's a journey.

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  17. I'm feeling tested right now...and not over anything big. Just life and small struggles. So thanks for this June.

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    1. I'm sorry you're struggling, Susie. It's such a difficult thing. Even when the struggles are individually small, together they can be quite great. We don't have to get overwhelmed (so Ward tells me:-P Love you, Daddy), we just have to lean on them.

      If I can help let me know :)

      (((hugs)))

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  18. SO much of this resonates with me June! Especially this month...I feel like I've been faced with many of the tests you describe. Some I've handled better than others lol but I can say that I've learned from them all. ((hugs))

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    1. Hi, Tess, sometimes they seem to abound - sigh - but according to Ward, the most important thing is that we give our best effort. And yes, that's the point I guess, that we learn from them....but .... really, how about a book without the object lesson? lol

      (((hugs)))

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