Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Dirty Laundry



                                                   

 Sometimes we don't agree. Sometimes there is friction.  It would be easy to let the heat of the moment get to us and wind up saying a bunch of things that we would regret.  It is worth understanding that sometimes, it is far better to brake from heated conversation to let tongues and heads cool. If it's one thing that I've learned from being in the spanking lifestyle, the TTWD/DD lifestyle, the D/S lifestyle, whatever version you can think of or use,  losing one's cool during a stressful or difficult situation does not help things a bit and in fact only further adds to the difficulty of the conversation and adds an unsavory amount of negative emotion that then has to be dealt with.
                                                                                                       
                             
               
                                                        





 I have observed other couples who don't seem to care where they are or who their disagreement is heard or seen by. Indeed it seems like in some instances that they would have people choose or pick a side or pat their heads and offer them a lollipop in placation of who was or was not  "right"  Disagreeing with the one you love is never an easy thing, it disrupts the harmony that we long to build. It robs us of a truly independent view and expression of our feelings. Sometimes being honest means being humble and honest about what we truly desire. Sometimes we must truly realize that we must put pride aside and act in interest of our relationship.  Not our interests, not their interests, but the truest and best interest of our relationship - even when it's hard - even when we don't agree. I think there is something to be said for truly respecting our partner, even when we see them at their worst. Sometimes respect means understanding the source and cause of the friction that lies between you and keeping it just there... between you.

                                                 

My grandmother called it "airing dirty laundry" or a "lover's tiff" - whatever it is called it is wrong. Trying to make our partner look like "The Bad Guy" or trying to gain enablers and sympathy from outside parties is clearly the wrong thing to do at any point of a healthy relationship. If we are to grow and become strong we cannot balk at the challenge of productive debate. Sometimes tough decisions have to be made and in so doing we put our relationship in a better place.  Decisions aren't always easy and the HoH has to be able to live with any and all consequences that his decision(s)  create or solve. Naturally this isn't always easy. It's also hard to experience  the domestic harmony that we strive for when disagreements, hard feelings, and miscommunication mar the beauty of our love.


                                                       
                                  
We would encourage you to find a healthy way to express yourself in disagreement. What's easy isn't always what is right and what is needed may be something even different still! HoH's must remember that disagreements are going to happen and are a chance to become stronger through the inclusion of data and ideas. HoH's must also remember that disagreement and rebellion are two different things and that his TiH can still offer her support even when it isn't easy. TiH's should remember and recognize that her man is and must do his very best to make the right decisions and put the relationship on the truest, surest course.

Don't air your dirty laundry folks, take each other's hand and head to the laundry room with communication, love and understanding!



                                                              
                                                                     

Her POV:

One thing that I find hurtful is when people denigrate their partners and seem to find such joy in doing so. Remember the couple we talked about a while back in Walmart? *shudders* They were both lashing out so hurtfully at each other, and it gave a sad and painful picture of what their home must be like.

And again, all roads lead to communication. Why could they not have worked this out at home? Why did they strike out at each other with the deliberate aim to hurt each other? I think it's important here to point out that Daddy used the word disagreement, and that doesn't have to mean a knock down drag out, nor does it mean a lack of respect on either side.

When we value each other, when we respect each other, we don't have to hold the same views. It is possible to say - I respectfully disagree. It is possible to say - I think that's one area we will have to agree to disagree. Our love and mutual respect for each other allows us to accept that we differ, it does not compel him to force me to see his way, it doe snot compel me to withhold affection until he agrees. We gift each other with acceptance of our unique points of view.  We strengthen each other, and our relationship. And we present the harmony we create in our homes to the outside world.

18 comments:

  1. Very well said! We used to argue like that (mainly my fault b/c I don't know when to stop) a lot! I think back and wonder WHY when I love and care about him so much would I act basically like a brat. So happy to have seen the error of my ways :)

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    1. Thank you, Tricia :) I think for me it harkens back to a not very happy childhood. I grew up around fighting all the time, regardless of time or place. I always swore I wouldn't be like that...problem there, I would shut down. With Ward, that's a big no-no. But good communication and respect is as important to him as it is to me. That's not something I had in the past, so I truly and deeply appreciate his efforts there.

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  2. I think the most important word in this is...respect. Respecting each other even when you KNOW they are wrong....This is one I have had to work on, but it has been worth the effort.
    hugs abby

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    1. I'd agree, abby. It is so important to be able to disagree with respect - that's from both parties. Ward shows me as much respect as I show to him.

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  3. Oh Lord guys....sighs....

    I used to be so, so bad about just what you wrote. I have no idea why...or why I thought I had the right. I have done a lot of work to try and be better. I have a ways to go...but it is a process each day! He deserves my respect...and i am doing my best to show it to him daily...

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    1. It's always an ongoing process, and it does take work everyday. You have the most important part down, Lucy, being mindful...and I bet it means the world to him. (((hugs)))

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  4. You stated that so beautifully Ward. I have never understood why people who swear they love someone find it necessary to attack them in public, or private for that matter. I have seen a bit of that on a few blogs and a lot of that in Walmart, Target, the grocery store, etc. Keep the disagreement private and respectful. To do otherwise not only hurts the relationship, but hurts the individuals since it seems the hurtful words are always personal. :(

    June, I am quite a bit like you in that if I get into a disagreement or fight with someone, I withdraw and shut down. The only exception is if my children, family, or friends are denigrated - then I come out fighting. I know, neither way is the best. :( I am trying to change tactics.

    Thank you both for the wonderful post and the beautiful example you set for your community.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Oh yes, Cat, I am mama tiger when you mess with MINE, lol. Ward and I have a joke...Ward is a BIG man, he's 6'4,very fast and agile, and has a massive 4 foot arm-span! (Yes, there is no running and trying to hide - you're just caught before you're outta the gate, lol) Remember the foghorn Leghorn cartoon with the little chicken hawk, Henry? Where he gets his tail feathers all in a knot and Foghorn puts his hand on Henry's head and Henry just keeps marching and swinging? That's Ward and me when someone goes after my family, lol.

      (((hugs)))

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  5. Another great post guys! Having respect for each others views, listening to each other fully and hearing them are all so important.

    I've had friends that would constantly argue in front of guests and, yes, she would try and garner support from the room. It was just horrible and uncomfortable to witness. I've also had friends who would tell me about disagreements with their partner and ask me who I thought was in the 'wrong'.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Oh, gosh, Roz, I've had that happen too - either just asking an opinion of a situation or relationship questions where they expect because I'm their friend I'll just pat them on the head. They get my 'famous' June-ism...do you want to know what I think or do you want me to keep quiet, because I won't lie to you.

      (((hugs)))

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  6. Even before beginning ttwd, I never aired dirty laundry like this. It was very rare for me to say anything at all bad about my husband. I didn't even like to discuss our problems or issues with my family. He told his parents something that happened once and I flipped out! He didn't understand why it was a big deal, he does now.

    My family is not his family. They don't love him like I do. Just like while his family loves me, it's not like he loves me. They won't forgive like he will. And vice-versa.

    And I would never argue like that in public! Omg!!

    Perfect post. :)

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    1. I'm the same way,elle. I believe in being supportive. It's our job - our obligation to lift our partner up,not tear them down.

      Words are easy to utter, but once out there, can not be taken back. They can be forgiven, never forgotten, and the hurt can remain. So much better to be mindful and realize temporary upsets are just that - temporary. That's something we try to impress on the boys all the time.

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  7. Truer words were never spoken, my friend. Ian's brother and his wife do this ALL the time. I actually dislike going to their home when I know that they will both be there. They sit their victim in the middle of the kitchen table, they at each end - they both proceed to tell their side of the story simultaneously while trying desperately to get the listener to make some acknowledgement of their point. It is miserable. These people have raised four children - I can't imagine what their model for marriage looks like ..... no wait - sadly I can.
    Since beginning dd, it is so much more apparent. Ian has bemoaned the sil's need for a spanking (or number of them) several times. Not that she doesn't have a point, in some ways, but they need a leader in their relationship and an effective way of resolving conflict.
    Excellent post - I wish to heaven I could have them both read it.
    hugs
    lillie

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    1. Oh, gosh, LillieBelle - I'd have to leave..... in fact I have. IO grew up watching the womb donor denigrating my father the very few times he was there, and her endless string of boyfriends. After I left and for the small amount of time that I did visit trying to make something of a relationship- I watched her do it to my step-father. Once, she literally made him kiss her butt in front of me & a cousin! Exit JunieBug stage right - *shudders*.

      Ya reckon that has something to do with why I am the way I am?

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  8. Ugh. There's nothing worse than being put in the middle of an argument like that, with both people wanting you to choose their side. Okay, okay, so there really are worse things, parents who do that to their kids for instance. I tend to be a peacemaker and I used to try to act as such in these instance, but I quickly learned that in most cases that's not what either party is actually looking for. They're not interested in peace, they want to feel justified, they want to be right. I suppose we all want to feel heard and validated, but at the risk of what, the relationship? No thanks.

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    1. Oh Grace, that breaks my heart when you see parents doing that to children - makes you want to snatch them up & run! I'm a peacemaker, too, I can see both sides...or at least try to. I don't understand resistance to peace either. So much better to have harmony that being right - that's pretty hollow when your relationship is shallow or non-existent. I'm with you, Grace - no thanks!

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  9. I'm 100% with you on that one. Sometimes there is laundry to be done but it's not fair to anyone to do it in public. In fact, usually if there's one partner trying to make the other look bad, it's that first one who looks bad in my eyes. There's a time and a place for everything. Public isn't generally it.

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    1. I'm with you there, Riley. I guess some people are excited by that - our reality show society - but it is literally painful to me to see.

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