Thursday, January 24, 2013

Commitment



                                                                  
                                                  
                                               

I want to talk about commitment.  It's a word that I fear that some would take too lightly.  Real commitment whether that is to a task, a job, or to others speaks volumes about one's character and leaves an impression that will not easily be forgotten. Commitment is also easier said than given, especially in a world that increasingly caters to the "easy" or  "instant gratification" crowd. Commitment tests our patience, our willingness to set aside our own ego, our own desires and reveals the true measure and depth of a person's character.  Some ten years or so ago, when I was a much younger man, I  put my hand on God's word and I took an oath... I made a big commitment at a time when perhaps I didn't understand what real commitment was about.

                                                                               
                                                                                                                  

Oh aye, the military definitely influenced the way I speak, the way I think, the way I behave (even now).  Suddenly a young man apart, far away from everything and everyone he ever knew was  thrust into a new and more expectant world that demanded results and expected performance.  Commitment meant not only following orders, and drastically altering my appearance, or getting up at 0-dark hundred, which occurs half an hour before 0-dark thirty.  It was a new lifestyle, a new role and a new ideology.

Then came stress... I can't and in some cases won't go into specifics, but suffice to say that I've been through some things that made me doubt my place in my life, my relationships prior to June, everything. Some time ago I had the fortune to be introduced to and learn so much from a very good friend, whose influence inspired my own personal take on DD/TTWD and the wisdom and growth that individuals and couples can experience. 


                                                                                                          


                                                   

With June, I have been committed from the beginning. Committed to my job as her Husband, her protector, her leader, her lover, her best friend. Being committed on these particular terms is a labor of love and a true conduit for the reciprocity that we present to each other daily. Even when it isn't easy or fun or one of us isn't at our best showing, and displaying the grace and direction of dedication, commitment inspires and causes us to appreciate each other and what we see as important to our relationship and to each other. Sometimes being committed means taking time to connect to June or the boys when I am dead tired or looking forward to something else... but if a HoH isn't dedicated to his family and their needs, what's the point?  I realize that sometimes being a good HoH for my darling and being a good example for our boys means showing them that commitment means



                                                



                                                                   
                                                    

- Being a provider
- Completing the tasks that you have been given, even and especially when we find them distasteful or difficult
- That when you start something, you finish it
-  A real man and a real woman don't fold up like a two-dollar lawn chair when things don't go their way or real life sneaks up on them
- Doing a job that you don't enjoy, is difficult or exhausting to provide your family with their needs and some of the stuff they want, is indeed honorable.

I also have to be a steady and sure example for June and more than just tell her, show her the kind of committed solidarity that neither of us had before each other... I show her by

- Listening
- Giving her my full and undivided attention
- Following through with what I say
- Granting her access to my mind and body even when I ache
- Doing my best for us and each other every single day.

Commitment and DD/TTWD go hand in hand and it is easy to see how any kind of relationship benefits and grows with the careful and thoughtful application of  consistency and commitment. When you are tired, when you are achy, when you just want a moment to yourself, take a second and think. Show your partner your best, even when they are at their worst... Commitment makes us and our stronger for the effort!




                                                 

Her POV:

I have long been dismayed by our disposable society. When things become  inconvenient we give them away, children, pets, the ill, the elderly. We shouldn't have to try harder, evaluate ourselves, extend ourselves, find a way through.This society teaches us to find our way around, to find our way out.

I have always poured all that I had into every relationship, from the very first. Beaten and broken I was offered a way out of the womb donor's house, and replied that I could not, she needed me. Relationship after relationship would find me unhappy, talking to my partner, not getting what I needed and resolving I would double my efforts, be more, do more, love harder.... had to be me, right? Partners out of work, me working four jobs seven days a week, working 16 - sometimes 20 hours a day to get us through. Them, bored, you're always working, you never have time, going out with friends, friends become lovers.When did any of that become okay? When did it become  okay to walkaway from your children because the new girlfriend is much more fascinating? Or stop having them over because the girlfriend treats them poorly.

I'm not perfect, never have been, never will be, never claimed to be, not even close. When I give you my word I will pour my blood, sweat and honest intent into upholding my commitment. When did commitment become an option? When I pledged to love and protect my children, I meant ... mean still, that I will protect them with my life. When I pledged myself and my love to Ward, I meant and reaffirm every day, in every single thought, word, and deed... that I will give him my all, my purest, fiercest, undying, ever-growing love, my deference, my obeisance, my support, my fullest effort, my devotion, the full measure of perfectly imperfect me ...when the sun is shining, when it's warm, when it's easy, and even when I'm tired, even when I am bone weary, even when my heart and mind, and body and soul ache.

This time around, though, it is returned, and that is warm, and comforting ... even on the hardest of days....it gives me strength... it elevates me and makes me better.

Once again, my love, I commit myself to you and to our family. I commit my heart, my mind, my body, my soul, my love and devotion, my obedience, my submission to you. It honors me that you accept. I love you.




23 comments:

  1. Ian and I share that sentiment, and don't understand why things have become so disposable in our society. It is alarming.
    Ian is my leader where commitment is concerned, at times when I am willing to give up on something, he never will - his Mum told me when we were engaged, "he is a sticker, that one" meaning her son. And he is.
    Just like our recent melt down with dd, and my problems with peri-menopause, he just takes it all in stride and tackles the problem - all by himself, if that is what it takes.
    I think that is a real man.
    Thank God for my husband.
    hugs
    lillie

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    1. It is infinitely comforting to me that Ward does the same thing, lillie. That he will take charge, and he will keep me from spinning out into the stratosphere. I have come from a life of being disposable, and it takes my breath away that this man holds onto me, with the gentlest of hands, for dear life. He won't let me get lost.

      I agree, that is a REAL man. How very lucky are we?

      (((hugs)))

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  2. Another wonderful and though-provoking post Ward. To me, commitment goes hand in hand with hard work, perseverance, and dedication which the 'instant gratification' crowd does not understand. I'm with you June, the disposability of people really bothers me...I could write a book. Ok, rant...but I won't hijack your blog. ;)

    As always, you two and your relationship really represent a shining example of your post. Thank you.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Rant all you like, Cat:) And it's not hijacking, it's discussing! I think not enough people consider that disposability, or what it means... at least I hope not, I'd hate to think it was deliberate.

      Thanks, Cat, we're just us, and we love each other and our family fierce :)

      (((hugs)))

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  3. I cried reading this tonight. My son who went blind three years ago wants to die.Severe depression and now drug use is making him spiral out of control. Its so hard to watch someone that you love so much go thru such a hard time. My extended family thinks i should put him in a hospital and walk away. Never, I made a commitment to my child and I will never just walk away. I just wanted you to know how much this post touch my soul, just perfect timing. Tomorrows a new day and a new day to try again. Thanks for everything and for the words that reminded me that i can be strong for both of us untill he is strong enough again to stand on his own. Hugs

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    1. A big warm hug to you, Annie and a prayer for your son. Things will get better, sometimes it is darkest before the dawn.
      lillie

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    2. Hi, Annie, I'm sorry that you're going through this with your son. It's incredibly hard to watch your children struggle. Your son is very lucky to have you on his side. Your family likely does not understand how much he is struggling emotionally and that his drug use is him trying to self-medicate that pain away. You're not alone, sweetie. You've got us, anytime you need to vent just message me or email.

      I checked for an email address for you, but didn't see one, so I hope you don't mind my putting this here. There are some places that can offer emotional support to your son,from people experienced with the special challenges of sight loss. There are also support groups for you, to give you the tools you need to help him.

      http://www.visionaware.org/section.aspx?FolderID=7&SectionID=141 - this offers some info and links

      http://www.afb.org/default.aspx - this has tons of information and can connect you with support services in your area.

      great big (((hugs))), Annie.

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    3. Thanks so much he is seeing a doctor twice a week and going to the center of the blind. We thought he was doing very well and just found out last night he was doing serious drugs his roomate called and told me she thought he od. Im sorry I bothered you with all thi. Its just Your post was there at a time that i thought I was going to lose it, and my hubby wasnt home yet. That commitment post came at a time when I needed to be reminded to be strong, even though I cant tell you how weak I felt. Since meeting the man of my dreams I had let go of that girl who didnt think very much of herself and let men take her power away, and that weekness. My husband taught me what a great women I always was even though Mom tried to always teach me that i was less than enough. Im sorry Im rambling but, I do think I need to talk to someone u are right on that I havent talked to anyone since he went blind xms morning. Thanks so much and I hope you and Ward know that I appreciate both of you for your words, not just on ttwd but on life. I have always told my kids sometimes you can change a persons life just by a smile or a word and sometimes you can save a life. Hugs Also thanks so much lillie for the prayers we could use them all.zhugs

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    4. Sweetie, don't you ever apologize for needing to talk. There is that little blurb above our comment box and it says - thanks for being part of our chosen family. We mean that. Every single one of you is my sister. When one of you has a bad day, or puts something up that is uncharacteristic, I get worried. When one of you are sad, I want to help. When one of you sounds like you need a male POV, I nudge Daddy and ask him to visit. You can always come here and talk. And like I said, our mailbox and messenger are open as well.

      So no worries, okay? We're committed to our friends and family, too!

      (((hugs)))

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  4. Commitment is something we strive to instill in our children. If you join a sport and don't like it, then, once the season is over, you never have to do it again. However, we teach them that they have made a commitment to their team mates that they will show up to every practice and do their very best. We expect nothing less of ourselves.

    Even before ttwd John and I were committed to one another. We both made some terrible mistakes in our relationship, but somehow when my commit waned...his was strong and vice versa.

    TTWD is no different for us. It encompasses every part of our lives and if it is to bring about the lasting change in us that we desire, requires our commitment to it and each other.

    We are not perfect and never will be, but we are committed to being the best spouse we can be, the best parents we can be.

    Another great post Ward and June. It provides much food for thought.

    Hugs

    P

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  5. Strong sentiments, Ward and June, wonderful post.

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  6. I really likes this and couldnt agree more, part of commitment is realising and accepting that life, relationships etc are not always going to be easy and you have to work together, have faith in each other.

    x

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    1. Oh, exactly, tori! That's an important point, it's not easy. But nothing worth having is. So when it takes effort, people want to move onto the next thing. I guess that's the 'grass is greener' syndrome. It takes effort, every single day, it takes being mindful and kind. All in all, I'm really glad we are who we are.

      (((hugs)))

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  7. I couldn't agree more with this. Relationships take work, commitment and dedication to flourish. Another wonderful post, thank you.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thanks, Roz :) They take tons of work, sometimes more than others, but nothing is worth more in this world than a robust, healthy relationship.

      (((hugs)))

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  8. I'm utterly dismayed at our throw away society at times. We put folks away or designate them to groups where we don't have to deal with them. It all screams of a lack of commitment.

    I suppose all we can do is choose differently and then be an example. You two are doing that and you have two boys who will become men who really understand it.

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    1. I'm with you, Susie. I suppose yes, we can make small changes, but the bigger changes will come from our children, the ripples from the pebbles we cast :)

      I am proud of our sons. We had a home visit from our youngest's teacher lat night. She said he was a delightful child, very intelligent, very helpful, very polite, very responsible, very kind,considerate and compassionate to his classmates, and she was so pleased to have the experience of having him in her class. How proud were we? I'll be most honored to share our men with the world.

      (((hugs)))

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  9. Commitment...such an old fashioned work...it really needs to make a comeback in today's society. Is it easy...of course not always. Worth it though!
    hugs abby

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    1. Mmmm, that's interesting, abby, it is rather old-fashioned, isn't it? But so are some of my favorite words that this dynamic evokes, reciprocity and grace. Definitely not easy, most definitely worth it!

      (((hugs)))

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  10. Indeed commitment is something that is so foreign for so many. With so many aspects of our lives. Now it's hard to find the balance between walking away from a relationship that truly isn't working and being committed. With the divorce rate over 50% it is disturbing how disposable marriage can be. That said, I am NOT a proponent of staying in a love-less marriage, with showing your children a relationship where there is no respect and no passion.

    I believe in giving my word and meaning it. In standing by my family and friends and giving it my ALL. I am loyal to a fault, often.

    Thanks for bringing up a topic that is so important and so rarely touched on. And by the way, I love your new background!

    hugs,
    fiona

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    1. Hi fiona, glad you like it :)

      The statistics on divorce are staggering. I know we preach this all over blogland, but you have to wonder who much communication has ever gone on, before and during the relationship, and how much respect exists within.

      I am the sam, loyal to a fault, but I'd rather be that way than not.

      (((hugs)))

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  11. @ians mrs - commitment and determination are beautiful things and so very vital in our lives!
    @Cat - Thanks Cat! We certainly believe that Hard Work, Dedication and Effort are vital to keeping our relationship where it needs to be
    @Annie - Words fail, just know that we have prayed for you extensivley and are proud to see such a dedicated and committed mom, and person and you are a true inspiration.
    @Pocahontas - We whole heartedly agree and would suggest that you and John are a wonderful example for other families!
    @Bleuame - Thanks for reading!
    @Roz - It does require work, but it's always, always worth it!
    @Susie - The "disposable" society thing is definatly one of the major annoyances I have with the modern age, hard work, effort, honor, chivalry never go out of style, especially in our relationships.
    @SirQsmlb - Thanks for reading and commenting we believe it is a subject that is the fondation of growth and love!
    @abby - We concur! thanks for reading!

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We love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for being part of our chosen family!