Exploring traditional male-led, DD, D/s relationships in a modern world. We believe in building on and within our core values of communication, reciprocity, grace and balance.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Things I struggle with (HoH Edtion)
I'm not a perfect person... no there are many things I wish that I didn't do. In this most beautiful journey I have learned so very much, not just about June and her needs, but my own as well. I have discovered that there is much more to me than even I would have dared to guess. June has been, and continues to be my greatest inspiration, my greatest blessing and the greatest gift the Lord has ever seen fit to grace me with. She makes me want to be a better man, and sometimes this leads me to take examine my heart of hearts and perform the sometimes difficult task of working on some of the things that I struggle with. I'd love to be able to say that I've handled everything with grace, dignity and an unselfish heart. Sadly, this has not always been so. I have had to learn that being the head of home comes with a lot of responsibility and to fall short in this responsibility is to fail his family.
I guess it doesn't exactly make me unique or shocking, but I worry about being the best dad I can be for our children. I'm sure that you recall June mentioning that our children are in fact special needs and this can be a challenge in the best of times. They are beautiful, loud, boisterous, active and engaging boys... I am loathe to admit it, but sometimes after work I find them challenging. Sometimes all I want to do is come in give June a kiss and a hug, sit down and watch Sportscenter.
I have learned that being a good dad means taking time to listen, and to be involved in a child's education. When I came into June's life, I knew that I needed to make a positive impact on the life of these two beautiful boys, they were hungry for male energy, they needed discipline, love and the encouragement of seeing a happy, healthy relationship. I hope that one day they can say that I've done a good job of raising them into good men who are productive members of our society. I worry that sometimes I am too stern with them, and that I push them a little hard, but at the end of a long day seeing their smiling faces lifts my heart.
June's love and affection have changed me for the better and as stated previously, she makes me want to be a better man for her. I recall the times when I could have used better words, or found a way to be more supportive, and I cringe at my rapidity and my lack of sensitivity. I want to be the man the Lord would have me be for her. To lead a family, to be a good father, a good husband is not enough... I want to be the best I can be for them and I hope that I grow to be a better leader and a better example. The love of family is a sweet, spicy drug that I am addicted to... it's sultry essence flows through me and inspires my deepest heart.
Discipline in this community often times has a negative or corrective connotation, but for us it is not always so. For us discipline is a choice, it is bond, it is that which draws us together, what helps us overcome our greatest obstacles and ensures we stay on a path that speaks to our love as a couple and family. Sometimes this means recognizing the subtle signs of her stress at the end of the work day. Sometimes it means her taking my hand and giving me the chance to shake off bad emotions before they can creep into our happy home. Sometimes, knowledge doesn't make things any easier does it? Knowing what one needs or what one needs to do doesn't always make things any easier or fun.... but that's the beauty of it. Seeing her smile, seeing that radiance... She's my reason and her love inspires even when task seems long at days end. She also knows me, she knows my heart and she knows that sometimes, stress can get the better of me. Thankfully she doesn't let that happen any more than I do... many times she has put the hairbrush in my hand and lain across my lap, somehow knowing what I needed before I did.
I know that I don't deserve any of this, my family is a gift, the highest act of grace from the Lord above and even when I struggle, even when I don't handle things well their love humbles and blesses me. Even through stress and doubt and the scars of the past I continue to learn as much as I teach.It is an honor to be a teacher, a protector, a provider, to the finest woman in this land, and the two best kids anyone could ever ask for. It isn't always an easy job, but in it I find my finest hours and my deepest blessings
I think that my Man is much too hard on himself. But I think that that is part of the magic that keeps us each serving the other. I am grateful for the things that he brings to us, and I completely understand wanting to be the best that he can be...I also want to be the best that I can be for him and for our family. He was not used to children. He was used to grown men who were pretty much unquestioningly obedient... and me, who is the same, lol. He had expressed this concern to me, so we worked out a system. I will not correct him in front of the children. I believe in presenting a united front. If he kind of starts shifting to the Navy Boot Camp kind of child-rearing method, I simply lay a hand on his arm, and he dials back. I think that's pretty awesome.
He has also changed me for the better. He has made me stronger. He has made me a better, more confident mother. He has made me happier. My therapist remarked on what a difference from when I started therapy to now, and going back over the charts and her notes and things, the change started when Ward entered our lives. The deeper we fell, the better things got. For the first time in my life, I know that someone truly loves me just because I exist, that he has my back. He provides me with love, safety, security, structure, support...simple things that I am only enjoying for the first time in my life.
I have seen both of us blossom with joy. Neither of us was a very...relaxed or humor-filled person before. Now we love to laugh. We find humor in small things. And it is amazingly freeing to collapse into giggle fits, both of us with tears running out of our eyes. Our children love to watch, they love to participate, and they love to tease us. Our youngest things it's amazing to see us kiss. He gets the wryest look on his face, a big grin and says, "I guess you're gonna kiss now!", or "AGAIN?!" Yup! lol!
Discipline, as Ward says, is an integral part of our journey, of our dynamic. We don't see it as a negative ... we don't even see correction as a negative, frankly, as it serves to restore order and equilibrium and to clear the air. We view discipline as essential to maintaining an even keel, to keeping our roles well defined, to keeping the need to serve each other at the fore of our minds. If I need his help with stress, he gives it willingly, and it is his choice if this comes in the form of pleasure, or simply cuddling, or discipline. I do seem to interpret his signals equally as well, and I will offer whatever comfort he needs, be it a massage, some gentle caressing and cuddling, or offering him my bottom. I am his woman, I am his little girl, I am his submissive, I am his to use as he needs, his to use as he sees fit.
I am by no means perfect. But somehow I am perfect for him. I fill the needs that have left him empty for a lot of his life. And he - he completes me in ways I never thought possible. No, he may not be perfect. But he IS perfect for me. He is everything I have ever dreamed of and thought out of reach. He is love and healing and learning. He's mine. And I thank God every moment of every day for him.