Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Communication and asking for what we need


Like many men, I don't like to talk a lot..... Also like many men I don't like asking for help or directions when I feel that I should be able to navigate the challenges of life and the privileges of being an HoH with grace and honor.  If I have learned anything and could pass anything along to my fellow HoH's and even ladies in the DD universe, I'd tell them that sometimes it takes a big man (or woman) to ask for the help they need.

Being stubborn only adds to the distinct possibility of a breakdown in abundantly clear communication, which as I am sure you are all aware is the tangible root of many problems in a relationship.


I fondly recall roadtrips when I was a child.  It's almost a stereotype, but I remember my father cursing under his breath with my mom trying to read a map upside down and emploring him to stop at the next gas station and just ask for directions.  It is my view that sometimes, the best thing a guy or gal can do for the relationship is to put their pride aside and do right, by not just their partner, not just themself, but the relationship.  Communication must be a constant and thoughtful process that considers the long term effects of the decision making process. Just as stone makes ripples in a quiet pool, so are the ramifcations of our decisions.

 Again as a man, and in particular a relatively manly man, I take pride in being big and physical and I also take pride in my brain and the benefit of a good education. Between those two things, sometimes it falls on me to recognize when I am letting my ego get in the way of being an effective leader. June and I share a partnership and I definitely realize that she is in fact better at some things than I am and vice-versa. Despite a somewhat natural competitive streak and perhaps something of a dominance thing (yeah I know, gasp right?!), I've learned that our relationship functions best when I make the kind of decisions that bolstor unity, teamwork, and togetherness.


 Somtimes, negativity and stress can also get in the way of proper communication. I've had to learn to leave the world at the door before crossing the threshold, and even when it isn't possible for me to do so. I know that I can count on June to be there for me and to help me get me where I need to be. I have also found that it was extremley good for me to learn to turn to her and ask her to listen, to be there for me and to give me that which gets me what I need. It's gotten to the point where we are very good at reading each other and in fact are quick to give the other what they need before the other has to ask. Whether that be a place to vent, a word of encouragement, a cuddle session on the couch, passionate love making or a good otk session... We have both learned that asking can be a wonderful thing.


It isn't an overnight process, nor is it one that we can afford to rush or take lightly. June and I feel that though it may not always have been the easy thing to do, learning to ask for the help we need to thrive in our relationship is one of the best things we could do for our communication process and our relationship. We would encourage everyone to explore the benefits of  an "ask early, ask often" relationship.

Her POV:

I have been blessed in more ways than one with Ward....more like a hundred thousand. We have an uncommon understanding of each other. Sometimes it is hard to ask for what we need. I am blessed in that no matter how I ask, he understands. If I use my words, obviously he understands, even if I am unable to articulate the why, if I just express the need, he understands. Sometimes it is my behavior, if I am restless or hyper-critical of myself or my efforts, he pulls me in, talks, observes, and uses his understanding of me to evaluate what I need from him. Sometimes it is wordless. Sometimes I will just climb onto his lap, bury my face against his neck, or lay across his lap, and with love and dedication, he will give me what it is that I need most.

Daddy does talk a good bit. He does not easily share his troubles. I try to gently remind him that that is what I am there for, that we are partners, and that he is not in this alone. It has taken some gentle and persistent effort, but he has gone from coming back to me the next day, to a few hours later, to sharing more immediately. My remedies for him? Much the same, but the healing energy comes from me instead of to me. I will sit on his lap and minister to him, or read his stoic, 'clean' responses and coax the words from him, or hand him the hairbrush and lay across his lap.

I will be quick to tell you that Ward has a concrete sense of self, he IS a manly man (he makes me melt!), but he is also the most genuinely open, least ego-driven men I have ever known. Every decision he makes has always had the welfare of this family, our children and myself at the very heart. And as I write this something occurs to me....

I'm sure you have noticed a few seemingly painfully introspective posts from Ward. And like a bolt from the blue, I gained an understanding...Daddy is in negotiations regarding his career...he asked for my input last night, and I gave it, and clarified it this morning....and I told him I support him in whatever he chooses to do, and that I know he will make the right decision for our family, and just to wait till they present it in writing, so they can't renege on the promises made, as they have before. So if you will all forgive me, I finished my last shift, and am finishing my POV, as he requested...and right now, my Daddy needs me to sit on his lap and wrap my arms around him, tell him that I love him and trust him and his leadership, and coax the heaviness from his heart.


  1. Ward has made some very important observations here. Ego can be a terrible thing and putting it aside at times is hard but prodeces some great benefits.

    It is nice how much you two lean on each other, it just makes me smile.

  2. An important post I think. Makes one look inside themselves and really think on what they find in there, and how it serves to motivate us. :)

    Career decisions suck, to be frank. I hope he finds it easier to make the decision once everything is in writing and easily made sense of. Until then...Lots of snuggles and comfort and love. No matter what happens it will all work out just as it should, and you guys will be exactly where you are meant to be. <3 Together, even if physically apart sometimes. <3

  3. Great post as always and its not always easy to ask for what you need, but Im finding it easier. Being the one who has always taken care of everything its very new to let go and let my husband take care of things. Career decisions are very hard. Im going thru it right now. Im being laid off from my job Dec. 21 and not sure where Im going, but for some strange reason I think its a positive change. Will see where God brings me to now. Good luck with your decision and I hope it brings you both to a new and happy place. Dear June also thank you for your note on the last post. Your words are very uplifting. And isnt it a wonderful thing everyday when we see our husbands at the end of the day and we still want to melt. Talk about being blessed. Have fun and thank you

  4. I really enjoy reading Communication style articles and posts. And this one is excellent!
    Thank you for sharing :)

  5. Hope everything works out for the best.

  6. You hit a hard one for me Ward. Asking for help is something I have a very hard time doing. I was doing better with Matthew's help but once he was gone, I've backslid something terrible. You have given me a lot to think about. Thank you. Hope everything works out on your job the way you hope.

    June - your love for Ward shines through so bright and is so heartwarming. You have one of the most loving and giving hearts!


  7. Excellent post, thank you for sharing. communicating needs and asking for what we want is very hard to do. It is something we are getting better at. Our communication is so much better since ttwd.

    Your amazing love for each other shines through in every post, it's wonderful and heartwarming to see.

    I hope everything works out job wise the way you want it to Ward.


  8. Hi Guys :)

    Well, first and foremost, I hope everything works out the way that you want it to...truly.

    Secondly, I am horrible at asking for what I need/want. Sigh.... Baby steps I suppose. I love your blog so much, and admire your openness.


  9. @ dancingbarez - Thank you! We have learned to be the source of each others strength
    @ HisLilAngel - I thought it was a timley post, and I'm sure no matter what happens, we will keep you guys posted!
    @ Annie - As with many things, if it where easy, it wouldn't be worth doing! Hope it all shakes out just right for you guys too!
    @ MrBBSpanker - Glad you enjoyed! Thanks!
    @ Sunnygirl - We are confident that it will, thanks!
    @ Cat - It is one that both of us continue to work on to this day! I can definatly understand how you feel!
    @ Roz - Improving the communicative process is what it is all about, growing and learning togeather rocks!
    @ Lucy Lou - Baby steps indeed! You'll get there, just keep up the good work!

  10. Very interesting point and always great to get the HoH pov. I sometimes am not even aware of what I really "need", and will often only recognize it myself when Ian has stepped up - although that is changing as well.

  11. @ ians mrs - Thank you so much for taking time to view my points of view too... Keep up the good work!


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