Friday, October 26, 2012

How do I live?

      "He was the most beautiful and appealing man she had ever known...She gripped his hand, shivering with fear  and inexpressibly grateful that fate had combed her and him from the tangle of humanity, and that love had braided them together in marriage.
        He drew her into his arms. She held fast to him.
        One ear against his chest, she listened to his heart. The beat was strong, at first quickened by anxiety, but then growing calmer.
        Her heart slowed to match the pace of his.
        Steel has a high melting point, but higher still when it is alloyed with tungsten. Cashmere is a strong fabric, as is silk; however, a cashmere-and-silk blend will provide more warmth to the wearer than will either fabric alone.
         Alone, she had learned at a young age to carry all the weight of the world piled on her. As long as she had him, she could endure not just the terrors of this world but all those that might come from beyond it." The Taking: A Novel - Dean Koontz
 



I was reading yesterday and this passage struck me deeply. It could have been written about Ward and me. I've told the story before of how we met. Even then at that first contact, I found him to be the most appealing man I had ever known. The first time we spoke on the phone, I had to mop myself up off the floor. The man has the most incredible voice I have ever heard. It's deep and rich and smooth - it is the salted caramel sauce of voices.





The first time we stood in the same room, it was literally like all the air had been sucked from the room, and every other person and every other structure just disappeared in a puff of dissipating color, texture and substance. He took my hand and I was anchored. He wrapped his arms around me and for the first time in my life I felt safe, and very much like our characters in the book excerpt, my heartbeat slowed from the thunderous rhythm of fear that had driven my life, and met his calm, soothing, assured rhythm, and I knew that I would never again shoulder any burden alone. 






 

He gathered the tattered threads of my heart, my soul, my concept of self, my shattered hope, and he has added his, and we are weaving them into tapestry that is strong, resilient, comforting and the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. For the first time ever, I am free to be who I am, not having to hide any part of myself. For the first time ever I see a beauty in myself. There is nothing that I cannot do with him at my side.  






 
And yet, I have to consider periods of time without him - that makes me desperate. As I write, we are waiting for word that will dictate whether Ward must deploy in the very near future. If he does, our family will be separated for Thanksgiving and Christmas. This will be our third. We are stronger than any deployment. We can do it. I know we can.I simply don't want to. 


 
I don't want to say - goodbye, be safe, see you soon, I love you, we'll make you proud. I don't want to wait on pins and needles every day for the mailman to see if there is something...anything from him. I don't want to send packages and pictures and things that keep his spirits up and feeling our love and wonder if they ever reach him, or they will be delivered after he finally gets home. I don't want to watch our children cry and say they miss him. I don't want to cry into my pillow every night, wishing for his heat, the sound of his breathing that makes me smile in the night, his arms and his sleep-honeyed voice saying, "be a good girl and go back to sleep" and snuggling against him hearing his heartbeat and letting it lull me. I don't want to walk through Walmart and stop suddenly feeling like I have been gut-punched and wondering if I can get out of there before I collapse. I don't want to





But if it is required of me, I will. I have this superstitious belief that you should not pray for a specific outcome, you may get what you want, but it may be wrapped in 30 things you don't. So I will pray to my God that He will grant the thing that is best for our family - for my man, our children and me. And I will accept what comes - even if it puts miles between us, because even then it will never tear us apart - and I will pray for the grace that I need to do it honorably and in a way that brings pride to my Ward and our family.. 
 



HIS POV:   
I'm in tears as I write this... To be blessed with such a beautiful, loving, intelligent and sweet lady to share a life and a family with.... It is nothing short of the grace of God.  It is incredibly humbling sharing something so sweet and romantic and powerful... I don't want to have to do those things either, to be absent life sweeter lived in proximity and harmony.... I will do my duty but, my family is always with me in my heart... It is an honor to love you June, and I know sometimes, this life demands too much of us, but I will not fail you.  Our love is strong enough, and the Lord's grace is sufficient.

24 comments:

  1. You both brought me to tears with this one! The love you have for one another is so awesome to witness. Thank you so much for sharing glimpses of your journey with us.

    Deployed or not, may God hold you both in the palm of His Hand.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thank you for your very kind words, Cat. And for your wishes. We wish blessings for you and your family as well

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  2. I agree June sometimes I feel it is easier to not ask for what I want, just ask for the grace to get me through. I pray that you will be together this Thanksgiving and Christmas.

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    1. I'm glad you understand, Minelle, some people think it odd that I never pray for an outcome. Thank you for your prayers.

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  3. Oh June.....I don't know what to say. I am just going to pray for you and Ward. Right now though, I am going to finish crying, and then I will pray. LOVE AND HUGS, lillie

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    1. Me neither, Lillie. It about the time that I start feeling at loose ends, fearing and hating what might be coming, but trying to be supportive and upbeat for him. And we thank you for your prayers. Love, (((hugs))) and blessings.

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  4. Beautifully written from you both. Your love is strong and the Lord does provide HIS grace and it is sufficient. But, that does not make it easy. Prayers for you both along with the others to lift you up during this time. Sincerely, SNP

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    1. Thank you, SNP. It is strong, it is the one thing I can count on - well besides Ward himself. Yes, His grace is sufficient, it is the one time that I find submission very difficult. Thank you for your prayers, they are most appreciated.

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  5. From one military wife to another...I feel your pain!! Deployment/TDYs are the hardest on all involved. Thank you to both of you for your service and sacrifice!
    Our thoughts and prayers are with you!
    Steven and Emma

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    1. Thank you, Emma, very much appreciated. It would be nice to live in a world they were not necessary. Thank you and Steven for your sacrifices as well. And we so appreciate the thoughts and prayers.

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  6. I have no words.... Just know that I am moved and deeply affected by this, and will be praying for both of you, all of your family. Your love for one another is palpable, even through the internet.

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    1. HisLilAngel, thank you for your prayers. He is my dear true love, I never knew how lost I was until we found each other. His love makes me real.

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  7. Oh my friend, such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your extraordinary courage, wisdom and love. My prayers are with you always :)

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    1. thanks so very much, faerie. Ward is the courageous one, I am only the woman who loves him with all that I am and all that I will become. We appreciate your prayers.

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  8. I too am at a loss for words.

    Your post is beautiful and your strength incredible.

    Your family is also in my thoughts and prayers

    Wilma

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    1. Thank you, Wilma. My words are just the simple truths of my heart. That's one thing I love about blogging, it lets you purge your soul. And in cases like this, lets me share with Ward the things I am too weak to speak. We appreciate your thoughts and prayers. The support of our family in this community is fortifying. We are grateful for you all.

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  9. Years ago, I, too, learned that the best way to pray was to ask for God's best - I can't possibly know all the possibilities and pick the right one to ask for, so why not simply trust God to bless my family with His choice? June, you and Ward may face a rough time ahead - but your love for each other is powerful, and yes, God's grace is sufficient through it all.

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    1. Thank you, OFM, for your kind words. I struggle with grace in this act of submission, OFM, it is the hardest test of all. Our love is the most powerful thing I have ever known. He and the children are my greatest gifts and I have been richly blessed.

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  10. Like so many others I will put you both in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings to you both no matter the outcome.

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    1. Thanks so much, Zoe, your thoughts and prayers mean the world to us.

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  11. This was so beautifully written from both of you. The love you have for each other is truly awesome and is so wonderful to witness every time. Thank you so much for sharing.

    I can not begin to comprehend what is must be like to go through a deployment. You both show incredible strength through such times.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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    1. Thanks so much for your kind comments, Roz, thoughts and prayers, they mean a lot to us. It's not something that I would wish on anyone. It is like missing the better part of yourself for long months. If we are strong, it is because we have each other to lean on, but I feel like the weakest of the weak in all honesty.

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  12. Oh June, this was just such a beautiful profession of your love and devotion to one another. I join you in praying for whatever is best for your family....I hope that it is that Ward can be with you.

    I have to tell you I am amazed by your strength and courage.....

    Praying my friend....for only good things to come your way....

    Take care of yourself....and each other, somehow I know you will

    ~Lucy

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    1. Thanks so very much for your kindness and your prayers, Lucy. They are very much appreciated.

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