Thursday, July 26, 2012

"Exactly my brand of heroin" (or reflections on finding my Edward)

Yes, yes, I am an unashamed, unabashed Twilight fan. It is the intensity of the love that Edward has for Bella that does it, all the pretty words. When Twilight first came out, I used to say, oh, Lord, I wish someone would love me like THAT. I want someone that possesses my mind like THAT. (As you can see from our last post - I found my heart, my dream).

The effect that Bella and Edward have is reciprocal, each affects the other. Bella finds Edward's eyes hypnotic, and knows without a doubt that she'd have followed him, even to her doom, at their first meeting. Edward compares Bella's appeal to that of 100-year-aged cognac to an alcoholic. The images used to market the movie, they have a strong appeal to me. It is not just the image of a man embracing a woman, there is an aura in that image, a force that emanates from Edward, and wraps itself passionately and protectively around Bella.

Ward is possessing of this force. Ward intoxicates me. I can FEEL him enter a room. When he touches me, when he speaks to me, the response is intensely visceral. Emotion, desire to touch and be touched, to be possessed, to please, wash over me. I get this sensation in my mind, that I have named 'brain tickle'. I don't know how else to describe it. It is intensely pleasant. It washes from my brain down my arms, my hands, my legs, it makes me feel as though I am swimming through mud - movement is too much effort. I have never experienced this state of being with another person - ever. It is something that I enjoy - crave. It makes him exactly my brand of heroin.

Which brings to mind another one of 'those' words - mind control. This term is a very subjective term, I am sure. For some, it has a very negative connotation. For me, it what I describe above - the ability to get so far inside my head that he can with a touch, with a word, with the mere sound of his voice, have my body respond to him. He plays me like a cellist in a symphony orchestra, each small movement, each small effort, thrums through my mind and body like the strings resonate with the emotion of the musician.

My desire to be played this exquisitely, to have everything that I do be pleasing to him, puts me squarely within his control. And that is the sweetest place that I have ever inhabited. That is home, for the first time in my long life.

"It’s an extraordinary thing to meet someone who you can bare your soul to and accept you for what you are. I’ve been waiting, for what seems like a very long time, to get beyond what I am." With Ward I feel like I can finally begin. So I’d like to propose a toast to my wonderful Daddy. My darling, "no measure of time with you will ever be enough, but let's start with forever."


June does me great honor and it moves my heart to know that I have the kind of effect on her that I do.  I would also be remiss if I didn't tell you all how I feel about her... When I hear her voice at the end of the day, it's almost like listening to the celestial chorus... like beautiful songbirds and watching the sun rise at the same time...   She knows how to light my fire, boil my blood, and bring me to my utmost in the sweetest most lyrical way.. My June is quite a lady!  I love the way we move each other!


  1. That kind of heroin-magnificient! Edward is lust; powerful, seductive, magnetic, sexy. Ward and you have an extraordinary connection of the mystical kind, otherworldy even!

  2. MMMhmmm - Ward is all of those things. He is powerful, he makes me weak in the knees, he is incredible seductive, magnetic and lemme tell ya, my Daddy is dead sexy! The depths of our relationship astounds me, and I am grateful every day for it's remarkable nature.


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